Ladies, how would you feel about your OH watching porn in secret?

My OH and I have an active sexlife, although it’s isnt very adventurous - that’s not for the lack of me trying! I have kind of accepted that he’s not got as high of a sexdrive or as much interest in sex as me. However, I have recently discovered that he has been watching porn and searching for images of women in different types of sexy lingerie when he’s alone. This has really upset me and made me feel very insecure. I have explained this to him and his only reply was that it’s ‘just a bit of porn and all men watch it’. I don’t think he understands that it’s not the porn that is the issue. It’s that he has never shown his sexual side, fantasies, likes, dislikes with me. And I’m left feeling as though there is something wrong with me :( Any ladies had any experiences like this? Any thoughts, suggestions of what to do would be appreciated. Also I’d be interested to hear any males points of view on this. Thanks x

Hi Loobylou12, unfortunately we don’t have a sex life, but in the past I regularly looked at porn in between relationships.

Hello knight1119, thank you for your reply. And sorry to hear that. I think it’s quite normal an understandable if you’re single or if your not actually having a sexual relationship with someone. However, because he has got that with me and he knows I’m up for experimenting and trying new things, I don’t understand why he is doing that in private. I can only think that he doesn’t feel that way about me :(

My wife caught me a couple of times and hated it. It made her feel the same way as you, like I was fantasizing about the women in the scene, and felt like it was a form of cheating. It made her feel unwanted, unattractive and alone. We have moved passed it, and we even sometimes put some porno on in the back ground whilst we are having fun. The truth is (on my part anyway) I wasn't fantasizing about the women in the porno, I wasn't thinking about me fucking them or anything along those lines. It was purely a visual stimulation. There is nothing wrong with you, sometimes it feels easier to have a wank, I don't have to seduce my hand, the hand doesn't care I haven't had a shower since the morning, one off the wrist can take mere minutes so if I am knackered it's quicker. I have stopped watching any sort of open alone for the past few years as I know it affects my wife's confidence and effects her own body image. I have a very happy and active sex life, I did even back then, we are now at a stage where we are far more open in conversation about sex, and our desires. The fact I think that bothered her the most was that it was behind her back... I reckon if I told her I was planning on having a cheeky wank and watch something naughty she might of been happier.

Loobylou12, sorry I can’t be more help, I would give anything to have a sex life.

I understand your reaction to discovering that your partner uses porn. I have the vow that porn is like eating a Big Mac where as sex with my husband is like having a three course dinner. One is quick and convenient the other is longer and more fulfilling. Each have their place. Why not ask your partner to find some female friendly porn and you both watch it together. Stick with it and find something you find s turn on. Watching together can be a great way to enhance you sex life by increasing your sex drive BUT use it sparingly.

There is nothing wrong with you, maybe he just likes porn. I am sorry that he hid it from you, I can understand that that must be hurtful. Have you ever watched a romantic film or read a romance novel though? It's not a comment on the state of your relationship, simply something you enjoy.

My partner said something interesting to me last night and I think it is relevant here. He was talking about the difference of when he masturbates and when I give him a handjob. One of us isn't better at it than the other one, it is just they have different meanings. When he does it, it is simply a release, when I do it to him it is an act of sex, passion and love. Maybe your partner feels the same and porn is just the way he aids his release?

Hey Loobylou12, I'm sorry you're going through this right now. As a user of porn myself I view it as entirely seperate from sex, for me masturbation is as well. Watching porn and masturbating can be, for me, as simple as something to do because I'm bored. But I also consider it something important to me as it keeps me connected to my body without the addition of my partner. It's just me, connecting with me, and giving myself pleasure. It's never about any shortcomings I perceive in my partner.

However, it sounds like this situation is more complex than just being about porn or even the secretive aspect of it. You say you've tried to nudge things in a more adventurous direction, and that he doesn't show you his sexual side. There may be some worth in looking into some joint counselling sessions as a space for you both to explore the expectations you both have of one another and get these issues out in the open. I don't know how honest you've been with him, but I hope you feel comfortable enough to be open with him about where you're coming from on being upset about this. Yes millions of people around the world watch porn, but there seems to be more than that here.

I hope this situation can be resolved and that you're able to feel less pain from it soon.

Misty x

First of all I'll start by saying I completely understand your reaction as I would feel exactly the same in your shoes! However try not to let this knock your confidence. People masturbate all the time and it's not a reflection of their relationship. As you've said you aren't ignoring him, quite the opposite in fact so I wouldn't think it's anything to do with you!

I don't want to pry but has he ever had any issues 'down there'? The reason I ask is because, you said he doesn't have a very high sex drive/interest in sex but is obviously still having urges, so I'm wondering if it might be a performance/anxiety based issue? I may be WAY off the mark it's just something that came to mind. He can masturbate without any 'pressure' it's just him and his hand/toy.

Another reason could be as simple as others have said sex or being intimate is a whole big thing, a wank is quick and simple! If he's not feeling himself, feeling stressed or just tired he may not be up for the extra effort it takes when a partner is involved.

I really hope you can resolve this issue, I'd say try and remain calm and don't push the issue, just try and have a chat, so he doesn't become dismissive again!

As I've said please try not to put this on yourself and feel low about it! Hope you'll be ok!

Loobylou 12. Normally i would say its porn and its nothing let it go. But you do have a point in that he watches porn yet he is not adventurous and doesnt talk when you want to spice things up. I can undertstand why you are slightly miffed as it feels like double standards. As everyone else has said its nothing that you have done by the sound of it.

I would calmly ask why he cannot chat to you and if there is anything you can help with to make him more comoftable. Dont be confrontational about your needs. Turn it around in the things that you want to do to spice things up you are doing because you find him attractive.

Good luck.

I seems to me, Loobylou12, that there is a confusion between privacy and secrecy. Secrecy can be something that is deliberately done to deceive or cause hurt and is usually destructive. Privacy is not. An element of privacy is important in everyone's lives and essential in every healthy relationship; it's unfortunate that you have discovered a private part of your OH's life. Allowing eachother to enjoy something private from the other (without needing know what it is or getting upset if you find out) shows trust, respect and security in the relationship. Your actual sex life is an entirely different entity and one should not be confused with the other.

Loobylou12 wrote:

I have recently discovered that he has been watching porn and searching for images of women in different types of sexy lingerie when he’s alone. This has really upset me and made me feel very insecure. I have explained this to him and his only reply was that it’s ‘just a bit of porn and all men watch it’. I don’t think he understands that it’s not the porn that is the issue. It’s that he has never shown his sexual side, fantasies, likes, dislikes with me. And I’m left feeling as though there is something wrong with me :( Any ladies had any experiences like this? Any thoughts, suggestions of what to do would be appreciated. Also I’d be interested to hear any males points of view on this. Thanks x

He is right most men watch it and alot of men keep it a secret, I think you need a good chat with him if he is watching porn and not showing his kinky desires that he is seeking through porn, he might be embarrassed to talk about what he likes about the porn he is watching, maybe you could suggest watching it with him then he might open up.

You definitely need a chat about your sexual desires and him not showing you that side, maybe a letter to him so it can really sink into him how you are feeling about him watching porn but not showing you how much you turn him on.

Is he the sort of person to be embarrassed about it?

My wife and I watch porn together. I actually watch it to see which porn will make her get horny so I preview it. I do not play anything she will think is to messed up. She knows I have it and knows its going to get played on the weekends. I use it as a tool. I can tell what she thinks is hot and take into the bedroom. Try to use porn to your advantage it really can add spice but it takes both partners. If somebody is just watching porn and the other isnt interested then I can see a problem there.

A others have already said, I think you should communicate with him. Openly, without any judgement. Share fantasies, get to know his. Make him understand that if he he told you what he's into, you might actually do it for him! And it could be amazing! ![](upload://h7LJ67OOrR57VDYrj5ZEwwHAfLG.gif)

Its just a male thing i think, my ex partner ( not an dx for this reason ) raided my laptop and discovered the same ss you. Her reaction was much the same as yours and she banned me from looking at porn in the future. I suppose the reason i looked was because although she was very sexy with a body to die for i wanted to have that little bit of man cave time just for me and my imagination. There's nothing wrong with it and wouldnt mind if my other half did it too. The women who guys look at are no threat and its just a bit of playful fun for yourself. Plus you get some great ideas to try with the woman you love. Win win ?

So I spoke to my OH about this so i could see it from a male perspective.

He said there could be many reasons, he touched on what I suggested that it could be performance/anxiety related or to do with stress. Another thing he though was that maybe the type of porn he's watching is something he doesn't think you'd be into. Something he'd like to try but he's worried to bring it up because once he's said it it's out there, and if you don't feel the same it could be awkward. If it's just regular porn he agreed that it's probably just a release. He said for him a wank is just a means to an ends in the sense that he just wants an orgasm, and can never be compared to being with your partner. So you have nothing to worry about.

He also said that how your OH responded with "All men do it!" was probably just because he felt confronted.

We both agreed that communication is key, you just need to have a calm (as hard as that might be with how your feeling) conversation about what you both do/don't want, like and desire!

My hubby does this so it's not even a secret and I would think there is some truth in the 'all men do it', probably maybe most but not all.

I actually watch porn on my own and masturbate to it whilst he is not around and we watch it together also so there is nothing really to hide.

I went through this a long time ago, discovered my OH was watching in secret and it really knocked my already fragile sexual confidence. I felt rejected and undesireable and to be honest jealous but after a bit of a row and some tears( from me) we actually talked about it and I came to understand that it's as many have already said just a release thing. I did and still do read erotic fiction and when you think about it that's not that far removed from porn but it's just in the written word instead. Some people especially men are more visually stimulated and that's pretty much all it boils down to....just watching naked people engaged in sex acts while you get yourself off.

Yes, it's a lazy way of release but I'm as guilty of that as the next person, I would sometimes rather just grab a toy and lose myself in some fantasy or other, I don't have to worrry about someones elses pleasure, don't need to worry about whether I'm looking ok in lingerie or whatever I can just please myself and it's the same for men.

My OH reassured me and in fact encouraged me to search out some porn that I liked too, that we could watch together or on my own and found I developed a bit of a taste for it! The initial excitement of that has leveled off now but both of us still watch now and then. I think it was the secrecy that hurt me so in the first place and now its out in the open its so much better. Plus you do get to learn some new techniques to try out.

As others have already said though there could be performance/anxiety issues or maybe he's seuxally aroused by a particular thing and he's just a bit shy about bringing it up. Or it could all be as straightforward as he just needs this ' alone time'.

Just to add a Man's POV on this I know my wife quite often watches porn when I'm working nights or she has some time to herself, as a man who watches porn regularly I obviously have no problem with her watching porn just like she has no problem with me doing the same! We have quite an extensive porn video collection and I often catch my wife trawling through download sites looking for a new film, and they are quite varied ranging from romantic porn to real hardcore fetish and bondage porn. It's where we get a lot of our ideas we do in our own sexlife.