Recommendations to learn to be dominant in bed

My wife has mentioned to me that she would like me to be more dominant during sex but for me it is something new. Could you please give me your advice on places or books where I can learn about the subject and have guidance.


But do you want to be more dominant in the bedroom? If you are only doing it for your wife, it will be an uphill battle.

However, if you are in to it or at least intrigued, there are lots of resources out there.

Fetlife is a social media site for kinky people that have lots of info as well as event listings, which should help you find any local or online classes.

The New Topping Book is great, but most 101 books will include some info.

Otherwise, you could ask your wife for some inspiration of who she thinks is dominant in a way she likes. I’d suggest keeping it to fictional characters or celebrities to start. Finding out what your wife finds hot and figuring out what you find hot are really important as there any many ways to be dominant, so you want to make sure you are on the same page.


Thank you very much for the information, and of course I want to do it, that is the reason why I want to learn.

Go or me there is nothing better than when my husband is a dom in the bedroom - but you need to discuss how far to go with her

Things to do - spanking her
Tell her to get on her knees and push your cock in her mouth
Bend her over and f**k her from behind
Rip her tights if she is wearing them to get to the goods
Pull her knickers aside to get access

But discuss first as you want fun - not a separation :lovehoney_heart:

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Watch the shades of grey films maybe for ideas :grin:

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@batjamboree I really appreciate your ideas, they seem quite interesting to me and it shows that you know what you are talking about.

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I was into BDSM before i met hubby and tried to introduce it fairly early on but he wasnt that interested. About 14 years on and i suggested it again and this time he jumped at it which was great as i always felt that i had lost a little bit of me.
We did lots of research. We watched alot of the LH you tube channel. We joined online talks, listened to podcasts and read alot of blogs.
Sunny megatron is an amazing kink educator and has a website. Depraved Eros has some interesting you tube videos and a patreon you can subscribe to if you want to see him scene with his long term partner. Its not porn, just lots of videos of their impact scenes. Pink Kink podcast is amazing and so educational. Dom sub living is a great resource website as well as is the husdom website.
We talked for hours about where the BDSM started and finished ie. Was it just in the bedroom or did we want it to extend into normal life, and if so to what extent. We talked about what we were comfortable with and not and created a spreadsheet of everything imaginable so we could could go back to it every so often as our likes and dislikes change as do our boundaries.
Communication, safety and consent are the biggest factors. Make sure you talk, talk and then talk some more. Have a safe word. Dont spring something new into a session without talking about it first as she may not like it but wont be in the right headspace to say no. If you’re not comfortable in doing something make sure you communicate it.
Good luck with your journey :blush:


Hello, @Kh1985 thank you for your advice and guidance, I would like to ask you one more question about what you mentioned, is it possible?

No problem at all. What would you like to ask? If i cant answer im sure one of the other members will be able too :blush:


I strongly recommend The Loving Dominant. It’s a little old fashioned, but it’s great for safety, aftercare etc. Also for ‘normalising’ BDSM as part of a loving relationship/marriage.

I do also run a BDSM education blog together with my husband, which I think I can share with you here and has loads of information on it that I hope will be of help to you. The address is . I hope it helps :slight_smile:


I think before you just become “dominant” you need to explore her thoughts and fantasies a bit more. If she likes the idea of fifty shades and Christian grey then you can make sure you have a safe word and then tease her with toys while she’s tied up or handcuffed. Use phrases like “your such a good girl” … “I’ll let you cum when I’m ready”. You can ready plenty of erotica online which is usually dominant heavy :sweat_smile:

But if she has other ideas, role play fantasies or maybe a little bit more intense such as degrading and CNC (consensual non consensual) it can be a very very different scenario. Personally I would start off with some basics such as hand cuffs and a blindfold and tease her, maybe use a wand until she’s almost at the point and stop one or twice before letting her reach the big O. Then when you start to get comfortable you can evolve. I think being here and asking questions is a great first step and huge kudos to you for taking the time


During the 14 years you spent without practicing BDSM, something about you was different, you felt limited or even the sexuality with your partner was less interesting or satisfying for you.

I just wasnt entirely me, especially in the bedroom. It wasnt that we had a bad sex life. I have never been left unfulfilled. It was just that i craved more. We still often just have ‘vanilla’ sex. Our daily lives are busy and we have kids in the house, so whips and chains arent always an option, but its great knowing that its something thats there when we have the oppurtunity.
We tried to extend it slightly into everyday life but just wasnt possible with our schedules and a very curious older teen who noticed as soon as we changed, even though it was so subtle, so thats something that will be left until we have no more kids at home which we are both fine with.
BDSM can be as little or as much as you want it to be. It can be a silky blinfold with some lace wrist cuffs or it can be rough impact, fantasy roleplaying, consensual not consent scenes etc. Its customisable. Kink by definition (in a sexual sense) is non normative sexual behaviour and it varies for everyone. Something that you consider a kink activity, i may not as its the norm in my bedroom and vice versa. It also doesnt have to involve sex. When we scene, the actual act of sex may not happen as part of the scene itself and is regularly left till the end once im out of restraints. It can bring me back into the moment as it is generally sensual and loving. Then he will clean up and give me any aftercare that i require.
I strongly suggest research and communication before embarking on anything though. Make sure youre both singing off the same hymn sheet like @LIL_KNOWN69 suggests also.
Hope that helps :slightly_smiling_face:

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Not sure this is something you can learn from a book!
I think you need to talk to your wife about what she means by “more dominant”.
Does she mean that she wants you, instead of asking nicely, to tell her to get on her back and part her legs so you can get inside, or does she want to be tied up so you’re in complete control?