I’ll get right down to it. My housemate (24M) is going through an absolutely rubbish time at the moment. His car failed its MOT and is being written off (he’s had it about 9 months). He’s had some exam results back really late due to his college messing up which has been stressing him out. Now his work are refusing to support his career progression by sending him on a HND despite him being there for 5 years and them promising that since he started. His girlfriend was quite grievously ill not long ago and is in recovery at the moment, so he’s trying to support her. They were meant to go away this weekend but due to the car fiasco he’s had to cancel, she lives about an hour and a half’s drive away. Oh, and if you’ve seen the Rant Thread you’ll also know we have fleas.
All in all I’m worried. He is not the type to confide in other people, I’ve only overheard all of this from fraught conversations he’s had with his parents. He’s putting a brave face on it but it’s clear something is up. He’s started heavily smoking again after quitting 2 years ago and staying out really late (don’t know where or who with). If he’s not out he’s holing himself away in his room. I truly haven’t seen him other than in passing in the hallway for days.
Basically, I’d like to support him or do something nice for him but I am really at a loss as to how or what. Next time I get him 1 on 1 in the kitchen I’m going to ask him what’s up, but any ideas on the nice gesture I could offer as well?
Thought I’d post in here as it’s anonymous and a great diverse, non-judgemental mix of people and I’m a bit at a loss. Thanks lovelies!
As a guy that really struggles to convey his feelings or emotions to others I would say just asking him will do him the world of good if he is down but don’t just go with the “How are you” as it’s very impersonal and very easily dodged.
Try and ask him how he is whilst highlighting that you have noticed he seems a little off, try and not be intrusive and question his behaviours such as why he’s staying out late but something along the lines of…
“hey, … I’ve noticed that you don’t seem like yourself lately and I’m worried that you might be a little down and just wanted to check in”
If he simply replies with oh I’m fine and shrugs it off then give him his space and just let me know that your there if he ever does need to talk.
Also its great your looking out for your housemate, so go you!
What does he do with his spare time? Get involved with something he enjoys but you normally steer clear of. Even if its completely out of your depth, he’d appreciate the effort and say you did it to cheer him up as you’ve noticed he’s been through a tough time lately.
Ok so update: heard him go out for a cig and went downstairs to “bump into him” on his way back in from the garden. I eased into the conversation by pointing out the smoking smell and asking if he was stressed. He confirmed everything that I’d gathered about what’s going on at the moment and we chatted for a while. I offered to put him on my car insurance til he can find a new one which hopefully eases one of the stresses! Thanks for the advice @JustSomeFun it was great.
Ah he’s T total after developing a bit of a drinking problem at the start of lockdown! Trying to avoid suggesting that as a coping mechanism especially as the smoking has gone from 0-100.
Definitely go for it! If you’re terrible at it then he’ll have a laugh at your expense which will help take his mind off things and if you’re good at it, he’ll love that he’s introduced you to it and you’ll have a new hobby!
Climbing sounds like a great idea, will take his mind off things and will Ben great exercise as you said in yesterday’s thread that your finding it hard to motivate yourself and find the time, will do you both the world of good
Ah bonne idée mon ami @Melody1
Truly we don’t hug at all and it’s something that I’ve missed terribly in this COVID world. Might be good for the both of us as well.
I’m as stoic as they come do everything you are doing and he will open up to you and talk to more so you can maybe suggest other things that could help. You are being a great friend
@VanillaWithSprinkles I’m that way as I’m autistic and suffer from stress anxiety and depression so I recognise how your friend is reacting to all that is happening to him.
He won’t ask for help but if he is anything like me inside he crying out for someone to help him. You helping him probably means more to him than you will ever know.
Even if he doesn’t talk about it, having you offer to talk about it will be a massive help to him. Knowing that there is someone who will listen if you needed to is almost as good as talking about it! You’re being a great friend!
It’s just struck me as so funny that I do all of this at work without a second thought! I work solely with adult males going through probably the worst times of their lives. Then again there I have my clinical neuropsychologist supervisor to bounce ideas off. Just so different when it’s happening in your personal life.
No problem at all and great job you’ve probably boosted his mood a tone just by him knowing your looking out for him!
I have had a couple of friends that have been down for numerous reasons thankfully most of them reached out or at least hinted but when we get that little inkling it’s good to carefully dig just to see if someone needs that help.
As others have said a hug is a huge comfort blanked even guy to guy, we’ll it is for me anyway but we can’t really do that but we can offer our time to listen or spend time with people to brighten their day.
@VanillaWithSprinkles what a lovely caring person you are! I think you have done all the right things in getting him to talk and try and help out. We all go through certain periods where a clusterfuck of bad fortune drags us to our lowest ebb. Having friends and colleagues who are willing to help is priceless. It’s one of the reasons i love this forum, everyone is so helpful and supportive. It’s nice to see people like you carry it over to real life.
especially as the smoking has gone from 0-100.
