I don’t pay attention to reviews really. Lovehoney are like any other company in that they are selective in publishing reviews. I had an example of this while trying to give a negative review of a Lovehoney branded item. I won’t go into detail but the review was never published.
I’ve seen plenty of negative reviews and posted a fair few myself. As long as the language is appropriate I believe they post all reviews both positive and negative.
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Were they Lovehoney branded products though? Maybe they don’t mind negative reviews on other products. Was a while ago, maybe they changed but wasn’t a pleasant experience
I just had a look on the website for a quick check, I selected sex toys, filtered by Lovehoney brand and the first 4 on the list all include 1 star reviews 
, the rest probably do too but I didn’t go through them all.
I really do think all reviews are published because Lovehoney want people to make informed choices. If you have your review saved check through it to make sure there is nothing too explicit in it and no bad language. If it ticks those boxes I’d drop a message to @Lovehoney_Brenna to find out what happened.
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@Peitho as I said it was a while ago and before Brenna. And I had a different profile back then also. Don’t look to much into it just voicing an opinion on online reviews in general.
Love this thread, what a fab idea.
@Blonde_Bunny pretty much said it all 
but i thought id put my 2p in as the style of review i write is so very different to hers.
write the kind of review you want to read is probably the best advice i can give.
I come from a science back ground so i write quite analytical reviews. I look at it as crash testing an item. When i read reviews, i want to know the stuff they dont put in the product description. all the things you can only know by actually handling an item, using it, wearing it.
How it feel, how easy is to use, charge, how robust it is, what the colour is actually like when not seen through a screen. That kind of stuff.
Hell, you could include how it tastes as many people use dildos orally too. (I should probably do this more actually, but i don’t often think of sticking things in my mouth).
I use a notepad app too. Always put the product name at the top so i dont get lost, and the date the review needs to be in so i dont forget.
I dont usually mention packaging unless its really pretty (or you have to get the pliers out to get into it) and even then only briefly.
Get it out, handle it, recharge it, give the manual a read (its amazing how often listings don’t include charge times and battery length).
I make some rough notes as aid memoir. Write down things that pop into my head. How it felt in the hand. If the charger was a pain in the arse.
Flick through the settings. Get a feel for the different patterns and controls. Are they easy to use? What are the patterns like? (Reviews and listings often dont mention the patterns and it can be tricky info to find. Giving them a couple of sentences can be so helpful).
Do a sound check. Turn the vibe to max, Dump it on the duvet, go outside room and see if you can hear it though a closed door. Repeat with the loudest patterns. If it has a remote see if it will work through the door.
If its got a suction cup go and stick it to stuff round the house. The windows, mirrors, the doors, the tiles, hell even the fridge. Anywhere you can imagine someone using it. Try and get a range of textured surfaces. How well does it stick?can you tug it? will it put up with being jerked side to side?
can you get the blasted thing off again?
If its lingerie i give it a stretch, make sure everything’s sewn together well. Are there any errors? Is the fabric nice? The quality? The colour? Are the seams soft? Try and work out how its supposed to be go on (not always as easy as it sounds)
Make more notes
Then comes the fun bit. Test it, test it more than once. My first time is always slightly biased as its new and shiny.
(This one is actually harder than it sounds if you get a toy you really don’t get on with. Even if i completely loathe something i try to use it at least twice.)
Flick through all the settings, all the patterns. Mix it up. Stroke it, twist it, Grind against it. Use it externally, internally. Try everything you can think of (thats safe obviously. Dont use non anal safe toys anally). If youve got a partner, use it with them, on them. As foreplay, as the main event.
Is it heavy, easy to hold, are the buttons easy to find blind even when its on, did the vibration travel into the hand? How was the shape to use, did it hit the g/p spot, how did it feel. Etc.
Also how easy is it to clean. Are their recesses you struggle to scrub? Is it slippery when wet?
More notes
And This is the important bit, leave it 24hrs then make more notes. Gives me time to mull. How you feel about something in retrospect can seriously vary from how you felt at the time sometimes.
At this point my notes are usually a mess of sentences. Things like “so soft” “the charger keeps falling off” “vibes are slightly buzzy but patterns are nice” “sound was distracting”
Give everything a read then start writing. Start at the beginning. First impressions. How it feels in the hand etc.
Discribe the vibe quality. Is it strong, weak, buzzy, rumbly? The patterns, The volume. Was it well made, durable, soft? What did you like, what did you hate? Did you climax? Etc, etc.
If its lingerie list your size (and cup size). The size of the item. How true to size it was. Was it comfortable? How was the fit? Stand in front of a mirror and see how it looks (stand in front of a partner and see their expression too). Most importantly did it make you feel sexy
Hack the review about. Dont be afraid to move bits till it flows naturally.
Try to be concise, informative, descriptive but not too explicit. Reread it and dont be shy of chop out anything unessirary. (If your me, also check the spelling *alot)
Don’t be afraid to say you hated something. We’ve all had one, a toy that looked great did not survive contact. I try to write balanced reviews, even if its something that didn’t work for me , someone else might like it. I figure people will make their own minds up if i give them the info. But I’m going to say if i disliked something and why.
Most of all i think, have fun
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I have got to say I think variety is the spice for life so I love seeing all types of review. I love @Blonde_Bunny and @Green_Eyed_Girl are excellent and very well created. Well done to everyone who writes reviews
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Brilliant write up @Green_Eyed_Girl, I love it!
I think we both pretty much go through exactly the same routine when testing and trying an item. For vibrations I even tend to put the toy in the empty bath just to see how loud it may be if someone was to try it in the tub 
Although we slightly write the review with differing styles, I think our thorough testing is all but identical - assuming you have a take your toy to work day too 
Thanks @steve19, I absolutely love the variety too, I really do hope more members will upload to the My Reviews topic, I love reading them 
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@Blonde_Bunny 
yes, we definetly approach it from different directions but are after the same thing in the end. All the dirty secrets.
Ive actually never tub tested anything, mostly due to living in a house where i cant get away with it. Though i have shower tested some items. My toys dont go on vacation to work with me 
though it does sound fun. Naughty secrets are the best ones after all
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Thanks for this @Green_Eyed_Girl 
The washing of recesses is a very good point to cover. I hate it when you wash something, but then go to check on it a few hours later and there’s some dried-out lube tucked into a crevice where only a little finger nail can reach.
But my favourite takeaway from your post is “stick it to the fridge”
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Half the trick is thinking up the important point to cover really. Everything else is just expressing it clearly without waffling (which admittedly, im a tad guilty of)
Yeah i came up with fridge after the suction cup on the mini sex machine refused to stick to 98% of everything in the house. Sounds fun though if your fridge is in the right place. Plus has the added bonus of an easily cleaned floor if you want to play with food.
Kind of where you expect to find a spit roast after all 
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snigger
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I try and be consistent on tone and direction, I remember a tale told to me by a manager about presenting a submission to the higher ups (now this was many years ago and reflects the commonly accepted tone of phrases at the time) -
He/Shes fat, He/shes ugly, He/Shes smells bad, He/Shes doesn’t have a job, He/Shes lazy, He/Shes has no friends and He/Shes only wants to leech off you, so I married Him/Her.
In essence, if you feel after your testing that you really like or dislike a toy, don’t lead the reader down the wrong path, the conclusion should match the expectations from reading the blurb.
Thats not to say you can’t point out some positive or negative things about a toy, but it should still support the conclusion / rating.
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And sometimes less is just less!
At least they’re positive about it, much more annoying when something you’re interested in gets a low rating with no explanation as to why.
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My process is basically the same as others, except I use a notebook, so it probably isn’t that helpful to repeat what others have said but I figured the majority of this thread is talking about toys, so here is my lingerie review process (which, in fairness, isn’t a million miles away from how I write any other review).
This first thing I make a note of is the size of the item, mainly because I always forget by the time it comes to writing the review.
The first time I try the piece on it is purely for the sake of trying it on and when I have plenty of time. I make sure that it fits, I adjust anything that is adjustable to my liking and just see how I feel in it. I have a bit of a wiggle and a jiggle to make sure I can move in it and that I’m not falling out of it. Even if I planned to wear the piece with other things, I only try on the individual item or, if it is a set, whatever it comes with. I then make some initial notes about how it fit, how easy it was to put on, and anything that instantly jumps out at me.
I normally give pieces a couple of days before trying them on again (time permitting). It is partly a fluctuating body confidence thing, but I also think you know what you are getting when you try it on a second time and so it gives a bit more of a realistic picture. It is only after putting it on a second time that I might consider trying it on with others things (not everything needs it). I’ll add to my notes before reviewing the ones I’ve already written and seeing if I feel the same or if I’ve better answered any queries.
When it comes to lingerie (or anything that comes under that heading on here), where I intend to wear the piece does change (for example, some things I would only wear in the bedroom whilst others I wear to kink events). My process changes a little depending on where I intend to wear it and how long I have to write the review but I do try to give it a good test be it for wearing during sex, sleeping in or while dancing around tormenting someone who is bent over a spanking bench.
Normally I wear the piece while I’m writing the review. I used to find that I would start writing the review and then start questioning my notes (is it genuinely soft against the skin or just not scratchy? kinda thing) and end up having to put it on to answer my own query, which disrupts my writing flow. So now I just put it on to start with and get writing.
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Haha too true. If you’re going to shame something, atleast back it with solid reasons
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Don’t waffle. I think that’s my main tip. 
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