Hi all, new to posting but have been reading a lot (and purchasing) for a while. I've very recently met someone new. Our first date stated as drinks and 9 hours later he walked me home (perfect gentleman!) Now this weekend we had sex for the first time and he doesn't come across as 100% vanilla/plain at all but how do you think is the best way/time to raise kinks and introducing toys into the relationship? I did leave my red tie restraints on my bed but he hasn't commented on that (if he even noticed!) It's also been around 3 years since he last had sex so I don't want to end up scaring him off! Any hints or tips?
Hi Kt 132uk,
Welcome to the forums.
Toys are way more normalised and accepted than ever. I'd say most guys would assume you have likely tried or own a vibrator or dildo at least. People are all different but this is a pretty normal and an easier conversation than in the past. Depends on the toy a bit, and how comfortable you are with using it in front of him or him using it on you. As to kinks: This really depends on whether these are mild kinks where these wouldn't be a deal breaker, or approaching fetishes where you feel you need this particular thing for your emotional well-being. If it's the latter, I'd personally approach this in a softly, softly way. I'd maybe approach the subject early on to start to get it in the open, introducing this a bit at a time over several conversations.
There's some great advice on the subject of discussing fetishes and kinks, on Lovehoney's excellent Sexual Happiness podcast from a few weeks back (no.25):
https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/sexual-happiness-podcast/
My wife often dropped hints through leaving books on the bedside shelf or recommending them to me to read, and steering me towards certain films on a Saturday night, that reflected her tastes. Discussing 50 Shades of Grey, or some other stories, has sparked many a positive conversation on BDSM, for instance. You can always discuss general concepts in detail, while still maintaining an air of mystery over what you're personally into.
What you wear can also give clues about your desires and intentions. A corset or slave collar, to give just a couple of examples, can be suggestive of a certain lifestyle, while still not being totally explicit about your personal desires on domination/ submission or whatever.
Personally, acting on my kinks is less important than a fulfilling long term relationship. In your sutuation I'd concentrate on the romance and friendship first and foremost. Good communication, total trust, and very clear boundaries are essentials for lots of kinky play, where we sometimes open ourselves to being vulnerable emotionally as well as physically.
Have fun & stay safe :D
Hello and welcome, Kt132uk.
Excellent advice from Knottydevil - hope it helps.I'd take the last paragraph first, then the rest :-)
Good luck in your new relationship x
Also be aware that some (ok, many or even all) men don't necessarily respond to hints, we may not even pick up on a really strong hint, out and out blunt questions or statements are often most effective.
From there you can go the "have you ever tried....." or "in the past I've enjoyed......., how about you" or even "I'm really enjoying ........ but I think ...... could make it even better"
Positive reinforcement and make it about both parties getting something out of it
Thanks all, especially Knottydevil! I will try to keep this thread updated as to how it all pans out.
Hi Kt132uk I recently started a new relationship and I was sceptical about raising the issues of toys and kinks but as you grow to know more about each other it starts to become easier to talk about these things hope all goes well Ps I left a toy on my bedroom window which also helped to break the ice
Me and my partner talked alot about stuff while we drove to and from our dates. We waited about 3months before we had sex together.
SO I'd suggest just talking, the conversation will take a turn towards it at some point, or play a wee text game, the "Have you ever game" ask a question about normal things, drop a sex one in, normal for a few then another sex one. Worked for me in the past
good luck and maybe if you're wanting to keep them, maybe hold off a bit with the extreme ones, lol but it's your call at the end of the day
I did it via message, just asked directly do ya use toys and got the convo started from there. He never had so very vanilla if ya like but definitely changing that shall we say. I also sent videos I just found it easier then um face to face 😬😂
I often mention stuff that I did in the past while implying that it's not something i'm going to force on them. They often say they wouldn't mind when they're comfortable you're not trying to make them do anything.
I have always thought been open about things was always best, my partner had no idea about my kinks, and now we have a draw full of toys for both of our pleasure and cant get enough. Although been a man myself, do not at all pick up on hints, or clues.. has to be straight cut and to the point, thats then when the fun starts... but just dont full on at first, and test his waters as your progress.