Advice sought from parents with teenage kids

Off-Topic Chat
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Hi guys

Our son who is 14 ( 15 in November) has just got his first proper girlfriend.

On the plus side he is talking to both me and the Mrs about this. Having spoke to him neither me or the Mrs is convinced that he is ready. He did say he might keep the arrangement as just mates but peer pressure has intervened and they are now an item. They are in different classes at school and "met" whilst in a school theatrical production play .

What does concern me is that despite being a similar age she is also a part time model. Having been out with a model myself I do know this brings extra unwanted pressure from things like fending off unwelcomed advances/comments to being away, sometimes abroad and for long periods for photo shoots etc.

My other concern is the the long 6 weeks summer break for schools in our area is just 2 weeks away which means a potential of 6 weeks of upto no good or things they shouldn't be doing at that age.In a way I am just hoping his girlfriend is going to be work busy with more photoshoots but I can't depend on that being the case.

I am therefore looking for helpful advice in managing the situation without being an over proptective dad.

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I can't offer parent-of-teen advice, but, I can offer more-recently-teen-then-the-rest-of-you advice, in regards to things teenagers say, and how my parents (ineffectively) dealt with me (ignorance. As a lesbian, they just hoped ignoring it would make it go away, and hey, there aren't gonna be any babies).

The fact that he's talking to you is the major thing. Like, that trust is great so you do have to give a little back.
Do the whole safe sex and appropriate relationship practices talk, highlighting that you don't think he should be engaging in any behaviour of that sort, but that if he does you want him to be safe, responsible. That goes beyond condoms, but y'know, how to treat a girl and stuff.

In all liklihood, they'll be an 'item' and go on 'dates' to the cinema and hold hand and kiss, but him having said the 'keep it mates' thing? It's probably not gonna go much further.
I know being 14/15, me and my friends had 'partners' all the time, but nothing ever really went on. It's just how you title mutual likings at that age, and it doesn't hurt your reputation.

Conversely.... they might want to have sex. Outline safety, mild disapproval, and not in your house. If they're gonna do it they're gonna do it, and there's nothing you can do to stop it. Keeping communication is key, and as you would with a girl-child, make sure he knows he can talk to you, that he can say no, that if anything makes him uncomfortable he can stop it.

In regards to modelling.... Eh. It depends on how serious a model she is, and the demand she faces. He'll deal, with the aid of the almighty Skype and Facebook.
From your point of view, its probably ideal if they'll be apart more- nothing physical can go off, and it will either strengthen the relationship into something substantial, or they'll realise they're just good friends.

And, be nice to and about her. Invite her for dinner, try to not embarrass both of them, even affectionately. Set parameters like if they're in his room the door has to be open, or they have to stay downstairs or whatever.

I know this isn't exactly what you were looking for, but, I know what definitely wasn't a good approach, and I know what would have been nice to have recieved from my parents in regards to my relationships when a teenager. And, I'm pretty familiar with how teenagers think and what tends to go off.
Teenagers are pretty resiliant. You have trust and communication, and that's the best thing for influencing and protecting any part of your small ones life.

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My sons 14 and just had his first "romance" hardly that lol. they didnt even kiss and didnt last long. I wouldnt worry too much atm. x

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pinkanimal wrote:

My sons 14 and just had his first "romance" hardly that lol. they didnt even kiss and didnt last long. I wouldnt worry too much atm. x

I hope you are right ! Having seen his girlfriends Facebook page she does strike me as being a very confident and mature girl and with previous expereince of boyfriends as well .

Thanks for your input Fairelights. I think we will have to revisit the "Birds and the Bees" just in case. It might embarrass him but I think it us something that needs to be done . I will also need to reamphasise that it is illegal as well to participate in such activity at their age. . I am hoping both are sensible here as well.

In the mean time will keep monitoring my sons Facebook page as well as hers.

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Hi I havent got children though I was a model at a young ages-not any more. Work can be short lived so hard to come by, just because shes a model dosen't mean shes will be abroad I didnt but my photos did, however dont worry about your son he needs to learn from the experience and should you interfere to much he will only resent you, have the safe sex chat but I honestly wouldnt worry I wasnt even intrested at that age I kissed my bf and that was enough lol.

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sassykitten;) wrote:

Hi I havent got children though I was a model at a young ages-not any more. Work can be short lived so hard to come by, just because shes a model dosen't mean shes will be abroad I didnt but my photos did, however dont worry about your son he needs to learn from the experience and should you interfere to much he will only resent you, have the safe sex chat but I honestly wouldnt worry I wasnt even intrested at that age I kissed my bf and that was enough lol.

Thanks for your reassurances .

As regards models my own GF at the time did spend a lot of time in the States . She acually lives there now and is happilly married with someone else . She did some work for pop and rock videos as well as magazine ( not porn) work .It wasn't the happiest of my relationships if anything it was down near the bottom and I am glad I married "a girl from next door" type. The small amount of time I did spend with her , I appeared to be fending off unwelcomed attempts by other guys in chatting her up etc.

Its probably me thinking becasuse I had a bad experience with a model then my son will also . I think your quite right in pointing it out that will not necessary be the case. As far as I am aware my sons gf only does light work for a youth clothing company . Out of about 100 pictures I viewed I think she appear only in about 6 . 3 of them out of that 6, I wasn't sure if it was her has she was heavily made up with gothic style cosmetics! So yes I am probably adding 2 + 2 and getting 5 here.

Anyway digreesing a bit here.

But yes you all appear to be quite right about keeping my distance from them and neither myself nor my Mrs intend interferring .But we will be on hand for any advice that is sought by our son or even his gf .

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Personally i would leave them both to it, my mum and dad constantly nagged at me whenever i had a boyfriend so i just didnt tell them anything and was really secretive. As he is communicating with you i think its great. There is not a way you can really stop it from happeneing, just ensure him that you can talk answer questions and wont judge. I hope it all goes well

X

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I'm not sure how to respond to this without breaking the rules (seeing as the topic includes under 18's), so it's a tricky one!

Faireh has it pretty well covered, I think we're of a similar age and I agree with her on most of those things. However, I don't think you should forbid anything to happen under your roof, as your house is probably a lot safer than some other places they could go (IF that were to happen, but hopefully not). I'm not saying you should encourage it by any means, but generally forbidding teens from doing something = lots of sneaking around and potentially dangerous situations as a result.

I think I have very liberal views when it comes to this topic, but because of the forum rules I don't think I'm allowed to give my full opinion. My best advice would be to have a chat like Faireh said, discuss safety and the emotional side of things (which is just as important). I think teens are more likely to refrain from getting romantic if they know all the facts and have someone they can talk to openly about it, as it reduces the 'curiosity' aspect of it.

My parents also took the "let's pretend nothings happening" approach, and never had any sort of conversation with me about sex and relationships, which probably had the complete opposite effect that they would have wanted. Openness is key, I would say that's your best approach, but of course it's up to you how you want to handle this. Good luck :)

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Thanks guys . We will be having a refresher chat to cover all bases . Whilst I am pretty confident nothing will happen its better having contingency plans in place just in case. But she does come accross as a very sensible pretty young lady . What she sees in my lad I have no idea ! :)

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I don't want to say things will go like my life but I met my first 'boyfriend' when I just turned 14 and we actually dated until I was 17 so don't take it as 'they're young it won't last', as maybe it will.

I would wait and see what happens see if they meet up lots or if it does fizzle out but if they start going to eachothers houses then I would have 'the talk' and also as someone mentioned above set some small house rules so no one feels awkward or out of place.

As Fairehlights said - you can't stop them kids will be kids and all you can do is prepare them I guess, so give clear advice on what is needed. e.g condoms and why it is so important to be safe. You could also possibly talk to her parents if you feel comfortable doing so.

Me and my mum never had the talk and I really wish we did. I for sure will talk openly to my kids in the future as I feel it is really important and I know how it feels to not have 'the talk' and I felt really lost. 

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This is what i'd like as the 'child' in this situation

- A casual chat, where they can can ask you questions & as their parent you can honestly help answer anything they may wonder. Be prepared to answer anything... Literally anything.

- Make them feel that it is a easy subject to talk about and whenever they want to 

(I felt I couldn't even say the word sex and when I finally told my mum she nearly crashed the car! True story. Now look at me working at Lovehoney where now every other conversation is sex related haha!)

I hope this helps x

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At 14, I was sleeping with my boyfriend (and yes, he remains my only boyfriend and only sexual partner 10 years on!) & I highly doubt my parents had any idea, due to being ill they particularly looked on me as "young" for my age, yet ironically I grew up quicker and had to be mature. What would you say your child's maturity level is? My mums a midwife - it was drilled into me what would happen if I got pregnant, which created an unnatural fear I STILL have. Granted that's a different kettle of fish with a son but I absolutely would've dealt with an unplanned pregnancy behind her back due to that, so remember what you say and how it's said will totally stick with them. I remember later on at 16/17 my mum saying she rather we do it here safely, than be reckless elsewhere, should that arise where would you stand on such a thing in your home? I didn't care for the legalities of underage sex at 14 in all honesty, not sure how many teens do. The fact he's open with you is great, I would definitely try to keep that going! It's a great thing.

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Thanks Cazz and all the other guys .

A lot of it is very helpful but I will need some time to digest it all.

What is also going to help with the big 6 weeks summer break is that his gf will be away 2 weeks on a family holiday abroad and 1 week of modelling photo shoots down in London . They will have also school projects to do as well .