Review Hall of Fame

[Ian_Chimp]

by @BashfulBabe, 03 Sep 2010
Seven Seas Waterproof Double Stimulator Rabbit Vibrator

Lucky (double) dip

I was lucky enough to get this in my Grab Bag, ending months of debate over which rabbit to choose. I was a rabbit virgin, but from many a night spent juggling various combinations of toys, I knew I’d prefer something with a little anal stimulation, and probably something more direct than the usual flippity rabbit ears. Plus, being a bit of a shorty, I did find I’d often have trouble with any clitoral stimulators not quite reaching. I had been humming and hawing over a few, including this one, and was just too wary of the expense should it all go horribly wrong. So, Grab Bag Day™ came, and seeing this as only a quarter of my haul made the decision for me.

The packaging is very understated, no over-enthusiastic semi-naked chicks writhing about for no apparent reason, just minimalistic with some bubbly decorations and a straight-forward description of the features, settings and batteries.

The vibe itself looks very non-threatening. It’s relatively small - still big enough, just no danger of it being too long to allow the not-a-bunny to hit my clit - and the jelly even looks squishy and easily manipulated. While it is indeed quite soft and pliable, it’s pretty solid, so no danger of it squirming away like a little squirmy thing. The control panel is also rather easy to figure out, and the packaging explains the indicator lights (red and orange, depending on strength), so there’s no fear of confusion there. Ditto for the batteries, which slot into the labelled cartridge easily and with no slippage. One thing I didn’t like was the way the battery pack sealed in. It states that it’s waterproof (and having taken it adventuring under water with me and had no trouble, I won’t dispute that!), but it’s sealed by a rubber ring that, when fully closed, isn’t obvious from the outside, so there appears to be a gap between the cap and control pad. There’s not, the ring is in there, and if you have a spare fingernail you can poke in and check that it is indeed totally watertight, but from a visual perspective it can be unnerving. I’ve gotten used to it now, and can tell the difference between its pretend-gap and real-gap, but it did put me off taking it for splash time for a day or two. Definitely nothing to worry about, just might take some ‘getting to know you’ time before you feel ready to trust it.

The shaft:

Not as long or thick as some other toys, it’s a pretty realistic size, closer to the length and girth of an actual penis (but without the garish ‘flesh’ tones that generally come with the so-called realistic toys, so much better!). The head wibbles around in a way that is pronounced enough to feel, and combined with the beads which rumble away nicely at three different speeds - controlled with the cunningly labelled “up/on” and “down/off” buttons - and with the option to change directions in case you get bored of the same old clockwise shuffle, there’s a lot of stimulation from something that doesn’t seem to have all that much on the power front. An added bonus is that, since the material spreads the vibes from the bullet so well, you get a little trembling echo of a vibe through the lower part of the shaft as well. Nothing crazy, but enough to make sure that there’s a little bit happening at every bit. It also has ripples along the shaft, which are rather enjoyable when a little thrusting is on the menu. Where it did fail (probably because of that limited power) was that a strong enough clench can slow or even jam it. This doesn’t cause much trouble if it only happens towards the end (ahem!), and doesn’t seem to harm it, but if you’re freakishly muscular down there, you may need something with more of a kick to keep up with you.

The clit hummer:

I know it’s meant to be a sea-horse, but I keep seeing a meerkat (Aleksandr would be very put out!). Doesn’t make a difference, I suppose, but just thought I’d share. Although it would explain the tail…

Anyway, again, the rubber is lovely and squishy, meaning you can play with the rabbit as a whole without worrying that you’re going to stab yourself in bits that don’t really like being stabbed. Well, less so than other bits. The bullet is fairly powerful. Obviously it’s no RO-80, but I like my vibes strong and this does the job, so while I’d like it to be maybe a touch stronger myself, it’s certainly above the average. As I mentioned, it’s more focused than the usual rabbit ears, so the vibrations are localised wherever you decide to point them. The three speeds cover quite a range, with the lowest being decidedly gentle and the top hard enough to make the thing rather noisy. I’m a fan of the patterns - one escalating, two steady pulses (slow and fast) and one varied pulse - but they all tend towards the higher end of the strength scale, so that might be something to watch for if you find stronger vibes a problem.

The anal tickler:

The vibes from the bullet travel along the meerkat’s tail amazingly, so there’s a constant tingle all the way to the tip. It’s rather bubbly, so while it’s a little small to be the same as anal beads, the constant rippling of width is certainly pleasurable. I’ll admit, I was a bit prejudiced at the start: it just seemed so short and thin, I wasn’t sure it would do much good. How wrong I was! It’s not the same as having a second full-sized toy, but it definitely enhances things for the seasoned bum-love-lover. I’d say with the size and flexibility of it - it’s completely pliable, you could even slip it out of the way without having unpleasant proddings if you decided not to use it - that someone totally inexperienced in such pleasures could give it a shot. The majority of it is slimmer than my pinky finger, and even at the base if you decide to go that far it’s still barely wider than my index. It’s also only slightly longer than a finger, so you’d be hard pushed to find a less threatening bum chum. Personally, I would like something a little larger, but it provides enough sensation to make sure all my location-based boxes are ticked, so I’ll go to bed happy with the wee fella.

The battery life is OK, not amazing though, possibly because three widdly AAAs are hard worked to provide anything near decent power. I find three sessions are all I can get out of a set before it starts to noticeably slow. Definitely not something I’d be concerned about, and at least they’re a readily available size. Do go for the Duracell though: I thought people were just talking with their product-placement hats on at first, but it is true, the quality makes a difference, and when I used a set of other branded batteries in this, it was rather half-hearted and died after only one go. Definitely worth getting the better ones from the outset. Which, by the way, you do need to think about, since as it says there are no batteries included.

It is a far cry from silent, so if your playtime needs to be ninja-like, I don’t think this will cut it. However, from what I know of rabbits in general, it’s among the quieter of the beaded bunch. I can’t see anything with the rotating beads being super stealthy, but from the shaft, that’s the main source of noise, along with a very demure hum from the motor, so it’s minimal. The bullet is another story: on the lower two settings, it’s a negligible buzz, but on the highest and pattern modes, it can scream a little. The noise is softened if the nose is pressed hard against you, but if it gets pulled away, or you have it only lightly touching, it’ll definitely make its presence known.

For the few little niggles, I love it. I still can’t get over my luck in getting it along with three other toys all for £25. I do think there could be a better suited rabbit out there for me, but certainly not in this price range, and I cannot put it down, so I would recommend it to anyone tempted to try something like this out.

Overall Rating: 9 out of 10 stars

Pros: Not pink, squidgy, solid instead of flippity ears, good bullet power, perfect size.

Cons: Base joint looks dodgier than it is, bullet’s noisy, shaft can jam.

Bottom Line: Much better than expected for the price, non-threatening and certainly does the trick.

[Ian_Chimp]

by @masterandslave, 16 Sep 2010
Bijoux Flamboyant Vajazzling Body Jewellery

Delicate dazzlers!

I have had several single use items from the Bijoux brand before and have always loved their mix of intrigue, style and a fun but naughty twist! This set as usual is packaged absolutely beautifully, it arrives in a subtle cardboard sleeve. In looks it is reminiscent of a very expensive cocktail menu; in black and red with a subtle gloss effect flora and fauna pattern (psst! If you look very, very closely and you will see some handcuffs and some willies amongst the butterflies and vines).

The sleeve opens three fold and whilst it does confront you with a subtle photo of a mannequin modeling, it does continue its subtle styling. One downpoint this does bring is that it suffers slightly by not having any directions, it left me with a few questions unanswered. Is this made for more than one use? Does the stickiness come back if I wash it? Can I buy replacement sticky lines?

Well I can answer those now; I have managed to get two uses from mine before the tackiness had completely worn off, washing the backing will not bring back any stickiness and as far as I can tell the sticking section is not sold separately which seems a bit of a waste to throw out the stones - they’re too twinkly for the wheely bin!

I actually found the instructions when I came to recycle the packaging! The top flap that lifts upwards actually has the instructions inside. You need to lift the flap and pull the glue apart, the only extra information I found was that these are meant for a single use and with thanks to Lovehoney’s Alice that the small circle is for a test patch, to check that you do not have any allergic reaction to the product. Which alone is a great idea but they need to make that much clearer! All this needs is a “lift here” or something to direct you to find the hidden instructions!

I have the blue/green set and the thing that struck me most about the design was the Bollywood feel that these give. They also feel very intricate especially given the fact that the packaging is so subtle. These really appeal to me because I’m too chicken to get my bits pierced but they are areas I have always wanted to adorn! I was in two minds whether to show these to my other half before using them or to unveil these at the oppertune moment. Always go for the latter! My other half was mesmerized and intrigued as they caught the light. He had never seen anything like these before and couldn’t take his eyes or hands off them!

A quick word of warning - you need to be very careful when removing these from the plastic backing - especially if you have long nails you can easily accidentally get a nail between the coloured stone and the clear tape, inadvertently taking off the stone. The best way I found was to bend the plastic backing making the edges come off of their own accord. Remove it very gently and slowly, the stones and tape on the extremities can easily pull off. It sticks on by a fine webbing of clear tape which is extremely subtle and not very noticeable at all. I was expecting each stone to be on a separate dot of tape to be reassembled on the body, to my relief they are all pre attached arranged beautifully in the design. Please be just as careful when removing these from the body to keep it in one piece, plus the first time you take these off it may be a little painful as the glue has held on well!

After two uses we found that they began to go tacky and loose all the necessary sticking power. So much so that the last time I used these they began to crease and crinkle as my nipples became hard, to the point that they fell off as I was just getting underway!

I have used the Bijoux Nipple Jewellery before but the merkin was completely new to me. It goes without saying to make sure that the area is smooth and hair free before use. I would also suggest avoiding any positions that usually stimulate your clitoris. I found that the design ended just above mine so it rubbed on my parter quite a bit when I was on top. If you use positions where the lady clamps her legs together this could also end up rubbing or even catching the tape on your partner! Saying all this it is a great addition to our bedroom. I have worn the nipple set and merkin together as well as separately and they certainly brought some extra attention to the areas that crave it most!

The extra little circle as seen on the bottom right of the product image does seem a little superfluous unless you have a third nipple you want to make a feature of! It is just a bit too small to use to surround your belly button and the stones are a slightly different size to those surrounding the nipple so couldn’t easily be used as a replacement either. However you could use it as per Hella’s stunning midriff in combination with the merkin, you can let your imagination go!

Overall Rating: 8 out of 10 stars

Pros: Never seen anything like it! Great fun your partner wont be expecting.

Cons: Could be made for more uses, or replacement tape available?

Bottom Line: Gorgeous different item that catches the light and twinkles beautifully!

[Ian_Chimp]

by @titania, 17 Sep 2010
Sinclair Institute Select Crytal G CyberGlass Dildo

Lovely, lovely, lovely…

My initial impressions of this glass G-spot wand were: pretty box, hmm, takes a bit of getting into (wrestle, wrestle), ooooh, beautiful product, feels lovely, perhaps a bit smaller than I expected, mmmm, can’t wait to have a go with this…

Some time later (somewhat groggily, having recovered from incredible, mind-blowing orgasm): well, wow, that was, erm, something else, phew, what an absolutely marvellous thing, and just look at it, isn’t it lovely?! Swoon, perhaps just one more go…

Packaging

This product arrives subtly packaged in an attractive white cardboard box with silver text and a wavy cutout on the front through which a tantalising glimpse of it can be seen. The front of the box folds up to reveal the product encased in formed clear plastic. Its a bit of a faff to get at as you have to remove the plastic from the box, get the lid off and prise it out. However, it’s definitely not going to break in transit, which lets face it would be a terrible let down!

There’s nothing tacky about the packaging, it’s the sort of thing you might expect to get a ladies electric razor or suchlike in, therefore its definitely suitable as a gift. In addition, there is a little card tucked down the side of the box with information on ‘How to find your G-spot’ which is no doubt useful for anyone who has never used a toy like this before.

Build Quality

The product itself I feel has a more luxurious appearance than the packaging. It consists of a slim semi-circle of glass which has a sphere at the base, two protrusions in the middle and a curved tip. It is etched with a leafy, green design which spirals round from the one end to the other. I suspect that without this the lumpy shape might not be very attractive but I absolutely love the etching - I cannot stress this enough, it genuinely enhances the shape and the two things complement each other to make a truly delightful object. Not sure I’d get away with using it as a paperweight though!

Use

The box recommends: for maximum pleasure, use a generous supply of lubricant with this product. As I tend to be a bit dry I wasn’t about to ignore this advice and with glass you can use any lubricant you like, within reason! Glass becomes exceptionally slippery with lube and being slim (max diameter 1") it slips in really easily. Initially it feels pleasantly cool although it warms to body temperature during play.

I hadn’t had much luck with G-spot toys before this one. I know I have a G-spot as we’ve hit it during sex and its been pretty obvious, although a bit hit and miss. I was hoping with a toy I might be able to have more consistent G-spot orgasms but I’d tried a few G-spot vibrators and struggled to hit the spot. The greatest success was a plastic anal wand quite similar in shape to this one but it still didn’t match up to the sex orgasms.

However, all that changed with the arrival of this wonderful toy. Hooray! I found that gentle movements with it fully inserted led to a gradual buildup which was extremely pleasurable in itself and eventually resulted in an incredible orgasm. I’m not quite sure what made the difference. There is an element with G-spot toys of the size being right for you. However, I do think that the slim size of this toy helps as there’s more room for manoeuvre and variation. Circular movements are definitely to be recommended! What more can I say.

Cleaning

As with any glass toy, this item is extremely easy to clean. According to the box:

• Wash after each use with liquid anti-bacterial soap and water.

• Pat dry with a soft, cotton towel and allow to air dry completely.

• CyberGlass can be boiled or placed on the top rack of the dishwasher (perhaps not with kids in the house?).

Verdict

As you can probably tell if you’ve got this far I really love this dildo. It’s bloody fantastic. Seriously, try one. You know you want to!

Overall Rating: 10 out of 10 stars

Pros: Looks beautiful, feels great, hits the spot like nothing else has.

Cons: Nothing.

Bottom Line: Surprising, in the best possible way.

[Ian_Chimp]

by @Tupperwareheart, 23 Sep 2010
Wet and Wild Waterproof Clitoral Dolphin Vibrator

Fintastic Fun!

First impressions of the Wet and Wild Dolphin are just how adorable it looks! I know, you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover but seriously, look at it! Now you, like me might see how small and cute it is and immediately assume it’s going to be a bit of gimmick with those tinny, shallow vibrations we all know and hate. I promise you, you’ll be very pleasantly surprised because this baby offers so much for so little expense. Anyway, on to the in depth review.

Packaging:

When you eagerly tear through the discreet Lovehoney wrapping with your teeth, (wait, is that just me?) you’ll be greeted by a lightweight plastic box. It’s brightly coloured with pretty dolphin design and twirly details. No tacky pictures of a naked woman getting it on with her finned friend here, the packaging is completely innocent and perfectly girly. For this reason, and the unthreatening design of the whole product it’d make an ideal gift for a girl friend, nervous vibe-virgin or an innocuous treat to leave lying in the bathroom. It doesn’t come with batteries so you’ll need to add those to your basket before you checkout. This vibe takes 2 AAA batteries, hurrah no more scouring the internet for fiddly watch batteries!

What’s in The Box?

A dolphin vibrator and remote control connected by a wire, sitting snugly in their plastic insert.

A small instruction booklet with the usual warnings and some very strange picture diagrams showing you how to insert the batteries. This looked a bit like something you’d find in an Ikea flat pack manual, so I decided to go it alone and abandon the instructions in case I ended up with a wardrobe rather than a vibrator at the end of it.

The remote control is made of a smooth plastic, it’s very pleasing to the touch and fits nicely into the palm of your hand so is very easy to hold. I particularly liked the fact there were just 2 simple buttons on this remote, a plus and a minus. They were very easy to click as well, even with slippery lubed hands, so bonus points for the toy there.

There’s plenty of wire too, so perfect for handing to your partner next to you and let them tease and tantalise you. Unless of course they stop the vibrations right at the crucial point and leave you plotting your revenge, that is…

The wire is plasticky but felt very durable when I gave it a few tugs, so it shouldn’t snap when you’re halfway through your fun.

The dolphin is nothing short of gorgeous, in a lovely light blue colour to match the remote and made of a firm but flexible skin safe rubber. Three cheers for Wet and Wild for creating a latex and phthalates free toy, this makes my pussy and I very happy.

The body of the vibe is rigid and holds a small but chunky silver bullet inside. This was wedged quite firmly in place so I didn’t attempt to fish it out but I’m sure if for some reason you found the rubber body not to your taste removal of the bullet would be possible.

The adorable bottlenose has a little more flexibility, particularly when gentle pressure is applied, making it absolutely ideal for intense clitoral stimulation. Our finned friend’s tail is much more soft and pliable, I couldn’t put it down once I’d felt it! It moves and flicks around with even the gentlest brush of fingers making it brilliant for a much lighter touch.

The entire vibrator almost fits in the palm of my hand, it really is a great sized toy and the shape means it hugs the curve of your body perfectly. It means you can happily nuzzle the dolphin nose to your clit and let the tail lap at the entrance to your pussy (or the other way around) for a little added stimulation.

The product has a slight rubbery new smell but nothing overly offensive or that a good dose of lube wouldn’t fix.

This vibrator comes with four speed settings, which is great for a toy this reasonable. A feature which I went crazy for were the little red LED lights telling you which speed you had selected, maybe that’s just the geek in me but these sorts of features are usually reserved for a higher end toy and in my opinion it gave an added touch of class to the vibe.

Lowest Setting:

The vibrations are incredibly strong in the nose end already (where the bullet is situated) - this is one powerful little bullet! Even on this lowest setting the nose end provides excellent stimulation for the clit or the sensitive nerve endings around your pussy opening.

There wasn’t much in the way of vibrations in the tail yet, mostly fluttering from the motion of the nose. But when I let the tail flutter against my clit, the sensation was barely there but it felt very much like licking!

Another huge plus of this vibe is that it’s almost completely silent, especially on this setting. Personally I value being able to hide my orgasm seeking ways from the rest of my house and this is one of the quietest vibrators I’ve come across! Er, pun thoroughly intended?

Second Setting:

Here the vibrations in the nose are as strong as the top settings on more expensive bullets. Yet this little beauty was only on its middle setting and already sheet clenchingly, back archingly good!

I still wasn’t feeling much in the tail though, you may find you need to crank up the power to feel it.

Third Setting:

Now the tail has something to say! Light, gentle licking sensations against the clit = heavenly. The cool material texture of tail felt amazing against the area too.

The vibe was getting a little louder at this stage, but still undetectable through a closed door. The power in the nose end of the dolphin was unbelievable.

Fourth Setting:

Hello aquatic orgasm!

Both the tail and nose really come into play here. The vibrations in the nose are mind blowing, making it amazing for precise clit stimulation. This combined with the gentle flicking motions of the tail were enough to make me explode in my happy place.

Underwater Testing:

OK, this works incredibly well. The tail really comes to life in water for a wet, cool tingling licking sensation. The product works perfectly in water as long as the seal in the cap is tight. Grab this cutie and head for the shower, now!

So What Did I Think?:

This vibe is a great all rounder and makes an excellent alternative to your usual bullets. It combines pretty girlyness with amazing deep quality, yet quiet vibrations. The nose has the ability to deliver intense clitoral orgasms. The tail is more gentle with a licky/flicky feel which is perfect for teasing and foreplay with a partner, It’s also a great choice for those who find bullets give too strong or pinpointed stimulation because it offers gentle flicking sensations brushing over the clitoris.

But this bundle of buzzy joy isn’t just good for your clit, holding it against your nipples on higher settings is amazing. Personally I’m not usually one for nipple toys, I’m more prone to respond with an ‘ow’ or ‘oh is that it?’ rather than an‘oooh’ but I love the gentle flicking sensations of the tail.

The nose and tail are amazing to use together, just hold the nose where you prefer the most stimulation and let the tail carry you over the edge.

As some of the tingling vibration spreads across the whole body of the toy it also makes it ideal for male teasing as well. With the nose nuzzling against the tip of the penis it leaves the tail to flick tantalisingly lower down.

Appearances are certainly deceptive with this adorable, dinky toy. Despite its reasonable price and size it more than pulls its weight and has well and truly earned its place in my toy box.

Overall Rating: 8 out of 10 stars

Pros: Quietness, intensity of vibrations, waterproof, cute design.

Cons: The tail could definitely have had stronger vibrations, fiddly screw cap. That’s it!

Bottom Line: An amazing little toy, a perfect gift or bullet alternative.

[Ian_Chimp]

by @intentionless, 13 Oct 2010
Tracey Cox Supersex Stroker

Extra work, no extra reward

This was my first ever stroker. I used it alone and I have to say, I’m not sure it’s my kind of toy. As pleasant as the feeling was, a big part of me thought, “is this really any better than using my hand?”.

The upside is that it’s versatile, easy to clean and even easier to use. Both textures feel quite nice and I imagine when used by a couple it’d be far better.

The downside, though, is that without a realistic feel like that offered by a Fleshlight, I’m not sure I get the point of a masturbator like this. It’s a cute little thing but it’s not exactly erotic to look at like a realistic fake vagina might be. And while the feeling of the sleeve is nice, I wouldn’t say it feels so good that it justifies the fuss of having to use lube and clean up after etc. After all, if there’s one thing I have mastered in my lifetime thus far, it’s the skill of masturbating successfully without the need for any bells and whistles. For me a toy should take you to a new level entirely or it’s not really worth it. This didn’t even get close to doing that.

Considering the price, though, I’m not overly disappointed. To paraphrase Woody Allen, “even my worst orgasm was right on the money”. It’s just not a toy I’ll be rushing to use again. My right hand, I’m afraid, remains ten times the Super Stroker this could ever be.

Overall Rating: 5 out of 10 stars

Pros: Choice of texture, brilliantly easy to clean.

Cons: Not sexy to look at, not a game-changer.

Bottom Line: For solo use, probably not worth the fuss.

---

by @intentionless, 31 Oct 2010
Jenna Haze Fleshlight

Jenna Haze Fleshlight is a real game-changer

What I’ve always believed about sex toys, especially the more expensive ones, is that to justify the expense and effort they often demand, they need to take things to a new level. And so with male masturbators I’ve always been extra sceptical. For the most part they’re less effective than your hand, and yet they still have the nerve to demand more in terms of storage and clean-up. It’s a trade-off that has never seemed worth making. Thanks to the Fleshlight, though, I think my attitude towards male masturbators has now changed forever.

Using the Fleshlight for the first time is what I imagine women must experience the first time they use a vibrator (or at least as close as we can get to that). It’s masturbation as you know it, but on a whole new level. A toy that not only enhances your experience, but creates a new one; something much closer to sex than most male masturbators could ever dream of. Warm it up, lube it up and go: whether you choose to use it with your hand or, as I do, by securing it somewhere and thrusting into it, you’re sure to have a good experience.

The only downside I’ve noticed is that, although cleaning is very simple (remove sleeve, run water through it), drying can be a little laborious - especially if you’re not in a position to leave your Fleshlight out where it can be seen. Air drying probably works best, but if you’re eager to put it away quickly, you can use a towel or handkerchief to get into the different folds and it should be fine.

Overall, I couldn’t be happier with it. And while I can’t speak about how the Lotus sleeve compares with other Fleshlight models, I can say I’m now very curious to find out. If other Fleshlight products feel as good as this, it’s no wonder they’ve become the world’s most popular male sex toy.

Overall Rating: 10 out of 10 stars

Pros: It’s such a distinct, but equally fantastic, sensation from normal masturbation.

Cons: Drying’s not the easiest if you need to be discreet.

Bottom Line: Far beyond what I’d imagined. An excellent toy well worth the investment.

[Ian_Chimp]

by @Kitty_McPlunder, 10 Oct 2010
Bondage Boutique Leather Blindfold and Paddle with Heart Shapes

Gorgeous Quality!

I got this as part of a goodie pack for winning the caption contest, and while each part was fun, this was my favourite thing I received in my box!

Starting with the blindfold; I had looked at this set on Lovehoney before, and I’d convinced myself that the blindfold looked way too small and stiff to be of any use, but boy was I wrong! It is made of the softest, most supple deep pink leather I have ever felt, and the side that touches the skin is a soft black suede. The smell of the genuine leather and suede was one of the first things I noticed when I took it out of its simple clear plastic bag packaging, the scent is intoxicating and makes the experience all the more enjoyable and authentic feeling.

The blindfold is secured at the back of the head with a substantial amount of velcro strip. It fits me very well without there being loads of excess strapping flapping about at the back of my head, and I imagine it would comfortably fit most, if not all people. The black stitching is neat and very strong, no loose threads to be seen on this baby!

Having initially thought the blindfold looked too small to cover the eyes properly, I am pleased to report this was pretty much unfounded as well. When on, my eyes have to be closed and if I attempt to peek out from beneath the blindfold all I can see is a faint strip of light either side of my nose.

Now onto my favourite part, the paddle! Anyone who knows me well, knows that I LOVE a good spank during sex, plus a nice hard spanking session every now and then for fun, and until now we had been using an old paddle that was fairly low quality and has definitely seen better days! I am totally delighted with the paddle in my Bondage Boutique set for a number of reasons.

Once again, the quality of this paddle is just lovely. There’s that wonderful smell of the leather again, and it is light in the hand but hard on the bottom! The stitching (red this time) is impeccable, just like on the blindfold, and seems to frame the paddle and the pink heart accents so very nicely; it’s a very attractive piece of kit to say the least!

The pink hearts (the same sexy deep pink as the blindfold) are padded and puff out slightly against the smooth black leather. The hearts are spongy and feel nice under my fingers, but they do not lessen the sting of this beauty, either side of this paddle provides a hard even hit that will translate the user’s movements through it nicely to the spankee.

Something is sewn into this paddle to reinforce the shape and keep it rigid, though I’m not sure what… A flat strip of metal would be my guess. It does a good job anyway; the paddle keeps it shape despite some pretty rough treatment by my OH, on my bum! At the end of the handle a loop of black leather is threaded through a metal ring-punched hole for storage purposes. I like to keep all my naughty things close at hand for spontaneous playtimes, and with the leather loop I am able to simply hang it from my bed post, which makes it easy to grab and get to work spanking!

I think this set would please bondage newbies and seasoned professionals alike. The blindfold is quick and easy to get on and off with its velcro fastening, and I challenge anyone not to fall in love with the gorgeous paddle! Sensory deprivation and spanking is something that I think everyone should at least have a go at, and this is a fabulous bit of kit for those purposes!

I really like this set and I’m so impressed with the quality, which makes the price completely fair in my opinion. Bondage Boutique have done it again! (Plus, I’m another 2 stickers closer to a free paddle from the BB range!)

Needless to say, I’m a very happy spankee!

Overall Rating: 10 out of 10 stars

Pros: Everything. Lovely quality, real leather scent, soft supple blindfold, beautiful spanker.

Cons: Nothing.

Bottom Line: Top quality blindfold and paddle!

[Ian_Chimp]

by @Tupperwareheart, 12 Oct 2010
Pasante Unique Non-Latex Polyethylene Condoms

Mmmm, carrier bag contraception

As fellow Latex allergy sufferers will know, there isn’t a lot of choice out there when it comes to condoms. That’s why I bought these, to see if they’d give us a little more choice and variety. Unfortunately I can safely say this is the first and last time we’ll be buying these.

Packaging:

Its ingenius. As simple as that, Pasante have created a brilliant and faultless design here. The packet is the exact size of a credit card and just slightly thicker, so will fit perfectly in your purse/wallet. They take up absolutely no room at all. Three condoms are sealed into three different compartments, all you do is peel back the layer on the one you want. No mess, no fuss.

Ease of Use:

The packet comes in a cardboard sleeve with instructions for use, which make things sound a lot more complicated than they really are. Basically the difference is that you don’t stretch the condom, you simply unfold it. They have a strange green label saying ‘insert penis this side’ which gave us a little giggle but didn’t really add to the sexy atmosphere!

Once we’d unfolded the condom and decided which side the penis had to go in it was easy to slide on, although the texture was strange already, it felt like cling film.

The fit was extremely poor, my OH is average size but the condom was baggy on him and the little skirt at the base was both ridiculous and pointless. I was really worried it would slip off in the heat of the moment, this concern certainly killed the mood a bit.

Comfort:

There was so little lube on the condom, it was barely worth bothering to put any on it in the first place. I’ll leave the details to your imagination, but let’s just say chafing ensued.

Literally the only way I could describe the feeling of these condoms is having sex through a plastic bag. The offputting rustling, the chafing, the loose fit…

At a wallet-wincing £1 a shag I’d suggest heading down to your local Tesco and grabbing a carrier bag, it’ll recreate the sensations perfectly. (Possibly with an added pregnancy, but you get my point)

Overall Rating: 1 out of 10 stars

Pros: Clever design, easy to carry in wallet.

Cons: The condoms themselves.

Bottom Line: Buy something else!

[Ian_Chimp]

by @Mr_xxxx, 13 Oct 2010
CyberSkin Superthick Realistic Gonzo Cock

Adopt a CyberSkin cock today

Having spent over the £50 threshold on my order this item was sent by Royal Mail Special Delivery and arrived next day, well packaged and in the usual discreet Lovehoney box. It always feels a bit funny taking such parcels off the postie but at least the brown cardboard boxes used by Lovehoney bear no clue as to the contents.

The dildo is encased in clear moulded plastic packaging with a blue paper insert. On the front is the typical but slightly bizarre ‘try me buy me’ nipple. To be honest the feel of this sample does not particularly reflect the feel of the toy as it is much squishier than the actual dildo. Maybe I should collect all these sample nipples and melt them down to make my own toys. The insert reveals that what we have is a ‘Penthouse Variations Cyberskin Virtual Touch Gonzo Cock’. Penthouse Variations is one of many brand names used by Topco Sales of the USA.

Do not buy this as a first toy for a loved one because they will not thank you for it. Straight from first inspection it is immediately apparent that the Gonzo Cock is not really for beginners. The dimensions stated in the item description are accurate at 12 inches in length and a diameter of 2.5 inches (8 inch circumference). That’s a lot of cock and is probably suitable for the more experienced user such as size queens. Cyberskin is a soft elastomer intended to replicate the feel of human skin, there are variations produced by other manufacturers such as UR3 by Doc Johnson. A visit to the Topco Sales website confirms that this toy (and Cyberskin in general) is indeed phthalate and latex free. However, in the past I have bought toys from Lovehoney which whilst being described as containing latex when I checked with the manufacturer they did not. As my wife, and approx 6% of the general population, are allergic to latex such information is important. This is the only complaint I can think of in the whole Lovehoney experience but it does mean that I always check direct with the manufacturer.

The Cyberskin feels fairly realistic and is definitely softer to the touch than rubber and PVC rubber, whether this is good depends on personal preference but we felt it lead to a lengthier session without rubbing or getting sore. Weighing in at only 1.4 pounds it is light which saves on arm fatigue if you are using it on, or should that be in, a partner… although you may miss the workout. The lack of balls also makes gripping this toy very easy. What is particularly nice about this toy is that it is odour free. Some of our previous purchases (made of PVC rubber) have had an overpowering smell - bad enough to necessitate locking them in a cupboard when not in use. After the initial wash I stood it on the toilet cistern and discovered the suction cup was strong enough to lift the porcelain cistern lid off. Apparently the Gonzo Cock is also handcrafted. What a job that must be; sitting painting veins on dildos all day. The finish is certainly realistic in look but obviously not in size.

There is only one negative that I can think of for this toy and all Cyberskin toys and that is the level of maintenance required. There’s none of your ‘give it a quick wash and chuck it in a drawer with the others’ mentality here. Cyberskin products should be washed only with mild detergents or soap. They should be patted gently dry and Topco recommend storing in a plastic bag. Also recommended is the use of Cyberskin Renew (a corn starch based powder) to keep the Cyberskin fresh between uses. Other Cyberskin owners on the internet claim that corn flour or neutral talc also work. It is also advised not to store Cyberskin next to rubber toys as they will react together causing the Cyberskin finish to degrade. Maybe they should include an adoption certificate, just remember ‘love your Cyberskin toy and it will love you’.

In conclusion, this is a great dildo if you’re willing to devote the time to care for it. Large enough to satisfy (if size is important to you), allergy free and gentle to the touch. The ‘Penthouse Variations Cyberskin Virtual Touch Gonzo Cock’… now that really is a mouthful in more than one way.

Overall Rating: 9 out of 10 stars

Pros: The size, the touch, the look, and best of all it’s odour free.

Cons: The level of maintenance for Cyberskin is a chore.

Bottom Line: To to be put on a pedestal (preferably alone so it doesn’t corrode).

[Ian_Chimp]

by @BashfulBabe, 14 Oct 2010
Bondage Boutique Leather Stud-Lined O-Ring Collar

Collar me beautiful

I’ve been after a collar for a while, but always been worried about getting one that’d fit right, look good, and stand up to a bit of punishment (not all kit can be as good as me in all three categories!). The Bondage Boutique range is a pretty solid choice if you want quality and affordability, so I was rather excited when this turned up in my Grab Bag.

The leather is rather tough, and the metal studs tend to reinforce it a little, so there’s close to no chance of this tearing or warping under a more forceful hand. But that doesn’t mean it’s uncomfortable: it’s soft and supple, especially when warmed by the body heat of an excited wearer. The studs are smooth and slightly rounded on both sides, so no worries about the backing digging into delicate neck flesh, and the stitching is delicate and high-quality, and won’t be felt by even the most tender of submissives. Similarly, the O-ring is large, strong, and well-joined, so it’s suitable for attaching a leash or chain, or even being grabbed by a firm hand. Very much up to your own desires. It’s securely attached, too, so there’s no danger of ripping it off if you’re too rough. This is certainly a collar that will stand up to as much abuse as the wearer is willing to take.

Sizing, as I mentioned, was one of my main concerns. I don’t exactly have a pencil neck, but I am vertically challenged, and often find that a collar is too baggy to have a desired effect, or is too wide and digs into my chin (or usually both). I was especially worried about this given it has poppers instead of the more common buckle fastening, and is wide enough for three rows of them. However, while it is about as wide as I could comfortably wear, there is no discomfort. It does force me to keep better posture, but a slight slouch is possible without irritation; it’s only if I slump fully that it starts putting pressure under my jaw. It also has a slightly slimmer fit than many others - 13, 15, or 17 - and even I find that the tightest fit gives a noticeable amount of pressure around my neck. I can wear it on the middle sizing comfortably, but if I’m not being dragged around, and fancy the restriction, I can wear the smallest and feel it without worrying I’m about to strangle myself. Also, the popper fastenings, while secure enough to not fly off if tugged about, are easy enough to fasten or release on yourself, which gives an added feeling of safety, as I am in complete control of wearing it or not (as long as my hands are free!).

There’s also the materials. As well as being good quality from a practical point of view, they’re delicious from a sensory perspective. I adore the smell of real leather, and this has that glorious whiff, which is further intensified as it warms up. Also, with the smooth studs on the interior side as well as outside, you can feel the lovely chill at the various points, making them pleasurable as well as decorative. The ring feels mildly heavy, too, so even if it’s left hanging against your chest, it’s a very pleasant little weight.

I really enjoy wearing this. I do think I’d like something skinnier, but that’s about the only flaw I can come up with for this, and that’s purely an aesthetic thing, and personal taste at that.

Overall Rating: 9 out 10 stars

Pros: Quality of materials, sizing, smell and appearance.

Cons: Would prefer something slimmer, but the width isn’t uncomfortable, I’m just picky.

Bottom Line: Gorgeous and high-quality, well worth it for the low price.

[Ian_Chimp]

by @BoundinBlack, 24 Oct 2010
Remote Control 10 Function Love Egg with Sleeve

Love Egg With Sleeve a quality adventurous toy!

I bought this toy for puppy as a very discreet way of keeping her frustrated and stimulated at the most inappropriate of moments! She loves to be teased and secretly turned on whilst in public and so a remote vibrator was always on the cards! Looking at the available options, this one seemed the most hi-tech and most recommended, and man it does not disappoint.

On opening the package, you can see how high quality this is, no plasticy flimsy battery doors and breakable switches or dials here, the control looks like a remote fob for an expensive sports car and has the same build quality. The Egg itself is a hard polycarbonate-type plastic which has the same incredibly high build quality as the remote. The batteries (high power little things) fit snugly into both remote and toy (one for the remote, three ((!)) in the toy) and they go into the toy in such a cool fashion it’s like loading a futuristic weapon! The silicone sleeve is stretchy, feels lovely to the touch and slips over the toy easily (you turn it inside out and then wrap it backwards over the toy). On first view, the size does make your eyes pop a bit – this is one of the larger eggs that I have seen – but puppy had no problem taking it, which takes us onto the field test!

Using this with puppy, I slid it into her after a session and told her it was a Kegel exerciser to give her something to clench – before we went into town… After about half an hour of wandering, I turned it on the low setting… Her reaction was fantastic… A little “oh god” under her breath and she started to cross her legs a little… Had a bit of fun pretending I had no idea what was happening, switching it on and off, and cycling through to one of the pulses. She was really starting to bite her lip, and found it hard to concentrate on keeping up a conversation… I showed her the remote after about 30 minutes and her eyes lit up and she giggled quite a bit, was very shocked! Needless to say she loved it, at times she was literally having to concentrate on walking and wasn’t making sense when answering questions. It really does tease and stimulate that much, your mind kind of gets centred on it. She said she had a few little cums in public with it on but can’t really remember too much as she was in a bit of a daze with it on.

In practical terms, the Remote is amazing… I managed to zap her from one shop in our local retail centre, about 200 yards away while she was making a hair appointment! :). It always responds. The vibrations are very powerful and have such a good variation of pulse (Constant low, Mid, and High, Pulse, Judder, Random, Low to High pulse, High to Low pulse, and some variations of the few). There’ll be something to make any girl’s teeth chatter (She loves 3, 4, 5, and 7, incidentally!).

It’s VERY easy to clean, insert and remove. It’s also very quiet, so you’re unlikely to get odd looks at the supermarket! (Though we wouldn’t recommend using it in the library!) The remote lights up on switching on, a quick look shows you it’s on (LCD display), which of the ten settings it’s on, and also a “heart monitor” style line showing what the pulses are feeling like on the toy (a nice, evil little touch!). Fantastic!

She loves it, I love it, we can’t recommend this “Frustrating teaser” (her words) enough… It’ll certainly spice up your play, or if you’re into any kind of tease and torture play it’s a MUST!

Overall Rating: 10 out of 10 stars

Pros: Quality, powerful vibrations, total control!, quietness, easy to clean.

Cons: Nothing. There really is nothing that can be improved about this toy.

Bottom Line: The best egg ever. Gold standard quality. Orgasm control from a distance!

[Ian_Chimp]

by @Despina_Rose, 07 Nov 2010
Lovehoney VibraExciter Mobile Phone Vibrator For Men

Phone For Men: Powerful, Quiet, Many Functions

These were found quite a lot in the male and couples Grab Bags. I didn’t get one but I adopted it off Adopt a Toy in exchange for an item I got in my female Grab Bag. It’s great being able to swap toys that you don’t like from a Grab Bag. I was very pleased with this cock ring vibrator for solo male play and couples as well.

Packaging

The packaging on this vibe is simply awful to get into and there is far too much of it. It is one of those sealed with glue that you need a hacksaw to get into. I managed to open these using a pair of kitchen scissors after 5 minutes! There are copious amounts of plastic and packaging, which is bad for mother earth. However that being said, like almost all of the Lovehoney brand toys, it’s cringe-free, which is a major plus.

Looks

The vibe part looks like an mp3 player at first glance and has a belt clip on the back. No one would know that it was actually a vibrator. All names or brands are on the back, which is ‘VibraExciter’ and then a sticker which can be easily removed saying VibraFun. The cock ring and vibe part is smaller than I thought it would be, but I prefer this as it is much more mobile if you are going away and easily stored from nosy room mates, parents, kids, siblings and the dog. There are two powerful motors each side of the ring with a wire connecting them to the vibrator part, which easily fits in the palm of your hand.

Material

The ring’s material is an opaque dark grey colour, skin-safe rubber. It doesn’t contain phthalates or latex, which is great for intimate parts. A great thing is it is not the type of material that attracts dust and fluff, which is a pet hate of mine when it comes to sex toys. On the picture you can’t really see any wires but on the vibe there is a white wire connection from each of the bullets to the vibrator part. I like that the wire is more visible so I always make sure I stretch the non-wired side just in case.

Controls

The first control is an on/off switch at the side in silver. If it is on the off setting then it won’t vibrate whatever buttons you press. The switch is easy to operate and doesn’t stick. It needs a bit of force to push it up but this means that it won’t slip or anything. The second control is the big round silver button in the middle. This is a ‘kill’ button that if you press it, it stops the vibrations completely. Which is great if you live with others or need to stop it quick. The third control is the functions half-circle button at the top. There are ten different speeds and patterns, which is really great for variety. If you press the button in the middle to ‘kill’ the vibrations it remembers what setting you were on, which is good for quick turn-off moments. However when you switch it off, it resets and goes back to the first function, which I think is a shame. There are three single speed settings and then seven functions!

Power

The vibe uses two AAA batteries in a small compartment at the back. Due to the belt strap being there it is sometimes difficult to get into, which isn’t great for helping the mood. The power output for two AAA batteries is simply amazing! I am really surprised at just how powerful this little baby is. I have vibes that take four AA batteries and this would rival them on power on the highest setting. Even the lower settings and patterns are powerful.

Noise

Unfortunately I find that with more power you get a lot more noise in most cases, which isn’t good when you live with others like I do. However, this vibrating cock ring really steps up to the mark. It is very powerful but also quiet. Not whisper quiet but certainly you wouldn’t be able to hear it in the next room with low music and thin walls. The noise is muffled even more when under covers - what a great excuse to go to bed…

Testing 123

Now for the really exciting bit - the testing! I congratulate you if you have read this far, or if you have skipped to this, then cheater This came through the post in the morning and I was really excited about taking this product for a test ride, but due to living with others we had to wait until that night. With all the anticipation of the testing, me and the OH were very really eager to try it out. When night came, we used being tired as an excuse to get an early night, though we didn’t get much sleep. We started off with some light foreplay and then some oral.

She says

I tried using the VibraExciter when giving oral to the OH. It doesn’t work too well due to the vibrations, which travel up the shaft to your mouth and then rattle your teeth, which isn’t nice. I then lubed up and hopped on top. It is very nice and very powerful. Makes your OH feel like your favourite vibe. When coupled with clitoral stimulation this had me orgasming very hard.

He says

When she used it with oral it felt amazing. The vibrations travel really well up the whole shaft and the power is really good. The different functions are great but I don’t like it when there are gaps between them. It’s excellent to try and match the thrusting to the patterns. It is a really great toy that has us both orgasming hard. We have never used this product for phone use so I can’t really comment but that’s not what we got it for.

Overall

I really love this product for using during sex. It really is powerful and quiet. It isn’t good during oral as it rattles your teeth but he said it was really good during it. The packaging is cringe-free but there is too much and it’s hard to get into. The looks are okay, it’s discreet and the controls are very easy to use, with lots of great functions. It has become a firm favourite for us both during sex.

Overall Rating: 9 out of 10 stars

Pros: Power, quiet, functions, discreet, vibrations travel well, oral good for him.

Cons: Oral bad for her, battery compartment and packaging difficult getting into.

Bottom Line: We love it. It’s really powerful and quiet. A firm favourite for us both.

[Ian_Chimp]

by @Tupperwareheart, 02 Nov 2010
Waterproof Slim Stick Vibrator

Sexy Slim Stick Waterproof Vibrator

It’d be easy to skip right past the Waterproof Slim Stick in the search for a new vibrator. At first glance it appears to have a lot to offer in length, but leaves a lot to be desired with girth. I think, like me, you’d be very surprised by this toy and just how well it can hit those spots.

Packaging:

One word: Innocent. Nothing about the packaging of this toy really gives a clue to where you’ll be sticking it later. Everything’s purple to match the toy itself, it’s the perfect first time toy or gift for someone who’ll be put off by in your face packaging. Something that I really liked was that although it was cute and girly, it wasn’t OTT. No flowers or unicorns here, it’s all about being simple and classy.

Written on the front are the words ‘Grrl Toyz Waterproof Slim Stick’. Reasonably innocuous, and no off-putting porny images. Underneath this we’re told that the toy takes 2 x AAA batteries, which are not included and that the toy is phthalates and latex free which makes my girlyparts very happy. It also states that the slim stick is 7.5 inches (19.05cm) in length, so it should be more than enough to satisfy!

Opening the package is so easy. Absolutely no fiddly bits, you definitely don’t need scissors. All you have to do is pull the top and the plastic comes apart with ease. It contains one paper insert, no unnecessary bits of plastic to be found here - eco warriors wave your vibes in the air and rejoice! You’ll find the toy nestled happily in the domed packaging. Once opened it fell out right into my lap, if you listened very closely I’m sure you’ll have heard it yell ‘Use meeee!’

The paper insert discreetly folds down to show the care instructions. It tells us that the vibe has a secure rubber O ring making it waterproof. All the usual cleaning advice is listed here along with a small warning that the 30 day warranty is not valid outside the US. But let’s face it, most company warranties pale in comparison to LH! So I’d suggest using Lovehoney’s fantastic 365 day guarantee instead if you encounter problems.

The instructions also have this little gem to share: ‘Manufacturer does not warrant this product will achieve a particular result’ Makes you wonder if they had some interesting phone calls before they added that… Excuse me, customer services - where is my orgasm?

Appearance:

The vibrator itself is every bit as stylish and elegant as the packaging. For its impressive length it is unintimidating and classy, imagine an over sized bullet with ridges. Made of smooth coated plastic, it feels amazing and silky against the skin. Personally, I dislike some of the so called ‘soft touch’ plastic toys available but I instantly fell in love with this. When I first unwrapped the toy, it was gliding effortlessly between my fingers and felt soft but sensual. Perfect.

I have the purple version, delightfully named ‘Plush Passion Fruit’. Wow, do I eat it or play with it?! The shaft of the toy is quite transparent. This allows you to see the batteries inside which is a bit of a shame as it ruins the style slightly, but I’m not intending to keep it on my mantelpiece for guests to admire so it’s not a huge issue.

This vibe has 7.5 wonderful inches to offer, it definitely has the ability to reach the good spots. It’s amazingly slim though, it’s barely thicker than my index finger. This makes it a perfect first time toy, or good for people that prefer length over girth. If you love bullets but want something more insertable or rabbits still scare you a bit then this would make a great next toy for you. Because it’s not particularly phallic shaped this is a fabulous toy to bring out to play with a partner when you feel like enjoying some insertion and clit stimulation.

The tip of the vibe has a slight point rather than a flat surface, so it’s perfectly formed for precision clit or g spot stimulation. For the first inch or so the material is smooth and from there you’re greeted by delicious ridges up to the screw top base.

I noticed a mild but slightly odd scent to the toy when I first opened it, but a quick spritz of toy cleaner and a wipe down and it’s good to go.

The design of this toy makes it so versatile, use it as a vibrator or wave it around like a wand and pretend to be Harry Potter. With a quick flick, vanish your partner and summon the lube.

Ease of Use:

First off, you’ll need to unscrew the top. Inside is a paper insert rolled up telling you which batteries to use and which way they go. I’m not completely sure if you’re meant to remove this but I did and I’ve had no issues with it.

Next, slot the batteries in face down. They’re incredibly easy to put in but a little tricky to get out, so give it a shake! Twist the cap back on, making sure to secure the waterproof seal and it immediately buzzes into life, ready for action!

There’s a handy little dial on the top which you turn for the multispeed action. I didn’t notice much gradation between the lowest setting and full whack but it’s incredibly easy to operate which is a bonus. Lube makes it slippier but it’s still user friendly and easy to turn.

What’s it like:

Whoa, loud. My advice would be to make sure you have the house to yourself, or at the very least put some music on. I was a little put off by the noise this kicked out.

The strength of the vibrations even on the gentlest setting are phenomenal, I really couldn’t believe a toy this slim and lightweight could hold so much power. Top speed is absolutely mind blowing. Honestly, you’ll have to try it for yourself to believe me because it was indescribably good.

The vibrations are fiercest in the tip but they do reach quite far up the shaft of the vibe. However, if you’re looking to insert this toy all the way you’ll find little vibrations at the base to stimulate the sensitive nerve endings at the entrance to your pussy. Although as the vibe has plenty of length to offer, if you sacrifice half an inch or so you can enjoy insertion while having great stimulation externally too.

It came as quite a shock to me that, with a bit of manoeuvring, you can graze the G-spot with this toy. I assumed as it was such a straight design it’d never hit the right area, how wrong was I?

Another pleasant surprise was how full you can feel with this vibe, despite it being so slim. Presumably the incredible vibrations have something to do with that, but whatever the reason, it gives a very enjoyable experience.

When well lubed, those ridges really come into play. They feel amazing gliding against you.

I love the thinness of this vibrator. It’s fabulous for those new to insertion or to toys in general. For anyone who suffers from pain with some toys, or sex in general this is absolutely ideal. The entire design is very unintimidating and gives you no reason to blush, as long as you’re prepared for the fact it’s not a silent toy.

The strong vibrations around the tip are so amazing for the clitoris, vaginal opening, nipples, inner thighs… The list is almost endless… With a little lube (I’d recommend water based) the tip becomes so soft and pliable, making it amazing for precise stimulation of the clit without being too harsh when pressed against it. Fantastic.

Underwater:

Once you’ve made sure you’ve secured the rubber O ring tightly, this beauty is ready for some shower or bath fun. The soft texture really works its magic underwater, it gives a much slipperier experience. When slick with lube and the water from a shower or bath, the ridges on the vibe feel even more incredible. The noise is muffled slightly more too, which is a bonus. All in all, this toy works perfectly well underwater.

So, what has this toy taught me? That sometimes slimmer is better. For those times when you want a little more from a bullet, but don’t want another rabbit, reach for this little beauty.

Overall Rating: 7 out of 10 stars

Pros: Incredible power, delicious ridges, hit every good spot, classy design, innocently packaged.

Cons: The noise. That’s the only thing!

Bottom Line: A slightly different take on your standard vibe, well worth adding to your collection.

[Ian_Chimp]

@jx5, 02 Nov 2010
Aneros MGX Prostate Massager

I surprised myself - I didn’t think it would work

I had read the glowing reviews, and I had also read the ones who had given up in frustration at not achieving the magical effect - that’ll be me, I thought. By the way, I’m 47 years old, straight, and never tried toys like this before.

I found it a little painful and uncomfortable at first, but having a wash in warm water, warming the Aneros in hot water, and aqueous cream (cheap at the chemist) works very well as a lube. I tried it lying down as instructed, but nothing happened, and I got bored very quickly. Then I saw a video of someone using it standing up, with one leg bent up as if one foot was on a step, and manipulating the Aneros, which you are told not to do!

So I tried this, in the bath: it makes it easy, with warm water available, and no problems with any mess. Using a little backward pressure on the loop with a finger, I angled the Aneros so its tip moved towards the front of my body, but still using the anal muscles for the in/out movement. I did this because I thought that my prostate may be further forward (everyone is different) and the Aneros without manual intervention just wasn’t getting near it. The results seem to have proved me right.

It is very strange how it starts: my breathing got quicker and shallower, and then my bent leg started to shake violently. My head started pounding, and the blood pressure in my forearms and fingers was overwhelming and I really worried that I should stop in case I passed out - I didn’t want to be found in the bath like that! I carried on (of course - how can you stop when all hell is breaking loose for the first time?), then the breathing slowed, so I masturbated a little, not to a full erection, manipulated the Aneros a bit more, and the breathing speeded up to a ridiculously fast panting, I was nearly there, after half an hour of intense sensations, and it popped out! I was in tears, I wanted it back inside so badly, put it in, it came out again, put it back, and sobbed as I came, overwhelmed by it all. I couldn’t believe it.

I really doubted that I would like the Aneros, because it hurt, it was too messy, too difficult; it is all of those things, initially, but it works. A week later I tried again doing it lying down, but still couldn’t get that to work, even with my new-found technique, so it was back to the bathroom, and that has worked three times now. I really want it to work in a relaxed lying down way, but until that happens at least I have found a way that works for me.

Overall Rating: 9 out of 10 stars

Pros: It takes control of your body. Well made, easy to clean.

Cons: Takes effort, easy to be put off and give up.

Bottom Line: Amazing, surprising, eye-opening, changes what you think your body is supposed to do.

[Ian_Chimp]

by @BashfulBabe, 03 Nov 2010
Booty Parlor Flirty Little Secret Bronze Edition

Golden Goddess

First of all, I have to point out that despite the product description talking about Booty Parlor’s Dust Up, this is in fact the bronzer firming cream in the picture, just in case anyone was confused.

I’ve always been a little cynical of so-called firming creams: I’m a sufferer of the post-baby droop, and had tried a few different products (at great expense!) to try and cheat nature, all to no avail. I had read a rather glowing review of the ‘original’ Flirty Little Secret here, but still couldn’t bring myself to shell out £30 given my doubts. So when this version dropped to £15 in the sale, and I’d been wooed by another Booty Parlor product into trusting the brand wholeheartedly, I had to give it a go.

Packaging

Very classy and elegant, you wouldn’t be able to tell this apart from any of the various lotions and unguents us girlies seem to amass on our dressers. Apart from the tiny tag claiming the presence of pheromones, this could have been bought in any local chemist or supermarket, so it can sit proudly in full view without alerting the world to your predilection those shocking sex stores. I actually think it looks rather Christmassy, with the gold and red, and as a luxury product, I couldn’t see this going down badly as a stocking filler, or gift for that special someone at any time of year.

Smell

The scent is, officially, Jasmine Tea, and that does bear out in the sniff-test. However, it’s very delicate, not at all overpowering like some beauty products. I am an exceedingly awkward soul: I hate saccharine, floral, sickeningly strong fragrances, so nine times out of ten, I find the scents of any creams or lotions more something to put up with than enjoy. This is one of the reasons I’ve fallen so in love with the Booty Parlor range, as they share my distaste for the standard cloyingly-sweet scents. This is light and slightly earthy, so no clothes-peg required for applying it, and when you’re out and about it smells so delicate and natural that you don’t constantly get asked what your perfume is (I’ll often see people sniff a little, obviously liking it, but not sure what it could be because it’s not aggressive enough to scream “it’s me and my gallons of fake fragrances!”, which I like much more than the platitudes as folk try not to choke on the cloud of sweetness wafting around you). The pheromones aspect, I can’t objectively comment on, but I did feel as if I was getting more than the average number of turned-heads, although whether that was due to sciencey bits or just the increased confidence, I can’t say.

Bronzing Effect

I am probably the worst person to try this on, as I am almost scarily pale; even ‘natural’ foundation makes me look like I’ve slammed my face in a chocolate gateaux! So perhaps it was this factor that made me baulk at the darkness of the cream. Coming out of the tube, it was pretty much exactly the same shade as the tube, maybe a touch golder. Immediately apprehensive, I applied it to my least-seen saggy bits - winter is a good time to test this kind of thing, at least any colour-matching errors can be well hidden! - and tried to be sparing. It was a lot lighter when applied and spread over my skin, but it was still obviously darker than my natural skin tone, even when rubbed in fully. However, it does warn to leave an hour before dressing if at all possible, and within about 20 minutes it had faded down to more of a healthy glow than the chocolatey oompa-loompa I had feared would greet me in the mirror. The couple of times I did have to rush myself and suit up before it had had its settling time, I did find a small amount had rubbed off onto the inside of my clothing, but even then it was more of a dirty-yet-sparkly look, and washed right out in a normal wash, so as long as I’m not going to be flashing my pants at anyone that night, I can handle having to dress too quickly. One thing I will warn about: be prepared to wash your hands well afterwards! It might seem obvious, but after rubbing it in everywhere, your hands will be solid gold, and it will transfer to anything you touch, so have a clear run to the sink with nothing in splash-able distance. As I mentioned, it should wash out just fine, but it’s not a good idea to have brown hand prints on the bathroom door if someone pops around for a surprise visit.

Firming

As I mentioned, I was a cynic. Note the use of the past tense there! If you’re looking for lypo in a tube, you’ll be disappointed. However, if like me you just have a bit of the old jelly belly going on, or even just love the feeling of your skin all tight and fresh after a pampering, then this will definitely tick all the right boxes. As soon as I applied it the first time, I could feel something. It was easily absorbed, and my skin felt soft and supple immediately. I wasn’t sure if the slight tightening was in my head or not, so I kept my mistrust up a little longer and continued the daily use. They recommend 4-6 weeks of continuous daily use for a noticeable improvement, but I assume that depends on the level of sagginess there in the first place. After two weeks, I can genuinely see a difference. My boobs feel as if they’ve been lifted slightly, and are a little firmer to the touch than before, and my belly…well, it’s still there, but it is significantly less wibbley. I’m not sure if it will ever be able to magic the whole lot away, but I look and feel so much better about my body than I did little over a fortnight ago. I honestly never believed it would work even to this extent in so short a time.

I am definitely going to keep using this, now that I know how well it works I can justify the higher price tag, it really is amazing enough to be worth it. My skin feels and looks amazing, my confidence is through the roof, the cream itself smells delicious and feels gorgeous to use, and getting a bit of a healthy glow (and slight shimmery glitteriness for those nights out!) is not something that’s easy to say no to.

Overall Rating: 10 out of 10 stars

Pros: Everything! The smell, how my skin felt and looked, easy to use.

Cons: Can’t think of a thing, to be honest.

Bottom Line: Does all it claims to, and more! Pure confidence booster and gorgeous-ifier.

[Ian_Chimp]

@Miss-Nomer, 07 Nov 2010
Bondage Boutique Leather Cross Paddle

Bondage Boutique Leather Cross Paddle: Mercy!

When the Bondage Boutique range came to Lovehoney I was instantly intrigued (affordable bondage equipment, and a loyalty scheme, oh my), and this was my first item from the line. I’ve since gone on to buy a further three items by them, with several more on my wishlist, so clearly I enjoyed my first taste.

When it first arrived, I discovered it packaged in a clear plastic bag, with a small, round sticker with the Bondage Boutique logo on (which is very cute - it features two kinky fairies, a horned heart and a crown). Inside the bag (easily opened as it just has a fold down flap with a line of stickiness to hold it there), you will find the paddle, a BB Loyalty Card, and two loyalty stickers.

The packaging is very simple, which was, initially, slightly disappointing to the aesthete in me, but it has its bonuses: better for the environment as there are no unnecessary bits, you’re not paying extra for packaging you’ll probably just chuck in the bin, and there are no pictures of hideously photoshopped people! Hurrah. You also aren’t stuck wrestling with packaging for five minutes before you can get to your new plaything (always ironic with bondage equipment).

The paddle is well constructed for the price. It feels sturdy, and it’s not so light it feels gimmicky, not so heavy it’s a strain to hold for prolonged periods. It’s pretty to look at - black, silver, interesting diamond shape. The metallic cross motif is sewn on rather than glued, giving it better longevity, and the edges of the paddle are smooth and covered. The wrist strap is of a good size, and has a tiny bit of stretch to the leather, it shouldn’t cut into you, and you could untie it if you’d rather not have it there, or replace it with your own choice. The handle is quite comfortable to hold, if a little angular (this is something I’ve found with just about every paddle, though); I like to grasp it, and rest my thumb against where it starts to flare out, for better control.

The smooth back feels rather pleasant stroked across the skin, especially at first, when it’s nice and cool, and the motifed side gives a rougher sensation, so it can provide a nice variation. The top point can be used to - very lightly - scratch your partner (even if you press very hard you’re not going to do any real damage, but you can leave some faint red lines that last a while). It feels to me like it has a slightly flexible, solid plastic spine through its length, which gives it quite a firm slap. It emits a pleasant ‘crack’ when connecting with skin, even with softer blows. It’s quite a nippy fellow, although it’s kinder than studded or wooden paddles - I doubt it could leave bruises. However, you can give a wide range of sensations with it, from gentle pats, to right good stinging wallops - with just one good thwack, it can leave a bottom pleasantly pink and tingly for a good thirty minutes or so.

There is a slight difference in sensation depending on what side you use to spank, although the main point about the motifed side is that it can leave you with cute little marks (and it does a better job of this than the [more expensive] Sportsheets Impressions paddle I own) - I find it helps to leave the paddle lingering on the skin for a moment or two after a firm strike to best make the pattern stand out.

It’s thoroughly enjoyable to use, from both sides. As the wielder, the pleasure of ‘marking’ your playmate, and all the myriad of options for sensation at your hands, is rather empowering. And as the willing victim, trussed up, face down on the bed, or lain across your partner’s lap (or up against the wall, or bent over across some furniture… choices, choices), not knowing what to expect next, makes you feel gloriously vulnerable… such fun!

It sounds, smells, looks and feels lovely. Since I’m not in the habit of licking spanking paddles, it gets a near-perfect score from me, on the sensory pleasure front. I think the only way I could like it more is if it was a pentagram design (although, with the cross it does have an added bonus: I can imagine that this would make a truly fantastic accessory for a naughty nun or kinky priest/vicar, either for dress up parties or roleplay).

All in all, this is a good basic paddle with a twist and a lot of versatility. It’s simple enough that I believe it would be a good starting paddle, and different enough that it can probably provide something new to a more experienced player.

Overall Rating: 9 out of 10 stars

Pros: Simple yet versatile. Well constructed and designed.

Cons: Hmm… Certain Christians might find the design a bit blasphemous?

Bottom Line: It does the job it was designed to do with flair!

[Ian_Chimp]

by @jg, 28 Nov 2010
Eroscillator 2

Eroscillator a top toy by a country mile

We have being looking for something quite different for a while now. The rabbits are great but something different is not easy to find. There have been a few discussions about this product on the LoveHoney forums and that is where we first came across it.

We read the reviews and googled “Eroscillator” and were impressed with what information we found - 2 million dollars of research and endorsement from Dr Ruth! What more can anyone want… A good few good reviews from LoveHoney helped make the decision for us to buy, even at a quite high price of £139.99.

We went for the deluxe model as it is “only” £20 more expensive, comes with 5 attachments, and is 20% more powerful. When spending over £100 on a toy the little extra is well worth it.

So it eventually arrived as usual, in the fast, discreet and efficient way that we have come to expect from LoveHoney. Brown cardboard box with a very impressive set of contents, the deep dark red Erosillator box gives from the outset that this is a quality product. In the box is a CD, instruction booklet, plastic holder for the boxes contents, the Eroscillator itself and 5 heads to fit onto the main unit. You also get a mains plug and adaptor so it works in the UK.

So a quick look at the instructions and a few minutes to watch the video. It is strange but at this point we were still none the wiser about what this product is all about apart from it seems like the best toy money can buy, lots of people see it as very different to a normal vibrator in its workings and what it delivers. It has made a big difference to lots of unorgasmic women from the reviews and literature! One has even given one to her mother! Well we wanted something different and here it is…

So out of the box and into action. It does feel a little plastic like but seems quite sturdy. Taking the unit and fitting the attachments on is very easy. The first time we used the Eroscillator we started off trying all the heads and touching them to see the different effects. It feels great as a sort of body massager and the different effects are quite unusual. It is all very strange but there is really nothing else quite like it. While it does not really look as though it could actually do very much the effects of what it does do are incredible!

We have used it a few times now and each time we have done things differently, sometimes all 5 heads and others just one. Sometimes a quick let’s get down to it is good, and at other times a slow and sensual couple of hours is time well spent. We seem to have left our other toys alone, which I did not think would happen (we need to combine using them with the Eroscillator now, glad I’m thinking about it while writing this).

What is the most satisfying thing is that the orgasms are very slow to build up to but they last much longer and are intense. We have had a lot of fun so far and we think it will only get better. It has on every occasion so far been a wonderful toy that is so much fun to use together.

It is great for both sexes, holding the Eroscillator against the shaft of the penis while the man receives a BJ is a great way to give pleasure to both of you. Holding the Eroscillator against you forehead soothes headaches!

There are so many places to touch, insert and play with using this toy that it is really worth the initial outlay.

One thing that did disappoint is the lock on the mains cable did come loose, which needs to be watched.

However we are so pleased that we purchased it and cannot recommend it enough.

I would like to see LoveHoney stock the additional heads though as we want to get them soon.

Overall Rating: 10 out of 10 stars

Pros: Quality is first class as are the results.

Cons: Lock on mains cable can come loose.

Bottom Line: Terrific mind-blowing orgasms for both of us, incredibly versatile.

[Ian_Chimp]

by @englishrose, 10 Nov 2010
Luminescence Floating Mood Light Waterproof Vibrator

Floating Mood Light Waterproof Massager- Utterly Brilliant, Ultimate Multi-Tasking Vibe

Made by California Exotic Novelties (albeit in China) you know that this is a good product. Just how good becomes obvious once you get it out of the box - it’s sturdy, being made of rigid plastic, and surprisingly elegant (more about that later). It takes two AAA batteries, which are rather fiddly to insert - you may need to move the contacts backwards quite significantly, as the battery compartments are very tight. However, there are also ribbons that sit under the batteries, so that you can easily remove them. This is a nice touch, and not usually a luxury found on products in this price range.

As you can see from the pictures on the site, it is shaped a bit like an egg on a stand. This is part of the beauty of this vibe - it is not only attractive to look at, it is totally discreet: you can leave it sitting on your bedside table or in the sitting room, and no-one will realise what it is. Even the curious, who fiddle with the button, are unlikely to depress it long enough to activate the vibe motor within. A quick press on the button turns on the “mood lighting”, and you could easily use the vibe as a side or night light: there are a range of colours represented in the spectrum of its operation, and when just switched on as a light, it’s actually really pretty.

To turn the vibe itself on, you need to depress the button for four seconds, which is a surprisingly long time when you are waiting! Despite taking such small batteries, this is a really powerful vibe, although it only has one frequency. That didn’t bother me, as I tend to get confused anyway between all the various patterns some vibes have! To turn it off, you just use the same switch as to turn it on, and although it’s easy enough to do, it is sufficiently hard enough that you won’t be able to do it by mistake in the midst of play - always a bonus.

You can use it as a body massager, and the unit fits really comfortably into your hand. If you turn it upside down, and hold on to the egg-shaped end, you can use the feet for a broader massage, rather than the more focussed one offered by using it the right way up. It really comes into its own, though, as a vibe: it’s powerful without being numbing, and it just a delight to use. Its size means that it’s not particularly well suited for insertion, though you could if you felt inclined (though it is pretty wide, and you might have trouble hanging on to it if you do) but it is absolutely perfect for working on your clit. I often find that things like rabbits are just too intense and painful as they are focussed on such a small area - the shape of this vibe means you can work the whole clitoral area (which is so much larger than the bit you can actually see) as well as any other erogenous zones you want to explore.

This is great fun to use alone, but even better with a partner: if you can both get over your giggles at the mood lights’ spotlighting, it’s very enjoyable to use on each other, whether intimately or just to work out all those knots. For this reason, it’s a really great toy for those who don’t particularly like phallic vibes or those whose partners are a bit shy or new to toys: it’s totally unthreatening, very discreet and gives a very good regular massage. Exchanging massages can be a great way to establish intimacy and relax with each other anyway, and who’s to blame you if you move on from the neck and shoulders? You also have the choice of several colours, so it doesn’t need to be too girly if your partner doesn’t appreciate pink everything.

I’ve left the greatest highlight to the end though: not only is it a vibe, not only is it a massager, not only does it have mood lighting - but it’s also totally waterproof and, even better, floats! If you like having a soak in the bath, you can take it with you: it floats with the stand bit under the water, and the lights are strangely soothing. You can use it to ease all your tension, and best of all, the rest of your household will think you’re just using your electric toothbrush. Yup, there is a downside to this wonder - it is pretty noisy. I usually find noisy toys pretty off-putting, but this is more a loud hum than a high pitched buzz. Even so, when I first began road-testing it, the neighbours who had just moved in next door did bang on the bedroom wall (we do have pretty thin walls though) - so I really would recommend using either in the bathroom, or well under the covers (though even so you will still be able to hear it) or making sure you have the radio on if your kids or housemates are around. I can’t use mine at night in my bedroom - but it looks so fine on my nightstand, I don’t even care.

Overall Rating: 10 out of 10 stars

Pros: The design, the concept, the vibrations.

Cons: The noise.

Bottom Line: Brilliant for toy virgins, but also a perfect discreet addition to anyone’s collection.

[Ian_Chimp]

by @minutehand, 01 Dec 2010
Monogamy: A Hot Affair Game

Perfect game for a long wintery night in

I waited with anticipation last year when I first ordered this, and when it arrived I couldn’t help immediately opening it to steal a look. I should have been keeping it under the bed for a while until I arrived in China to be with the SO again, but…

My girlfriend and I loved this board game when we first tried it, and we still love it to bits. With Monogamy, you play as a couple and simply roll the dice to find out what to do next - by following the instructions where your counter lands or by choosing a card. What makes it especially great is that with the different levels of intimacy on the cards, your game can be as sweet or as sexy as you desire, depending on your mood.

The standard rules progress gradually through all 3 levels as your counters pass along the board - intimate, passionate and steamy, but mix it up how you like. Go through a whole game of “intimate” cards if you’re a new couple or just want a honey-sweet time cuddling in pillows, or up the heat on the winter fire with the “passionate” and “steamy” cards if you’re up for a raunchier time. If you’ve managed to hold yourselves back by the game’s end, choose yourselves a fantasy from the very well-written black cards and bring things to a climax.

Monogamy’s reputation as one of the finest games for couples is well deserved. Its various cards are created with obvious creativity, and the extra activities you share keep the game unpredictable and extremely sexy - play a full game together through all levels of intimacy and you’ll find the bigger challenge becomes stopping yourselves from jumping to the final act! You’re encouraged to experiment with your clothing, share a romantic drink together, enjoy food in whichever creative ways you can imagine, though keep in mind you need to provide these things yourselves - unless you buy the very nice-looking kit of extras.

This game is suitable for couples of any age (18+) or intimacy, and is a wonderful way to turn the bedroom heat way up and exploring new things. So if you’re snowed in this winter and are lucky enough to already own one - good for you! Turn up the lounge fire, turn down the lights, and enjoy!

Overall Rating: 10 out of 10 stars

Pros: Wonderfully intimate and sexy, loads of activities and choosable levels.

Cons: Nothing really. Some may find the counters easy to lose or a bit plain.

Bottom Line: Something all couples will enjoy in various ways. New heat for a staling bedroom.

[Ian_Chimp]

by @Pixieking, 21 Dec 2010
Fun Factory Cobra Libre Luxury Male Vibrator

Can I keep it? Yes, yes I can. WOW.

The Cobra Libre is the luxury of luxury in male toys, from its slinky, gadgety exterior to the phenomenally powerful dual motors and smooth silicone sleeve. When you first see this toy you expect big things from it, and I must say that it doesn’t disappoint. The motto of FunFactory - the German company that created the Cobra Libre - is “Love yourself” and with this toy, self pleasure reaches a whole new level.

Packaging and Set-up

The Cobra Libre arrives, discreet as ever, in a sturdy brown Lovehoney box. The little beast itself is housed in a box that wouldn’t be out of place in an electronics store. The toy is encased in a moulded plastic display section like a high end computer mouse, itself sitting inside a quality cardboard sheath that has been very tastefully decorated. It really does look like something that’s been shipped out from Apple.

Opening the box is fairly easy, the cardboard edges have been made sturdy enough not to just fall open, so they do need a tiny bit of work, but there isn’t an scrap of tape in sight, and when you slip out the plastic section, it flips open easily, ready for you to pick it up. The quality is obvious, especially for those of us who might have spent time in the past organising a siege on toys before, with scissors and the prospect of sharp edges lingering.

On either side of the toy there are two small sections for the extras that come with the Cobra. There are two sachets of toy fluid, which is a surprisingly good lube, and perfect to get you going; the instruction manual for the Cobra, which is in about twenty different languages; and a small leaflet advertising the range of FunFactory products on the market.

The snap on magnetic charger that comes with the Cobra has its own entirely separate box, as it is in fact an entirely separate product in its own right. There is no mistaking this for a phone charger. The plug section happily proclaims “Love Yourself!” in true fun factory style, and the design of the magnetic end, which itself is stamped with the fun factory logo, is unique enough that people are bound to investigate if they come across it. I have to say it would take a special person to deduce what it’s for, but it might raise questions.

Before you can dive into the smooth silicone sleeve and throb to happiness, this little baby requires a twelve hour first charge. To charge the toy, simply plug in the plug and attach the magnetic end to the metal “Fun” charging contact at the back of the Cobra. The Fun factory logo will glow red, and a small orange LED located at bellow the plastic of the on button of the toy will begin to pulse to indicate it is charging. A full charge on the toy gives up to one hour vibration on the highest setting, and please don’t try to use the toy while it charges, as it will automatically turn itself off.

Build, Materials and Controls

The shell of the Cobra Libre is made from a hard, glossy plastic (in my case pristine white) while the smooth stretchy sleeve that makes up the mouth of the toy is medical grade silicone, perfect for use in conjunction to your body, but please use only water based lube with this toy, and keep it out of contact with other silicone toys or it might melt.

As the toy charges itself from a magnetic contact, and the buttons are integrated into the toy seamlessly, this toy is 100% waterproof, allowing it to be cleaned with ease in soapy water and rinsed thoroughly. It also allows it to be used in the bath and shower. Perfect for peace of mine. I would also say that it is best to air dry this toy, as drying inside the sleeve is a little tricky.

The silicone sleeve is not particularly deep, only about three inches, which, as they say, doesn’t really sound a lot. If I’m perfectly honest, the idea of being able to sink my whole penis into this is a bit of a dream now, but don’t let the shallow depth fool you, it really does work its magic on the tip of your penis. The mouth of the toy is roughly just under two inches in diameter, and narrows vertically as you enter, resting your fraenulum on a specially designed ridge inside the toy. As the silicone is stretchy without feeling flimsy, I’d say this toy was one size fits most. If you are fairly average down there, I’d have no worries at all. I also wouldn’t worry that the sleeve doesn’t appear to feel very tight, as this simply allows the vibrations to do their job.

The controls for the toy are located on the top edge of the toy. I wouldn’t exactly call them buttons, instead they are three touch sensitive recesses in the plastic case, rather like the mouse panel on a laptop, arranged around a raised T. To turn on the toy, you apply a minute amount of pressure to the top panel for two seconds, this being the panel that holds the LED indicator. The toy will then whirr onto its first, standard vibration setting. While the toy is facing you, the right panel is used to turn the vibrations up, and the panel on the left is used to turn the vibrations down. Pressing the down button while on any of the vibration patterns will turn the toy back to the highest standard vibration setting, and lightly touching the on/off button will return the toy to the first, idle vibration. To turn the toy off, simply touch the top panel for two seconds again till it goes to sleep.

In ideal conditions, these panels are fine, and their seamless design aids the toy in its waterproof status, but these buttons also contain what I consider the toys greatest and near enough only flaw: they are just too sensitive. On my first foray into the shower with the Cobra, the pressure of water drops falling from the shower head were enough to change the modes, and the pressure of water collecting in the dips seemed to confuse the toy. I also managed to turn it on twice while putting the toy away, simply because a finger was resting in the wrong place. This is not a toy I would be comfortable taking away, as any pressure on the buttons risks turning it on, and there is no way to lock the toy for travel. The manual says that the toy will automatically turn off if the touchpad is not used for five minutes, but five minutes is a long time if your bag is buzzing away at an airport terminal, and chances are if it managed to get enough pressure to turn on, the pad will register enough pressure to keep it on. It would have been better if Fun Factory had just added a travel lock.

On the upside, if it is found by the baggage handlers, or indeed anyone coming across it, it is not shaped in any way to make it embarrassing. I can fully understand why someone would be mortified if the Monster Cock 4000 was pulled from the depths by the unsuspecting - pink jelly glistening like something from Satan’s desert trolley - but the Cobra looks like a gadget foremost and a sex toy after. It just looks too cool, and anyone not having a chance to inspect it wouldn’t realize what it was for.

Another little niggle is that sometimes, since the panels obviously do not click, it can be a little hard to work out if your toy has registered your touch. The LED does flash, but it can be hard to tell if you are pressing the toy too quickly for it to register rapid increases or decreases, and subsequently makes it hard to count what setting you are on. This is rather minor though, and only worth mentioning as I’m going into detail.

The whole overall feel of this toy is very positive however, and it really does look like a massive amount of thought has gone into its design. It’s a very, very sexy object.

Vibration and performance

Now we come to the part you have all been waiting for. How does the toy actually feel? In a word, A-M-A-Z-I-N-G!

The thing that makes or breaks this toy is the vibrations, of course, and it is safe to say that the vibrations on this thing turns it from an innocent remote control car to a slavering demon that wants your load. I tried really hard to categorise the vibrations, but after about mode 11 it just goes insane and trying to describe it would be cheapening. This toy has a massive amount of power and two separate motors that work together to create so many sensations of throbbing and fluttering that it’s just a joy to use.

It is also incredibly quiet for the amount of power it uses. The noise it makes can be summed up as something very, very powerful happening far away, like the sound of a tumble dryer through a three foot wall. It’s unlike any other vibrator I have heard, as it has a definite, circular, masculine, noise I find hard to describe. It is also very discreet. I did my normal noise test on the toy, leaving it on my bed and checking the sounds in the next room and the room bellow, and until about mode 7 this toy is essentially silent from outside. All the fun of the toy is in the higher settings for me, but even they are fairly discreet. While you can hear it, it is fairly quiet, and sounds like someone is drilling for oil about a mile away. It’s really hard to describe how something sounds really powerful and yet really quiet at the same time, but this toy does. Gentle music should cover any noises made even at the highest setting, especially if it has lots of low notes.

I managed to count thirteen separate vibration strengths and patterns until I just gave up and just sat feeling it throbbing in my hands. The first vibration is gentle and I’m afraid to say, pretty boring, but it is the introduction, and there are plenty more to enjoy. From vibration 1 until 6, the toy essentially just creates stronger vibrations each time you push the button, but when you get to 6, the magic happens. At this point, the second motor turns on, and the synchronised vibrations create a gentle throbbing sensation. If you place the toy on the bed you can actually see it doing mini diagonal jumps back and worth. These continue to increase in strength until roughly setting 11 or 12. Because of the touch panel and the consistency of the vibrations, it can be hard to tell. The vibrations get so powerful you can see the lips of the sleeve oscillating madly. From here there are a number of knee trembling, throbbing, pulsing and fluttering patterns that are the crowning glory of this toy. I could quite happily sit back and enjoy these till the toy runs out of power. They are so, so strong. It’s just a joy to use it, and unlike any other form of vibration I have felt.

I believe that one of the main things I enjoy about these vibration settings is that there is no pitiful, on, off, on, off, fun, boring, fun, boring, settings. This toy delivers constant vibration, and creates pulses and throbs by varying the strength and going between the two motors, not allowing the vibrations to stop for a second.

The biggest endorsement for this toy in my view is that I have never been able to orgasm from vibration alone, and I did it with this toy, on a mid setting, in under 10 minutes. The frenular vibrations, combined with the encapsulating vibrations caused by the sleeve, deliver some truly memorable sensations. It is also possible to tailor the pressure and stimulation to the head by gripping the silicon sleeve, something decidedly lacking in other vibrators.

This bills itself as a revolutionary male sex toy, and it truly is. I am going to be enjoying it for a long, long time to come. It’s a little wonder, and the plus points outweigh the minuses astronomically. The price tag is steep, but it’s worth it.

Overall Rating: 10 out of 10 stars

Pros: It looks dam sexy, and the vibrations are immense. Just wow.

Cons: The control panel isn’t ideal, and no travel lock.

Bottom Line: The world’s most revolutionary male vibrator? Yes, yes and more yes.

[Ian_Chimp]

by @Ecksvie, 02 Dec 2010
Lovehoney Silencer 2.0 Super Quiet Waterproof Vibrator

Perfect toy, better than sex!

When I bought the silencer, I only got it to top up an order, so it was something of a whim. I’d heard good things, the shape looked good and it seemed to be worth a go. I’m telling you, this has been one of the best impulse buys ever.

The packaging is standard fare in Lovehoney branded toys – minimal, attractive and tasteful. Nothing to complain about there.

The toy itself is just pure brilliance. Were it not pink I could probably consider it perfect! The silencer is made of hard plastic, but it’s so soft and strokable it’s incredibly comfortable to use and have inside of you. The ribs on it feel brilliant. They are exactly the right size and shape that they really give you some brilliant stimulation as it’s thrust in and out. Some ribbed toys I’ve used before have felt like they’re giving me a proper scouring inside, but no such problems with this toy.

The size of this toy is also perfect, at least for my personal preference. I found it a little girthier than what I’m used to from a proper penis, so I get a nice stretch from it without it being uncomfortable or unnatural. I did also find that it can sometimes give my G-spot a nice little buzz on the way past too. By the time my boyfriend gets a clitoral toy out to go with this one, a powerful, intense orgasm is never far off.

In terms of power, I do think it has vibrations which are almost on a level with the Hitachi Magic Wand. Turn this one up to full and hold it in your hand and it won’t be long before your hand goes numb. You’ll be glad to know it has a quite different effect on your insides though! The vibration is different to what I’ve seen in any other toy – the vibrations seem to make the toy move a lot more than a normal toy, it feels a bit like a pneumatic drill, rather than a vibrator, in a good way of course!

The way this toy works is just brilliant. As I said, completely worth every penny, perfect in every way. It also gets plus points for feeling pretty realistic, you could almost mistake it for actual sex if it wasn’t vibrating! I’m glad my boyfriend shares my love of toys and enjoys using them on me, because a guy could feel threatened by this if he knew how good it felt!

In terms of sound, I wouldn’t say it was silent, but on the lower settings it comes pretty damn close. It does get a little louder on the higher settings, but it is one of the quietest toys that I own, and would recommend it to those for who quietness is a necessity.

Operation is fairly standard. A screw base which opens up to place the batteries inside, then a screw bottom on that which you use to adjust the speed. Very easy to use, idiot-proof.

Do be aware that this toy does take C batteries (the big ones but not the massive ones), so you might not have those already in your battery box. I get packs of 4 C batteries from the pound shop, and I do believe it’s well worth that price to keep this toy running.

Overall Rating: 10 out of 10 stars

Pros: Everything! Best toy I’ve ever had.

Cons: Takes C batteries, but it’s a small price to pay for this beauty!

Bottom Line: This really is the Mary Poppins of toys – practically perfect in every way!