Am I doing it wrong?

Off-Topic Chat
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Ok, so this may take a little explaining so please bear with me!

On another thread I said that it has been 2 years since I last had sex, which does make me feel a bit stupid! But I am starting to wonder if its all me, am I to blame, am I doing something wrong, so I though I would ask for your opinions!

So my last few relationships have been basically sexless! They started out fine, plenty of love, affection and sex, but very quickly turned around! The sex stops first (not for me trying to keep it going) the affection follows quite soon after and then I get sacked, usually for someone else!

Now I am a very open minded, wear my heart on my sleeve and a very sexual kinda person! I find it easy to open up to people! I love everything about sex and am comfortable talking about it but found that people I have been with recently seem very closed off and don’t even want to talk about it let alone do it!

I guess I am kind a typical male because I don’t like being on my own, I’ve always craved someone to spend my time with and I deeply miss affection and sexual contact with someone! Having said that there is still a part of me that wonders if I am in the wrong or something! So when I was younger and before I met my first real girlfriend I was a typical Essex boy, sleeping around was the norm! I have always felt that sex was just an activity people do together and doesn’t necessarily need to be part of a relationship! Even though I crave the love and affection that comes with a relationship, is it wrong of me to still be open to no strings sex?

So am I doing it all wrong, being overly sexual (I don’t open with that conversation BTW, just when it feels natural to start it), open and missing the things that I do? Can people tell when you crave things like that?

Oh, and one more thing is my job; so my job makes it almost impossible to meet people the old fashioned way, I have tried online and that’s where my last few relationships have came from and it kinda scares me that I might stuck in a cycle of bad sexless relationships!

Any one got any ideas where I am going wrong?

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Could it be the type of person you are meeting? If you are meeting people for a relationship, then they will want everything that comes with a relationship - not just sex.

Maybe meet up with some like-minded people who want the same thing and then see how it goes from there. You may find someone who can satisfy your sexual needs and someone who wants a similar relationship to the one you’re looking for.

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@TheSlowOrange You’re in the right place to ask questions so have made a good choice.

There’s nothing wrong with being ‘sexual’ and enjoying sex. The issue often arises when one party is more open than the other to frank discussions and being less reserved than the other. For some it can come across as too full on, especially in the early days. Others will be more receptive. There’s no one size fits all.

With the prevalence of online dating and interaction (especially with the current lockdown situation) it’s easy to come across as just another guy looking for a quick and easy hook up rather than a relationship if the conversation quickly gets too sexual. Even those more open to early physical interaction will still want to know more about you before the topic of any chat gets too hot. Slow things down a bit and don’t focus on sex chat too soon. React to how their end of the conversation is going, rather than try and steer it in a certain direction.

Most like a bit of flirty banter but there’s a fine line between that and coming across as a sex crazed young guy looking to get his rocks off.

Good luck. Online dating is fraught with the problems you’re encountering and the number of people claiming to be after relationships and then ghosting people as soon as they’ve got intimate doesn’t help.

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It sounds like you are meeting the wrong people. Many relationships have that New Relationship Energy phase when there is a lot of sex and affection and everything which does fade eventually. But if it is all stopping completely, it sounds like you just have mismatched desires.

Being open and enjoying sex is not a bad thing but if you are with someone who isn’t on at least a similar level, it may be quite overwhelming to them. When people get overwhelmed by sex, often the response is to stop doing it at all, which then leads to frustrations on both sides and problems in the relationship.

If you are using online dating, I’d suggest being fairly upfront on your profile saying you are looking for love but that sexual compatibility is very important and you enjoy lots of sex/experimenting in the bedroom/whatever it is but be a bit more descriptive than “open”.

There is nothing wrong with no strings sex as long as you are honest with everyone involved.

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Totally agree with everything @Calie said!

Personally, if I was looking for a long term relationship I would rather that person was upfront about what they want in terms of sex, it wouldn’t put me off if it was mentioned early on as long as they didn’t then want sex on the first date. I am happily married, but, if I was dating I would want to find a partner who was compatible with me sexually. Knowing that the other person enjoyed lots of sex / experimenting would make me more attracted to them rather than put me off. But that might just be me!

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Thank you guys, I’ve got to head off to work but I’ll get back to you all tomorrow :slight_smile:

Thanks again :slight_smile:

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If you want your own space but need for example “a once a week girlfriend” and it’s never going to be anything more (like 24/7 living together…full on relationship) but want to be sexually active with just that one person then be upfront about what you want from the start.

Nothing wrong at all about wanting no strings sex…lots out there are the same.

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Absolutely not. You just need to have clear boundaries set in your head so that when you are having casual sex, you don’t start seeking the love/affection if that’s not what’s been agreed with both parties. Similarly, being clear from the beginning with the person you’re having sex with about exactly what you see the relationship being, and checking they’re happy with that.

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