Am I Asexual?

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Evening all. I'm going to open myself up a bit here but honestly, I'm curious. I go through periods somewhat regularly where I basically don't have any thoughts or desires about sex or people in general.

I have had a couple of relationships in the past, and my drive was limited at best but... Well sometimes I don't mind playing around with myself or using toys but, I'm not actually thinking about a person at all.

I'm not sure why I'm like this. I had a lot of traumatic stuff happen while I was going through puberty (not abuse, just several deaths of close relatives all at once) and I guess I never really was bothered because of this?

Sometimes I feel attracted towards someone or an idea but a lot of the time, it seems as interesting as watching paint dry. ...oddly enough though, despite this I still enjoy playing around with toys and other bits

1 Like
2

hi, slime covered cow.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I didn't have any traumatic issues growing up, but over the last four or five years, I to have lacked interest sexually in other people.

It's like a tap has been turned off, I have no issues with getting aroused or pleasuring myself but there is just not that attraction with other people and nor do I seek it.

I to wondered if I was asexual having read a news article about it recently and it would seem that it is becoming the norm in certain generations.

I know this doesn't help you in understanding if you too are asexual or not but just wished to pass on your not alone.

1 Like
3

I'm feeling the same way.

I still see people who I fancy, and I'm in a very happy relationship, though we haven't had sex for a few years.

My partner has a lower sex drive to me.

I play with my toys and I satisfy myself, but I'm not really interested in the physical sexual contact with anyone else at the moment, and haven't been for some time.

Again, I can't say if you're asexual or not, but just wanted you to know that others feel the same way.

1 Like
4

Hello SCC,

I can't help but feel moved by your endearing and touching comments.

Sometimes I don't think about sex or the act of sex itself. I also go through phases where I don't have thoughts or desires about my OH or thoughts regarding other people in general.

I do think this is related to my emotional instability (also known as Borderline Personality Disorder), which I have recently been diagnosed with.

I sometimes have periods where I don't feel sexual toward my husband (not because I don't love or fancy him, because I sure do!), I can even lose interest in toys and anything associated with sex. This frustrates me a lot and I think this happens to others more than we think, just like everything else that goes on in life.

I myself, have a lot going on at the moment mentally and physically and this makes things more difficult. I know my husband loves me, but sometimes I can't help feeling I'm neglecting him or being ignorant to his sexual desires - just because 'I' don't feel like it.

This makes me sad and worried, that when I go through this, the sexual desire may not return and I end up just forcing myself to get back into stuff. Just like when depression attacks you and you just have to climb out of that black hole.

I went through abuse many years ago and this has affected me greatly. I can appreciate that you don't think about anyone when masturbating and using toys etc, because I have this same experience.

I guess I've realised I see orgasm as a physical release, rather than connected with love, which is such a shame. I used to touch myself a lot years ago to deplete my stress levels. I find it so difficult to reach orgasm now at times, because I am in love and I'm so used to doing it as a stress release only (without thinking about anyone or sex, while I do it).

I think this is something I hadn't quite realised fully before, until you've brought it up on here. I am going to mention my thoughts about my struggle to orgasm (and that I just associate it with stress release) to my sex therapist, when I arrange the appointments.

I'm sorry if I'm not very helpful, but I do relate to and understand what you are going through and how confusing it is for you.

Does the way I am, mean I'm Asexual do you think? I wonder? Generally I'm quite content with myself when I'm not having fluctuations in my mood.

Just wanted to let you know, I know how it feels to be confused about yourself and I am here to support you too. I do hope I've helped because you've helped me to realise things about myself too. x

Look forward to more comments on this. Thanks so much.

1 Like
5

I can relate to you all. I go through phases of not being intrested at all . I have no desire what so ever to have a sexual relationship with my husband. I dont think about it or want it but i will play solo. A lot of the time I just do it to please my husband , Your right it is like a tap being turned on and off . I seem to go from one extreme to another i.e very sexual for a week to completey nothing very quickly and I feel I could live with only my toys for a stress relief.

1 Like
6

Like most things asexuality is a spectrum, you can not be interested in anything sexual at all, you could only be interested in sexual activity in terms of toys and masterbation, some get enjoyment from watching porn but have no desire to do anything themes or perhaps they are sexually attracted to people but very very very rarely. All are valid in calling themselves asexual.

Myself, I am very rarely sexually attracted to someone, but use toys daily, as others have said it's a purely physical release. I know I'm not aromantic as I long for intimacy but somehow that is completely separate from sex to me except in very rare occasions, I think I would be perfectly ok to get intimacy from someone on other ways and sexual release from toys. If I enjoy porn it from the sense of imagining the physical sensations they are experiencing, I'm barely looking at the person. I don't use labels for myself and particularly in this situation as I don't know if it's just because I haven't had the chance to experience both together but there hasn't been anyone I want to with.

Going back to your question, whether you identify as asexual is really down to you, no-one can tell you that you're not, and if it is helpful to your sense of who you are to be part of a community then that's great . You are a person who enjoys some things and not others, these things can change with time, experiences and many other factors and you are still you and wonderful.

1 Like
7

Hi . Yes I think everyone as there moments I though I was gay at one point in my life for one year I can only get off to thinking about a woman . I had very bad upbringing and due to medication mental heath Its lows my sex drive but if I get in the mood my self then I can have some grate sex with my self or partner. If your worried I would say go to the doctors . Could be anything from depression or medication your taking anything but your not alone and not the only one . Some days weeks am not in the mood but lucky for me I have a grate parter and he will get me in the mood by doin what I like or just be understanding and with play with him self .For me it’s depression mainly . please don’t be embarrassed to talk to a doctor or if have a partner talk to them . Me and my parter talk about everything we have a grate sex life when we have sex becuse we talk about what we like don’t like and what we will try and not try and also when are just tired and stressed and just want a love and hug and this what more Couples Need to do be more open with each other you mite be surprise how much the other half under stands . Like you said you can get off by playing with your self or toys if your in a relationship Get your parter to play with you or use a toys on you or even go done on you to get you in the mood but the main thing is talking to a doctor and if your with someone your parter xx good luck hunny your not a lone there lots woman and men who are the same . I not Shore if your a sexual I don’t like labels people can change and swap what they like and don’t like though out life like my self I love porn and playing solo sometime I could just do this for weeks but then I thing about my parter or I think about a woman why am having sex or I just thing about nothing like your self . I think your just goin though a time in your life that your just not interested can be day or weeks months years and we all do at some points on how life x

1 Like
8

Hi guys,

I'm reading that and honestly I'm quite surprised to see that's not only me who feels this way. My hubby is a beautiful person and even though we're solid, I do feel very guilty for our intimacy issues which I believe are most due to my personal problems. I've spent a few years going thorugh the motion when having sex, specially after the virth of our daughter, and I got to a point in which I've just got tired of finding excuses and I told him I didn't feel desire or lust for having sex with him.

Obviously he got upset and he told me that, but slowly we've been working towards recovering our intimacy, but it's so hard. He knows I've recently found out the joys of masturbation, only last year, and now I'm such a convert, I love my self-love sessions, have loads of toys, some of them were given to me by him as presents. I feel so guilty for not "feeling" the same towards having sex with him, because he's such a nice man and I love him to bits. I miss the intimacy and I know that the sex thing always got us really close and it seems it's not the same without it.

I also feel like my orgasms are kinda a phsical release, something that helps me cope with the stresses of daily life. For me it's the same as working out, I do feel such a sense of calmness and relief afterwards. But upsets me not knowing why can't I feel lust and desire for someone that I deeply love?

Knowing that there's more people out there that feels the same it's somehow reassuring because I don't feel like someone weird or not normal. Hopefully this thread will shed some light over my worries and questions.

1 Like
10

Thank you for the replies all, it has helped me fee a fair bit better about myself.

I've only ever been attracted to two people, and even then my drive was low as hell.

I guess this is all a by-product of having some really traumatic stuff happening around puberty but I'm not sure whether I need to address it. I'm not exactly unhappy about it, or happy about it.

I do enjoy playing around with toys but again I'm more enjoying the sensation, and not actually thinking or imagining someone.

I've been called a liar for this a few times but, I've only watch porn a handful of times in my life. My friends called me out on it when I brought this up once, but genuinely it does nothing for me at all. I've tried, I've tried watching it a few times but it doesn't really phase me.

Admittedly it turns out a few years after having this conversation, my friends discussed it between themselves. Some of them believed I was asexual and decided not to bother or include it in our usual banter again, etc

I guess is this is more common than I thought, and I'm not completely crazy (which is somewhat reassuring)

.
1 Like
11

SCC think you need to change your friends as there is definitely nothing wrong with you. Keep doing whatever makes you happy. There are plenty of us in this boat, so enjoy the ride

12

raztaz17 wrote:

SCC think you need to change your friends as there is definitely nothing wrong with you. Keep doing whatever makes you happy. There are plenty of us in this boat, so enjoy the ride

I think I worded this a bit wrong. They did tease me a little bit about it when it wad randomly brought up in conversation, but after they realised I was dead-pan serious about it they kinda discussed it and accepted it, and decided not to push it. I didn't realise they had a discussion about it, but I can imagine they found it a little strange
13

Sorry my misunderstanding

14

I feel like this a lot. I find it very difficult to connect with other people and I feel like I'm from another planet or something. Like I'm always outside of the circle. But I don't mind, I don't want to be in the circle anyway.

Porn also doesn't do anything for me. The last time I watched porn was to learn how to use my sex toys, lol. "Hmm...Oh from that angle? I see. How interesting. I'll have to try it like that." I only think of my own weird little fantasies and that's enough for me.

Could it be that losing people early on in life has made you pull away from others to avoid getting hurt? I also lost people when I was young and it did probably have an effect on me growing up and made me more reclusive with my emotions but I'm not sure.

1 Like
15

Decided to reappear to contribute to this.

Asexuality is defined as a lack of sexual attraction to anyone.

It's possible to be asexual and still have a sex drive. It's possible to be asexual and still have sex, either as a compromise to please a partner or because one genuinely enjoys the experience. It's possible to be asexual and use sex toys - the point being it's solely the lack of sexual attraction that defines asexuality.

Asexuality also exists on a spectrum, much like the Kinsley scale; there's being asexual at one end and full-blown sexual at the other. The middle is the grey area (and is referred to as the grey area) where one is somewhere in between.

I'm in the grey area; I identified as asexual for about 5 years because I had no idea what sexual attraction actually was; no one had ever given me a clear definition. I've since found some very good descriptions of what sexual attraction feels like and I realise I've felt a fleeting form of it on a few occasions, hence I'm in the grey area; I'm not asexual, as I do sometimes experience sexual attraction, but it's so rare and briefly I experience it I'm not a fully sexual person either.

If anyone would like to look further into the concept of asexuality, the asexuality visibility and education network (AVEN) is a great source of information.

https://www.asexuality.org/en/

1 Like