Hi everyone,
I've recently had 5 weeks signed off work and during that time I've finally caught up with all my reviews but more importantly I've started to participate more in the forums and I've been astounded by the support you all give in this community.
It's my first new thread so if it's in the wrong place then admins please feel free to remove or move.
So... with that in mind I'm coming to you with my major dilemma at the moment in the hope that some of you have been through similar and can help advise or suggest how I move forward. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin...
I'm 36 and I married my childhood sweetheart 6 years ago. Things were great and we had a lot of fun together going to the movies etc and I never really thought about our love life. As time went on I started to be aware more and more that I was always the one to initiate, she used to tut or roll her eyes when I used to flirt or make suggestive comments, she never said no but didn't make any efforts to encourage me either. I'm a very sexual and open person and would like to think I'd try anything once but every time I spoke to her about sex she would change the subject or just curl up in a ball and not speak to me. She went to the doctors who said it was perfectly normal for her not to have any desires, fantasy or need to have sex (she's never had the need to masturbate at any age) and that her hormones were fine. We tried working on things but at the point she said she wouldn't care if she never had sex again things started to decline until we split up.
Since then I have found a new partner and our love life is amazing. She encourages me to try all my kinks and passions and in return I have shown her how sex can be about the womans pleasure too (if not more so) which was something she's not had in previous relationships.
So what's his problem I hear you all screaming! The issue is that I have a 4 year old boy who I love with all my heart. His mum and I still have a close relationship, I do still find her attractive and we have a great time when we do things as a family, although she's never tried to make it anything more. She would never stop me seeing him but with work etc I see him about 10 times a month.
My head has started to tell my body that I'd be happy if I never had sex again if only I could see my little boy every day and that's now started to affect my physical relationship with my new partner.
I need to move forward one way or the other and I'm hoping with the advice of you lovely people and maybe by answering questions you may have that I might get there.
If you're still reading well done, and thank you.
Difficult one, but remember how you felt with little or no sex, you are a sexual person could you really go back to that, yes your son is very important but in 10 years time he'll be a teenager, you'll be left with a loveless relationship, also you'd hurt your present oh, sorry if said wrong this, ,hugs hope this helps.
I honestly cannot see your reconciling working if you are faced with the same problems. The only way it could possibly work is if your ex is willing to work on the sexual side of things or if she agreed to you having an open/poly relationship.
As Kittenclub has said your son will grow up and make his own life and those childhood years will fly away quickly and you will be older and unhappy.
It can work for some but on the whole I would say for many it doesn't. It's cruel to ignore a partners needs in my opinion (I've been there) unless there are underlying health/mental issues etc.
I feel so sad for you x
I am from parents who were in a loveless marriage. It wasn't great and it can have effects on the children especially when it comes to relationships. If your son was to see you reconcile with his mother, stay in a relationship where you are miserable he may grow to think that that's how relationships are. He may grow to think he was to blame for your unhappiness. This is only from my experience.
You are doing the right thing, you are maintaining a relationship with your son. So many don't, my father was one who chose not to see me. You are a good father.
You will always have feelings for the mother of your children. That will never go away.
Your son will grow to see your happiness like I have with my mother and stepfather. Love is a tricky thing.
You said your ex hasn't 'tried to make anything more' of your current relationship, so how do you know she'd want you back?
Even if she was willing, I have to agree with the other members and say the relationship probably won't work.
Try and work around what you have at the moment. Could you change your work pattern? If not while you're off work couldn't you get in some more contact with your son?
I personally feel how ever well your getting on with your ex at the moment to step back in to the relationship would be a mistake and old habits would return and you will end up with the problems regarding sex. If you did spilt up again how would it affect your son and the relationship with his mum and the contact you have with your son.
I have to agree with others on this. When something doesn't work anymore sometimes walking away is best for all.
It sounds to me these feelings stem from seeing your son more and not that of love for the mother or any need to be with her on a completely personal level.
A change in work scheduling could be the better option here. Those 10 times a month, are they overnight stays? Maybe long weekends could work out.
I do feel for you, these circumstances can be difficult. As long as your boy knows how much you love him and want to see him he will grow up knowing everything was done for the better in the long run.
Thanks everyone, I knew you'd all be a big help.
It wasn't really an unhappy relationship or environment and if it was then it would actually be an easier decision. It was more like living with my best friend and whilst that was nice it wasn't sexually fulfilling but LH helped with a range of solo toys.
I know my little bit will grow up and want less and less time with us and partially that's why I want to make the most of it when he's young.
In answer to some of the questions I do have him for long weekends and over school holidays so I do get quality time with him and I Skype with him every day.
Those moments where he asks me to stay at his house though, even offering me his bed, completely destroy me though.
Thanks for the support everyone xx
You've had lots of advice already but I just wanted to say I can see where you are coming from in regards to your son, those first few years are so important and he's very lucky
to still have both his mummy and daddy in his life even if you are not together in one home. Please don't feel guilty as from what I can see you are doing the best you can.
Only you can truely judge what's best for you in this situation and what your relationship is like with your girlfriend and ex.
I really hope things work out for the best for you and your son, he'll love you regardless.
My advice has already been posted above, so im just going to pass good wishes and hope you get it all sorted to see your boy more. People and situations seldom change as much as we think, so see what you can do with work.
Wish you all the best for the future.
You have had plenty of great advice already. it is a difficult one but the one major factor is your relationship with your son. You previous partner hasnt placed any obstacles and as far as I can deduce you remain as very close friends. I would just leave it at that . For the childs sake this is good that both his parents still get on together. Nothing worse than lawyers interfering with things like access rights etc.which often results in animosity between the former partners .Personally I think you are lucky here that you both still get on.
As long as your current partner is comfortable about the whole situation then its best for all round that this status quo exists. Perhaps you may need to think and focus about the future a little if your newish relationshp develops and she wants a family of her own and how this could potentially complicate things a little .
mysteron
wrote:
You have had plenty of great advice already. it is a difficult one but the one major factor is your relationship with your son. You previous partner hasnt placed any obstacles and as far as I can deduce you remain as very close friends. I would just leave it at that . For the childs sake this is good that both his parents still get on together. Nothing worse than lawyers interfering with things like access rights etc.which often results in animosity between the former partners .Personally I think you are lucky here that you both still get on.
As long as your current partner is comfortable about the whole situation then its best for all round that this status quo exists. Perhaps you may need to think and focus about the future a little if your newish relationshp develops and she wants a family of her own and how this could potentially complicate things a little .
She has 3 kids too so it does add to the guilt a little bit that I may end up spending more time with someone else's kids than my own.
Appreciate all the advice though 😊
andytaylor98 wrote:
mysteron wrote:
You have had plenty of great advice already. it is a difficult one but the one major factor is your relationship with your son. You previous partner hasnt placed any obstacles and as far as I can deduce you remain as very close friends. I would just leave it at that . For the childs sake this is good that both his parents still get on together. Nothing worse than lawyers interfering with things like access rights etc.which often results in animosity between the former partners .Personally I think you are lucky here that you both still get on.
As long as your current partner is comfortable about the whole situation then its best for all round that this status quo exists. Perhaps you may need to think and focus about the future a little if your newish relationshp develops and she wants a family of her own and how this could potentially complicate things a little .
She has 3 kids too so it does add to the guilt a little bit that I may end up spending more time with someone else's kids than my own. Appreciate all the advice though 😊
Well thats even better. I think your well set up here as all parties appear to be happy about the arrangement . I think many seperated parents would be envious of your situation.
Hey, just wanting to add. Do you spend time with your son with your new family aswell as your ex? Its amazing how you're being so mature with regards to your son, too many people put up barriers etc that ultimately hurts the child.
Sooo, with the childs best interests at heart here - changing the situation with his mom doesn't seem a great idea because of the previous relationship. You say atm you're happy to never have sex again, it's something you can't say whilst being sexually active. Okay you think that is the case but what about year down the line and you're feeling unloved, unsexy due to there being no interest? Theres a reason you moved on, imho stick to it.
Aswell, i think that you may be confusing the family time with something else and incorporating these day outs with your new OH will help.
All the best👍💗xx
andytaylor98 wrote:
mysteron wrote:
You have had plenty of great advice already. it is a difficult one but the one major factor is your relationship with your son. You previous partner hasnt placed any obstacles and as far as I can deduce you remain as very close friends. I would just leave it at that . For the childs sake this is good that both his parents still get on together. Nothing worse than lawyers interfering with things like access rights etc.which often results in animosity between the former partners .Personally I think you are lucky here that you both still get on.
As long as your current partner is comfortable about the whole situation then its best for all round that this status quo exists. Perhaps you may need to think and focus about the future a little if your newish relationshp develops and she wants a family of her own and how this could potentially complicate things a little .
She has 3 kids too so it does add to the guilt a little bit that I may end up spending more time with someone else's kids than my own. Appreciate all the advice though 😊
You sound so torn, which must be awful! And clearly put your sons needs first.
But you also have needs and are entitled to be happy and fulfilled. But I totally get your guilt at spending more time with your current partners kids! You need to weigh up your options and not sacrifice your happiness over what is "expected" of you! As long as you are a strong fixture in your sons life and he knows you will always be their for him, you have no reason to feel guilty! Sacrificing your own happiness because you think it's the right thing to do, will inevitably show eventually and affect your little guy! If he's happy because you're happy then I can't see what he will possibly benefit from having you and his mum together, as a couple, in a loveless relationship?
If you are both happier separated, then that has to have a massive influence on your son? Love and reassurance is all he needs, believe me!
Good luck, parenting is the hardest job ever x