Should I tell OH I’ve been using a vibrator!

Been with hubby for 21 years and the past 18 months he’s just not been interested in anything sex related. If I try to start anything he says that he’s tired, not in the mood and bluntly “leave me alone”!!! He used to always try it on and it was me saying “no” but the past 2 years my sex drive has bounced right back and I hate that I’m not having anything!!! I’ve bought 3 vibrators from LH the past 2 years. The bullet was the first which was good but felt I needed more. Bought a rabbit but didn’t like it so now have LH silencer which is good (I only use it on the outside rather than in my vagina). So I’ve 2 questions for you! 1) can you recommend any other good toys for solo play? 2) Do I tell him I’ve been using toys (he is definitely unaware) and how do I do it?
Xx

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1)  no, I have different body bits 2) yes - he might want to help you out with that, it’s less pressure on him knowing he doesn’t have to ‘perform’

I’d say wait until he’s asleep, lube it up, shove it up his **** and switch it on. “Guess what honey”? :stuck_out_tongue:

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What do you mean you’ve got different body bits? I’m probably being think!!

So tempted to do this! :joy::joy:

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@CLJ - you have a mischievous streak, yes? :rofl:

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I can only recommend man toys hun x

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Toy recommendations - well that depends what sort of thing you are looking for. Do you want clitoral toys or would you like to try some vaginal toys or anal toys? Do you have any requirements like it has to be really quiet or completely waterproof? What sort of budget? Generally though, I’d suggest looking at some of the kits Lovehoney do. That way you get a selection of toys to try out and see what works and what doesn’t work for you.

Telling your husband - up to you. Do you think he would be hurt and betrayed if he found out? For some people the idea of their partner masturbating without them is no big deal but there are some people who would be upset. Which group do you think your husband falls into? Are you actively hiding the fact you are using toys or are you just not telling him about it? Some people will say there isn’t a difference between those two, some will see a difference.

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Communication is the key, he may find or work it out in the long run anyways. Just have a direct conversation, where you say it’s not about him and he has nothing to worry about but is welcome to participate and help if he wants to.

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Welcome to the forum! :blush:

I think you should be honest with him and tell him.

Regarding toys, it depends on what kind of thing you want - something to use internally or externally? Vibrator or dildo? Wand? Would you prefer power or gentle?

If you can give us some guidance, I’m sure people will be able to give recommendations, obviously with the caveat that everyone is different and likes different things.

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I wouldn’t tell him yet. I’d try again with him for sex and if he’s still not interested then tell him you’re thinking of getting a dildo/vibrator and get his reaction to that. That way when you do tell him he shouldn’t feel as hurt or shocked by it

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Telling him on your own terms in a situation you can somewhat control is 1000% better than him finding a toy or finding you using the toy if he really has no idea.

I would go along the lines of a quiet chat somewhere neutral (restaurant, cafe or even just the kitchen) and tell him how you are feeling (that your sexual desire is re-awakening) but you don’t want to pressure him for participation if he’s not up for it so have been exploring ways of satisfying your needs by yourself (make it clear you aren’t looking outside the relationship).

You could show him one of the toys and state that you bought it as a way to meet your needs without pressuring him. I absolutely would not do this “just after” you have tried to initiate sex and he has declined. I would wait a short period so that it doesn’t come across that you are bitter about the lack of sex.

I would steer clear of showing something like a lifelike dildo or similar, but that silencer you mentioned or a bullet is fairly tame looking and less likely to get his heckles up.

I would let him absorb the conversation before broaching it again, but I would think a follow up is absolutely required as he may have questions.

You haven’t stated other elements of your marriage, but I assume all else is well, its just the lack of sex? Is he intimate in other ways (kissing, cuddling on the couch, hold your hand when you are out etc or is there not much of that either?

You havent stated your age or his but is he shying away from sex due to performance issues? Is it something he would discuss? Does he masturbate? If he does have performance anxiety, has he consulted his doctor? Could be low testosterone effecting his ability to become aroused.

No short answer as it can be a complicated issue.

Good luck

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I think you need to have a sit down chat with him away from the bedroom.
It is very strange for a man not to be interested, when his partner obviously is, as in your case.
Tell him you miss the connection and want to have an active sex life and maybe the introduction of some toys etc might be fun.
I hope starting a conversation with him helps, but if he has personal psychological or physical issues going on, it might get them out in open. Once discussed it’s a step towards resolving.
That might not be the case with your OH of course and he has just lost interest. For your sake I hope you revive it. We all deserve a good sex life.
I love knowing my OH can have some personal time whenever she feels like it.
I recently bought her the womaniser pro, which she has now tried with and without me and loved it… gave her a very intense orgasm which I love seeing.
Best of luck.

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As a guy and if I was in that kind of situation I think I’d rather have my wife let me know she has toys than find them in a hidden draw. As to how you tell him I’m not sure.

I agree with a lot of the rest of the posters here that watching my missed use toys or using them on her is a huge turn on and you might find it boosts his interest in sex again.

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Most definitely! (Plus am very sexually frustrates at the moment so any way to get my kicks!!) :joy::joy:

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Thank you so much everyone for the advice! There is no chance of him finding it as he’s not the sort to go rummaging through my bedside table, I also know that he has no idea I’ve got one or that I ever would have one.

In regards to his sex drive I honestly don’t think he masturbates (currently anyway), he’s never been the lovey dovey and tactile kind so no PDA’s, he will hold my hand if we are out but I have to initiate it, he doesn’t really do cuddles anymore and the only kissing is from when I kiss him goodnight when I go to bed. He’s just lost all interest in physical contact with me. I’m 100% sure he’s not having an affair (with lockdown he doesn’t go anywhere and is working from home full time) so that isn’t an issue. He’s 42 and I’m 40 so definitely not old :joy:. You are right the conversation does need to be had with him about it as it’s driving me mad now!!!

Toy wise, I like the clitoral stimulation, wasn’t keen on the toy being inserted but that could be it was the wrong type of toy for me. I’m ok with anal but want more vaginal at the moment. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!! I don’t have a huge amount of budget but am open to suggestions! :raised_hands:t2::raised_hands:t2:

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Hi @CLJ. It definitely sounds like you need to talk to him. I have a much higher sex drive than my OH but he still enjoys sex, (just not as often as me!) And he loves to cuddle and hold hands. What is the rest of your relationship like if you don’t mind me asking? Do you enjoy doing other things together, spending time together?
I’m probably not the best person to recommend toys to you since I don’t like vaginal toys and I have a very sensitive clitoris! I have a couple of vibrators that I use externally but they are really old ones. I enjoy anal toys more than anything else. Hopefully my reply will bump this up and someone with more similar tastes to you might have some suggestions.

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I am vagina-less but the Lovehoney Super Smoothie Classic Vibrator 7 Inch is my current favourite toy and is not expensive. Putting it on the slowest speed and lightly touching, pressing or rubbing it through my briefs does it for me. It’s slightly juddery rather than just buzzy like my mini bullet. :heartbeat:

yes

So impressed with this product