Relationship advice, please?

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi all!

My name is Lea and I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice on my relationship.

My partner and I have been in a relationship for slightly more than two years and it has been both the most wonderful and the most terrible time of my life.

My OH can be the most sweetest, loving, protective guy ever but he can also be the most distant, cold, egoistic, heartless person ever. I really don't get it, one day we'll be doing just fine, really close and everything is going perfect and then all of a sudden a switch goes off and then everything I do is critisied and bad.

I was accused of being immature, "limited" (basically stupid) and told that I should just grow up for once for simply misspelling a word over text. I will be trying to have a conversation with him and he will get out his phone and blatantly ignore me and say that the person he dislikes the most is better at holding conversations and more intelligent than what I am.

Once he even brought up how I was abused in the past and indirectly put the blame on me, I was 7-12 at the time, what? He will not even try to maintain a conversation and all he'll reply is how basic I am and how boring I am or he'll answer me with one word or start doing something else.

Today he was at work and he started flirting with me so we ended up sexting and I go in to a heated description and he suddenly said "OK, whatever, cool" and when I asked him why I was told to leave him alone and to stop fucking up his mood. When I confronted him about it and asked him why he would treat me like that when he sees how much it hurts me and he can hear how I cry myself to sleep at night he said that it's my fault and that I should change and stop being so emotional.

Before people recommend to break up, that's really not an option so please don't, I really do love him with all my heart and he is really a sweetheart about 70% of the time, he'll grab hold of me at night and tell me how much he is glad that he has found me and he'll start crying and kissing me all over saying that he's sorry sometimes, I don't get it.

But the thing is that I can never win an argument with him so I just don't argue anymore, it's impossible. It might not seem bad to you guys but I don't have anyone else besides him, I've got no friends and barely any family and he helped me recover from clinical depression.

Any advice on how to approach the matter? I'm just so distraught over it, I start having anxiety attacks randomly and I've got this condition that whenever I get really anxious my throat seizes up and I can't breathe so it's really not helping, I ended up in the A&E because of it various times.


He's a Virgo and I'm a cancer btw in case anyone is into zodiac signs and it is a heterosexual, monogamous relationship.

2

First off, no one is going to say that it doesn't seem so bad. If it feels this bad to you, we get it. A lot of us have been there.

I hate to say it, but I think he's being emotionally abusive from the sounds of it. Abuse isn't just physical, it can be psychological and often that is much more effective. I'm not going to suggest that you break-up, you obviously aren't ready for that yet, but honestly, you should reach out to other people for friendships and companionship. Relying on a partner for that can be stressful and hurt both parties so get out there and make sure he's not trying to isolate you.

Just because he's been helpful and loving in certain moments, doesn't mean he's right for you. You don't owe him for helping you. As a partner, that's kind of what he's expected to do i.e. support you.

This is a bigger issue than I can deal with in one post, so I might have a think and write back a bit later, but know that you're not alone and he has no right to treat you the way you've described. You deserve to be treated with respect as much as he does.

3

First of all, hi Lea! Welcome to the lovely world and community of Love honey.

I'm really sorry to hear this. I know you don't want advice to break up, but reading this it sets alarm bells off in my head. He sounds like his is emotionally controlling and manipulating you. Which IS a form of abuse.

I think the first step is getting him to admit there is a problem. From there on i can imagine only counselling will help. You could even try Relate? No guy or relationship is EVER worth your own health. You are number one.

My OH used to be like this. It was horrible and I only called it off when he threw me into a wall out of his house and I cut my head.

Please post here as often as you need to. It's as super unique and friendly community. Xx

4

Hi,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It definitely is bad and no-one here will tell you otherwise. Any kind of abuse is bad and your partner IS abusing you emotionally/mentally. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

I would suggest speaking to your doctor about the anxiety attacks, they might be able to provide something that you can take as and when you need it. If he's putting you in the emergency room because of the affect he's having on you, then you need to decide whether or not being in a relationship is worth it. I would say no, because your health should always come first.

I know you said you don't want people to tell you that you have to break-up and you also said you don't have anyone else, but is that a good enough reason to put up with the pain he's putting you through? I honestly would rather be alone than be with someone who makes me feel so bad about myself and causes me that much stress that it affects my health. It's just not worth it.

It is definitely not your fault, it is his. This is what abusers always say to keep their parnter feeling worthless and blaming themselves. It's also how they keep people closed off from the rest of the world and their secrets quiet. He's not sorry, because he continues to do it. I think deep down you know that too. If he hit you and apologised would you still be sticking around? Maybe, maybe not, but you'd know it wasn't going to be the last time and that's no different with emotional abuse. People like this don't change - well, at least not without help and I worry that it could get worse if he thinks he can get away with treating you like this. If you accept his apologies, you're telling him it's ok to talk to you like this and it's not.

I'm not going to tell you that you have to leave him, but I'd urge you to consider your options and decide whether love is enough. If he won't get help, then I honestly think it's time to reconsider because you deserve to be treated with respect and feel loved 100% of the time.

I hope you're ok and we're all here for you if you ever need to vent. X

5

Welcome Lea! First of all, do not blame yourself. This is not your fault, it is his issue and one he must seek help for or he will end up losing you. Are you wanting to stay because you truly love him or do you feel you have to because of the lack of friends you mentioned? If you really want to work on it, he must work on it too. Try Relate if you are in England or I have other places I can recommend throughout the UK. They FO charge but are able to wave fees or discount them. They will never see you stuck.

From what you said it does seen to me he is emotionally abusive. Calling someone limited and boring is cruel. I would NEVER say that to my husband. He is severely dyslexic and texts phonetically and has mild aspergers whilst I was in the top of my class for everything. We are polar opposites in that sense. Never ever would I call him thick, limited or boring to hurt him. That is unacceptable bullying behavior that has made me a little cross.

My top tip is tell him how you feel if you are certain you are safe. If you don't feel 100% secure go for lunch somewhere quiet you can talk privately but there are people around. Suggest a counselling session. If he declines he may not be in this relationship as much as you are.

Keep posting whenever you need to. Chin up sweetheart x

6

Not qualified to comment except to say you are not at fault and don't be afraid to seek help be it here or a more formal manner.

7

Hi Lea, I can relate to your story because I've been in a similar relationship.

My ex had a borderline personallity disorder, and a major caracteristic of this disorder is that the person sees averything as either good or bad, but there is no in between. Their relationships are intense because of that. He was also very emotional and would cry all the time because he would fear I'd leave him, or think I was the love of his life, etc. but again, no in between.

I stayed for a year and a half because I loved him so much. Because of the occasions where he was sweet and showed me how much he loved be. There were ups and downs, and I found the ups were worth all the downs. Our love was intense, but it was maybe too much.

Now I am not with him anymore and I've found a more stable guy. Our relationship isn't as intense, but it's sane and good.

My advice would be that sometimes, it's not worth staying with someones that causes you harm because you love them. You'll find someone else to love and you'll be happier with that person.

I'd never get back with the other guy now that I left and know that I can be happier with someone else. He has causes me so much bad and I'm still stuck with some of it sadly. I'm not saying that your relationship is the same, but it looks like it too me, so please be carefull and think throughfully about it.

8

If it's not to personal to ask, why is breaking up with him not an option? He sounds like quite a piece of work to be around and emotionally abusive. No one deserves to be with someone who makes them cry, insults their intelligence, and victim blames them.

9

I am so sorry to hear this is happening to you!

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway: leave him.

Get as far away from him as possible and stop all contact if you can.

From what you have said this person is emotionally abusing you, which can be just as damaging as physical abuse in the long term, and in some cases emotional abuse can turn in to physical abuse.

I was in an abusive relationship for three years, and from what you said it was similar to your situation. I was made to feel stupid and small and inferior and like my feelings didn't matter. I was argued with constantly over issues I didn't start and I would always loose and end up crying. I was constantly threading on egg shells trying not to upset him. At the same time I thought he was amazing and he always went on about how much he loved me. This is a tatic he used to keep control of me.

Since leaving him, I gradually regained my confidence and became myself again. I remember one really telling night when I was out with some old friends I hadn't seen in ages, and they were laughing at my jokes. I'd been brought down so far I'd forgotten I could be funny. That was quiet a revelation for me.

So my advise to you is to make an exit plan before you loose yourself completely. It doesn't matter what he has done for you in the past. I also suffer from depression and anxiety disorder, and I know from experience that although the people who support you are very important, only you can bring yourself out of depression. Don't give him the credit for it.

I know it is very hard. It took me 6 months from realising I needed to end it to actually getting out. But you can do it, and there will be someone better for you, someone who never makes you feel small, and encourages you and gives you confidence rather than taking it away. Abusive people do not change, they thrive on the control they hold over others, so don't give him any chances.

I'm sorry if this sounds really harsh, I want you to know I understand how it feels, to love someone who is not good for you. But this is the advice I wish someone had given me when I first saw the warning signs. I was often blind to them, you are already ahead of me because you recognise he shouldn't be treating you like this.

I wish you the best of luck, please have confidence in yourself, and don't let anyone make you feel stupid.

10

This definitely sounds like phsycological abuse to me. I think his way of telling you how much he loves you and apologising is just his way of keeping you in his control, because it makes you believe he loves you deep inside and makes you want to stay with him even after all he is put you through. He definitely knows how to keep you in his control.

I don't think your partner is gonna change. He apologizes because he wants you to think he is sorry, but he is not. By abusing you, he breaks down your confidence so he can control you, which is what he wants. I know you don't want to hear this, but please, break up with him. Your relationship is not good, it's going to destroy you eventually if you don't finish it now. He might even start hurting you physically if you stay long enough.

Think of the other men you could meet. That would treat you like you deserve and never ever make you feel sad and worthless. Please, you will find somebody that's going to be so much better than your current boyfriend and you will regret not leaving him sooner. I promise. He is not good for you and an abuser.

You should prioritize yourself, and your mental health. It's not going to get better with time, I can promise you that!!

11

Honey, you a kidding yourself.

He has a big problem, which he can't control. It is not you. He needs your simpathy, he needs help.

i agree with what has been written by others, his behavior is abusve.

There is help out there, which I fear he will be unwilling to access, but you can. You don't need his permission to start to change. Talk to your GP as a first port of call. She may be able to set up a counseling session.

Good luck, we will be here for you.

12

Welcome but alarm bells, please please leave emotional abuse is terrible I've had most of my life, second hubby magic. Very sad to read this, hugs post often others say it better than me.

14

Hellooo Lea x

I'm sorry to read what you have said & I agree with what everyone else had said, he is emotionally abusing you, I've been there too and I put up with it much longer than I should have because I didn't have many friends/family and felt isolated but the best thing you can do for yourself physically and mentally is be on your own.

I know you said breaking up isn't an option but if what you have said carries on you'll either snap one day and end things or you will be in a much darker place, personally my concern is that the emotional abuse won't be enough for your partner and it may turn physical and you don't deserve to be treated like this one bit.

You say he apologises but he knows what he is doing and by saying sorry he thinks that that is enough to continue his behaviour, he needs help, it's not healthy for either of you. It may seem, right now, that if you leave him you'll be on your own and that will be it but it's not, there is a whole life out there for you where you can be treated with respect and not being emotionally hurt. You need to focus on yourself, making a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around his mood, no relationship should be based on 'what mood is he going to be in today'. You are an individual, your personality, appearance, intellect, your choices are yours and no one has the right to critisice or demean them especially by someone who claims to love you.

I know you don't want the answer of leave him but it sounds like the right decision, you are worth more and deserve so much better than to be treated the way you have described, yes he may be a wonderful guy most of the time but the emotional abuse is dangerous and is wrong.

I hope you are ok and take something from the comments here, you are worth so much more and please let us know what happens Xx

16

Please, please, please listen to everyone here...... particularly Alicia. The advice is spot on, get away......if you can. I know how difficult it will be but this person, I can't bring myself to call him a man because he isn't one, can and will destroy you.

He is abusing you emotionally. This kind of scenario when a person makes another so dependent upon them, constantly puts them them down, makes them feel bad about themselves and then tells them that they're the best thing that ever happened to them has an actual medical name but I can't for the life of me remember it.

Your health has to come first so get yourself some medical help. Your partner also needs to seek psychotherapy......he needs help to stop this kind of behaviour.....before it's too late.

Sending hugs xx

17

Sorry if this is a late reply ! But this sounds like my relationship! It's like I actually wrote this myself ! I'm going through the same thing were if you leave him you will have lost ever hit won't cope with life and think ur world is ending but that's how he's wanting you to feel so you stay with him . I have two children and there's constant arguing and it's no good but why do I hold onto a man that says am fat ugly am boring I never do anything right ! Well if I was all them things why on earth is he still stating with me !!! ***REMOVED BY MODERATOR***

18

Mysterious-blue-eyed-lady wrote:

Sorry if this is a late reply ! But this sounds like my relationship! It's like I actually wrote this myself ! I'm going through the same thing were if you leave him you will have lost ever hit won't cope with life and think ur world is ending but that's how he's wanting you to feel so you stay with him . I have two children and there's constant arguing and it's no good but why do I hold onto a man that says am fat ugly am boring I never do anything right ! Well if I was all them things why on earth is he still stating with me !!!

As much as I appreciate you are trying to help, personal contact details are not allowed on the forums xx

On topic - please please listen to the advice already offered by the others. This is a destructive relationship and you are worth so much more. You are number 1 and you need to think of yourself that way xxx

19

Completely agree with what everyone else has said. I have nothing else to add. For your own sake this needs to stop and quick.
I wish you well

20

I don't know if someone mentioned that but i need to add something.

Sone people are consciously beinh abusive to others, and some are unconsciously abusive. Both are still abuse.

21

Didn't have time right now to read all replies but my immediate reaction was for you to read up on borderline personality disorder or even bipolar.

24

"It might not seem bad to you guys but I don't have anyone else besides him, I've got no friends and barely any family and he helped me recover from clinical depression"

I can't say I've experienced what you are going through but I have experienced the "I've got no friends and barely any family" I can tell you that when it mattered, I found I had friends, people that I hadn't considered as friends, and I'd done a pretty good job at holding people back at arms length.

It's OK to let other people into your life.

I'm not going to tell you to leave. I know it's difficult to contemplate even doing so when you are reliant on someone. But let others in and let people help. Whether that is in the form of counselling, Dr's or confiding in someone else.

You know, maybe it's him that is more reliant on you and you just don't know it. Until you both address the problem nothing will change