Kids are a worry what ever there age mine are 31 - 28 and 20
the 20yr old is at home and at collage and still requires financial help
the 28yr old has relationship probs and comes back home from time to time
so that never truly leave
and the OH tents to take there probs to heart. Me it try tuff love and try not to get to involved in there prob to much
When my first son was born nearly 21 years ago, my father in law took me out for a beer and told me that the first 40 years are probably the worst!
I thought he was joking at the time now I am not so sure!
My missus lost a lot of interest after the birth of our second son.
At first I just thought she's tired, she's still sore from labour etc. But it went on and on.
Just recently, she blurted out during an argument that she doesn't feel sexy because her tummy is horrible. She is referring to the fact that after everything was stretched, now her abs are not flat and firm, which is absolutely 100% normal and takes time (and exercise) to fix. She is still sexy as hell, but the important point is she doesn't feel sexy, and if she doesn't feel sexy, how on earth can she possibly get horny?
I'm not saying its the same for everyone. It wont be, but it might be worth trying to very delicately figure out how your missus currently feels about herself. And as her husband, it is your job (just as it is mine with my wife) to help her feel good about herself.
Of course, it has to be said, you also need to took a good look in the mirror (metaphorically speaking). Is there anything about you that's changed? It could be the most subtle thing.
My point is, you're a couple, an item. Its no good looking for a fault in one or other half, you need to soul search both, and accept whatever comes out in the wash, and work together to fix it.
Ok I think you both need to sit down and talk. I'm 28 with two young kids so I know what life's like.
Firstly you need to try work out when she lost her sex drive, was it shortly after the kids where born?? If so discuss why this happened. Is she hung up about her body? Is she maybe suffering from postnatal depression? Is she possibily scared of another pregnancy? Or has she started new hormonal contraception because I have found that is what killed my sex drive on several occasion.
Once you work out why she has lost her sex drive then you canary be understand how she is feeling. From there you can both talk about ways to rekindle things.
I used to go mad when the hubby would push me for sex and it made me want it even less. After we talked he stopped pushing the subject. He would do things like run me a bath, brings home a bunch of flowers, pass more compliments.... All very small
Things but they made a huge impact at helping to restore my confidence in myself and my body post child birth.
Then I started reading some erotic fiction. I slowly started finding myself getting turned on and I them would show him parts of the book and we would try out those things.
Things didn't improve overnight but after several Months we went from sex once or twice a month to about 5 times a week.
Once I actually started having sex again I realised how much I enjoyed it. In my head it had become a chore and once I got past that psychological barrier I learnt to love it again.
Communication is the key in every aspect to a relationship. Hope it works out x x
I actually find it really worrying that some of the advice here is just to give up and move on.
That's ridiculous!
Yes, sex is part of a good, solid relationship but it is in no way the be all end all.
And perhaps that's a lot of the problem.
Personally, I don't like to be pestered constantly for sex, especially while my drive had hit rock bottom. I hate knowing that when someone does something nice, sex is on the brain.
You need to completely dismiss sex for the time being. Try find out if she feels that's there's a problem OUTSIDE the bedroom. If we aren't happy in life, we don't want sex.
Never assume that just because you've been with Someone a long time you know their body and know what they like and what feels good. People change.
Try taking something considered a sexual act (like making out, sensual massages ect.) out of the sexual context.
ShannonMarlene wrote:
Personally, I don't like to be pestered constantly for sex, especially while my drive had hit rock bottom. I hate knowing that when someone does something nice, sex is on the brain.
Sorry to hijack the discussion, but you've just described my wife's point of view, which I fully understand but she doesn't realise (despite my best efforts) that I understand.
For me, the facts are:
* I love my wife
* My wife appears to love me (and says she does)
* I want to make my wife feel good about herself, in every respect, I want her to feel sexy, loved and respected
* She thinks if I squeeze her tight, rub her bum, snog her, caress her, that I want sex, which of course I do, but its more important to me that she feels happy in herself even if I don't get my willy wet. I can't help that she turns me on, and I can't help that she makes me so horny, so if she's not saying no, then I'm not going to stop, but the bit she doesn't realise is that if she does say no (as she sometimes does), while I'll be disappointed and wound up, I wont love her any less and I'll still be happy just to feel her warm skin cuddled up against mine.
Me and hubby have discussed this a lot, due to his Meds and mental illness, it never happens now but cuddles ect are very important I have my toys if wanted and daft crushes which we laugh about,if you both love each other don't give up,talk and talk again. Good luck.
ah fluff bags, i do so love your advice, you always hit the nail on the head! x
my 2 penneth......from a guys perspective married for 25 yrs......
Fluff has pretty much nailed it in her summation.
Just because you end up with an opportunity without the kids, dont asume that no kids = playtime, for your wife her mental image could be 'phew relax / quiet / me time'......
Buying toys/lingerie is imho fine if there is a general agreement to do so, or if things are already good in the bedroom, buying 'props' to address this issue is unlikely to cut to the root of the problem, and will likely have a negative effect as it may well reinforce any internal negative feelings that your wife is experiencing.
Better i'd have thought to buy her something else non sexual if you want her to know how much she's valued/cherished......
try to disasscoiate certain actions with a sexual progression, meaning, if you share a bath, have a cuddle, have a massage dont assume that it will lead to something more - infact breaking the cycle of ' he's giving me X cos he wants Y' is a good thing to do, because otherwise the connection that is associated ( ie/ massage = sex ) will potentially itself become a negative.
However, at some stage and in some way you have to communicate and try as carefully as possible to pull back the covers to find out what is the root of her feelings, because without that insight you will never be in a position to work out the solution. A doctor asks various questions with a view to identifying an underlying cause and a possible remedy.....clearly that is a sterile enviorment, and moreover it is done with the open/frankness of the patient as they wish to be cured of their illness - between partners in the area of sexual matters beware! Beware because often answers that are given are not necessarily the REAL truth, often people use a smokescreen to hide away, any partnersa job is to carefully consider the question/response and to work out if there's something more that remains an issue!!!!!
To soften the conversation have you tried asking something basic like: ' remember that evening /weekend when we went for dinner/away and ended up with .......' i really loved that, you me, a little alone time and wow you were amazing, i still think about that time, it was amazing' etc etc: Doing that asks her to remember a specific time when things were good sexually, it will also hopefully help her remember a time when closeness/fun was associated with sex and hopefully when she felt special/sexual.....it also reinforces that you find her desireable and sexy and that you would like that again......it gives her when asked the easy opportnuity to say what she is feeling now and what has changed.......if she doesnt a gentle probe should give the answer and you can then reinforce / address .....
good luck
mrs average wrote:
My husband and i have been together 15 years and what you are going through is perfectly normal.
Giving up is for wimps and if you know anyone who had a long and sucsessful marriage it not because they are totally in harmony with eachother as everything is perfect it's because they work hard at it.
A few tips...
Kids are hard work and draining, physically, emotionally and financially. so don't expect her thoughts to turn to sex the moment you have a babysitter. she's probably fantasising about sleep and not watching cbeebies for a change.Be helpfull around the house and let her lie in on her own. do this without thinking of sexual rewards. you will be rewarded with a happy woman who tells all her friends how wonderfull you are for doing this.
Renember it wont be like this for ever. our chikdren are now 12 and 10. They are much more independant and we can enjoy our lie ins together much more and are both more adventurous.
I feel like giving you a round of applause Mrs Average! Hits the nail on the head perfectly! X
Personally: Never retreat, never surrender
Something that really helped me and several others I know in marriage (this and other issues) was to realize that people express and expect to recieve love in different ways. You may be showing love and all the OH sees is lust or selfishness. Or not, that is the point: how do you give/expect love... how does the OH? Do those match? Often, they do not and then you must learn a new "love langauge" to properly communicate.
When you put that together with:
-energy exerted at work/kids
-identiy crisis
-not feeling sexy
-no "me time"
-possible hormones
it gets compounded and frustrating fast.
Bottom line, love your OH and communicate.
No potion or pill will solve what those two will.
Wish you all the best on moving forward with your OH and your relationship.
Never retreat, never surrender
Cap54 wrote:
Sorry to be negative guys but after 32 yrs me and the OH are at this point and have been for
A number of years
Tried talking, tried dirty text (at her request)
Tried toys
This only lasts short turn, she will gladly accepted oral and fingering from me on a regular basis but
The favour is hardly ever returned
Just gone nine weeks without sex
So unfortunatley I will have to resort to my trusty fleshlight
Because its a lot less hassle than trying to work
Out what's wrong you you can only try so many
Times
ApoIogies but I agree: I have been with the OH for 28 years. I never put pressure on her, I do the housework, cook, wash, iron, no pressure flowers/restaurant etc in addition to working full time. She says that she never has thoughts about sex. The other night she bathed, invited me up to bed. When I got in she removed my hand, turned her back to me, said no then promptly went to sleep!!! She has been a wonderful mum and partner over the years but she will never change in this department.
Some people just don't have a 'normal' sex drive or that they see themselves as being normal and any other sexual state as being excessive.
Partnerships are a two way street, give and take on both sides is essential. I keep trying and will not give up but it can be frustrating!!
Ryuudoragon,
I would assume that everyone would agree that relationships can be frustrating, I think the exception taken was the attitude of giving up and moving on. You have stated you will keep trying and I think you are right: some people simply do not have the drive and nothing will change that.
Everyone has their own thoughts and decisions to make; we are all here just trying to give ours some will agree and others won't: diversity is good thing.
Ryuudoragon wrote:
Cap54 wrote:
Sorry to be negative guys but after 32 yrs me and the OH are at this point and have been for
A number of years
Tried talking, tried dirty text (at her request)
Tried toys
This only lasts short turn, she will gladly accepted oral and fingering from me on a regular basis but
The favour is hardly ever returned
Just gone nine weeks without sex
So unfortunatley I will have to resort to my trusty fleshlight
Because its a lot less hassle than trying to work
Out what's wrong you you can only try so many
TimesApoIogies but I agree: I have been with the OH for 28 years. I never put pressure on her, I do the housework, cook, wash, iron, no pressure flowers/restaurant etc in addition to working full time. She says that she never has thoughts about sex. The other night she bathed, invited me up to bed. When I got in she removed my hand, turned her back to me, said no then promptly went to sleep!!! She has been a wonderful mum and partner over the years but she will never change in this department.
Some people just don't have a 'normal' sex drive or that they see themselves as being normal and any other sexual state as being excessive.
Partnerships are a two way street, give and take on both sides is essential. I keep trying and will not give up but it can be frustrating!!
I get that all the time
trying to second guess her feelings is hard because 9 times out of 10 I seem to get it wrong, then it's my fault for not showing her more affection.
I don't want to belittle the seriousness of the situation by suggesting something as simple as buyiong a gift. But a nice evening in together playing Monogomy could be a lovely start.
I think it's a great game, and helped me and my wife get closer after 11 years of being together. We have a child, and going out for a date night is something that doesnt happen often, but when we can, we now know its important to have our time, adult time, when ever we can. If it's out just even wondering round the shops, it's important. If it's in, getting to know each other even more, or just reliving memories and p[ast events, which monogomy allows, then this could be a good thing.
Fluffbags wrote:
A surprisingly common problem. My partner and I also have this issue but he is the one with the lower drive and mine is higher and yup, it can be frustrating!
Couple of things:
Firstly women get turned on mentally, males visually (I am generalising here, for quickness. Every person is different) but as one of those aforementioned mental women (giggles) I can tell you that there is a huge difference for a woman between the physical and the mental. I have noticed when men have made moves on me over the many manyyyy (Okay, not that many) years that I have been sexually active, it has mostly always been physical moves, touching, kissing, groping or visual moves like getting naked, or sending cock pics and if they do try to tease my female mind, they do it in the way THEY would like to be teased (I guess) my talking about physical things (Their penis, how hard/big/satisfying it is, or about how they intend to slot part A into part B for hours or...well you get the picture)......BORING! Okay, slight exaggeration, it is not boring guys, but did you know that if you tried to turn her on her way, you might go from an okay reponse to an OMG fuck me now! response? Women need mental switches pushed, before their arousal starts and never giving her that and always going straight into the same old same old fit part A into part B will get old quickly. I guess you could compare it to you, as a male, trying to reach the height of horniness and orgasm with NO visual stimulation at all...ever, and then one day, your lady does that amazing strip tease (visual) and woah...suddenly a lot more horny. Anyway...you get the point, so how can you get into her mind.
Well, it takes a little efort and work. Surprisingly I have known a few guys for whom it was too much effort and they still sulked as to why their ladies had little interest, but yeh, it takes a little work, but it should be fun for you too, knowing how much you turn her on.
Another issue (and it ties in with all the above) is that women are sooooo far away from "that" place, mentally, when they crash in bed at night, slipping off their comfy "around the house" clothes after spending all day being mum, cleaner, cook, taxi service, problem solver, nurse...all the rest of it. Now, this might be where guys wonder why women are always tired and men are like "Well I work my ass off all day too and I still have energy. I don't think it is 100% about the physical and mental energy and more to do with being in the right frame of mind. In other words, it is not easy to switch off those switches in our heads, labelled cook, cleaner, nurse, problem solver etc and then switch on the 'sexy' and 'lover' switches, and I don't know how other women feel but I find it even harder if all my guy does to get me in the mood is grope at my tits and feel if I am wet yet. I need something going on mentally and I don't think I am the only woman who does. You need to begin flipping her switches way earlier than 5 minutes before sex time. Like...during the day or as the evening gets close.
If I were in your shoes right now, I would stop pestering her for sex, if you are (Waiiiiiit, here me out) because, you see, this mentality stuff is powerful if you get it right. I would instead offer her things like a massage but tell her no sex, just a massage. You have to stick to the no sex thing, otherwise it fails at the first hurdle lol. Then in the meantime you tease her with the odd risque text, give her surprise cuddles and kisses for no reason, nice gestures that show you love her etc etc. Okay, so the idea here is you are putting little nuggets into her mind that as well as all the other stuff that she is....she is also a desireable sexy woman. In other words, make this fun, make it a game you can play together and let her come to you.
I know nothing that turns me off faster than a guy who thinks he is owed sex, on some kind of timescale, like "Well, we haven't done it for 2 weeks now" kinda thing, because I feel...used I guess. What if I need something else? like a rest
Men may think that the romance and wooing stops when you get comfy together but I am here to tell you that when you stop making efforts...well....you get what you give! No matter what side of the coin you are on. You say that everything outside the bedroom is great, which is perfect! It gives you the opportunity to go and stir that pot inside her head and get her thinking of you in sexual ways again. Things like surprises, keeping her on her toes, teasing her, creating more affection during non sexual times etc. All this will help. If you are really confident, you could communicate and find out some of her fantasies and with knowledge comes power....to tease and keep her arousal high. Life takes over us sometimes and we let other things slide. It sucks!
Here here..
I have been through this ... take the pressure off .. give her a massage or do things which don't result in sex. .. make her feel attractive , loved .. and she will come to you ..
I had zero sex drive a few years ago and didn't know why .. just felt tired unattractive etc ... but now have a very high sex drive.
I totally agree that woman are "mental" .. if I am miffed off by my fella there is no way I will orgasm .. or be turned on. I get switched on long before hands start wandering ..small gestures go along way .. hand on my knee in the car .. a hand on my waist in the Que ..a cheeky text when at work ..
But if I am happy and feeling attractive , I am easily turned on and orgasm will come quickly most times.
Unfortunately , we are also slaves to our hormones/ cycles but it changes quickly so usually only days away from good days hehe
I hope you and your oh can resolve your issues as you sound like you love each other a lot ..
I agree as well that if you feel you owed sex that also turns it off..
Forget sex for a bit .. work on having a great intimate connection ..
And one thing, that is a huge turn off for me, is a routine .. like we kiss for 5 minutes , he reaches for my boobs for few minutes , then reaches down fiddles a bit , .... definite libido killer !
Been there mate. Young kids are demanding and drains all energy, both physical and emotional, since sex in a marriage tends to involve both interest will die off. Be patient and understanding, our kids are 5 and 3, becoming less demanding and our sex life has really picked up. Comparable to what it was like when we first got together. Try a weekend away if you can afford it, kids drain your bank account too! Alternatively ship the kids off to a relative so you can have the weekend to yourselves and go balls out on eating out and days out. May recharge the batteries or lay the foundations for the coming months.
Overall it is difficult for both, my wife said she missed having great sex but could never muster the energy to have sex. Hug her kiss her, make sure she sees you're al for her and it will happen.
all the best.
Everyone has already given such great advice I won't waste time going over it again, instead I want to put one point out there...
Showing your partner affection is great, but if she is already feeling guilty - which she probably is, then her irrational brain will tell her "oh look he just wants another blowjob" or something stupid.
If you want her attention, do it in public! Where she cannot think you are only touching her to get sex. It only has to be simple things - put your arm round her waist when you walk up to her in the shop, hold her hand? Or if you thinkt thats a little immature then after shopping together just grab it for a second and tell her it's nice to be out together even if it is just tesco lol
I went through this feeling for over a year, our sexual encounters were limited to me thinking "I'm not exactly a supermodel if I wanna keep him I better do something for him since the kids aren't here" it was all about the guilt I felt and in turn I felt worse for it.
I can't say how we fixed it really, but I can say how much I appreciate it that my OH wants to hold my hand and come shopping with me, how he tells our oldest boy that we're having some cuddles and he will have to wait to play his games with him. When at night he's playing his Xbox and he jumps up from sitting on the floor just to come over and give me a quick kiss then off he goes again - the quick kiss shows love but hides intent as you're not pressuring her for a reaction.
Women are silly and irrational - you kinda just have to dance around it until you think she feels comfortable enough again to talk x
Lots of great advice … and this comment really resonates with me. My wife and I have been going through a very similar thing … after 20yrs of it I finally decided I wanted to do something about it.
My first approach was wrong. It led me to realise I had inadvertently been creating more pressure, not less. I thought telling my wife I desired her and wanted more affection was the way forward. It sent us in the opposite direction.
My wife always knew I had desire, and wanted more sex. She didn’t need to be told again (and again and again). What she needed was to know that sex wasn’t all I wanted from her. She needed to trust that my desire for her was actually about my love for her. She needed to know that it will be totally ok for her to NOT want sex.
We made a deal to only talk about our relationship on a chosen night of the week (Monday for us). The rest of the week is for fun, and not having to ‘fix’ things. We dated each other more.
There’s so much more to it … but simply put, I’ve backed off, shown her more warmth instead of attacking her …
… and the key. I’ve given her space to be her own sexual being. For too long our sex life was about what I wanted, and when. I wasn’t letting her have the space she needed to think about her own desire for sex in general, or sex with me.
The change takes time. Then more time. Oh, did I mention time? But it is sooo worth it!!
My wife has gone from someone who felt uncomfortable talking about sex, to telling me how much she enjoyed “f*cking my hot husband on the weekend”. We cuddled etc last night (Monday), and she told me if I had a shave today she’d put something on my smooth face tonight.
Light years.
If you think she’s worth it, don’t give up!