Hi all, I know this is a sex forum, so delete if inapporpriate, but I've seen people give some pretty good advice on here and really need some myself.
I've been seeing a guy for just under a year now. Casually at first (long distance) then after about 6 months I left the country for 3 months (which was pre-planned so we both held back a little). When I got back things were fine and the plan was to move to his city (regardless of him, for work).
However, whilst a way a family member whom I live with was diagnosed with a terminal illness and as a result my plans to move are on the backburner. On top of this, said family member used to have a mental illness (if you can talk about mental illness in this way?) however over the past few weeks it's started showing itself more and more so now I think that has come back also.
The plan would have been to naturally progress into a commited relationship with this guy when I moved, however I'm not and given my current circumstances I just don't think I'm in the right space to be in a semi-serious relationship with someone right now.
He's great and all of that, but when it comes to my current situation, his sympathy is very superficial and 'it'll be ok lovely' and if anything that just annoys the living day lights out of me. It won't be ok. Not being glass half empty but facts are facts here.
I've spoken to my ex about my family member (he was close to her and I've been very honest with the new guy from day one that my ex and I are friends and still speak) and he has been much more understanding and spiritual about it all which I find helps massively.
As a result I've just been left feeling like I need space from this guy, I'm unsure if we're just not compatible on a spiritual level or if it's just everything is upside down at the moment and I'm not thinknig straight. How do I say that right now I need to be selfish and focus on me/my family and it'd be unfair on him as now I pay him half the attention that I used to because of everything that's going on. I of course don't expect him to wait around for me but you can't really say to someone oh I want to cool things off because you aren't spiritually supportive enough... but really that's kind of what it comes down to?
And also because we've never really had a good try at a relationship yet, I don't know if I'm just being a little rash?
Please advise! Am I being selfish here? What would you guys do?
I would say to him what you've told us...you don't think it's fair on him to wait around while you're not able to give him more attention...you need more support in a spiritual sense. I think he deserves to know where he stands, and it's good you realise this. Without knowing him, I don't know if he's a sensitive guy that might find the unsupportive comment a bit hurtful, so maybe rather than saying he's not supportive enough try saying you're needing a different support than he can offer...
I think if you feel you want more space from him, then it's wise to trust your instincts...
Hope that helps x
Hello, welcome to the forums.
We talk about lots of things and as you'll find out the community here is very supportive.
I understand that he's saying things that are quite generic responses but he's probably never dealt with a situation like this before so doesn't really know how to help. If you're not finding him supportive enough then that's something you should probably discuss with him before making any decisions about your future together. He might not understand you need more from him right now or he simply might not know what else to say.
As for the ex, of course he's going to be more understanding as he knows your family member and he also knows you, the new guy doesn't know either of you as well as your ex does so might be why his support is less than you'd hope for. I think that as he gets to know you more he'd be able to support you better and he'd find out what's helpful for you and what isn't. That would just come in time.
I'd talk to him about everything, mention you feel you need more support than he's offering and explain if you're distant it's not because of him, but your attention is with your family right now. personally I'd give him a chance and I would hope that with time he'd learn how to better support me.
I'm sorry to hear about your family member, if you need any extra support the forums will be here :)
Talk to him and I know it's annoying when people say it'll be ok but sometimes there's not much else they can say. It's like I told my mates (who I've known for more than half my life) that my nan had cancer and all I got was it'll be ok and keep smiling. I found the advice stupid what if it wasn't ok and how can I keep smiling knowing my nan night die? Thankfully she's alive and in remission but with everything going on all I hear is keep smiling and it'll be ok and sometimes that's not what I want to hear. I want help, I want solutions I want someone who will be there for me if its not ok because right now it doesn't feel ok at all.
We are all here for you though everyone here has been wonderful trying to help me and you get outsider advice too. I say just talk to him you may need him more than you think and you may regret saying goodbye