Iv posted before but haven’t been on for a week while, last time I posted about having intimacy issues I’m our relationship, my oh never feels like it and when she it’s with very little effort, a while back I realised that she uses her vibrator a lot when I’m out and I brought the discussion up.
I said that with how things are it make me feel bad about things and worse about myself. So I believed that had stopped to concentrate on being together but I have realised that isn’t the case and mentally I’m angry and feel really crap about it.
No you are not wrong to feel bad that she uses a vibrator when you are not around, simply because a partner always wants to make their other half happy.
What you need to ask yourself is why she is using toys in your absence. It does not mean you are crap in bed but why is she using a toy.
2 aspects to this, firstly you are not hitting the right spots secondly she simply, nothing more nothing less, just likes using toys and something she has not felt comfortable doing so in front of you.
About time to talk to her re what she actually likes. For example giving oral how does she react, her body movements sounds she makes, listen and watch as to how she reacts to what you are doing. That way you will learn what she does and does not like.
Toys, talk to her about them, introduce them, say “I got this toy can we try it” Experiment with said toy, ask her what she likes and dislikes about said toy. You can not know everything about what a person likes regardless of how sexually experienced you may be, the only way to find is through listening watching and asking.
This has no reflection on how good/bad you are in bed, it’s about learning what each individual likes and does not like. Just talk to her about toys ask what she likes, ask what she likes sexually what turns her on/off. It’s a learning process don’t be mad we all make mistakes.
In that case go back to the beginning, how did you romance her to start. Did you wine and dine her, make her laugh as well as take her on a night out that made her attracted to you, did you woo her in a way she had not been so.
Start again, begin all over. Take her somewhere special or cook her a candlelit dinner, your own cooking that is, romance her like you did when you first fancied her. The point of it being is you may discover something you missed along the way. When you make love pretend it’s the first time, as above watch listen and learn.
You missed something at an early stage, we all do it’s fine, just start again. But do so in a way your not making it obvious as to what you are doing. If we do something and no one say’s that’s wrong we continue.
Thanks for your advice,I’ll try that, I was only a teenager so it’s wasn’t exactly the same beginning process.I just got caught up in being angry and disappointed. The whole thing has mentally affected me for years and it’s really my last efforts now. The issues isn’t what got me here it’s that I’m the only person trying
Although the reasoning behind it may be different, I’ve been in a place similar to your OH. I love my OH, we’ve been together for almost 15 years & he has always had a high sex drive. Mine started out high but has dwindled primarily due to mental health to the point where it was non-existant. I didn’t enjoy sex. Even though OH constantly tells me how much he loves me, fancies me, how beautiful I am I just can’t see it. I have a deep rooted self-loathing so everytime we had sex I would just be lying there cringing at the slightest touch, constantly on edge because of lack of confidence & self-esteem, being tense then just made sex uncomfortable & I’d like there wishing it was over. It was easier to get myself off over 5-10mins without any of that anxiety than have to put myself in that position.
Anyway, I guess my advice again as above really would be to communicate. There are likely underlying reasons for it. It isn’t easy to talk, it took me a very long time to open up with my OH & it’s only in the last week or so that things have picked up sex wise (thank you Prozac! haha) & we’ve got from not having it at all, to once or twice a day but I think the best thing is that we’ve opened up, talked to each other about things that turn us on, what we’d like to try etc. & that has put us in a really good place going forward.
Yeah I fully understand how you have felt as I too have had mental health problems and feeling in important and unwanted was a big part of how I got there. I have genuinely brought it up so many times even to the point where I said I now think counselling is needed to help get us on the correct path but no she doesn’t want to, I just feel like this puppet that lays about waiting to be used for the things I am wanted for. After 20 years of this part of things being poor I’m worn out
Yeah I completely understand where you’re coming from. Honestly, the guilt I felt over it was awful, it must have had a massive impact on my OH’s confidence & mental health & that was one of the reasons I’ve worked hard to push myself out of that mindset - it wasn’t fair on either of us. Both parties need to make an effort & hands up, it was definitely me that hindered it for a few years, but once I got myself into a better frame of mind I ultimately just really missed having that connection & that life is too short to shut myself off & waste years of my life.
If she knows the effect it’s having on you & is still unable to work towards a resolution after so many years, then I’d have to consider whether the relationship is worth it. Personally, I think you deserve better than to go through life feeling like that. We all do.
Never think your wrong if that’s how you are feeling but also remember people on average will masturbate alone even in a relationship and use toys. So although it’s upset you, she’s allowed to have freedom in using her toys and best way to approach this subject is to open up to her about how your feeling and that your confidence is still pretty low.
Try seeing how together you both can make sex more exciting even if it means introducing the toy into your intimacy and her letting you use it on her.
There’s many great adventures to be had in exploring each other’s pleasures so why not see if together you can come up with a list of things you’d both like to try and bring back some of the excitement into the bedroom
Maybe your wife has become so good at using her vibrator that nothing else comes close. Perhaps you could learn to become really absorbed by sex toys yourself, aim for a situation where you can chat about how much you’re enjoying them, browse the LH shop for new ones together and be comfortable masturbating in each other’s presence without any pressure for physical contact.
Thanks for all the replies, feeling a little calmer now. When ever we are together she does use the vibrator and to be honest when we are together it’s pretty much a mutual masterbation thing and that’s all. Has been for such a long time.
I have been open over and over again, if there is specific things she wants or needs I’m happy to try them.I’m non judgmental with all this, I know that a big part of this is me,I’m obviously terrible at this as I’m pretty sure I’d have got something right by now.I have lost count how many times Iv had my head down under the sheets with my heart sinking because Iv been at in 5-10 mins without a peep or change of breathing nothing or on top with the same thing. As Iv repeated it’s not that part that hurts the most it’s the lack of helping to improve it. I’ve been sinking with this for over 15 years.
I know where you are…you’re not alone. It is soul destroying to try and try and try and to take knockback and rejection time and time again. I was in that situation for years too and felt I’d tried everything.
All I can say is talk talk and talk again…but not in the bedroom. When you both have the time to talk and more importantly to listen to each other. Tell her how this is making you feel on a daily basis.
It is rather much but after 15 years it might be worth re-evaluating what sexual pleasure is all about and whether you could reach a more independent state.
@Rewrob - I feel like I’ve been in a similar place to your OH and I know my husband probably felt as frustrated as you have described.
At the time, it didn’t matter what he did - if he was angry, upset, or romanced me like when we met - it was about me. Until she is ready to address her own issues you are to some extent helpless.
In my case, I hadn’t realised how stuck in my own comfortable married bubble I was until something terrible happened in my family. Losing someone made me reassess what was important in my life, and the things I took for granted.
My husband happiness, in all aspects of our life, esp. sex life suddenly was back on my radar in a big way. Taking the first step towards improving our intimacy was scary but as soon as I did it, it was like someone lit a fire that has not gone out!
I hope you get there but if you can’t you need to weigh up if the relationship is worth it without the sex life you would want.
