Hi, just a thought, I want to try and help as others do. I’m thinking on what I’ve done and do… OH wasn’t into anything. I can get her to do stuff a bit now and then and enjoy it too so she’s not completely off sex, it just takes alot of effort…
I had reached a low ebb. I thought o well I’ll let it all hang out, so I walk around in front of her with penis on show, then progressed to doing that with an erection. I caught her looking and wondered if she was feeling anything?.. then only recently I’ve started to mastubate in bed beside her.
It’s a real turn on too. I would have been too embarrassed to do this at one time but got to a point where I didn’t care anymore. I have now progressed to actually cumming too which was really difficult to get over the edge knowing she’s there and knowing what I’m doing.
Luckily for me she did respond “what are you doing under there?”. Things have worked better since then but the effort I have to put in to get things going is really tough at times… so I also resort to alot of solo play and anal insertion toys which helps with to lower the frustration a little.
Yes instead of taking it out on yourself, just go for it, do some stuff in front of her maybe, start off gently though … maybe mastubating in same room so you know she notices.
It has to be worth a try. What do you think? Would she just leave and go to another room or would she at least stay there???
Walked about in underwear…then sexy underwear…still nothing.
Went upstairs to get busy…thinking surely this would work???
He popped his head in the doorway en route to the bathroom…then walked out saying “oh you’re busy then”
I know exactly how shitty this feels as I have been in the same situation to the point where I was ready to leave our marriage but then the lock down came and I was basically stuck. We discussed that my wife was no longer interested in sex in the same way as before although she never did explain why that was or why she no longer wanted physical contact. I put it down to falling out of love and felt at my lowest. For almost a year, I stopped initiating sex and touching in an even remotely sexual way even on the occasions that she would initiate it, I refrained from paying sexual attention back to her. A few days ago, I asked her if she still felt no interest to see or if anything had changed since a year ago . She doesn’t like discussing sex so didn’t give much of a verbal reply but for the first time in years we kissed passionately and made love.
I honestly don’t know if this is a new start or just a one off but I’m feeling really good about it so my message is that things can change so try to hang in there and get to a comfortable place where you can communicate clearly and at the very least , try to find mutual agreement on where you are today, where you want to be in the future and whether you are both prepared to give each other the time and effort to reach the end goal together even if that means allowing each other the time and space now. Life is too short to loose it to unhappiness and you owe it to yourself to be happy!
This is really heartbreaking to read, I feel for you. We too have experienced lack of sex in our marriage (2-3 times per year) Mostly me turning down my husband after the birth of our youngest. My child was born prematurely, we all went through a lot of trauma and she continues to have ongoing medical problems. Sex and intimacy has been the last thing on my mind, my head has been so full of other stuff. It’s only now after 6 years that I’ve started to get my sex drive back.
Did your OH have any birth trauma or have there been any other significant things that have happened to cause a change in behaviour? I know some mothers can also feel like they don’t need anymore touching ie. they want personal space, after looking after children. Obviously I don’t know your situation so only speaking from personal experience. I used to find that dealing with children who need caring for and constant attention is overwhelming. In the evenings when I would eventually be able to chill out, the last thing I would want is for my husband to be also needing or wanting something from me ie. Sex. I know that sounds really horrible, but my batteries were literally running low all of the time.
As others have said, it would be good for you to both get some therapy. I certainly found it helpful. I’m about to start more therapy shortly, mostly due to the impact of covid on my mental health. The therapy would at least equip you both to start talking about what’s wrong. I hope things improve for you
I appreciate the help, but I’d imagine my wife would be disgusted if she caught me pleasuring myself. I once bought a pair of sexy mens underwear from LH in a red floral pattern. Got a few nice comments on the forum. Got laughed at by her for them not being very manly
@CurvyJilly all I can say is if someone made that effort for me, I’d be a happy man. I’m kind of similar, before we had our son we did do some vanilla stuff like full body massage with yoni massage, some light sensory deprivation stuff and even a couple of light tie and tease stuff but this was all initiated by me and she was never totally comfortable with any of it. All I ever want to do is pleasure her.
Now I barely make any effort as it gets me nowhere
@Scottishfunk, sorry to hear that mate. Ours stopped many years ago and will never come back, I gave up hope on sex/foreplay. it really gets to me when I hear and see other people enjoying sex/intimacy.
I don’t know if this fits your situation or not but my wife was on a ton of medication. She was depressed and had fibromyalgia, asthma, allergies and was prone to all kinds of lung issues.
I think the drugs for depression and fibromyalgia had a real impact on her nervous system to the point of never being able to have an orgasm.
She really was in a cycle of having to take the pain killers and then not being able to feel any pleasure.
If this is the case try talking to her doctor about the problem and try a new medication
My OH found my flashlight a while back! The scene she caused over it was on some other level! She called me disgusting, perverted, freak, sex pest just to name a few! Started saying things like how could I ever expect her to have sex with someone like me! I felt ashamed of myself as at the time I thought maybe she’s right! Made me swear to throw it away! Which I did but only into the back of the van at this point we’d already not had sex for about 3 1/2 years so to blame not being intimate because of this was crazy!
Yes I agree there is a lot to lose from straying but I’m starting to think it might be the way forward for me
@SteelA1 that’s why I keep my self pleasure toys to myself as I’m not sure how wife would react. But admit I’d be pretty annoyed if she reacted the way yours did. Bit of the, so you won’t pleasure me so I shouldn’t pleasure myself argument. Surely better than cheating
I suggest you tell her you need to get some sex toys to relieve the unbearable tension or you’ll go mad. You can keep them out of her sight, use them in another room and not discuss them. There’s always a chance curiosity will one day get the better of her.
@Scottishfunk I know how you feel. I spent 10 years in a marriage where he wasnt interested in me whatsoever. Id try and initiate sex and he would just ignore me or say he wasnt well. I lost any sense of me, my self worth and believed I was unattractive and unloved. I found out that he was speaking to other women online. I forgave him over and over again. Lockdown came and I had to change my life otherwise Im not sure where I would have been. I met someone else by chance who turned my life round. He has showed me what love and sex should be like. I left my husband and im the happiest ive ever been. You need to speak to your wife and address it. No one should make you that unhappy that it effects your mental health to the point you self harm. At times you have to be selfish and look after you. Life is too short honestly
Hi guys
I feel for you. 65yrs old coming up to 40yrs wed
You could count the times we have had sex in the last fifteen years in the teens
Even now when i try to insticate sex i know i am going to get rejected… so now i am at a point where i done even try… its what it is in my opinion a life wasted…
Hmm, I see it now more as a learning opportunity to free myself from dependence on others and enjoy my own body thoroughly. The preceding years of frustration only make it better.
Whilst everyone of course has the right to decide whether or not they personally want to have sex, I cannot understand how they think they have the right to refuse their partner a sex life. “I don’t want to have a sex life, so you can’t either.” How selfish is that?
Both partners need to talk. There needs to be a frank discussion about why there is no sex, and whether there is a realistic likelihood of there ever being sex in the future. If there is a possibility, both partners need to understand what blockers there may be, and work to remove them.
If one partner does not want to have sex, they have to understand what the effect of their unilateral decision is on their partner. Again, they have the right to make that decision, but every decision has consequences and effects. They need to consider that their partner (who presumably they still love) has needs. Then, they need to think about what options are acceptable to them which will enable their partner to fulfil those needs.
Frankly, in this situation there’s only two options other than accepting no sex, or the nuclear option: Toys or someone else. And if neither of those are ‘acceptable’ then the nuclear option is still there. What do they want more?
, buckets of hugs 
at this point we’d already not had sex for about 3 1/2 years so to blame not being intimate because of this was crazy!
