Relationship advice ? Bf oral problems

So I’ve been with my so three years the sex is okay never great but itlll do but he never seems to want to do oral he’ll accept but never give , same as foreplay he doesn’t wanna try anything adventurous or Toys etc what do I do ??
I’ve tried discussing it with him and he gives the same response “ yeh I’ll try it “ and never does - any advice ? Thanks in advance :slight_smile:

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I think you need to ask him why he is reluctant to try these things. Until you know why, it’s hard to be able to change anything.

He could feel nervous about performing certain acts, worrying that he might not be any good at them. Or he might feel that he might get replaced by toys. Or that trying a few things might open the floodgates and he’ll find himself in a situation he doesn’t want to be in. If it is any of these things, reassurance and guidance is all you can really do.

He could have issues with association in regards to certain acts, such as if you need toys then he isn’t doing a good enough job or that oral sex is “dirty” (the wrong kind of dirty). Or maybe he has had bad experiences in the past. In which case he needs to work through those.

He could just be perfectly happy with your sex life as it is and, if that’s the case, it may be difficult (or at least slow) to change.

He could also just not be into the things you are suggesting. Not everyone is into every kind of sex (even ones that are considered “normal”). If that’s the case, there isn’t much you can do.

Basically, keep talking with him

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I’d rather him be open with me when I try talk I talk to him although I’m nervous with this topic with him , he’s given me oral twice since we’ve been together so he’s not got an issue he used to tell me all the time he wanted to do it

The toys I’m not too fussed about I just thought it would spice things up a bit as we always end up skipping foreplay straight to sex and that’s that he’s never made me finish so I thought toys might help us a little but he doesn’t want to talk about those either it seems when I try talk to him he says yeh whatever you want , I’m always unsatisfied so trying to change things a little so we’re both finished and happy rather than me feeling unhappy and him falling asleep

I would never make him do anything he doesn’t want to do or isn’t comfortable with ever , and I if he didn’t wanna try I wouldn’t make him , If he wasn’t into the same things I wish he would talk to me

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Hello and welcome to the forum @Tks2021! I think the way you say “the sex is okay never great but it’ll do” speaks volumes. You are worthy of pleasurable sex. This will be different for everyone, and more important to some than it is others.

Given you’ve tried to bring it up before, I’d say you probably need to be a little more direct in your communication with him. It’s so hard to try and frame “you’re not satisfying me” in a positive way that helps you move forward, but it can be done. Does he know that he’s not made you orgasm before? Are you able to during solo-play?

Since you’ve discussed it with him and he’s said he’s okay with it, could you just try using a small toy during sex? For example, have it near so when you are having sex you can get it easily and say “can I use this today”. I’d suggest using it on yourself during (for example a bullet or smaller wand/Vibrator during penetrative sex) so that it doesn’t put all the pressure on him. This will give him an opportunity to watch how you use it and what you like and will hopefully gradually move towards you both being involved.

For oral, once you’ve communicated and are sure he’s okay with it and wants to do it etc, then again I’d suggest being more direct during sex. Saying something like “I’d love it if you went down on me right now”. This can be really hard if you’ve not done it before, and can take a lot of confidence to do so, but having open communication during sex will open things up so much.

Ultimately, if you do try and communicate and things don’t change or he doesn’t want to do certain things, then you have to decide whether it’s a non-negotiable for you and be honest with him about this.

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Does he know he isn’t making you finish? I know it sounds obvious but sometimes partners (and sorry but men in particular) don’t always know. There is also a lot of people who have grown up with the rhetoric that sex is for men’s enjoyment and women put up with it/don’t get much from it. Add in norms about “sex = penetration” and porn stars who appear to orgasm from the slightest touch, it may be that he just doesn’t quite understand what you need and want, particularly if you are nervous about talking about it.

Picking your moment to have these discussions is important too and giving him some time to process.

Alternatively, why not look at games? Even something as simple as the dice Lovehoney sell might be worth a shot.

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It’s definitely worth a good chat. While it’s good that you want him to know what you want, it’d be better to understand the reasons why he doesn’t feel comfortable giving. It might be that he is nervous and doesn’t know what to do.

Worst case here is that he just doesn’t want to do it, but then you haven’t lost anything and you know where you stand.

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I’ve tried so many times to have discussions and he’ll say whatever you want yet when we’re together he doesn’t do any of the things we’ve discussed nor does he think to try things himself it’s always the same

I find it hard to communicate as I’m not a very confident person so even having these conversations on the side is hard for me I think it would be even harder during sex or to ask for what I wanted during I think I could ask for what I wanted indirectly during as he’s done so before to me and I’ve once or twice

Though the toys he says yes I buy them and then nothing happens with them I don’t know if he’s scared of them or worried about them I don’t know but I’m a little too embarrassed to show them to him on myself of how to use them with me

I don’t know if he finds things non negotiable I’ll have to find out

I dont know whether he knows but I never react but he never seems to notice that , he always does and that’s the end of that , I know I’m not making things easy here by being nervous and not telling him I’ve just never been confident enough to tell people what I want I guess I just expect to talk about stuff and when we do that he’ll do it next time
He doesn’t want to dirty talk anymore on text etc so that’s a struggle too to actually figure out what he likes cause he’s never told me

I always try pick a time when neither of us is busy and we have time to have a lengthy ( If needed - pardon the pun ) I’d needed

I understand that he’s done some stuff before such as oral etc so I don’t understand why he doesn’t do it now when he likes to receive etc

And what do I do if he doesn’t ?

If you are struggling to properly explain what you want and that it is important to you that things change, have you considered writing it down for him? You can text it, email it or use pen and paper, whatever works for you.

Tell him that you aren’t getting as much pleasure from sex as you would like and that needs to change.

Describe how you would like sex to be. Don’t use vague words like “foreplay” or “toys”. Be as specific as you can be. Tell him you want to spend more time undressing each other or kissing or that you want other body parts kissed (and which body parts), that you want him to cup your boobs, play with your nipples, rub your clit, put his fingers inside you, go down on you, use this specific toy on your clit/inside you. Tell him how slow or fast, constant speed or vary the tempo, tell him how much pressure, whether or not to squeeze/suck, what kind of motion to use (circular, up and down, whatever). Tell him how long to do these things for, not necessarily by giving times but by describing reactions (like until you have goosebumps or are moaning in a certain way or are begging him to go on, or touching him in a certain way). Basically whatever it is you want him to do and how you want him to do it.

Include what you want to do to him as well in the same detail.

And make sure it says that you want him to take the initiative to do these things.

It doesn’t have to be some huge long essay, it doesn’t have to include every act you or anyone could ever want. It isn’t supposed to be a porn worthy scenario, just what you want from “normal” regular sex.

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As your boyfriend’s agreed to you buying toys and knows you have them, I’d suggest you start to use them on yourself where he might or can see. Maybe start by saying you need so many minutes alone with a toy to warm up before sex and work up to the point where he walks in while you’re still using it. Most men would find this extremely exciting. I understand the embarrassment; I only got my wife to use vibrators by first rubbing them on myself in front of her. It is a difficult step but is well worth it and a little embarrassment can actually be a bit of a turn on in itself.

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Not much I can add here as you have been given some fab advice. All I will say as somebody who has been in a similar situation before is a little bit of embarrassment talking about what you want is a lot less painful than a potential lifetime of unsatisfying sex. Sex isn’t the be all and end all but it is an important part of a relationship, overtime you will likely start resenting your partner for their lack of willing.

You deserve pleasure, go get it :slight_smile:

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Long story short: he’s a lazy, selfish **** and you deserve better!

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I totally agree with @meganep also agree with the other comments. Like other people have said, maybe look to get a toy and use it yourself for a while or in front of your OH. Or maybe send him some sexy txts and pictures of yourself and a toy maybe? If he doesn’t like that, my god. Nothing sexier!

Also I can’t understand why he won’t give oral, it’s the best! I could give oral all day lol.

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Good post and good question. I’ll chip in.

This could be for a number of reasons (nervous, self conscious, feels silly, doesn’t stimulate him, etc etc) but I think you need sit down and talk openly. Does he know what you think your sex life is only average? He might think it is good, he might feel the same?

I’m not sure how sexually open you are with each other and how easy these conversations are but I would suggest before you dive into experimenting you are comfortable talking about it. If he is comfortable, get rid of the stigma, open the love honey website and have a good laugh at the different things together - trust me.

For example, my partner and I are completely open with what does (and doesn’t) work and talk all the time about our sex life. Trying new things doesn’t become a big issue (unless it’s New Year’s Eve - that’s a different story :wink:).

Good luck.

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It seems as @PleasureDrone said he’s lazy and selfish. He says what you want to hear, then never backs it up. Some people lack imagination and the ability to empathise with others, he can’t seem to realise that you need reciprocal pleasure. As others have said, you need to talk seriously about what YOU need, as any relationship is a two way street. Maybe writing your feelings and needs down will be easier for you than saying it, at least then he will have it in black and white.

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I find a great way for a couple to show each other what they like is to watch each other masturbate. That way you can see exactly where their buttons are and what gets them off. Then during foreplay, oral, or any other fun time activity you both get to enjoy the intimacy and sensuality more :grin:

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Hi @Tks2021! You’re situation sounds very much like mine was for many years and still is to a certain extent.

If you are really struggling to talk to him about this due to your embarrassment and his lack of response, you could try talking to a counsellor. There are a lot of couples / relationship counsellors who can help with these sorts of issues.

I got to the point where I actually moved out (in fact I did this a few times) and he still didn’t try to change, it was like a continuous cycle of promises to try and then nothing changing. Counselling gave us a safe place to talk about these things and someone to help guide the conversation and reduce the embarrassment we were both feeling.

Lots of people kept telling me that I should leave him but what no one understood was that I didn’t want to because I loved him and couldn’t see my life without him.

I’m not going to say that things are perfect now but they are at least changing and it will probably be a slow journey.

I guess you need to think about whether you really want to stay together or not, if you do, then you really need work out how to change things so that you are also satisfied, otherwise resentment will just grow and you could end up more hurt in the future if you decide to end the relationship at a later stage.

I really hope you manage to work through this and come to a decision that is right for you.

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Very good point, it’s easy for people to say leave but when you love someone it’s not as easy as that!

Have a chat about it and see what you both have to say, because it’s selfish from him being relieved all the time how he likes it. You need to have that feeling too of being satisfied!

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I’m glad you see the view point that I do I sometimes wonder if it’s just me being silly that he gets to finish and I don’t , but I can’t just leave him either I love him and want to figure this out , he just doesn’t seem to wanna talk about it he says we’ll figure it out and then yeh nothing but he seems
Happy with our sex life :confused: so who knows