OH’s decreased sex drive journey

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hello I’m back! I hope you are all well, I see there are still some familiar faces around.

I had to take a break from the forum, my OH’s libido dropped, and it’s been a whole time. I was finding that I was comparing myself to others and it was not doing my mental health any good.

But we are booked in for couples therapy with a sexologist in the middle of November, and I’m starting to feel like there’s hope for us. I’m nervous, mostly nervous that it won’t work.

I’ve regularly denied myself and kept my distance to respect what he’s going through right now. We’ve kept communicating, and I remind him how grateful I am that he’s so on board with fixing it, and even accepting that it’s something we need to work on in the first place. But, it’s been frustrating, (I’ve gone through a whole process of thinking it’s me that’s not enough for him…sigh)

It’s been quite up and down, and confusing because when we do have sex, it’s so fulfilling, he seems to be able to get hard and stay hard spontaneously and responsively but… the frequency of us actually just doing it just isn’t where I visioned it would be at our age and level of love for each other.
Then I ruin it for myself because while we are having sex, I think “this is it for x number of days/weeks now” and even though he makes sure I am satisfied, sex just makes me more horny.

A while back my libido was low and I actively sought out to fix it, so I know it can be done, but for me it was a birth control complication as well as other medication, so once it was out of my system I returned to normal. He’s not on any medication and hasn’t been for years.

The rest of the marriage is fantastic, best friends, talk about everything, spend more time together now since I’m a stay at home dog mum/admin.
We are just lacking in the sex department. He’s great, he wants to fix it, he’s just started supplements in case it’s a deficiency somewhere, he’s super fit and healthy otherwise, we’ve reduced stress. Next step is a blood test, and therapy. But I heard that the hormone scales they measure T are a bit off, and doctors can be reluctant to give out T if your levels are low normal.
We are only 30. I am terrified if left untreated this will just fester towards a DB.

My question is, has anyone found therapy to work for them? Any success “got my libido back” stories? Supplements you swear by? Anything?

It recently came out that he thinks he’s been low libido for years, since he took a medication to try and stop him from losing his hair when he was a late teenager, which is a common side effect, but shouldn’t have lasted this long. He was also on Ritalin from age 5 to about 18. He also recently said his orgasms aren’t as good as they used to be when he was a lot younger. He’s blaming the hair loss medication fully to be honest.

Then I get up in my head about it, am I asking too much.
I know it’s not a DB - since we have had very fulfilling sex in the 4 years we’ve been together - as some of you will remember from my posts, just maybe not exceptional with regards to frequency. I’ve tracked it, so far 36 times this year, and I know that’s no where near a DB and probably some on here would wish they had that, but we are young and still madly in love with each other… surely this isn’t it for us.

Anyway, sorry for the brain vomit.

TL:DR
Husbands sex drive is low, want to know success stories with therapy/supplements/ anything else to keep my hopes up for the both of us

9 Likes
2

I’m significantly older but my issue was low testosterone.

I was prescribed a hormone replacement gel and it sorted me out no problem.

Definitely get tested to see if the problem is actually a cureable physical problem.

2 Likes
3

What’s the best way to get tested? I got a feeling i’m in the same boat with low test

2 Likes
4

Hey welcome back! It does sound like you’ve been on a long journey with things and actually I’d say your doing all the right stuff with the therapy and keeping communication open… so I do hope it all goes well

2 Likes
5

I went to my GP.

He took blood, sent it to be tested and it came back with a result showing that my testosterone level was off the bottom of the scale.

He prescribed Testogel, a hormone replacement gel which I rub on every day and he also prescribed sildanafil (viagra) to build my confidence back up again.

The Testogel brought my testosterone level back up beautifully and I now only use the sildanafil if i know she wants me rock hard for a long time for her own nefarious purposes. (I’m 72 so my normal erections are not as hard or as enduring as they were 50 years ago).

3 Likes
6

Hi and i’m glad you are back here. It sounds like you and him are supporting each other through this and discussing things. I have no knowledge of sex therapy but wish you both, best of luck. Worth getting tested re hormones etc. Big hugs to both of you. Please advise us of your results. We are a lot older than you but could do with lots of help. :people_hugging: :people_hugging:

2 Likes
8

Does sound like it is (at least partly) psychological for him so the therapy would be the best option for that. It’s really good that he’s open to trying to fix it but if he is convinced it was a medication he may not fully let himself engage with the therapy. Hopefully after a couple of sessions once you and your therapist have got to know each other they will be able to give you more of an idea as to what they think the problem could be.
I’m guessing you can’t pinpoint a trigger for the decrease?

1 Like
9

Mrssaffa! So pleased you’re back lovely, you’ve been missed but I’m sorry for what you’re both going through. It sounds like a very frustrating and confusing time for you.

I’ve no advice on the low libido for Mr, but I do know that for me sex is very much out of sight, out of mind. I need to be mentally stimulated and my body catches up a bit afterwards. Sometimes being on this forum, I think numbs my desire for sex, but I do enjoy the frank discussions we have here without anyone turning it inappropriately sexual. There are some interesting topics that spark something and I’ll discuss it with my partner and then it might trigger the neurons and my body will want to be stimulated.

You could try the Carnal Calibration quiz and see if anything new sparks an interest in him. Planning what you want to do and talking about it in advance can really help to get the grrrs going. From what you’ve said, you’re doing everything right lovely.

3 Likes
10

@steve19 @rockstar
Thanks guys, I will let you know. Maybe I will keep this thread as a diary thread in case our experiences help someone.

Rockstar: Were your symptoms just low libido, or did you have other symptoms if you don’t mind me asking?

Steve19: I hope my humble experience can help, big hugs to you too.
I don’t think it’s ever too late. Do you think you two would be able to get where you want to be? Or are you happy with where you are? I’m interested in all sides and ways of dealing with this sort of thing!

11

@Nat99 I agree. I wish and hope it’s as simple as low T, as terrible as that sounds, because that would be an comparatively easy fix, but I’m not convinced it’s that, or at least maybe not low enough for the doctor to want to do anything about it, but low enough for him to feel the effects. Not gonna know until we just find out though hey.

At the risk of telling you what I should be telling the therapist, I can’t pinpoint it no, I’ve asked him and he’s said pretty much when he started taking that medication when he was younger. BUT I know that he was very active after that. He’s told me he would masturbate 8 times a day if he was bored enough, had girlfriends who he’s told me in his words were “sex obsessed”.

With me, he’s always been responsive, spontaneous and sometimes we would have sex 3-4 times a week, but then he could go weeks or sometimes even months without it if I didn’t remind him it’s a thing.
Considering he could masturbate that frequently, I got in my head about the fact we’ve never even done daily sex in the whole time we’ve been together (aside from honeymoon I guess)
I’m shyer than what he’s described his last partners as, so I’ve had troubles initiating, but he’s never expressed an issue with that, due to feeling like he was just used as a sex toy by previous relationships, and so any kind of pressure or coming on to him too strongly sends him back to those times, which, as I’m sure we will find out soon, were pretty toxic for him.
Yet, he’s playful sexually, and I initiated a few weeks ago and it’s like he was surprised, we were just in bed and I was feeling it, and he was like “oh, you want to be f*cked?” And I was like only if you want to, and he was like “I always want to my love” and off we went… but it’s so confusing because I know he doesn’t, because we haven’t had sex since, and he declined me the other day, even though I got him hard twice during the day when we were playing around and cuddling.

Just writing this out is giving me whiplash.

I kinda feel like imposter syndrome kicks in because it’s so up and down and all over the place like that. We aren’t in crisis, but there’s just a block there that we can’t get past.
Hence why I’m 50/50 thinking it’s physiological/physiological AND that I got things to work on too. Thank you for being my pre-therapist therapist :joy:

12

@HornyHousewife69
Sorry to hear you are having struggles.
We had this issue with me early on, and one of our first blow ups about sex was because there was no frequency and it turned out he had gotten so in his head that he couldn’t make me orgasm he felt inadequate.

Turns out it was the Fluoxetine I was on. I stopped it for other reasons, and my drive and ability to orgasm went to normal. I’d been on Fluoxetine since I was 16, so I didn’t know what normal was for me.
I could orgasm on it but it took forever. Off it, I could orgasm PIV (but that’s stopped now probably because of everything that’s happening and I’m all up in my feelings) but I can still climax quickly with clit stimulation.

I get what you mean. Every body is different. It could be worth asking your doctor if there’s anything you can do, alter what medication you take that doesn’t have those side effects maybe?

13

@JoCat Hi Jo! I have missed you too, I did hop on here and there to see how everyone was doing, but it has the opposite effect for me, it’s like “here’s what you can’t have” and then I want it more :joy:

Perhaps that’s him too, re the out of sight out of mind…
But, I will regularly show off my arse which I know he loves, and he will in general come up and slap or dry hump or touch me etc etc - all the normal sexual playful things right, I do the same back, everything I know he likes. Like it’s there, it’s in his face, he can have it whenever he wants (except I don’t act needy cos that’s just not me) but actually just going the next step is confusingly difficult to attain more often than not. But it’s not non existent, it’s unfair of me to say he’s got NO sex drive. It’s just that the bastard teases me then we don’t do anything for (checks calendar) 12 days currently. (1st 12 days of my cycle might I add, so I’ve missed out on my prime fking time this month… again :joy:)
He’s fit, sexy and irritating.

Re the quizzes, we had the Spicer app and got a vast idea of what we are in to, got a whole toy box within easy reach full of Lovehoney goodies, and we just don’t use them. (We have in the past, but no where near enough)
I’ve text him or talked to him what we can do, what I want him to do, what does he want me to do etc, send him tiktoks here and there of little things, he responds positively. Both our engines could be running and, when it comes to it, it becomes our old faithful routine that works, or we just don’t do sex at all and I’m frustrated.
I asked him, he said he prefers it to just be in the moment, and “in the moment” we forget/don’t take the time to pause and see what we can do to play.
We did a few things on our list, plus other things we’ve discovered on the way but considering the list was very long, it’s abysmal how much we haven’t done.
I’ve talked to him about just playing around with foreplay, and he’s enthusiastically agreed to try some new things out, but…. Sex has literally not happened to be able to do it. I’m just bloody well confused honestly :joy:

14

Low libido and ED.

15

@mrssaffa Wife has gone through menopause and has lost interest in sex, we are very very happy in every other aspect and have a great life.

3 Likes
16

Hi @mrssaffa :wave: Sorry I can’t offer any advice, my OH has a low sex drive too but he doesn’t see anything wrong with it. Mine has recently dropped too so at least I’m no longer frustrated :sweat_smile: I don’t post often but read everyday so, even if you don’t remember me, I’ve missed reading your posts and it’s lovely to have you back :blush: :heart:

1 Like
17

That’s very interesting you e said about the hair loss causing low libido. My OH takes finestraside (?) for hair loss and has a very low libido at the moment. I had a low libido (read:nonexistent) for about 10 years due to the pill and OH had a really high sex drive so was a massive issue for us. After having a kid and now vow never to go back on the pill I feel like a new person with an amazing sec drive…. But OH seems to have repressed himself so much that he now has no libido while I’m begging :sweat_smile::sweat_smile: just can’t win.
I wanted to do sex counselling as I’ve now experienced both sides of a low libido and believe the best thing is to talk it out, find the root cause (pun maybe intended :innocent:), but he’s such a private person he wouldn’t do it.
I’ll look into the hair loss drug side effects but he’s soooo self conscious about his hair

18

Doesn’t sound terrible at all! But you’ll know soon enough and be able to work on whatever the issue is.
There’s a difference between having sex and enjoying sex. It sounds like he’s had some negative experiences in the past which won’t have helped and it’s rewired his way of thinking slightly.
It does sound like therapy could really help both of you and I’m so glad you’re seeking help and both open to it.
Honestly happy to talk! As long as it helps even a little x

1 Like
19

I completely understand why you’d be confused, it seems like he’s saying the things that you want to hear and doing the teasing bits…and …then …nothing.

I know you obviously don’t want to put pressure on him, he’s probably putting a lot on himself, but when you both are doing the teasing and his body is responding, if you were to say take his top off and kiss his chest, and gently take the lead, would he follow?

Therapy can only help, even if it just gets the conversation going with someone thats trained to mediate. He may have some unresolved trauma to deal with from his past relationships and it really is great that he’s willing to work on it and not just bury his head in the sand. You may both benefit from individual sessions too, especially if he’s putting all the blame on to the hair loss meds, he may just really want that to be the issue and not his testosterone levels. Which is understandable. The main thing is finding something to be the cause, because then you can work on it.

Do you have people to talk to openly about how you’re feeling? Using the thread as a diary will help you get those feelings out too but if being on here is frustrating, I’d hope you have someone you can ‘pour it out’ with.

1 Like
20

@Kitty-Cat01 of course I remember you :slight_smile: sorry to hear things have dropped, but you are spot on, if you are still matched and happy then it doesn’t have to be a bad thing! It’s when it’s mismatched then it gets a bit difficult.
Thank you for such a lovely comment, I do hope you are doing well truly and hope to see you around more often. :slight_smile:

2 Likes
21

@JoCat you have such a sound head on your shoulders.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about this, it’s been my family are very private which meant I grew up in a sex negative household until I was 26. My friends know him and I feel uncomfortable talking about this with them. So it’s been such a blessing to be able to spill everything out here to be honest, and gather my thoughts before they get dissected by a therapist.
Thank you so much for your time reading and replying to me, it means a lot.

I think I’m past the comparative trap now, I think I just had to admit to myself that it’s okay to have stuff that isn’t perfect, and I’m blessed that I’m with someone who isn’t dismissing the problem and things could be so much worse.

Ah, re taking the lead, I don’t know. It’s not worked in the past. Personally I think it transports him back to some other time in his head, based off what he does and says in following discussions. He has trauma responses with oral too, so that’s been ongoing saga where he’s said he wants to but just never does or when he does he’s said he’s gone in to a spiral mentally and we have to stop completely, or when I do for him he stops me to switch to a HJ, even though he was close to finishing. I am way in over my head with that stuff, beyond under qualified to help fix it. I’ve tried and nothing is working, I think he just puts it all in a box and pretends it’s not there. Honestly I think he hasn’t come to terms with the fact it might all come up in therapy. So fingers crossed he doesn’t bail.
That’s the only way I can really describe his reaction. Yet I have no idea if therapy can fix any of those aversions to be honest.
I struggle to initiate for my own personal reasons, and I’m totally open to the idea that I am the issue too.

He’s quite playful in a sexual way anyway, but the ADHD is strong, he will grind and dance with me in the kitchen to a song in his head and it’s just, the “play” and “sexual” line is so blurred, cos then he will bring up something like what the puppy did today or what happened at work immediately after. Maybe it’s just so common now that it doesn’t lead anywhere because it’s intimacy in its own right.
He also makes sexual jokes a lot, like, he doesn’t act like he has no testosterone, if that makes sense.

Sometimes it does develop, but it’s always when he’s already raging to be honest, and there is a difference then. And that’s not that often.
I think I’m just so scared of putting pressure on him and getting declined, grateful for him in the moment that I just let it go the way it goes.

Saying that, I was being very suggestive yesterday, knowing he won’t do anything because he’s sick, so I just let go after a shower and was giving him a show, just like he does with me. Ironically, the thing he thought to do in that moment after a bit of a play, was to start doing the questionnaire the therapist sent us. :joy::joy:
Later he came up to me and said “thank you for the cuddles and for the butt show, loved every second of it”.

All this to say, it’s a total mindfuck :crazy_face::joy:

I think I’ve convinced myself it’s probably highly likely to something psychological hey :joy:

2 Likes