Advise please I have an inappropriate & confused friend!

Off-Topic Chat
1

I've been with my OH 3 years and we are 100% happy, the other night whilst so drunk that I was on the verge of passing out I had a friend become very inappropriate with me.

This guy had been getting off with another guy who has been out as gay for years however the guy in hand seems a bit confused!

They were both at mine after a night out chatting downstairs when they called a cab, the guy who is openly gay went to check to see if the cab was outside. I was on the sofa nearly falling asleep when the guy sitting inside still decided he wanted to try and use his hands on me, trying to get to my mouth and kissing my face, naturally I did NOT want him to and coming to my senses pushed him away in a bit of a daze.

The guy checking on the cab saw the whole thing and went off in a huff. I tell the guy in the room with me to leave and go with him (he at this point is fairly unable to keep control of his own movements himself)
He does NOT leave and pushes me to the floor, he isn't violent but extremely 'laddish' and forceful, pulling my skirt up. Nothing happens but he tries so hard to have sex with me rubbing himself against me, before I end up hitting him in the face! I wasn't scared of him more scared that I'd end up doing something I'd regret. I'd become that drunk and 'floppy' I nearly gave up and let him! The hole thing is quite hazy as I was falling in and out of consciousness from being so intoxicated!

There are funny things that happened from the night out that I'm being reminded of so we must have all had quite a few for me to forget stuff, seeing as I rarely forget things that have happened! I KNOW for a fact this guy is confused and I think it must have been some sort of meaning to prove he was straight or something. I get him to leave by throwing his things our of the front room window and he is drunkenly apologising and saying he's not gay and that I was 'up for it'. Which I assured him mulitple times that I wasn't and even after giving him a fat lip he didn't want to take the hint!

I am not really sure what to do, the guy who went off in a huff advised me not to mention it to my OH as nothing happened and it will only make him paranoid as we are in a long distance relationship at the moment.
I have never been unfaithful and we are in a very stable relationship so I don't want to risk making us unhappy and causing any upset. Just from that fact that I got myself into that situation and was careless would make my OH question me regardless of the fact that nothing happened so I just don't know what to do!

2

I would of done more than slap him he would of left with no bollocks .

I would be having a very strong word with that man that this its acceptable to do that to a lady as hes very close to be on the verge of rape if you hadnt stopped him .

3

I'd tell him he needs to admit he was seriously wrong, or just get out of your life, no 'friend' acts that way without a sober explanation and grovelling apology!!!!

and tell your OH, it'll only open up a whole world of crap if he finds out later...

4

I agree. No man should do that no matter how drunk he is, if someone done that to me my partner would f*+k them up big time!

5

I would be very angry if that was my friend. I had a similar situation with a guy from my work. He wouldn't take know for an answer and ended up climbing into my bed while I slept. We didn't speak for a year following the event because I was so upset and mentioned to another friend who then punched him.
I personally can't keep things from my partner, but I know my partner would prob try to smack the other guy that had done that to me. So you will have to decide whether you feel you want to tell your partner what happened and think about how he might react.
Your friend may have been drunk but it was no way to behave of you where saying know. I really think you need to talk to him and tell him how much it upset you etc and make sure he apologies, otherwise your friendship will completly fall apart

6

I just know I can become flirty when drunk and even though I told him No I still feel like I could have done more not too let it get that far! He's not Like that AT all which makes it all so confusing! It definitely wasn't attempted rape, I know I would have had to put up more of a fight for me to even consider it that!
I get very flirtatious when I’ve been drinking and the guy who saw him touching me up said I looked like I was enjoying it! Not that I can remember it being pleasurable in the slightest, considering I was dozing in and out of sleep it can’t have been that nice for me!
Surely if this is ALL his fault I wouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt but I can’t help but feel I could have done more to stop it. If I wasn’t so drunk I would have had a lot more sense of the situation and a head on my shoulders, but I was a drunken mess who just wanted to sleep I know like most women I enjoy attention when I go out so It saddens me to think I might of given off any kind off any vibes like this :(
I just feel like I could have been ANYONE like any female and he would have acted the same. As if trying to prove something to himself!

7

Naughty nurse 85 wrote:

I would be very angry if that was my friend. I had a similar situation with a guy from my work. He wouldn't take know for an answer and ended up climbing into my bed while I slept. We didn't speak for a year following the event because I was so upset and mentioned to another friend who then punched him.
I personally can't keep things from my partner, but I know my partner would prob try to smack the other guy that had done that to me. So you will have to decide whether you feel you want to tell your partner what happened and think about how he might react.
Your friend may have been drunk but it was no way to behave of you where saying know. I really think you need to talk to him and tell him how much it upset you etc and make sure he apologies, otherwise your friendship will completly fall apart

I suppose the title of this thread is fairly misleading, the guy isn't a close friend I've only known him a few months, he's part of a mutual friendship group, so I wouldn't be bothered about our 'friendship' fell apart me and the guy who saw us are completly fine and we have a bit of a laugh about it now and I just want to forget the whole thing. I know things wouldn't end well if my OH found out, he finds it hard to trust people, and knowing this guy is around me will eat away at him. He has no reason not to trust me but I know it would just keep reminding him that I'm away from him and things like this could happen and I just dont' want him worrying.

8

It's sexual assault no matter how drunk you both were. This guy is a danger friend or not. It may be out of character or may possibly not be out of character and I think informing the police would be the correct action. This guy could be the smallest step away from actually raping someone.

9

Okay, just going to say this, based on your last comment "I got myself into that situation and was careless....etc" It doesn't matter if you were passed out, unconcious, high as a kite with your skirt around your nipples and no pants on....THAT is not an invitation or a hint that you are "asking for it" ever....ever ever ever. What that is, is someone excusing their own disgusting behavior on alcohol and the victim. If you ever come across a friend in that state (Which is a state less than you were in) you would protect her dignity, cover her up, take her to bed and make sure she was safe, not think "Oooh shes unconscious and theres a hole...lets see what we can stick in it. No!

I can't keep anything from my partner and he would be the one person I could confide in. I understand why you would feel worried about him maybe questioning you but honestly, you did nothing wrong...NOTHING. No means NO. You said no when he tried to kiss you and start touching you, you therefore did not encourage this guy or ask for any of this. I don't think your partner will blame you in any way (If he does he needs to wonder what on earth he is thinking!) but it could make him want to go cause "trouble" in some way or defend you in some way and that may be something you don't want, especially if this so called "man" is genuinely on the floor guilty as hell sorry, to the point of being scared of drinking again because clearly he lacks control, and you want to continue a friendship of some kind.

That was attempted rape. Seriously something he could be arrested and in big trouble for. I mean, the guy even continued after you hit him. I ....just..... No words :(

10

Oh and you didn't ask for this to happen and although angry your oh should know.

11

__Jadey__ wrote:

It definitely wasn't attempted rape, I know I would have had to put up more of a fight for me to even consider it that!

First off, can I just say that how much or how little you fight has NOTHING to do with whether it was attempted rape or not. How flirty you are has nothing to do with it. What separates rape from having sex is consent. And you were clearly not consenting to the activity; this applies to when you're so drunk you've passed out as you can't consent in those circumstances. Just to clear that up; sorry. ^^;

Now, to me, I'd have to say that that was definitely attempted rape and sexual assault - he tried to force sexual intercourse on you that you didn't want. And I wouldn't agree with your other friend who said not to tell your OH. If you don't tell him and he finds out later, the fact that you kept it quiet might make it seem like you were consenting - as if you have something to be guilty about, which you don't - even though you clearly were not. If you tell him how much you didn't want it - and that you never said yes, never encouraged him, told him no, tried to push him off, and even hit the guy (all of this in an extremely drunken state if you were close to passing out) - he should understand. Because it's perfectly clear that this friend of yours was trying to take advantage of you when you were in a state where you were more easily overpowered.

Edit: Fluffbags took the words out of my mouth. :) <3

12

Stuburns wrote:

It's sexual assault no matter how drunk you both were. This guy is a danger friend or not. It may be out of character or may possibly not be out of character and I think informing the police would be the correct action. This guy could be the smallest step away from actually raping someone.

It does sound alot worse than it is, but I wasn't screaming at him to get off of me or anything it wasn't violent or 'attacking'. But I was pretty much letting it happen till I came to my senses and smacked him. He probably would have stopped if I said no a few more times but I was pretty much drifting in and out of consciences but I was still aware! I started with a “Look , stop it, I’m not interested and I’m taken” to a “listen to me this is ridiculous, just get off” I am 100% certain I am NOT reporting him, it was definitely just one of those drunken moments, that we need to draw a line under.

13

__Jadey__ wrote:

I just know I can become flirty when drunk and even though I told him No I still feel like I could have done more not too let it get that far! He's not Like that AT all which makes it all so confusing! It definitely wasn't attempted rape, I know I would have had to put up more of a fight for me to even consider it that!
I get very flirtatious when I’ve been drinking and the guy who saw him touching me up said I looked like I was enjoying it! Not that I can remember it being pleasurable in the slightest, considering I was dozing in and out of sleep it can’t have been that nice for me!
Surely if this is ALL his fault I wouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt but I can’t help but feel I could have done more to stop it. If I wasn’t so drunk I would have had a lot more sense of the situation and a head on my shoulders, but I was a drunken mess who just wanted to sleep I know like most women I enjoy attention when I go out so It saddens me to think I might of given off any kind off any vibes like this :(
I just feel like I could have been ANYONE like any female and he would have acted the same. As if trying to prove something to himself!

This is all extremely typical. These feelings are exactly what victims of abuse/rape/attempted rape etc feel. Maybe if I hadnt had that extra drink, maybe if I hadn't worn that skirt, maybe maybe. Hunni whatever your behaviour, even flirting your ass off, does not make it acceptable for someone to cross the line when you say no. No means no. Was it the same guy who said to you not to tell your partner that also put the idea into your head that "You looked like you were enjoying it?" Deep down your gut instinct is telling you the truth...."I just feel like I could of been ANYONE like any female and he would have acted the same" I mean, you punched the guy and he still didn't take the hint? At what point did you not make it clear? :S

Imagine it was a friend of yours in this situation. If you knew your friend was flirty and got very drunk, would you say to her "well, you deserved it then" No, no one deserves to have that line crossed, when the words "No" come out of your mouth and the other person continues, feeds you excuses (Come on, you know you want to, you flirted) THAT right there has crossed the line from consensual to not consensual, and non consent is abuse, rape (Attempted or full) Please try to talk to some close friends or anyone else who is not involved and try to decide what to do for the best for you. Just, please do not blame yourself in any of this. There is no excuse, even alcohol. Do the courts let rapists walk because they were drunk? Nope. There is no excuse.

It is also worth noting that the common belief is women will fight kick and scream back when being attacked like that and it isnt always true. In fact it is often the opposite, I have read things like they feel like they zone out, like out of body experience, they shut down, they lie there to get it over with (As you said you almost felt like doing yourself) too scared to fight back, feeling guilty and many more confusing things.

I am not trying to drum it into your head YES YOU WERE. I personally think he was attempting it, but I know you do not feel that way from what you have said and thats okay. My best advice is to go with your gut instinct and do what feels right for you, whether thats walking away from the friendship, telling your guy or not telling him, police or no police. Whatever decision you make just always remember you did nothing wrong, no matter what the circumstance leading up to this.

14

Personally No means No & if you're not conscious enough to give a yes then by god surely that's the biggest no a bloke could ever hear.
His behaviour is absolutely disgusting and he needs to know that you could go to the police and have him arrested for sexual assault at the very least.
I'd also make sure your OH knows, just in case the rumour mill starts. You don't want him hearing it from someone else.

15

Jadey, I’m so sorry that you had to deal with this. I understand that you have no desire to report this, and that is no one's choice but yours to make.

However I am going to state that this was not your fault. This needs to keep being said, not just for you, but for anyone else who comes across this thread later and worries that it was. And also because we do live in a rape culture where women are made to feel their preceding actions validate those who refuse to understand no is no and we need more voices out there in the world that fight against that.

I am going to say this as simply as possible:

No is always no. A none yes is a no. Silence is a no.

If doesn’t matter if you’re drunk. Or they are. Or you both are.

It doesn’t matter if you flirted. Or if you’ve had sex with them before. Or if you’re together and in love.

It doesn’t matter what people on the outside of that situation looking in say, if they think you looked like you wanted it.

It doesn’t matter how loud you scream, or how much you fight, or if you shut down in fear.

It doesn’t matter if you have a physical reaction to what is done to you.

It doesn’t matter if you gave consent and then withdrew it.

It all comes down to a no.

Legally we can call the incident sexual assault or attempted rape. However we also need to remember that we don’t get to tell those who are attacked, survivors, how they should classify what was done to them. Millions of women fit these events in to their lives in a myriad of ways, what we need to do is allies is listen when the stories are told and offer support.

Jadey, only you can know the impact of telling your OH what happened. You have to trust your own judgment there. But if you need to talk know that there is a community here and there are plenty of outside resources too.

16

WOW, this is not a nice story, and I think Jadey is the only one who was there and knows how it was for her. No means NO.

He should have stopped, they were both blind drunk. Maybe call the police helpline and speak to them about what happened.

You might be letting a serial offender off the hook or you might be drawing the line under a one off.

Talk to a professional, the friend who saw everything is no friend, he should have intervened instead of leaving you to it. My advice, don't drink with either of them. Neither can be trusted to do the right thing under the given circumstances.

This is no laughing matter for him to joke with you about, the very fact you've come here means you're struggling to cope with the situation.

Sit back, detach from your story, read what you wrote but think as if someone else wrote it..what would you advise them? Then act on your own advice.

17

All I can really echo here is what others have said. this man took advantage of you and tried to force himself on you. No one deserves that, and it is not your fault. Please do not listen to the other guy (who, if I understand correctly, has an emotional and sexual relationship with the one who attacked you) and belive in your gut instincts.

Talking about things like this can be hard with people you know. This charity offers a phone line for adivce and someone to talk to. They won't force you to report him if you do not want to, that is your descision.

http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/gettinghelp2.php

I would also tell your OH, as he can offer you help and support.

18

Lillybeth wrote:

Jadey, I’m so sorry that you had to deal with this. I understand that you have no desire to report this, and that is no one's choice but yours to make.

However I am going to state that this was not your fault. This needs to keep being said, not just for you, but for anyone else who comes across this thread later and worries that it was. And also because we do live in a rape culture where women are made to feel their preceding actions validate those who refuse to understand no is no and we need more voices out there in the world that fight against that.

I am going to say this as simply as possible:

No is always no. A none yes is a no. Silence is a no.

If doesn’t matter if you’re drunk. Or they are. Or you both are.

It doesn’t matter if you flirted. Or if you’ve had sex with them before. Or if you’re together and in love.

It doesn’t matter what people on the outside of that situation looking in say, if they think you looked like you wanted it.

It doesn’t matter how loud you scream, or how much you fight, or if you shut down in fear.

It doesn’t matter if you have a physical reaction to what is done to you.

It doesn’t matter if you gave consent and then withdrew it.

It all comes down to a no.

Legally we can call the incident sexual assault or attempted rape. However we also need to remember that we don’t get to tell those who are attacked, survivors, how they should classify what was done to them. Millions of women fit these events in to their lives in a myriad of ways, what we need to do is allies is listen when the stories are told and offer support.

Jadey, only you can know the impact of telling your OH what happened. You have to trust your own judgment there. But if you need to talk know that there is a community here and there are plenty of outside resources too.

Thank you Lillybeth, I think this has been an extremely helpful piece of advise, I think it's about what I feel is right for me. I am no longer struggeling to understand 'what i did wrong' you've all made me realise it was out of my own control.
I know for a fact that I will be able to just forget the whole thing and move on from it, but I know my boyfriend wouldn't be able to let it go.
It will constantly just hang over him and it wil cause tension between us, because its just the way we are, I like to live in the now and just take each day as it comes and it will upet me knowing he would be thinking about it from time to time as we are long distance.
We trust eachother completely but like any couple living far away from eachother, we don't always trust the world around our partner and worry about them.

I can live with what has happened, as I know it wasn't my fault. I have a feeling of guilt from not telling my OH but that is something that within time I will know was for the best, in the long run I tihnk it would be best for my relationship if he doesn't know. He doesn't know any of the people involved either so its imposible to find out from anyone other than myself.

I have an extremely close friend visiting me tonight and I will be able to tell her every last detail, I trust her thouroughly and I'm sure her advisse will help me decide for sure what to do!
Thank you all for your lovely word though, I really aprriciate it x

19

Sorry to hear about this Jadey, but I'm glad you've been able to come to terms with it quickly. Although, this could still be shock and confusion, and it could crop up again at any point in the future. I would strongly urge you to speak with your OH for some support, for now, and in case you feel troubled about this in the future.

I understand your reasons for not wanting to tell your OH, but since you seem to have mutual friends, you don't know if this could be brought up to your OH, or overheard by your OH in the future. I know you might think this is really unlikely, but there is still a chance it could happen, and I can imagine that would be most hurtful to him knowing this has happened and he hasn't known about it. Especially if he's still around this person, more than likely he will resent that you've let him be around him when he's done this to you. He will feel cheated and betrayed, and that will be a worse outcome.

20

Sorry for what happened to you, but staying quiet is not what is required. The individual needs a 'slap', if I was your OH I would be greatly upset if I found out from others, I certainly won't apportion blame to you , purely on the individual and once I found him, I would introduce him to a whole world of hurt and teach him that no means no!