I have been dating someone since September 2012, initially we were poly as he had a fiancee.
Things were going great at first untill December, when he and his fiancee decided that they should seperate, but continue relationships with their secondary partners. The seperation took time - they finally moved out of their shared home in March.
This is where things started to go wrong with me and him. I expected him to struggle with the break up, despite the fact that he initiated it, as it is only natural. However the way he is currently behaving is causing me to doubt if he's cheating on me with her ( or anyone else for that matter) even if it's just emotionally, or even if it's fair or right to ask him to buck his ideas up a bit.
He has started witholding affection from me. He no longer cuddles me, kisses me or even cheekily gropes me in public any more. This makes me feel sad and unatractive - as well as feeling like I have done something to make him mad. we only have sex once a month as i have given up initiating - he does not respond to me if I do.
On top of that he will do such selfish things, such as not put the effort into meeting me, or even dropping me an e mail in the week to say how he is doing. His exuse for this is that it's "not important or significant to him" so he won't bother - despite me saying that its significant to *me* This is also his attitude to seeing me on the weekends, which I enjoy more than seeing him in the week because I get my pay on Fridays and it's financially viable.
He also will drop everything and plan things to happen on the weekend or when I am supposed to be seeing him with other people. I do not mind him socialising, but if he's told me a week beforehand he will be free on a certain date - then to cancel with me for something that's been planned a few hours before makes me feel like I am not important to him. His attitude to this is that he wants to see his friends and I obviously don't want to allow him that because im not cool with it and that I should make my own circle of friends ( which is not easy at all to me due to autistic tendencies, severe bullying as a child and a lack of self confidence. He seems to think friends can just be materialised out of the ehter)
The main problem is his attitude towards his ex. She attended a party near his house recently and decided instead of sleeping on the floor there she would sleep in his bed - with him. He cannot see why I am so upset by this and the fact that it's not cool with me. So much so that he did it again around a week ago. His attitude is that he does it with his other female friends, that he'd never want to be with his ex and that nothing happened do that I am blowing it out of proportion. It's another case of "its not emotionally significant to me" He will also drop what he is doing with me to spend time with her and go over to her house, answer her calls ect. But only when he is with me - the other weekend when there was a friend over he told her to call later.
When he has friends and people around him he's fine and his usual self with me ( putting on a show) but when we are alone he egnores me - sitting on his computer playing single player games when I enjoy co op play with him. this is another thing that make me sad. His excuse is that he gets "peopled out" and does not want to interact with anyone when he feels like this. Which is fine but he deliberatley has others around to make himself like it before alone time with me!
I have come up with solutions to make myself feel more comfortable with him interacting with his ex, as he still wants friendship. I have said i'd be more cool with it if he made plans in advance and told me so I'm not sat on my own wondering, and to actually prioritise time with me. To make plans in advance would actually mean he wouldnt have to stay over, and woulf make me feel less insecure about it. I've said that i'd like to go out and do things at the weekend so that we are not sat indoors all the time - but he just does not respond, or says that he cant afford it ( which is a lie as he has more income than me)
He has basically said that me telling him that this isn't cool means I am paranoid and it's all my fault the relationship is going bad and that his bad moods are directly my fault. That he is the way he is, he's not going to put any effort in and it's up to me to live with the things he does. when i mention the steps I have suggested and asks why he hasn't tried them he just says "let's split up then"
He said a few months back that he wanted to break up, and we talked about how we could impove things. I discussed with him what I wanted and he has not done anyhting to improve it. i am from an emotionally abusive childhood and he uses triggers on me all the time - despite me telling him what they are, why they upset me and not to use them, I have done things he's asked, including getting signed up for therapy to help with the past. He has not done any of the things I asked for - and has put no effort in. The suff I asked for was for him to simply call or e mail once a week, to tell me his plans in advance and not to drop me like a sack of Sh*t for other people.
I am simply wondering if it is me who is the one that's wrong in this relationship, and if i should live with him doing the things to me. i am aware that you have not got his side of the story too.
I do not want to be alone, or to break up with him - we still have more good than bad, but this is changing slowly. I don't know what to do to make it better on my own, or how to actually get through to him.