I’m looking for advice, me and my partner have been together since we were young. I have had sex with a few people before but was just one of things so nothing that I gained experience from. She from what I believe has never been with anyone else.
Things have never been great in this department for us and I always felt that it was me not knowing what I was doing and overtime would start to get better as I learned, what didn’t help was I would go down on her or rubbing her and there’s no reaction no feedback even after saying that a little help would make the difference but she give nothing back. Apparently she feels nothing when masterbating but can come with a vibrator.over time my confidence is really disappearing as I feel nothing I do even gets any feeling. She avoids having sex time as much as possible and I have spoken about it and said that it’s not the situation that’s angers me it’s that she’s has never done anything to even try to help things. I’m a very kink and try new things person so that makes it more frustrating. I’m starting to wonder if it’s possible that we could be incompatible in a intimidate way.
You need to start at the basics, maybe get her to write down a list of her fantasies and you do the same, try and change things up and be honest with each other about what’s good and not so good,
Not everything works for everyone and we all have to try things to see what works and what doesn’t!
Maybe spend an evening on this website together and pick things you’d both like to try and see what happens?
Hi thanks for your reply, I have certainly tried to talk about fantasies and also I have said I’m willing to do what ever she thinks would work but she says she doesn’t have any.
I bought one of those plug in vibrate wands of lh for her but apparently the end feeling just isn’t there anymore
@Rewrob Just a shoutout from the forum rules (might want to edit your first couple sentences )
Do not post, link to or reference nonconsensual, illegal or underage content. Remember at Lovehoney, life starts at 18 years-old. Any posts referring to sex acts before this age will be deleted.
Then maybe it stems deeper and is an issue that needs resolving first, everyone has needs/fantasies and desires!
You need to see what else is going on and why she’s just not interested, open up and see if it’s a bigger problem and try and move forward together
My husband is very shy and easily embarrassed to talk about sexual things, so I have had to be patient and wait for him to be ready to try new things. Communication is definitely important. Also, everyone’s bodies are different, so what feels good and stimulating for one person may not for another. It may take some time for her to find out what feels good, so be patient and don’t give up
Yeah I definitely agree,that’s my frustration as I have never asked for miracles all I ask for is an attempt to help the situation either by working it out together or seeking help I really don’t mind as long as we’re working towards a solution. I’m very open minded so I have said that anything she says or wants will not be judged and I’ll try my best help with it
PKH thanks, yeah I agree with that too but 18 years with no progress concerns me.never once have I had a comment like I like that or that feels nice absolutely nothing
Hey pal…I’m 10 years with my missus…have had this same problem so many times n still do. My missus is from a tiny village in where sex is basically thought of as missionary position in bed at night, nothing else. Iv had quite a few sex partners, I’m nly her 2nd…She was amazed at having sex during the day at the start…apprehensive at the simplest things like oral n me even fingering her. She has shocked me over the years with having sex in public and even trying anal yet she doesn’t like me trying to use a small vibrator on her… If you really love her then stick with her, few drinks n a hotel room every now n then works wonders with them to relax but some things they simply will never like no matter how much you try. Iv jus accepted il have to go without cause I love her
As everyone said, having a good talk sounds like a great start. It can be incredibly difficult to talk about these kind of things for some people (i was one of them once) but it does get easier the more you do it.
It may be that she’s just not very sensitive in her clit. I have this issue myself and unless I’m incredibly turned on it can take quite a while for me to get there with fingers alone.
Just From what you’ve written she obviously owns a vibrator, so have you considered pairing that with oral or fingering.
When you have a chat, maybe ask if she’d like that.
(Also as an aside. If its a battery powered one, she might find something like a rechargeable vibe better. Theyr much more powerful. This thing made a massive difference for me.)
Having a look through lovehoney together is also a nice option if shes up for it. Some people find it easier to talk about in the abstract.
As per the fantasies. It really is possible she just doesnt have any. Again, hand in air, that was me for the longest time and it does come up on the forum now and then. I found reading erotic romance novels really helped with this personally (ps. Reading them together can be alot of fun) , but its all about working out what you like before you can really decide what you might want. That one takes time I’m afraid.
Thanks for all the great replies, first and foremost it’s always been a issue that she isn’t getting pleasure out of what I’m doing for her, I have read up on tips ect it just doesn’t feel right when you don’t get the impression the other person is enjoying it. I really don’t make it all about me when we’re together. I just want a little help from her to help her.even if I just felt that she was happy in the moment with me would be a start.
Her wand plugs in so I’d imagine that’s about as powerful as I could get,I really have tried to talk and suggested going back to basics or get some help.she talks in a sexual way with friends ect but with me it just seems to be a issue.
It just seems to be a vicious circle as now it has started to affect me more and more where I get no enjoyment on my own and lately seem to be struggling to get a erection.I used to be quite a confident person and that is even starting to disappear, over the years on and of it has really effected my mental health. Not a great feeling when you feel useless and unwanted (I only ever wanted effort to improve things) I do realise that the issue could be that I’m just one of those people that just isn’t very good.
Thanks again everyone this is the first time reaching out about things so it wasn’t easy.
Hey @Rewrob you did great…reaching out and putting things into words isn’t easy. Don’t think you’re not good… a good sexual relationship takes two people to work at it.
If it helps at all you’re not alone in your situation…lots of couples are in it with lots of different reasons as to how it got there.
Try the search bar at the top and view other threads with similar titles the responses may just help you both.
All I can say is talk…talk and talk more…when you both have time without any pressures and not in the bedroom. When it begins to affect your mental health it’s a slippery path you don’t want to get stuck in.
Just seconding @CurvyJilly, it was really brave of you to reach out, these things can be so hard to talk about. Theres quite a few people on here who are or have been in a similar boat, so your not alone.
This is a really good place to ask, the gang on here are very friendly and unjudgmental, i find they always give me good advice when i need it.
Mains wands are basically some of the most powerful vibes out there. So if she’s got one, maybe consider talking about trying it out with her. Its just a tool like any other after all.
It can take me 30mins plus (up to an hour sometimes) to orgasm from just fingers, so sensitivity can vary hugely from person to person.
If both partners have the mindset of putting the other party’s needs first and focusing on their pleasure, rather than their own, then that’s a very good starting point for being sexually compatible.
If you want to encourage sexual communication and look for new ideas, you could try the app ‘Kindu’ or a similar app. It’s really good as it presents you both with various suggestions each day, If you both say that you are into that particular suggestion then it comes up as a ‘match’ and you can then ‘wink’ to each other to turn the suggestion into action!
The key thing is communication, feedback and being comfortable with one another.
Secondly, my intimate parts lack sensitivity too, and sex used to hold little interest for me (can’t feel anything… what’s the point?!) when a partner (or me) was more focused on the end game.
Maybe you could make it more about the experience of sharing intimacy, and also play games to lighten the mood? Things got better for me personally when I started wearing sexy lingerie and we introduced a small, non-intimidating bullet vibrator, while keeping the mood light. Just wearing the undies and laying together while watching TV helped, I think, because it normalised us/me as sexual beings before potentially rehashing any old frustrations of sex for the sake of it. Maybe you could try something similar?
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