Hi I've been with my partner for 8 years now we're married and have 2 amazing kids the problem is she has massive confidence issues and is very much a prude any time I tell her she's beautiful she just doesn't believe me and sex is maybe once a week and to be honest pretty boring.
I've tried gently approaching the subject and also bought her a couple of vibrators too try when she's alone to try and maybe ignite her libido but she just gets embarrassed to talk about sex with me, I'm very much into trying new things and have a high sex drive and if I'm honest not exactly shy, just wondering if anyone has any advice of how I could gently and being respectful reignite the spark in our love life. Thanks in advance
Firstly, sorry to hear that things aren't 100% right now. This will definitely take a little bit of time to work on between you.
Have you ever sat down and spoke to her about how you feel about it all? There needs to be an understanding of your physical unhappiness, but not to the point where she feels to blame. It is a very very very sensitive topic!
I would highly recommend a date night, get the kids out the house for a night with family etc, and worship her. You need to not oversexualise her, you need to let her feel good in her own skin.
Run her a bath, throw some rose petals in, allow her to feel truely relaxed and open. From there, create a tender environment in the bedroom and focus on her. Explore her entire body and let the tension build for both of you. Even though you want to dive right in with toys etc, you need to give her a comfortable environment to start from and then eventually build up to experimentation for her, even that is just silk wrist ties rather than toys. Some people just aren't turned on by toys at all as strange as it can seem, there is also a huge chance she is very intimidated. Giving her vibrators for when she's alone is a little bit of a cop out in my opinion and makes it seem like you are just leaving her to sort herself out. Get a small, gentle vibrator that you can use with your tongue when you go down on her to give her initial experiences and feelings about it.
Once you have done something different, ask her how she felt. Find out what she enjoyed, what she might like you to do different. Really make the sexual experience about her and everything else has the chance to flourish from there.
At the end of the day, you are a couple, a partnership and you need to put your sexual desires to the back of the queue for the sake of your relationship. Work on building together then you can maybe introduce this later when she feels more comfortable and confident.
Lingerie can be a good ice-breaker, especially if she considers toys to be too much to start with. Do you think she'd be open to you both sitting down and picking something out?
How about you both write down any sexual fantasies, start of slowly with suggestions of oral sex, massages, using a blindfold. Pop into envelopes and share with each other. I tried this with a nervous, pretty vanilla partner and eventually we built up to more adventurous stuff.
Purring has some great advice here... sometimes it is a matter for a female to tap into her sexual side vs. her mummy side. Having time away from kids and house to connect and develop deeper intimacy is important. That doesn't always mean sex, it can be hand holding, flirting more, connecting as a couple and not talking about the kiddos. I think lingerie is a grat mood setter but if you try to buy her something make sure she will want to receive it.... some women if something does fit right or is not flattering of certain body parts lingerie can gut vs. build their confidence.
Even asking her to look at this site can be helpful. all the product reviews are from real people so it has helped me feel more open about trying different toys. If you have never used toys before you can start with something simple like a vibrating cock ring because that is a toy for your bits that also stimulates her.
Hi , I was very very self conscious of my body after having 3 children obviously it was very different from when we first got together, and couldn’t understand why he was attracted to me because of how I looked , we have been together 13 years and things had dwindled to practically nothing, my husband is quite shy when it comes to discussion about new things not trying just the talking about it ,But we both looked for lingerie on here to start with something he liked the look of but also something I felt comfortable enough to wear , it helped us both so much I am much more comfortable with the way I look and he is much more comfortable at discussing new things to try we regularly look on here together at new lingerie for both me and him and also toys , I would suggest maybe sitting together on here and looking at things together it can open up conversations without even having to think about it
Firsltly calling her a prude isn’t going to help matters. I’m presuming and hoping you have never said that to her.
As frustrating as it maybe I’m sure my husband felt the same at times as I was very vanilla due to pst sexual trauma. Do you know her history? Has there been anything that has happened to her in the past. That she is worried about?
Lots of good advice here about taking it slow etc so won’t repeat that but if she isn’t confident with her body maybe buy her a pretty baby doll stress something like this??
Maybe you two could read Emily nagoski's book come as you are. There's a lot of information on how sex drive works. The first thing to consider, in my opinion, is the things that may be turning her off. Self consciousness about her appearance, frustration caused by too much over her shoulders with two kids, a house to take care of, and maybe also working outside too. And maybe even feeling pressure to be more active or innovative sexually (even if you are not pressing her directly, she knows you and she knows what you expect and feels she's deceiving you) can be a turn off when you simply don't feel like. Take as much as you can off her shoulders. If you plan a date night, be sure to take care of the housekeeping and arrange yourself kid's care with someone she trusts so she can relax, this way she will be able to enjoy her bath, dinner or whatever, and make it very clear that you don't expect sex, just to expend some time focused in each other. As to the lingerie... Is a very common advise, and it may be OK for some people but being myself a woman with body image issues I can tell you it would embarrass me more than any other thing. And if nothing works, remember sex is not the most important thing in a couple. And if you enjoy being sexually adventurous, you can try toys for yourself, there are many different sensations you can explore on your own. She may feel relieved if you find a way to explore and satisfy yourself and you'll feel better not having to rely on her desire. This may not sound good, but it works for my partner and I, as his sex drive is very low, and he doesn't care about room adventures.
Thanks all for the great advice, I just want her to know I don't just see her as a mum but a sexy lady who happens to be a mum, I know I'll never truly understand the phycological impact of having kids has on a woman, you've all given me a lot too think about and I appreciate you all taking time to help.
I'm sorry for the length an the lack of formating... My phone did this!!
Sorry, this is off-topic, but I thought I'd chuck in an Ian Chimp Top Tip. 🙂 The forum still has a few problems left over from a big formatting fail it had a while back, but you can manually add paragraphs by using the code. It's a bit of a faff, but it makes long posts legible again. 🙂
How about you both write down any sexual fantasies, start of slowly with suggestions of oral sex, massages, using a blindfold. Pop into envelopes and share with each other. I tried this with a nervous, pretty vanilla partner and eventually we built up to more adventurous stuff.
Some brilliant advice on here, I love what 'Purring-Pussy' has written as it's a great way to ignite things again. I would try this advice with my OH now as sometimes even we can both be a bit shy discussing stuff. Some great ideas from all on here to 'break the ice'.
I don't have children myself, but know from friends they take up a lot of your time, pregnancy can obviously make a woman sensitive about her body with regards to self-esteem and feeling good. Pretty lingerie can make all the difference for your missus to feel great, so as long as you make sure you know her exact sizes (even if you find out discreetly), you can treat her to something that will make her feel fabulous and sexy again. There are loads of gorgeous items in the sale, for example, the 'Lovehoney Purple Basque' is really pretty and sexy and also will reveal her bottom, there are suspender straps to add a lovely pair of stockings to it too. Have a browse, think what would suit her and make 'her' feel special and gift wrap the item and put in a girlie bag. It would be lovely to surprise her and have a special relaxing night together with time for yourselves! Hopefully the kids have a registered babysitter or family member to look after them so you can both enjoy some 'you and me' time.
It's wonderful the way in which you compliment her and you're doing the right thing in this respect and I am sure you are sincere with it, because she's your wife (she's had your kids) and you love her.
I hope this advice helps, you both deserve some personal time together to communicate, relax and be intimate with each other. Even just starting with sexy cuddling on the bed after a shower is great. Watch a film and relax your bodies, and forget about the stresses of life for one night to begin with. When I feel myself and hubby haven't interacted sexually for a while, I instigate the above, we both become relaxed with kisses and cuddles and this opens a door for what you both feel you want to do next. Guaranteed, there will be a big smile on her face in the morning when she reminisces over the night before! 😍 The very best of luck to both of you and hope all goes well x.
I am 100% on the same page as Sole, would have probably thrown something at my husband if he sat me down to pick out underwear when my body confidence and sex drive were through the floor a few months back. What did help was when he realised I was so tired and overwhelmed just trying to be a good mum that I felt we just related as parents rather than the lovers we used to be. Little things, like him doing the breakfasts, made a huge difference to me in terms of how I felt towards him, gradually removing the resentment I hadn’t realised was even there. So, as Sole said, but in a far more articulate manner, give her more time just to be, if you are able to. Good luck to you both, hope things improve.
My OH and I have, over the last few years, been working through the exact same situation as you and your OH. The one thing that really helped us was talking, open and honestly with no pressure. I had always been very vanilla, but a lot of that came from the lack of knowledge and confidence (both in terms of body and ability). I wouldn't try something new in case it didn't work and OH didn't like it. This site and especially reading the forum has helped me in the knowledge area - new positions, toys etc. Once I expanded the the "how to" knowledge and had the courage (with heaps of support and not pressure from OH) I wanted to try new things and my confidence in my skills increased - to the point its not that vanilla any more. As mentioned Lingerie may help - I have purchased a lot of it recently as that really helps the confidence, but as it is a tool to feeling confident, it's a good idea to have your OH involved in the purchase.
I'm sorry for the length an the lack of formating... My phone did this!!
Sorry, this is off-topic, but I thought I'd chuck in an Ian Chimp Top Tip. 🙂 The forum still has a few problems left over from a big formatting fail it had a while back, but you can manually add paragraphs by using the code. It's a bit of a faff, but it makes long posts legible again. 🙂
Firstly am a woman and I been though this my self I got very ill and due to this it made me not feel sexy the tablets i was on made me have low sex drive . I felt sorry for my partner but same time I wasn’t in the mood we even feel out couple times and every time he asked me or said someone to do with sex or sexy to me I right away felt crap about my self even more so try to be under standing for now . You need to know why your partner is feeling this way could be anything from medication or stress or depression it could be anything even hormonal levels and sorry to say more you do like buying her a toy make her fell worse best off try to talk to her about why she feel she don’t want sex tell her it’s ok you don’t mind and not a problem just want to know and does she feel there is a problem and want to go see someone with her or dooes she want you to wait try to make her feel not pressured In to sex or she can feel like she letting you down and not a nice feeling so reassure her you can wait She could open up and tell you . If this is becoming a problem for you both go see someone don’t be put off by seeing a doctor there here to help . after all even little stress can make you have slow sex drive and having kids is hard and running a home could be anything but you need to find out so you can help . but again asking for sex right now is not the way to go get self a toy and have some fun on your own why your partner finds out why she as a low sex drive .. hope this helps from a woman and her partner who been here before it will pass
Sounds like you need to help your missus find some of her own ‘me’ time first.
Can you organise something weekly or fortnightly where she get’s time to go out with her mates, join a group exercise programme, go running, cycling, swimming, book club, cinema, art class, creative writing, learn a language anything to get out of the humdrum of family life for a bit and conversation reverberating around family.
This will get individual focus and then give you a chance to ask, do the same.
Then get a weekend away or night out once in a while together.
Rediscovering life should help you rediscover each other as the kids and work do pull us all in opposite directions most of the time. We all need a break!
I recommend shopping together for lingerie here. Don’t be put off if she says that the stuff is impractical and that she would be seen in this or that. Tell her that she will feel sex in her bedroom lingerie and it’s something I am sure that you will appreciate. As has been said writing a list of fantasies is a great way to explore together and get you exploring new things.
Read the LH forums together as they are a font of useful,ideas. 😀