Hi guys,looking for some advice/help.Myself and the mrs are in a very big sexual slump at the minute,truth be told it’s going on for the last 2 years.When we were younger (i’m 37 my beautiful wife is 35) we used to be sexually active nonstop.I realise we’re older married and have 2 kids,7 + 4 years of age,so it ain’t gonna be what it was,which was me killed out with demand!! However at the moment we barely have sex,unless she’s had a couple of drinks and she’s all for it.I’ve bought toys and costumes from LH and we’ve talked about it loads of times but nothing changes.I’m at my wit’s end i love my wife so much but i’m so frustrated i don’t know what to do? any thoughts would be appreciated,thanks
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I’d be honest with her. When we went thru our dry spell, and this lasted almost 3 years for us, ny husband flat out told me, do you love me anymore? I told him I’d work on this but I was/am going thru therapy and I’m also on meds, this helped me tremendously.
Having said that, being a mom and conscious of the kids upbringing I put on back burner from time to time.
I’d try a date night just the two of you. I also would have appreciated the anticipation, fore warning to get my mind in a more relaxed headspace. I hope good wishes for you both.
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Hi @WestsAwake
It’s a common story - more common than not.
There is a ton of information on the net about this kind of thing. I would look up Dr Emily Nagoski, Dr Laurie Beitito (great TED talks) and you will find others from there.
I recommend biting the bullet and aiming for therapy.
You need a safe space to discuss, and outside help can really support making changes.
You need to put your wife and her feelings first, but you need to let her know that sex is an important part of your lives together.
We had a similar experience - two kids and also trauma history - but we went to therapy and things have changed dramatically.
I made it clear to my wife that it’s not orgasms I need, it’s the intimacy and connection.
I think we managed to bring sex back to something means love for us both, and also, as we are older, how we do sex has changed.
There is more ritual, a lot more warm up (baths, candles, music, massages) but the end result is amazing. Long, fun sessions with lingerie, toys and just much more adventurous.
It’s quality over quantity for us these days.
Through therapy, my wife has come to terms more with the fact that she has a right to pleasure, and a better understanding of what makes her feel sexy, turned on and how to have sex on her terms.
It’s not perfect, but to be honest, it can be wonderful, amazing and it’s a whole new world for us.
Good luck.
Communication is lubrication 
Hope things change for you - give it some time though,
X
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I’d tell her you need to use toys to deal with the frustration. She may become more interested if she’s aware that you’re enjoying yourself.
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Life catches up sometimes, especially with little ones around, ship the kids to bed and have a few cosy nights with the Mrs, candles possibly wine… Its harder when they are teenagers!
You need to arrange so parents time…
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Have you talked to your wife about how your feeling and how much you want to get back some romance?
Perhaps it could be an option together to plan a weekend sexy getaway without the kids or at least have a date night?
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Agree with others, a lot is about communications between you both, and of course as others have said, it is a common experience, especially when children are involved.
I’m male myself, but I can understand how difficult it must be for ladies to come away from being in ‘mum mode’, and I would expect whilst being mum, sex be off the table. We’re also in a dry spell of 18+ months.
I think @our-adventure-bed has highlighted it well in terms of having that time before to get into the right space with the ritual side, and finding ways can help your wife recognize it is OK to have her own needs as an adult also. I should imagine the times she’s had drinks she’s been able to perhaps park being Mum perhaps - but of course, that is something to talk to your lady about, and certainly don’t want to be relying on alcohol to solve it.
I’d also suggest the conversation being away from the bedroom too, and of course explain you’re missing intimacy and such like, yet focus on what your ladies thoughts are around what is going on for her. I personally find it difficult being honest and open with my feelings without it feeling like I am adding to the problem or putting my OH under pressure.
Depending on how things go, maybe seeing a counsellor together might help. My OH isn’t convinced around counselling, but has said she would go with me to see if it would help. That might be our next step.
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I have been with DH for 22 years and our children are now older. I am now really ready to be sexual most days but I must have put him off as now he is on this site all the time reading posts and probably looking at the pictures but rarely touches me at the moment. We do talk all the time though. We recently had a conversation about initiating and both realised I initiated a lot more then he realised, I was just more subtle then stood in the middle of the room naked. Historically his self pleasuring and constantly asking for sex was a huge turn off when our kids were younger and we tried to work through that together. We came out with a great results eventually but we are not young and he is always tired so looks like another dry spell for us. Good luck, keep talking and don’t give up. I won’t.
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We’ve been honest with each other and we’ve talked about it loads of times,but alas nothing seems to change.
We have had date nights which are great but then it’s back to normality again.
Any time i suggest we go upstairs it’s generally met with “i’m not in the mood or not tonight love i’m tired”
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Thanks,will look up them doctors and hopefully may get some inspiration from there.I hear ya about the intimacy over the orgasms but there ain’t either happening at the moment
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We have talked lots about it and she has said that she wanted a bit of time without sex,as she wasn’t in the headspace for it,which i’ve respected but here we are 18 months later and just drifting along sexually
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We’ve also had the conversation about initiating and she feels i should do more of,but i’ve been knocked back so many times my confidence is gone in that department,i’m at the point where i couldn’t take another no!!
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Indeed, can relate entirely, especially with the knock backs you mention, as each time just feels like another rejection. Even with just being intimate, as in skin to skin contact, thats really what it is that I miss, intimacy, feeling wanted and desired.
I think with my GFs thoughts around counselling it is likely to be an issue as I am not sure she is ready to be open minded around it, but perhaps I need to arrange something with her and see where things go.
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Hi @WestsAwake
I thoroughly recommend listening and watching what you can on the subject - I listen to loads of podcasts (I commute a few days a week) and listen to lots of ladies talking about what they love in the bedroom, and what turns them on. It’s the most helpful thing, and I can share all that with my wife.
There are loads of experts in the field and they are fun. It’s not a boring subject!
Shameless Sex, The Horny Housewife and Clit Talk are all great podcasts.
I can’t recommend therapy enough either - it’s a safe space to talk about sex.
It’s changed things 100% for us.
We fought in some of the sessions - but that’s out of the way now and we are on a different level.
Not perfect - it never is.
But very different - and lots more fun.
Good luck!
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Hey @Mr_Kink1
Look up some sex therapists and give it a go - it made such a massive difference for us!
A lot came out in those sessions - and a lot is behind us now, if that makes sense.
I think it’s taken us to a new understanding of each other and of what sex means as part of a loving relationship.
I can’t recommend it enough!
Hope it goes well - we have had a lot of ups and downs on the journey, but the end result has been up, up and up. I really hope you guys have a similar - or better experience.
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I was in a similar situation. I signed up for a subscription box for sex toys so it was a surprise for us, and planned a date night. I know she loves new things and subscriptions (bit of an lol here), so I thought maybe it would pique her curiousity. It worked! We certainly don’t have sex as much as I would like but I’m also guilty of falling back into routine. But we are at least communicating once again and starting to have fun.
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I think as its already been said best thing you could do is sit down and have s conversation about how your feeling, why her sex drive is low and what you could both maybe do to set the mood. I would probably say that if shes struggling to get to get in the mood sex will be daunting enough for her then toys and clothing will never work. You may find going backwards is actually the way forwards ie try and spark a bit of romance and intamacy, as much as us men hate giving them try giving her massages and making a nice dinner. If you can take her away for a night or a romantic weekend.
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@MrsmrB Why do men hate giving massages? Its skin on skin intimate touch, isn’t that what you’re after?
I think when one partners drive is higher than the other, the person with the low drive feels a bit pestered like @jpuk indicated and this is such a turn off because it feels like you’re basically a warm body providing a service.
Give your partner intimacy with non sexual touch and show them you love them as a whole person and not as a sexual object. Compliment them for the beautiful human that they are.
Buying toys and outfits for someone rarely goes well if the person doesn’t already use them.
Communication is the main thing and have a weekly date night, its not going to just fall into place unless you both put the work in. I also recommend looking up the love language quiz and do that with your partner and share rhe results. This will tell you both how you like to be loved.
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I may have picked this up wrong but it sounds like you’re not happy that your partner has been on the forum. We’re a community here and a great support system, hopefully you find that yourself 
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I want to clarify my earlier comment because it didn’t come across the way I wanted. When I brought up the subscription, it was during a dinner date with just the two of us (a rarity) and was wrapped in a conversation about how important the intimacy is to me, and wanting to reconnect. The goal of the subscription was more to target an event (the arrival of the box) as a way to create that spark rather than hoping the spark arrived on its own. And I was clear that there was no pressure and I wouldn’t do something she wasn’t comfortable with. Sex toys without communication OR with expectation is bound to fail.
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