I’m a polyamorous pansexual (21) in a relationship with an asexual lesbian (23). Our relationship is strong, and we absolutely love each other to bits. But I’ve been craving sexual contact, usually on nights out when I’m feeling pretty and up for the fun.
I’m thinking of talking to her about opening the relationship on a purely sexual basis. Is that wrong to do? Cos I feel like it’s really selfish, when part of the reason is that she’s asexual and I don’t want her to feel pressured to do things that make her uncomfortable. If anyone has advice, or experience they want to share, please respond. Thanks
We don’t have specific experience of your situation, but do fantasise about other partners and incorporate it into our roleplay. I would not focus too much on whats “right” to anyone else. What’s right is what’s right for you both, if that makes sense! Communication is always key, and in our experience has led to a much better relationship, connection and sexual experiences. Good luck!
Have you spoken with your partner about your need for sexual contact? In a nonsexual/non-propositional sort of way? Does your partner know that you’re polyamorous and/or have boundaries of monogamy/exclusivity been requested?
All relationships require some degree of compromise about one thing or another, but that has to go both ways. You may be asked to compromise into monogamy, your partner may be asked to compromise by supporting your sexuality. If you are unable to find a common ground that meets everyone’s needs in safe and consensual ways, you may be at an impasse.
Maybe you’ve had these conversations already, but without knowing, there’s a giant leap from “I require sexual contact” to “I’d like to open up the relationship.”
I’ll just add the disclaimer that I’m a monogamous, married, heterosexual man, so there are obviously particulars of your specific situation that I’m probably going to miss. I’m especially unfamiliar with what it looks like to be in a relationship with someone who is asexual. I have a dear friend who is demisexual and thought she may have been asexual for a long time, so I’m aware there’s a whole spectrum of what someone is desiring-willing-unable to do.
If she doesn’t want any sexual activity for herself, would she consider pleasing you without herself getting anything in return?
The need to have sex is hardwired in most of us.
Building up sexual frustration isn’t conducive to a successful relationship, so something will have to give. You have needs, they need to be addressed, at home or away, for your mental health.
I have no more advise than discuss what you want and your urges maybe ask her what she may like to do or does she fantasise ? Other than that I am sorry I can’t give you anything more , but you are in the right forum hun @Skellington24
In all relationships communication is key. She has told you that she is asexual so she has no need of physical love, however this should be talked through and your own needs expressed. explain to her what your urges are. See if she will help you with this even if it’s only as a spectator to your solo sessions. Having the person you love share this type of intimacy can be a real turn on for you. you never know with good two way communication you may reach a higher understanding of each others needs.
Communication is always key, and in our experience has led to a much better relationship, connection and sexual experiences. Good luck!