Over the years my partner has desired sex less and less and from our research its to do with her mental health, which we are sorting out.
When we do try and have sex I have begun to find it a chore, nothing I do seems to work and when I am lucky enough to find something she likes, within seconds she doesnt. Things tend to end the same way everytime, she gets frustrated and fed up then gives up.
So I am looking for tips and advice, to help me find understand what she needs and hopefully make me feel less like its chore trying to arouse her.
having had problems with mental health myself i can understand how she feels right now its very frustrating and if she is on medication this can also decrese her sex drive which it as done for me its so tough when you have mental health issues i do feel for you both but it does and can get better with time what i would say is chat with her about it she is the only person that can tell you how she is feeling and what she is wanting tbh i found that using kegal balls have helped me they make me horny :) i hope that everything is sorted soon for you both
the first step is sorting out her mental health, and it is good that you are doing that. It would be worth mentioning the lack of sex drive to whoever is helping with it (I assume it's medical professionals you are getting help from?) as there might be options to help.
try not to put pressure on her. When you don't feel yourself your moods can cycle quite rapidly and it can feel worse when there's someone else to worry about. try to figure out ways to satisfy you that she would be comfortable with - so that if she's not feeling it you can still have the intamacy and affection that comes with partner sex.
Think of ways that you can keep things going if she needs a break, or ways to switch things up if something simply isn't working.
you could also try relaxation techniques like a bath or massages or stuff, which would help her relax.
Thank you for the replies,
We are currently seeing a relationship counselor, who is trying to help us both air our demons. It is looking like my partner may need 1 on 1 help as well.
The worst bit is for a long time she would make sure i was satisfied any way she could, but recently she refuses to, even though our relationship seems better (a little).
The other night i thought something was going to happen as she was guiding me to what she liked and where. However as quickly as she liked something she didnt, which is rather frustrating.
I try to make her relaxed in any way i can, booze make her feel sick, massages and baths make her tired. Things have got so bad i dont even know her erogenous zones any more, if she even has any.
She does ocasionaly seem willing to try but I feel lost for ideas as to what.
Again thanks for your comments.
Hope everything works out GeekCharming. It’s a tough situation. It’s great that you’re seeing a counsellor and are being proactive about it. Mental health can affect any one of us and she’s lucky to have a partner to help her through it. So well done for trying, a lot of people would run for the hills.
Seeing a counsellor one on one sounds like a good idea for your OH. There are some great ones out there like my sis! Some specialise in psychosexual therapy too so they can also address the issue of lossed libido head on.
A relaxing massage and just curling up in bed together is a good place to start, even if she does feel sleepy it’s a good way to be intimate together without sex.
Most women have similar-ish erogenous zones: lips, ears, neck, nipples, lady parts ;) But tailbone, toes, backs/ inside of arms, back / inside of legs and fingers can get neglected. Don’t focus on this too much for now. I think kissing and curling up together comes first, especially if it seems like a chore to go any further at the moment.
It might be worth investing in a sex guide like one by Tracey Cox. She’s great at advice in situation like this and gives lots of great advice http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=1272. There is also this one which is targeted at couples who have been together for a long time http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=17904.
I hope this helps, and remember you can always log on here for support. There are also some great charities out there like Relate which can give you free and impartial advice at times like these too Xx
Is she on medication? Has her lose of libdo and change of moods happened since starting medications? I suffered postnatal depression and the first anti depressant I was out on took away my libdo completly. If my partner even tried to touch memo would snap at him. After I change my tablets I got my sexy drive back and became a happier person . Just an idea x
This might sound simplistic or even stupid, however having had an OH with certain mental health issues I would stand by it:
think sensual and not sexual
What I mean is, think about the act not the result - loving caresses, gentle teasing, soft massaging - don't try to make her cum, instead try to make her feel loved, relaxed and completely at ease. If you can do this, it'll go a long way to helping her achieve orgasm.
Thank you everyone.
She isn't on medication any more. She did have a full breakdown and was put on anti depresants 3 years ago, but she came of them about 6 months later.
TBH this has been a long time coming. Its been about 4 years since the issues started and she has only just accepted she needs help.
We are currently seeing a Relate Counceller, but we are only 3 weeks in so not much changing yet. She has become a little more relaxed recently but our line of work does everything it can to ruin that. We own a business so its not even easy for her to move on.
Again thank you for everything, glad i am trying to do the right thing, its just a tad frustrating after 4 years of little to nothing in that department.
Is she seeing her dr. She could be referred for counselling or cognitive behavioural therapy if antidepressants are not the route she wants to take. X
GeekCharming wrote:
Thank you everyone.
She isn't on medication any more. She did have a full breakdown and was put on anti depresants 3 years ago, but she came of them about 6 months later.
TBH this has been a long time coming. Its been about 4 years since the issues started and she has only just accepted she needs help.
We are currently seeing a Relate Counceller, but we are only 3 weeks in so not much changing yet. She has become a little more relaxed recently but our line of work does everything it can to ruin that. We own a business so its not even easy for her to move on.
Again thank you for everything, glad i am trying to do the right thing, its just a tad frustrating after 4 years of little to nothing in that department.
Understandably frustrating, but well done for supporting your partner like this. As I said before so many people would up sticks and leave Xx