Rant Thread - Get it all out here

Hello 

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And go for it get it off your chest... 

After a lifetime of being very athletic - gym stuff and martial arts classes, I've packed all of that in and am only doing the group exercise classes...very intense and a lot of fun...

The thing with the classes is that there's one or two guys and about thirty women - I'm friends with all of the regulars and instructors, chat/joke before, after, during classes...meet up outside of class to help people practice for their instructor exams etc...

I find it deeply frustrating when there's a new face and they immediately assume that my friendly hello means something more...scowling at me whilst saying hi to the other women, or going in to "I don't fancy you" body language overdrive...and this goes on until they realise that you're mates with everybody else there...and then they want to be friendly like nothing happened...which I am, because I kind of get it and I'm not an idiot.

Extending from this are the ones, who can't seem to take their eyes off you when they think you can't see (mirrors on all walls)...but then scowl when you smile.

As I say - I do get it...I don't make assumptions about what experiences other people have had that lead them to certain behaviours...and academically, it is interesting...and I'll be the first to admit that there are women in the classes that I find attractive...but lord it's frustrating.

Sorry this might end up long, I really don’t know how I should feel now.

So New Year’s Day and old friend/neighbour got in touch, complimenting me a new photo I had posted in Facebook, I find him attractive too so this was extraordinary and very exciting. We have been out a few times and despite him being quite effectionate and ‘touchy’ it hasn’t really progressed.

Since new year he has lost two jobs to which I have been nothing but supportive but I still can’t get out of him why he lost either job.

He said he was getting rid of Facebook (digital detox) bit I had doubts as I was pretty sure he kept his profil active and just unfriended me.

Nearly 3 weeks ago he was sending his phone off for repair but said he would have a temporary one in a few days so I didn’t expect him to be out of contact for long.

He has been online because he updated his Facebook picture but his profile has only 5 friends (not me) so he could have got in touch, he also knows where I live.

Today he has finally got in touch again, like he hasn’t been away.

This doesn’t sit right but at the same time i’m weak for him. He’s very easy going and most likely doesn’t think anything of disappearing for 3 weeks but...I just have questions and I don’t know how to pick this up again without sounding like a crazy person, i’m weak but also kinda feel like it could be more hurt than it’s worth.

AmyA wrote:

Sorry this might end up long, I really don’t know how I should feel now.

So New Year’s Day and old friend/neighbour got in touch, complimenting me a new photo I had posted in Facebook, I find him attractive too so this was extraordinary and very exciting. We have been out a few times and despite him being quite effectionate and ‘touchy’ it hasn’t really progressed.

Since new year he has lost two jobs to which I have been nothing but supportive but I still can’t get out of him why he lost either job.

He said he was getting rid of Facebook (digital detox) bit I had doubts as I was pretty sure he kept his profil active and just unfriended me.

Nearly 3 weeks ago he was sending his phone off for repair but said he would have a temporary one in a few days so I didn’t expect him to be out of contact for long.

He has been online because he updated his Facebook picture but his profile has only 5 friends (not me) so he could have got in touch, he also knows where I live.

Today he has finally got in touch again, like he hasn’t been away.

This doesn’t sit right but at the same time i’m weak for him. He’s very easy going and most likely doesn’t think anything of disappearing for 3 weeks but...I just have questions and I don’t know how to pick this up again without sounding like a crazy person, i’m weak but also kinda feel like it could be more hurt than it’s worth.

All of this sets off alarms for me. If he can’t or won’t answer your questions and he’s not working as a super secret spy for the government then I would suspect there’s a reason he was gone for three weeks without getting in touch.

A lot of what you posted sounds like he is a man making excuses to avoid contact unless it’s on his terms, when he wants it. You deserve better than that.

AmyA wrote:

Sorry this might end up long, I really don’t know how I should feel now.

So New Year’s Day and old friend/neighbour got in touch, complimenting me a new photo I had posted in Facebook, I find him attractive too so this was extraordinary and very exciting. We have been out a few times and despite him being quite effectionate and ‘touchy’ it hasn’t really progressed.

Since new year he has lost two jobs to which I have been nothing but supportive but I still can’t get out of him why he lost either job.

He said he was getting rid of Facebook (digital detox) bit I had doubts as I was pretty sure he kept his profil active and just unfriended me.

Nearly 3 weeks ago he was sending his phone off for repair but said he would have a temporary one in a few days so I didn’t expect him to be out of contact for long.

He has been online because he updated his Facebook picture but his profile has only 5 friends (not me) so he could have got in touch, he also knows where I live.

Today he has finally got in touch again, like he hasn’t been away.

This doesn’t sit right but at the same time i’m weak for him. He’s very easy going and most likely doesn’t think anything of disappearing for 3 weeks but...I just have questions and I don’t know how to pick this up again without sounding like a crazy person, i’m weak but also kinda feel like it could be more hurt than it’s worth.

I totally agree with NatandTom. You really do deserve better and sure we all have a day or two where we just want to be left alone but not 3 weeks of it. Hate to say it but it sounds like he is just playing games. Get rid and wait for "the one" who treats you right and gives you the attention you deserve.

Thank you for your replies, I have known him since we were kids although didn’t see him through our teenage years so I know he has been through some crap which has left him with some issues and some odd thought processes and on one hand I want to make allowances for that and show him there is good things but at the same time I don’t want to be that girl/woman making excuses for terrible behaviour or the person trying to ‘save’ someone if they don’t want to change things.

AmyA wrote:

Thank you for your replies, I have known him since we were kids although didn’t see him through our teenage years so I know he has been through some crap which has left him with some issues and some odd thought processes and on one hand I want to make allowances for that and show him there is good things but at the same time I don’t want to be that girl/woman making excuses for terrible behaviour or the person trying to ‘save’ someone if they don’t want to change things.

Only you will know if he is worth the risk. If he has had problems in the past then it might be a case of he is scared of being hurt or even scared of being happy. This shouldn't come at the cost of your own happiness though and if it gets to the point where you are treading on eggshells and not being treated with the respect you deserve you really need to look at calling it a day. We all make allowances and make excuses from time to time but if thats all we do there is something wrong.

Thank you, think you pretty much hit the nail on the head with being scared and also that i’ll just have to try and assess the risk (and if it’s worth it) before deciding whether to continue and whether that is going to be as friends or more. Hmm.

If you do like him and still want to give him a chance, give him one opportunity to be honest with you. If he wants to change things, he’ll take it. If he doesn’t, he’ll make excuses. If he’s scared but wants to progress things, let him know that honesty has to be a part of going forward with someone and that he can trust you. It’s then up to him whether he’s ready to overcome the fear or not.

I have to disagree with you there NatandTom, i think thr ultimatum may well make him clam up even more. When a relationship is in the making you kind of want to put yourself across in as good a light as possible and try and hide any sort of problems you may be having personally. He may not feel comfortable opening up so soon if he doesn't feel 100% comfortable in himself. As a guy i would say that we are hard wired into the thinking that we have to protect our possible significant othee and the thought of not being able to do this emotionally is really hard and kind of scary.

I would say try and take the pressure of yourself and him by looking at the relationship now as a friends with benefit kind of situation letting him know that you are there to support him as a friend and a lover. See how it progresses over a couple of months if things haven't improved then you have more to go on.

Oh I didn’t mean as an ultimatum or even to give him the chance now! I think I worded it badly there and it came out wrong.

I meant more along the lines of if she reaches a point where it becomes make or break, a gentle reminder that honesty is a key part of any type of relationship may persuade him to begin opening up a bit. It doesn’t have to happen over night cause that’s unrealistic, but for him to just give something back to her so she knows where she stands would be good. If he knows that he can trust her with something small to start with, he then has the opportunity to decide if he wants to progress with her and start slowly working through his fears if he wants to.

Totally agree with you there NatandTom there has to be a point where if things don't improve then it has to be confronted. 😀

I was pretty sure you didn't mean an ultimatum as such and you've now put it onto much better words than I have been able to, I need to see that he understands honesty is an absolute requirement moving forward, not all at once as you say, I appreciate it takes time to be able to open up, but I can't have anyone think I willL accept being lied to. Thank you both for your view points, it's very helpful,

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn but If that was me I'd walk away - something is clearly going on...the first stages of a relationship are supposed to be fun, exciting and all of that...

...nobody is perfect, but as adults we have the right to expect that our new love interest has at least the majority of their act together...or the wherewithal to take a break from dating while they sort themselves out...

I'm sorry if that is a little abrupt - I love quirky people, eccentricities, people with rough edges, happy days, sad days...I'll embrace it all...but weirdness that undermines the fabric of the relationship itself, especially in the early days, no.

If he can`t be honest about why he lost the jobs, and makes excuses for not contacting you, walk away.A relationship based on secrets and lies is going nowhere.

I'm feeling a bit lost. My OH is not in a place for lovemaking (mentally). He is too stressed, tired, in pain, and just not up to it.

Its been ages now. I'm a twice a day girl, ideally, but it's been solo play for 6 weeks now. Toys serve a purpose but I do miss the feel of my OH.

He is feeling rubbish, to the point that he wrote his will last week, which is a big thing for him. I hope his health improves and we can get back to a full and fun relationship.

Fun Louise wrote:

I'm feeling a bit lost. My OH is not in a place for lovemaking (mentally). He is too stressed, tired, in pain, and just not up to it.

Its been ages now. I'm a twice a day girl, ideally, but it's been solo play for 6 weeks now. Toys serve a purpose but I do miss the feel of my OH.

He is feeling rubbish, to the point that he wrote his will last week, which is a big thing for him. I hope his health improves and we can get back to a full and fun relationship.

Bless him, i hope he improves soon. It is hard when one is going through a tough time and it will always have a knock on effect to the OH. Hopefully you will feel that closeness again soon. Best wishes.

Thanks K&c30's, I'm very patient, but I miss his touch.

I have made a worrying discovery, or rather a loss, I can't find this https://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=34536

Im not sure where it could be? It's not where it should be, but I don't know when it dissapeared either as its not a toy I use at home much, because of its size, it's often a travelled toy. So I fear I may have left it somewhere? Wales would be my best guess. We go there twice a year, but. . . not sure I can ask, "by the way did you find my sex toy?"

Maybe it can be the excuse to buy the we vibe I have been looking at, or do I buy a replacement Neo? Need to save.

Fun Louise wrote:

I'm feeling a bit lost. My OH is not in a place for lovemaking (mentally). He is too stressed, tired, in pain, and just not up to it.

Its been ages now. I'm a twice a day girl, ideally, but it's been solo play for 6 weeks now. Toys serve a purpose but I do miss the feel of my OH.

He is feeling rubbish, to the point that he wrote his will last week, which is a big thing for him. I hope his health improves and we can get back to a full and fun relationship.

Oh Louise, that’s all a bit naff hon! I do hope he starts to pick up soon X

No need to reply - not been around in months

Just feel crap. Not even 4hrs together this week, don't get me wrong the sex was amazing despite feeling absolutely lousy (virus since wkend but hid feeling blah as only have a day together well 4ish hrs). We showered together after but unlike usually washing each other my chest got a quick wash then I showered alone. I feel disconnected like ships in the night that meet once a week, have sex then go back to whatever we were doing. I know he loves me and I love him, but I miss him I miss us. I even sleep on either side of the bed now as he's away with work haven't woken up together here in over a year it's hotels when I go for the night & come back the next day while he works. Wish I could feel secure but I worry we're slowly drifting to less than we are/were year by year. He's my bear I love him so much just can't shake the feeling of being less than