Hi all, looking for advise mainly from a womans point of view. Without getting into the specific details, I've recently starting dating a girl I know, at the start we asked each other what we wanted from relationship, we said a few things but 1 of the things I wanted was naughty sex. 1st week we had sex but since then nothing (not naughty), she recently told me that she suffers anxiety. My question is do any women here suffer from it but managed to over come it and try new things sex wise. If so, how so?? Regards,
I have anxiety, and sex related trauma, so I feel I may be able to offer my perspective here and a little insight. I don’t think anxiety is something one can overcome and get over but working through things, small steps at a time, is definitely possible with a lot of open communication, trust and support.
I am not sure what she is specifically anxious about whether she just has concerns regarding sex/relationships or if it affects her in all areas of her life but I will say the best thing to do is keep the lines of communication open and if she’s feeling anxious, listen to her concerns and reassure her where possible. I would forget about trying new things and having naughty sex at the moment as it’s clear to me that she is the type of person that is going to need some time to open up and feel comfortable doing so. My advice would be work on building some trust and reassurance into the relationship with her for now and see how things progress from there 🙂
If she is on any medication this might make it harder for her to want to have sex in the first place, let alone the anxiety-driven worries that a newish relationship and different types of naughtiness might entail. Talking therapies (CBT) are also helpful for breaking the anxiety cycle of thoughts-feelings-actions. I would think it possible that her anxiety has latched onto the new relationship and potentially new sexual adventures (it’s always trying to latch onto something, even positive things)....the ‘what if’ negative thinking regarding anything new can be overwhelming. She maybe quite conflicted in this respect: wanting the relationship to progress, but the anxiety constantly wanting to apply the brakes. This in itself is quite tiring, and confusing, at a time when you should be up to your eyeballs in happy hormones. That she told you about her anxiety suggests she trusts you, and wants to help you understand her a bit better, rather than just shutting down, and letting you think she has less interest in the relationship moving forward than you. It is also to your credit that you are here asking for advice, wanting to help her. Patience, time and reassurance will help no end, naughtiness may well ensue as a result. Good luck to you both.
The lines of communication might be a bit hard as she won't tell me why or what about to reassure her, all she's told me is she suffers anxiety. When I ask for sexual things I don't get the feeling that it's uncertainty or hesitation that's stopping, I feel it's a flat out no regardless
She never used to be this way (with anxiety I mean) so don't get what has caused it. (I've known her a long time) If it was anxiety over trying something new that she thinks is a bit taboo I would get it but I think this is more general but specially sex
I suffer with anxiety too really badly and for me it was all about feeling comfortable enough to open up. For me sex is something so incredibly personal that it was hard to actually openly discuss it with someone else for a while even my SO. Also not to mention although he did try his best, everyone likes different things and it took a lot for me to build up the courage to actually tell him what I’d prefer because of the fear I might hurt his feelings (stupid now I write it but it was a genuine fear!) I’d try and just support her and make her feel comfortable being completely open and at ease with you. Again another major thing was me is I was super self conscious about my body and the anxiety I got from just worrying that he wouldn’t like it just put me off and made it impossible for me to relax enough to want to try new things. Now though with time and work we have an amazing sex life and always open to trying new things ☺️
To 'DontGetEnough';
I'm another (as most know on here) who suffers with anxiety due to sexual trauma. All I can say is communicate with your OH and talk about it. Get her to open up by explaining, the only way this can be dealt with is for you both to be completely honest with each other, however difficult this may seem to her. At the end of the day, there needs to be a reason why she has so much anxiety and if you don't know why, you'll be forever guessing. I know because I couldn't tell my hubby for 3 years and was having nasty mood swings, couldn't orgasm and allsorts. I'm still suffering now, some days I can do things sexually, some days I can't - which is somewhat frustrating. Luckily because I have been totally honest with him (once I'd built up the courage), and because he's a lovely man, my hubby has been very patient and understanding about this. I have been attending therapy and working on my issues, which definitely helps having that extra support.
I have been trying to make myself stronger sexually, by asking myself 'What I'm really into?', (such as bondage) but just taking it 🐌 slow. Lovehoney has helped because bondage has always been a naughty fantasy I'd like to try when I met the right person. With thanks to the site and forums, help and advice from others and the wonderful range of items they do, this made my fantasy start to be able to become real and possible. Please try and talk to your missus and reassure her that unless she opens up about this, only then you can work through things slowly together. Hope this helps you and warmest wishes and good luck to you both. xx
Excellent advice from everyone on here. x 😉
Another who can offer my perspective I’m also someone who sufferes high anxiety and sex related trauma. For me everything was really difficult. It took a while before I was totally comfortable with my partner. You need to be very gentle and my now hubby always made it clear that he was always willing to stop no matter what or how far we were into our fun. There were times I would just have a major panic and try to hide it from him and he could tell and would gently ask me what was wrong etc.
My advice really would be to work with her at her pace and don’t put pressure on her. She will need to feel safe with you, a week in is really soon for her to be totally comfortable with you (imho)
Will be a massive challenge but very rewarding if you can help her overcome this and have a fun and rewarding sex life xxx
I have anxiety but by talking with my husband him being understanding and having trust is the start to relaxing taking things slow talk about what ya want to happen and having a safe word so if ya gf starts to feel anxiety rearing its ugly head she can say the safe word and can slow or be gentle gf taking deep breaths can also help
Hi all, Sorry not been on the last few days. Thank you all for your answers and advice, much appreciated. F+F, it's been a few months now but known her for years lol. Sorry if my post give ya impression it's only been a week and I wanted everything to happen overnight
Reading your post it comes across like your biggest concern here is the sex, anxiety can affect a lot of people in many ways and if you had sex once and then it stopped she may just have a low sex drive. Stop worrying about wanting “naughty” sex and try and communicate and learn about her, if you have feelings and you genuinely like this girl then you should be happy to wait. And don’t take this in a bad light, it’s just from my perspective as the last thing you want is to make things worse. A lot of people in new relationships take stuff slow, and just because she “used” to be quite sexually actively she’s probably grown up and changed a lot, or this could have all been hearsay. My suggestion is to respect her, talk and communicate about her feelings and her anxiety and learn about how you can help her and overcome boundaries as a couple. I was with someone who suffered massive anxiety attacks and over time we found the triggers and avoided these the best we could or at least made it comfortable for her in certain ways. Your partner may even be on the other side of the fence feeling exactly the same as you or maybe she just doesn’t want to come across as a bad person etc as she actually has real feelings. Remember sex isn’t everything and shouldn’t be something that runs your relationship.
Another here with anxiety. My anxiety is really severe and have been on meds for a very long time. Like Nat says, it's not something you can overcome. Some days are good, some bad. It can even lay dormant for long periods of time. Currently my anxiety is at a level 10, I text my husband daily to tell him what "level" I am on, it gives us both peace of mind. If I'm on a high level he knows not to frighten me, even simple things like slamming a door can cause me to burst into tears. Regards to sex with someone with anxiety, just be on alert. Like others have said meds can kill libido. It may be nothing to do with her anxiety but medication side effects. Talk to her, don't dive into it as you may cause more anxiety.
My OH suffers anxiety due to abuse and to be honest it permeates everything not just sex so just focussing on that will not help her much. You say you have known her a long time but even so there may be things that have happened she has never told you. She might have tried to hide her anxiety.
Anxiety is incredibly debilitating and needs lots of support emotionally. You cannot try anything adventurous until she feels comfortable and that takes a lot of support. Anyway wanting to do something that your OH is not comfortable with and pushing it is a surefire way to make the anxiety worse.
Completely seperately to the anxierty if you have only.been going out a short while i not suprised she might be anxious being asked for naughty sex. More advernturous stuff comes with knowing someone intimately for a while.