Hi everyone, I've been on here for a few years and think I may have posted this before but can't figure out if I have.
Basically my OH and I are in a rutt. I'm 30 and she is 39 turning 40 this year. We used to have a really amazing sex life, we had our daughter who is now 7 and my son is 4 but after my daughtera birth things literally fizzled out. I've tried everything from sitting down and talking (which she won't do as she says it makes her uncomfortable), I've written letters, bought games for us to play to try and bring a spark back, bought her toys, surprised her with weekend breaks away just the two of us and still nothing. I tell her how beautiful she is every day and how much I love her and still nothing,i mean we will have sex once in a blue moon and when we do it's honestly quite boring and I actually sometimes feel guilty like Im making her so something she doesn't want to. I will admit sometimes I get quite angry and upset but try my hardest not to. I'm faithful and have never cheated, I work hard to provide for my family and help out with everything around the house aswell when I get home from work, I don't drink so I'm not at the pub or anything every night, I'm a devoted dad and would rather spend time with my kids and OH but it's getting difficult. I'm at a loss and any tips or tricks anyone can recommend would be really appreciated. Thank you in advance for any help.
Hi there,
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's an all too common issue in relationships though unfortunately and it will be hard to solve if she refuses to talk about things. Sex is clearly important to you, so communication of some sort needs to happen. If she isn't willing to discuss or reach some form of compromise, then you may have to ask yourself difficult questions regarding the rest of your relationship. Can you be happy being in an almost sexless relationship for the rest of your life? If not, you may have to consider other options such as ending the relationship and finding someone who is more compatible with you sexually.
Is there any reason she says she feels 'uncomfortable' talking about sex? It should be a topic that couples can talk freely about, so getting to the bottom of her discomfort would be a good starting point. Is it because of a low libido or medical issue? Body confidence problems? Could it be that she doesn't want to disappoint you by turning down new ideas or more sex? Or even that she doesn't feel there's an issue? Whatever the problem is I would start there and see if she will discuss her thought processes on the situation.
Could it be a physical thing after she gave birth? Women can feel quite strange in their vaginas after the trauma of giving birth, and if there were any complications (tearing), this is only more likely to put them off. After such a long time from your last child's birth, I can't imagine that there is still any unprepared damage, but the mental scarring may still be there.
Have you tried professional counselling?
she may or may not think there is a problem, she could very well be in mom mode, focussing solely on the needs of the children and not herself or your relationship.
Until she opens up and talks though, it's all guess work
Thank you both for your replies.
She just plain refuses to talk about anything sex related, she has also said that she doesn't feel its a problem. Sex is definitely important to me and I don't think I'm wrong in wanting to have decent sex in my life.
As far as child birth, both children were born uncomplicated an no issues, pretty smooth sailing really (as far as complications etc go I'm by no means saying it wasn't traumatic in some way). I have also suggested counselling but again she refuses. I'm at a loss to be honest.
I've been in your situation. Post kids it took me nearly 5 years after my youngest was born to face up to our problems. I used to hate sex, I'd freeze and block out any attempt by my hubby to instigate sex. Birthdays, anniversaries, valentines etc put me in a blind panic. It only eased when I found the courage to talk to hubby.
I can see where your OH is, but she needs to realize that it is causing you problems. If she wont attend counselling would you be prepared to go alone? They may be able to help you with ways to address the problems with her. She may also see that you're serious about working through things and might feel able to join you down the line.
I'm more than willing to try anything, and if it means going to counselling on my own then that won't be a problem at all. Thank you for your input all, really appreciate it.