Anxiety when comes to sex?

We ended up making out last night, first time since November, ended up with him finishing all over my hands and he returned the favour, now all im craving and thinking about is how turned on and hard he was and how wet it got me, this will play on my mind for days now and slowly goes as i know will be long time before it happens again, i will mention here, he is a shift worker and our daughter is of the age where she knows the birds and bees LOL.

We been together nearly 10 and in the last 6 years gone long periods in-between sex sometimes 9 months, which does give me alot of anxiety initiating or getting down to it. In the moment my mind does start then overthinking? Even when i know its coming and hes kissing me like he wants it and touches me it makes me so nervous. does anyone else get like this? Is there anything i can do?


Not sure what the question is here. Are you anxious about the act of love making with your partner and apprehensive about being intimate. Or are you anxious about initiating sex and being concerned about rejection by your partner.

I guess all of the above, i have tried many times to which he turns over as hes tired. Ive changed alot as a person throughout the time together and he is so supportive. I can’t knock him in that sense but i have cravings

Can I ask does your partner mainly work nights or is it a rotating shift pattern, also do you have family or friends nearby who could take your daughter for periods of time, or is she older than that?

It is about finding time for yourselves.

mainly nights with an odd day here and there, shes to old for that and we have family closest 2-3hrs away. I also run my own business fulltime so its hard to get time, i would say its whats missing from our relationship, the only time i feel close is when having sex.

I think that you might have identified the issue and given your limited time together there might be an element of performance anxiety when you manage to get together.

If your daughter is old enough, then she should understand enough to give you space, or at the very least respect your privacy and sanctity of your bedroom.

You need to make time for each other and plan date nights, or periods when you can be together. It doesn’t need to be sexual at the start, make it sensual and mske time for each, perhaps starting with sensual massages and see where it takes you. A special meal so you can reconnect without the pressure to perform.

Learn to relax with yourself so perhaps masturbation may help and remove anxiety around sex.

A key will be communications between you, and that can be achieved in a non-threatening setting, such as having a meal, and openly talk about what you want your sex lives to be.

The fact that your partner doesn’t want to discuss the issue could be embarrassment or the problem might seem huge, but broken into smaller chunks you might find a way through. If you open the dialogue then your partner might follow your lead.

If your daughter understands the birds and the bees, then she should understand that you need your time together and I would be sure that she has friends she could hang with for a few hours. That would give you and your partner time for each other.

Remember sex should be enjoyable. But having a partner who you connect with is very important and should be cherished, I would be sure that your partner would not want you to anxious.

1 Like

I guess there isn’t anything you can do as such with anxiety before sex but if it’s wanting more sex on a frequent basis and trying to initiate it then I’d say practice makes perfect!
Will feel a little odd to start with but the more you attempt it and put into practice then the lesser your anxiety will feel when it comes to that build up if makes sense?!

The obvious suggestion would be to schedule sex. You probably also need to schedule some date nights/romantic time too.

Is there a way you can work on non sexual intimacy? It is very possible to feel close to a partner without sex but it will take an element of prioritising each other, communication and effort if there is not a lot of that going on at the moment.
As you get more comfortable with these things, you may start to feel more comfortable adding in more intimate acts.
Once the pressure on sex is removed it’s more likely those hot and heavy feelings you both get will be easier to attain.

I felt like this not so long ago and due to forced abstinence I have well and truly learned that I had put way too much on sex and that as long as we work on being present and intimate with each other in other ways (cuddling before sleep, lingering touches in passing, kissing goodbye and hello), you can go a long time without needing sex (however, it actually makes you both want it more). The key here is needing it. You’ll learn that sex is important, but you feel loved regardless of whether you have it or not, that would be the goal. And somewhat ironically the sex comes more easily after the pressure is off.

Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel? Have you asked them where they’re at with it all? You’ll hear it a lot here but communication is the most difficult thing but the answer to nearly everything!

I think you need to start at the beginning here and as many have already said, you HAVE to make time for each other, otherwise you end up being two people simply raising a child and living together.

Intimacy between a couple is so important and vital if both are to feel loved, safe and secure in the relationship; it’s as important as anything else. Work and childcare does get in the way, but making that time, at least once a week if possible is so important to your overall happiness and has to start there.

Good luck!


1 Like

I do understand maybe some of the anxiety that you feel, that once it’s over, that will be it for a while. My husband works long hours and he’s very dedicated in his work, and because of that, we only have sex on average once a week. We both also WFH now, so my old solo sessions are but a distant memory -probably wouldn’t set a good tone in the background of a conference call :joy:

So that leaves me, and probably like you, “getting it when I can”. I like it when it does happen, but then I experience a sense of sadness and anxiety that it probably won’t happen for a while after. We had a good thing, now we’ll probably go back to the humdrum of everyday life.

One thing I have taught myself is gratitude. I used to be involved with a man (I’m polyamorous) who was in the Navy, and he was often on deployments. At least if he’s working shifts or working long hours, he will be home soon. My ex-metamour would go months without seeing her husband.

I definitely ecourage communication, and make sure he knows how much you desire him. Send him racy photos while he’s at work, take a few minutes out of your day to leave a voicemail for him that will make him eager to get home. Sometimes to get more of what we want, we have to go after what we want. Good luck to you both :slight_smile:

Im going to confront it head on, im going to bring it up but when hes off work, not while in a shift pattern.

1 Like

I have anxiety in day to live, im going to speak to him and bring it up again the lack of, i just hope it goes the way i wanted.

1 Like

I have tried this, and when it doesn’t happen its a knockback, its also hard with his schedule as its never consistent.

I have spoken to him in the past and expressed, i need the kissing, touching etc to feel close to him, he then works on it and then slowly by a week later, it fizzles out, sometimes i wonder if im enough or whats wrong with me, im on the bigger side and have put weight on during the relationship and so has he but i dont feel like he wants on needs me anymopre. i would love nothing more than to be more touchy but i only really feel connected and his desire during sex which is kinda what im craving.

Im trying on my end, ive tried but i feel like im not getting through to him, when we do get some time, its normally im tired, im starting to think is it me?

hes not the one for sexting, ive tried this, its weird he is a bit akward in that sense, i feel like im going in circles in my head, that im now like is it me?

I know what you mean, my husband isn’t one for sexting either. He’s not ashamed of sex and yet, if it’s not in front of him, it’s kind of… wrong?

I wouldn’t worry that it’s you. Most often it’s not, and they are just genuinely tired. How is non-sexual intimacy? Dare I ask, how would he feel about you masturbating, or helping you achieve orgasm? Sometimes just taking the performance pressure off can help.

He loves the thought of getting myself off while at work when ive sent pictures of toys being used, in recent years we aren’t very cuddly or kissy, we kiss and cuddle before work and before bed, maybe an odd here and there though out the day or if im having a down day, i let him know and if he’s home, he’s immediately there trying to cheer me up and same if he’s at work, he will call. I will note here i went through alot of struggles before him and a few years ago with him, he is what saved me. But overall intimacy lacks, its what i need i feel, i need to feel that love there.

1 Like

You need to tell him or this will fester.

As many have said, see whether he will see a sex therapist or counsellor with you.

It isn’t unusual for the passion to wane in a ling term relationship, complacency can creep in, it can be difficult to keep things fresh. But perhaps taking sex off the menu, and just spending quality time together, might get you to where you want to be, sensual massages to relax you both might work.