Hello everyone. It’s been a tough task finding a place with non-off the wall forums to get advice. This place looks promising so I have my fingers crossed
My husband and I are in a major rut and it’s been difficult. First a little background. We’ve been married for 12 years and with an exception and the very recent past been monogamous. We’ve had two very different sexual paths to where we are. When we met I was shocked to find out he had only had two sexual partners to that point. His explanation was, no matter how hard at times, he only engaged when he got into a committed relationship. I on the other hand was very opposite and have always had a few friends at any given time that I’d have fun with.
First I’ll say we have really good sex. Not quite as often as I’d like but we open ourselves freely to each other and communicate our wants and needs well. Almost a year to the day ago I went on a girls trip to the beach for a bachelorette party my friend never went on due to her being pregnant at the time. I knew there was going to be entertainment there but my husband asked no details before nor would he have after. Sure enough the first night our single friend (of course) had arranged for two entertainers (it’s just easier to comprehend mentally instead of calling them strippers). Long story short is I did not have sex with them but did rub them and gave each a blowjob intermittently but they did not finish, almost like a tease. This rubbed half the party really wrong while the other half were almost encouraging. The next morning I woke up so disappointed and embarrassed that apologized and booked a rental car home.
When I got home I broke down and told my husband as I sobbed endlessly. Needless to say it was a tough few weeks but for the sake of the family we kept everything as normal as possible. It wasn’t until about a month later that we had sex and talked extensively about everything. I don’t know why I did but I even went into my past which included the fact I had sex with and handfulI of guys the first few months we dated before we got more serious. I think i justified my honesty, which I was, with hard and harsh facts as I he only partially believed I did not have sex on the trip.
As our sex life got back to normal he did a 180. Usually when lots of wine was involved he’s ask me about what happened and we’d have mind blowing sex. So much so that I would come close to orgasming without any assistance from toys. Unfortunately I’ve never had a vaginal orgasm with him which is why we’re about 90% anal sex as I can with that. I’ll spare the details as he’s already self conscious about stuff some guys are self conscious about and don’t want to beat up the issue.
Fast forward and one of those nights he asked me if I’ve orgasmed vaginaly before with others and whether he thought I could with the guys from the trip. Again mind blowing sex and he told me he wanted to watch it happen. Majorly caught me off guard and I went back and forth, again usually wine no wine mind changing.
After a lot of thought I told him I wanted to (which in all honesty I’m shocked I didn’t that night and have dreamed about it like most others I think do). I reached out to the one who is just about local on social and explained what we wanted to try. I’ll spare all the naught details but my husband watched me as I orgasmed over and over and had the best physical sad I’d had in a long time. Over the next few months we’d meet him and a friend if his or two once or twice every other weekend or so. As this went on I noticed the “normal” passionate I guess non raunchy sex we were having was getting less and less. The sex as a whole was getting less and less with just us as well. Fast forward again and last month the only sex we had was him having sex with me after the other guys finished (he’s become kinda obsessed with that). So far this month we’ve had sex once together as I said I wanted to pump the brakes a bit (as much as I love it don’t get me wrong) on the other guys.
I realize I started this whole mess but I’m afraid that without the other life in play that we will drift apart sexually. My question is will it take a little time to get things back to normal or does it just stay this way? Am I selfish to say or feel that I want to have sex with other men and keep our sexual lives together steamy? Can they be separated? I have not slept with anyone else without him knowing or him not being there. He says he wants it for me mostly. Is he misguided or fooling himself? Has anyone had good success with counseling on something like this as embarrassing as it is?
Thank you and please be respectful, I’ve already been ostracized by a couple lifelong friends who were either in the trip or heard about what happened.
First and foremost no one here will ever critisise you for your actions, if they do so they are not welcome here to this forum. This is a forum whereby people can come along and speak openly about such issues and seek advice. Wright or wrong you have a wright to ask and you will be respected as such. We will give advice on your situation as you have asked, but the answer you receive will not be against you just an honest opinion of others having read your post.
Hello @ginnygirl18 and welcome to the forum.
I’m so sorry you are going through this, but there are a few things I’m trying to untangle here.
So firstly, you said “I realize I started this whole mess”. I don’t think you can really say that. I mean, obviously you did the stripper thing, but this obsession he has with that event and then the shared sex events aren’t really down to you.
I think my biggest concern is that it sounds like he is obsessed with that event, and seems reluctant to move on from them. To me, that is a strange response. I wonder if he’s subconsciously trying to catch you out because he thinks you did have sex with them. It might not even be deliberate on his part, but I’ve had it where a partner got so obsessed with something in their head that they couldn’t contemplate the idea that it wasn’t true.
The other thing here is the shared sex, and I wonder if he has got so obsessed with you having vaginal orgasms because he’s trying to stop you straying. That’s certainly one way to do it, although personally, I’d prefer the approach my husband takes to such matters, which is to learn how to do it himself and then test it out on me, repeatedly.
But fundamentally, I think you’re right to be concerned, and I think you’re right to be thinking of how to proceed. I dare say I’ll have a few more thoughts during the day, but I’d be interested to see what assessments others make.
Interesting topic. Is your partner religious by any chance?
I think maybe considering some couples counselling could be beneficial for you both but only if you equally want it as will take willingness on both sides to talk and open up on things to a deeper level.
Also not meaning to be too intrusive but is your partner average in size or below average? I’m getting the sense that he may have some insecurities about himself that has been strengthened by knowing he can’t make you orgasm like other men can… I also get the image that he is very understanding and forgiving so you’ve defo got a great guy by your side.
In many cases like this talking, exploring and mostly time is what will work in changing anything.
@ginnygirl18 wow… that’s an intro and a half. Hello and welcome
So I can’t say that I can give alot of advice. Have you spoken to him about this. You’ve said that you are very open about things sexually but you haven’t mentioned that you’ve spoke about how you’re feeling now. These feelings are a lot to carry on your own.
There’s plenty of couples that introduce other partners into their sex lives. Maybe tall to him about the fact that you enjoy this but hate that it seems to be distancing you both. Would you consider adding a girl into the mix? Would he want to do that?
How’s do you get on out of the bedroom?
Counselling may be an option but you will both want to do that. If he’s not on board it won’t work.
Could you add something new into your sex life. Maybe a bit of bondage or some different toys? Do you ever orgasm vaginally with clitoral stimulation. You said you generally go for anal because you can’t orgasm vaginally. Alot of women can’t but if he wants you to orgasm through vaginal sex, clitoral stimulation at the same time may help.
Sorry… I’ve jumped on a few of your points, not necessarily in the right order
Hope you manage to sort it xx
Thank you for all the heart felt responses. I’ll try to cover most of them but if I forget one or two it’s not because I didn’t take it into consideration. First I’ll say we had the most intimate sex we’ve had in months last night. Passionate and lots of sensual touches and kissing was amazing! We will talk about some of the points brought up but I have a feeling it hunch on them also.
Thank you for acknowledging what I’ve seen which is he’s an amazing man. We’ve talked about the joy he gets of seeing me orgasm without my toys for my clit. I get blinders on during sex and he’s amazed at the things I say and the way I act when I’m being pleasured. I’ve had larger partners in the past and I just prefer that. At the same time it’s important but it’s not a deal breaker as there’s so many equally or more important things in our and any relationship. I could def live without it but it’s been great to say the least. And as for the size question yes he’s small and one of the smaller guys I’ve been with. He makes up for it in lots of other ways though. Unfortunately what got me to open up was the fact a lot of those things have been missing the past several months. Last night defenitely brought it back though and opening up like I did really helped on my end. I’m sure I’m just as culpable and could help get that back consistently if I put in more effort myself.
Thank you for the perspective on causing this too. If I hadn’t given the blowjobs though we probably wouldn’t be here so it is reflective on me. On one hand it opened a door and on the other it’s obviously been a challenge. The month or so after was absolute hell even though we, and he for the most part managed to keep it together. I asked him specifically whether or not he knew or watched me having sex with his blessing gave him peace as far as not cheating and he said it wasn’t the reason. I think he believes me about not having sex on the trip and somehow someway trusts me as he never inquires or acts jealous during the occasional girls night out. I’m realizing after thought and the comments that it’s just like anything else in life where balance is needed. We’re going out on a date tonight and I really need to emphasize that. If we could have what we had last night with all the other pluses I’d take it for the rest of my life if that balance is right.
As for counseling I really think it could help but obviously need I guess you could say an alternative sex counselor? I’ve seen some of those online but it’s tricky. I’m concerned of one that would emphasize the alternative over the nuts and bolts of us if that makes sense. Maybe I’m overthinking it and just need to reach out and get a feel almost like an interview.
I wonder too if his fixation on this is partially due to how limited he’s been sexually in his life. Yes he, and to a degree we are religious which was a big driver for him in his past. I’m thankful for it as I’ve never really worried about him and he’s always placed me at the top of the mountain with how he feels about me. I think that’s a huge part of the pleasure he gets is seeing me so satisfied. I love the attention of multiple men during sex and from a physical standpoint prefer it. I get a euphoric almost completely numb feeling. His fixation really didn’t kick into overdrive until he saw that with me. Again completely new to him. As for other women I’ve told him I’d be open to it and he shows little to no interest. He says I’m all that he wants and needs and if it changes he will be open. I really don’t foresee that happening with what I’ve known of him for so many years.
I think that about all of it and if I missed I apologize. I’m overwhelmed a bit by the attempted help and non critical thought. I was so nervous when I logged in and saw responses thinking someone would call me a whore or slut or something like that. Unfortunately that’s happened with two of the friends from the trip including what was my best friend for the better part of 20 years. Unfortunately she put it out there in social that I’ve spent my life doing one night stands and having sex with every guy I’ve met. To make it worse she shared photos of me “accidentally” with others we know of me giving the blowjobs. The “accidental” part was a group text of a dozen or so people with a few of those pictures “accidentally” thrown in from the entire weekend. I had to block everyone except for a couple people as I was relentlessly referred to with awful terms like mudshark, slut, etc. If you’ve heard it it was said. Couldn’t be farther from the truth as until my slip up had been completely faithful to my hubby. Either way it left an awful taste and am glad I didn’t get that here. So I guess it’s on to looking into counseling since that was the overwhelming thought and some pride the weight isn’t all on me. Thank you!!!
I cannot offer any advise but I really feel for you. I hope the advice that has been offered you helps in someway and you and your husband manage to sort thinds out. Good luck @ginnygirl18
Sorry, no suggestion im afraid. I just wanted to reassure you that this isnt that type of place. The whole point of the forum is to be a safe space where you can talk and ask questions.
Im so sorry someone you considered a friend did something so horrible to you. That really is dreadful.
Didn’t want to read and run. What your friend did was awful, I’m so sorry you had to experience that from someone close I’m glad you and your hubby are taking time together and things have been good and sensual between you. I’d pull back on involving anyone else for now and just focus on the 2 of you, then in the future discuss how to involve others (if that’s what you want) without any wine in your system to make sure all decisions are sober and not alcohol fuelled xx
Hey guys. So we talked a lot while out last night. We’ve settled in counseling. He’s a little particular in his demands to feel comfortable (female and online) and I’m good with that. I think the biggest takeaway from opening up about this and talking with my hubby is way have been way off in communication. We’ve both sent mixed signals and together it’s caused a bit of a mess. I’ll pop in with an occasional update on how it’s going but overall we are very optimistic we will find the balance! Thank you!
I’m glad you and your hubby are taking time together and things have been good and sensual between you. I’d pull back on involving anyone else for now and just focus on the 2 of you, then in the future discuss how to involve others (if that’s what you want) without any wine in your system to make sure all decisions are sober and not alcohol fuelled xx