My wife and me have reached that part in the relationship where sex is non existent. We have been together 32 years. We have talked about it and promised to get it back but nothing ever happens. She will walk around naked in front of me but when I go near she freezes and tells me to stop. I miss the physical relationship side and would like to get back to it (basics) to start please help me.
Any ideas?
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@Firebilly I am in exactly the same position although I have medical issues which make it difficult if she was interested but I find it really frustrates me and depresses me. I wish I had a magical answer but unfortunately not.
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Thanks for the input I wish I had the answer as well I keep on hinting at this but keep hitting a brick wall
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Hi @Firebilly, itâs a tricky one because without knowing a bit more detail it can be hard to give advice.
First off, was this a situation you both kind of slipped into? ( easily done and I know this from being married for 37 years!) Itâs so easy to let other things in your life take priority and sex sort of drifts into the background. Before you know it itâs been months!
When you discussed it previously what measures did either of you take to try to inject the passion back again? Could it be a hormonal thing for your wife such as menopause? It can be really hard to reinstate things again sexually and the longer it goes on the harder it gets ( if youâll forgive the pun!)
I think maybe another chat is on cards, without laying on too much pressure, tell her how much you miss her physically⌠she might just be feeling the same but is unsure of how to go about making the first move.
Good luck 
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Hi @wildflower I picked up on @firebilly post. We have been married for 34 years. everything is great, its just were not touchy feely. Wife started early menopause at around 37 and it has never stopped. she will not take HRT due to family history of breast cancer. We are both very vanilla and wife had a strict upbringing and to be honest is not really interested in sex. My health lets me down and wife says its hard to change between carer/lover which i fully understand.
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@steve19 that sounds like quite a combination of things all conspiring against you both. Menopause can go on for a hell of a lot longer than people think it will. For some women(not all )the longer they go without sex the less they need it, maybe thatâs also true for men but Iâm just talking from my own personal experience. Itâs a kind of âuse it or lose itâ situation and getting back in the saddle can be difficult.
Yes, it must be difficult for your wife to swap between carer and lover but equally difficult for you with health issues that impact on you sexually. And of course it can be so hard to break from any feelings that stem from early years of being told that sex is wrong, not be enjoyed etc, that can come from a very strict upbringing.
Oh, Iâd love to have that magical answer to all this too!
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Thank you @wildflower. The thing is everything in our world is perfect apart from the sex. I think your right about use it or lose it. We are both getting on in age so may be what will be will be. Its sites like this make you realise what we are missing though
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Totally agree with this. My wife has been losing interest for years. Weâve been married for 31 years and sex has never been a priority for her whereas Iâve always been the driving force and instigator. I canât remember a time when she was the one who came up with any suggestions or surprises. I even spent s small fortune buying a whole new wardrobe of lingerie that she says she likes but these are now firmly back in the draw never to be seen again, some not even tried on. Not sure what to do like so many others on here. There does seem to be a lot of us experiencing the same issues.
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When it comes to this area like most relationship areas direct communication is best. Where you have said you talked about it and it hasnât progressed have you talked about it and mentioned the lack of progress? Perhaps talk but also come up with a game plan but also try to find the cause through talking. Obviously therapy if nothing else helps is a option. My last suggestion is work on the intimacy, a nice massage or romantic gesture with no sex or attempt at it.
My libido has dipped this year because of Covid - two of us are in high risk categories. So - stress doesnât help. Neither does the menopause. Or PMT. Or some prescription drugs. There are lots of reasons why libido can dip.
So - ladies and gents, get it shape and look your best. Seriously! Get looking good!
Invest in whatever floats your boats in terms of lingerie, toys, massage oils, candles and meals - at least youâll have a good time. Spend time with each other - watch a film, have a shower, it doesnât always need to lead to sex but it will lead to more intimacy, which is good starter.
And, as others have said - talk to each other. If one partner doesnât want sex any more, then that is still a conversation to be had, rather than one person deciding. There may be other things to do instead to make sure you are still strong as a couple.
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Hi, There must be some good ways to re-ignite the spark! What does your partner do in their freetime? What do you do in your freetime? What sort of small improvement do you think you would like to start with?
Sea
Is there any physical contact? Even if we donât feel like sex or go through periods of low drive we try to make sure that we still have physical contact being clear that itâs affection rather than having an expectation of anything more. P
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Read Tracey Coxâs book Great Sex starts at 50. Thereâs so much info in there, the menopause section is brilliant and includes information I have found nowhere else. Thereâs also a section on sexless relationships - why they happen, how to get sex going again, and also how to make sex-free relationships work. Honestly, itâs pure gold.
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Sounds good, I would also recommend her Super Sex for Life book if you can find it.
I think LH discontinued selling it but you may be able to find a copy elsewhere.
Lots of good replies already, and would think the key thing has been said already - good open and honest communications. If talking about certain things is difficult, maybe write something where can take time to find right words to express how you feel etc.,
However, if thereâs no specific issues or reasons, and things have just kind of drifted, perhaps adding in a little surprise and romance perhaps. Do some things that are a little different. Difficult to make suggestions without knowing more details, but something to add a spark (without expectation of anything sexual). Talking can be great, and planning things too, but maybe something spontaneous to break the norm and add a little intimacy. Massages were mentioned, maybe arrange a pampering eve for the OH, add a little slow dance. And of course fun and laughter. Thereâs no overnight fix, just try rekindling the fire like when you first met.
Of course may not suit circumstances, so apols if not so helpful, but I think that is how I would try and approach things.
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So, no body confidence issues as such, just a freeze on intimacy?
Thereâs an old saying about couples that play together stay together which is a little redundant at this particular time but now might also be the perfect time to put an action plan together.
Lingerie can be tricky. Donât push it at this stage as she may feel that it would be wearing her and that itâs the lingerie thatâs ringing your bell, not the woman wearing it (I have a friend who always said she felt âsecond bestâ to the lingerie her partner would buy her). She might also feel that itâs too much of a role play thing for her (my friend also said she felt foolish and that lingerie was too much in the costume/role play thing for her).
So, forget the lingerie for right now and start on the intimacies. Little touches, hand-holding, sitting close together in front of the telly etc. I know it might be a bit too much for you but can you do the housework chores you know or suspect she dislikes. I know several women who have a secret sex ban as theyâre resentful their partner doesnât help out in the house. Not much help right now but a cleaner a few hours a week might be appreciated if you can afford it, especially if sheâs your carer.
Youâve come this far so a bit more timeâs not going to hurt. Take your time and start with the little physical intimacies. Tell her you want to put time aside to be with her as her partner and not as the person she cares for. Itâs a cliche but you need to turn back time to do the things you did (if possible) when you first met. Communication is a biggie. Have some talking time together.
It will take time, though, but it will be worth it. When you can feel the closeness coming back you can celebrate by looking through Lovehoney together. My partner did a âyou pick one for me and Iâll pick one for youâ in the lingerie section one evening. We didnât buy that night but a few weeks later I surprised him with a purchase from our wishlists and history was made!
Good luck.
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So this is by no means the same thing, but I find one of the hardest things after a lul is that I physically âforgetâ what to do. In theory itâs not that I dont want it, but I just feel like I donât know what to do that first time after itâs been a while. Everything feels awkward and silly and me and hubby donât always communicate well 
Maybe your wife freezes because sheâs nervous - she doesnât know what youâre expecting of her, and quite frankly when you havenât had it for a while you kinda forget that you even want it (I do anyway lol)
Last week was the first time in around 2 months weâve done anything (Iâve had a lot of back pain that hasnât had a chance to heal because Iâm always working, and my mother had been staying here since before lockdown 2.0) but we decided that as soon as she went home it was time to get some us time!
All good in theory⌠Until it came to start kissing and I just froze⌠Like wtf do I do? Do we keep kissing? Does he want me to touch him? For me, in the end I actually laughed a little and just said to him âI think itâs been so long Iâve forgotten how this worksâ - and he was like âIâm glad itâs not just me then!â so with some chuckling and a little bit of silly determination we figured it out and a bit like riding a bike (haha) everything started to feel more normal.
Everyoneâs advice above is absolutely correct regarding intimacies etc but just consider that even if she feels loved and wanted, she might still be unsure of how to move forward, even if she wanted to
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