Hi all,
My OH and I have been together for years and we are in our mid/late 20's. My OH has never been able to orgasm either from solo play or playing together. We have vibrators, and while she gets excited using a clitoral vibrator or using a rabbit, after some time of feeling good and getting more excited it simply turns uncomfortable.
I am hoping for some helpfull advice particularly from the ladies.
Thank you in advance!
i some times have this problem....... some times its something on my mind i can't let go that pissed me off during the day that pervents me from cumming.
or the point of 'letting go'... aka to relax more then i was. kinda thing.
there has been a few times where i spend like over a hour and a half before i just give up trying to get off... and just wait till like first thing in the mornings. when you just wake up
.....
try that...... play at first thing in the morning after you wake up, one some times is most relaxed then.... may help.
Is she on any medication that may be affecting her ability to orgasm? I have found that being on antidepressants has severely decreased it for me. I still get horny but it takes a lot sometimes to achieve orgasm.
Maybe try talking about fantasies and things that get her hot. She may have a secret desire that will finally push all the right buttons for her. For me it's anal play...sometimes just thinking about it during solo pussy or clit play. Maybe she has a trigger like that...?
Maybe a bit of relaxation before might help? I find that if I'm wound up it doesn't help or if I am subconsciously hoping for something specific to happen it just doesn't work out. Sometimes switching the settings helps, so perhaps start low, switch up a bit, change vibration pattern, lower the power, take it back up again, just mix it up but not so often that there's no chance to feel how it works out.
Honestly I have a friend with the same issue; she can;t orgasm solo or with a guy. She has in all honest just found ways to make it pleasurable to the maximum for her, though she is not one to explore uou could always try a wand to see if that helps. The big wand really does get a reaction and if it is in the mind or due to medication it may be: once she orgams the first time whether it be solo or with you, after that the mind block of 'i can't' will disappear and it will become easier.
I know it is a different situation but I had the case of my mind said to me I couldn't orgasm from a partner's touch (assholes exs etc putting the thought into my mind), and once he made me with a wand under no pressure to orgasm in the first place, it was so much easier and the mind block is slowly disappearing.
If it is a case that she cannot, that I'd advise find ways to make it as enjoyable as possible and aim for the pleasure of the feeling instead of the end result for her. :) xx
I was like that for yars and I agre with AlyBlue - once I did it for the first time, the block I cannot do it was released. It did not become easier immediately, it actually took me months to orgasm more easily, but now I have very few problems normally. And even can orgasm from vaginal stimulation or even no stimulation at all.
My advice would be to relax. If she is worried about work, or anything... it will not work. A good idea would be trying for it solo, since my first was solo. You can be selfish and focus on yourself and not worry about a partner - I dont imply that you are incompetent, but I found trying solo was easier in the beginning. Also reading some good story - I am not so much into porn, but into erotical books - can stimulate her in the right direction and set the mind nicely. I even now find it easier to orgasm solo if I read a story or two before I play.
With toys, no single toy works for everyone. For me, it was the pinpoint bullet vibes which did the trick, but other prefer wands. And some women dont like clitoral stimulation much and use insertable toys. Its about exploration really and it may take some time to get there.
Also strangely, Kegal balls made it easier for me. They dont so much stimulate, but are exercise, but you really get more aware of the muscles. And my orgasms did become stronger and I had the first vaginal.
It will take time, but it is fun to explore!
All the responses here are brilliant and what I instantly thought about a few things has already been answered.
Only ever came across one friend with same issue she couldn't orgasm but she had a medical problem which after visiting her doctor having tests became apparent. It upset her cos she really wanted to please her partner with moaning they had their own deal where she faked the noises and she was In control because she too found it uncomfortable after a while this was about 8 years ago and after their first child she has since been able to orgasm something changed in her body I can't quite remember thenins and outs of it as we lost contact when they moved away to start family life in a new area. I'm not at all saying you have a medical problem just its the only time I know of someone else not being able to orgasm.
The medication is a good point I've been on various anti depressants and anti psychotics over the years and I used to abuse alcohol and substances before I went to rehab yes ago which all affected my sex drive and even ability to even feel horny at times. Some anti depressants made it hard for me to reach full orgasm but I think it may be what a few others have said about that point of finally letting go. I have certainly found orgasm and sex in general a lot better and more easier to relax since I found out and acted upon certain sexual desires.
I have found it uncomfortable after knowing I'm nearing orgasm then just not getting it and then I'm uncomfy too when I think of those times its often been because I'm not fully in the moment my heads elsewhere or I'm stressed . Partners have never done anything wrong to me for me to spontaneously change how I feel but underlying stress n every day life and problems affect our minds and bodies too.
Lots of alone experimenting helped me. I'm now the total opposite I'm horny and able to orgasm most of the time now when in the mood. Erotic reading is a great way to seduce the mind before getting down to it ;)
I second the advice about changing the vibe speed at the right times etc or if she can calculate the point where its gonna stop being enjoyable and become uncomfortable (I know its hard to know butnif she feels it coming on) maybe she could then take total control her body will know what she needs to reach the point of Cummings. Sometimes when I'm soloing it just at that point I have to just push squeeze myself really tight sounds odd and I won't be graphic and explain what I mean properly but ever since I found that point in myself yearsbago I've found cumming during sex possible :)
Good luck. Xx
A lot of the time if it's not a medical reason then it's down to the mental aspect of having an orgasm. A lot of people have mental blocks from either past experience or just because of a stressful or pressured atmosphere. If the idea of having an orgasm is clouding up your partners mind then they will struggle. For example if you think of a situation where something seems scary, the build up of thoughts in your head makes it far worse and eventually you either fight or flight. I would suggest speaking about what turns eachother on, what feels good and what doesn't and if anything either of you do is not really working for your partner. I once dated a girl who was far too aggressive with her handjobs and I tried to put up with this for ages until she asked why I never actually get anywhere, I was honest and assured her she still did feel amazing I'm just not really into rough sex of that nature and she took her time and started to take note of what worked and what didn't. This is another thing to remember that not everyone is the same, one partner may love lots of tongue and no fingers but someone else may require fingers and tongue. You really need to read your partners sign, listen to the cues which show things are working and try and talk dirty but don't apply pressure by saying "are you nearly there?" Etc. The more relaxed and the more time you take the better, it can also take a while for some people so make sure you get comfortable and go for the long run!
Excellent advice above from everyone too, the most important thing is communication so maybe have a chat over a few drinks. Good luck!
Thank you for all the great advice so far!
There are no known medical problems for which my OH needs to take medication, other than some iron supplements. We have also changed from pill to coil, in hopes that this would improve things. We are no athletes but no couch potatoes either so should be fit enough to orgasm.
We shall try in the morning, but I see already a couple of problems with that as OH is the kind of person who wants to get up and do what needs to be done that day before "fun time". Also she usually does not sleep particularly well so I think she is actually not that relaxed in the morning.
We have tried hour long massages, prior to anything, and while it was enjoyed and relaxed her, there were no improvements. Long baths, also did not help, but were also enjoyed.
We communicate very openly and all fantasies that we could come up with have been discussed. I'm open minded and there has not been one which was mentioned that I said no to.
I think as others have mentioned it is the "mind block", but how to get rid of that? She is a cerebral person, always thinking about things, but we all have busy lives and have stuff at work and at home, how are others doing it, to "switch off"?
I'll encourage her to read erotic stories again, I remember that she has enjoyed those in the past. I also agree with what has been said, that it is more likely to be successful when playing solo, so that she can fully focus on herself. Might also have a look at wands as an option as that is pretty much the only toy we haven't tried yet, can anyone recommend one?
Vixenchel, do you remember the medical condition of your friend? Also sorry to sound stupid, but what "push squeeze" do you refer to? Pressure on the G-spot at that moment, or vaginal contraction with the pelvic muscles?
LIL_KNOWN69, OH doesn't really enjoy receiving oral, and in fact is getting more pleasure from giving it. I have questioned my technique, but previous partners have enjoyed what I did, and reading up to improve my technique and get new ideas also didn't help.
A friend of my OH has recently suggested to her that we should change our relationship to an open one, so that she can be with older/more experienced gentlemen that can "show her how to orgasm". Apparently this scenario would potentially include me seeing other women to "learn". I'm not sure what to think of that, but feel guilty that I'm not able to help my OH orgasm.
Have you tried toys which don't vibrate? Sometimes vibrations can get too much.
I would advise avoiding the open relationship option, this could be more damaging than useful. I would consider reading erotica together / watching tame porn together, there are plenty of films with a story line base, so it isn't full on all the way through.
Have you tried date nights, a surprise night of two away from routine, enjoying different scenery / activities, no work related pressures causing distractions. I understand both of you feel frustrated, being patient will help and trying not to focus on reaching climax with achieving.
With the wand there are several on offer here, i would look at the rechargable or battery options first, they are more portable, they can be used on all the body areas too.