I've had it with him!

Off-Topic Chat
1

Hiya! Long post coming up.

Ive been with OH now for 2 years, we get on really really well and I really do love him. However now I'm getting frustrated and at my wits ends with him. When we first got together his sex drive was through the roof, mine was fairly high but not as high as it is now. I honestly have never been hornier. His has now dropped off. We have had sex twice now since NYD, and it's taking it's toll on me. Toys aren't cutting it, new lingerie has it's effect briefly and then it's only a quick fondle on the sofa, which he seems to only be doing to make me happy and not because he really wants to - which is a huge turnoff.

It's not just the sex I miss, but the desire. I don't feel like I'm wanted or needed by him at all, like he could give or take me when it comes to anything physical. He hardly kisses me anymore. But on an emotional level, we just click. He makes me laugh like no one else can and we just get on really well. I'm now wondering if we really just get on better as friends rather than lovers.

I've spoken to him about this time and time again, the last being thursday. He is constantly just saying he is stressed. He has no responsibilites at work. Yes he worries about money, but to be honest, don't we all. I also have things to stress about, I was made redundant last year and now I'm just working temporary so the money isn't anything compared to what I used to get. I am submitting UCAS applications to university, and have to hope and pray I get accepted. But I deal with it! As much as he says it isn't personal or aimed towards me, it really is starting to feel like it is. We had a huge row in November which ended up in me packing alot of my stuff and going to my parents after I found an account to a website on the computer saying he was looking for fun and intimacy. I told him I want different things, I would like children eventually but I would love to get married. He thinks it is a huge fuss and a piece of paper, and after talking all night after i turned back after 30 minutes of driving, he said he would give me what I want as he desperatley didn't want to lose me.

Christmas comes, and cut a long story short, I was 99.9% sure he was going to propose. He gave me all the hints; it was a huge suprise and hadn't told anyone else, it was small and he had to go and pick it out. He said alot of other things but those are the 3 that really stick out. I got a teddy bear. I kept it to myself until the other day when I told him of a friend having a similar experience over the holidays and then admitted I thought he was going to propose too. I was gutted. Genuinelley gutted. My heart still sinks a little thinking about it. I only told him this the other day.

I've just felt he is less and less interested in me and I'm bloody fed up of hearing this as an excuse. Fair enough he can not want sex, I get that, but I feel I'm getting nothing else from him to suggest we are a couple. I live with him in his house, we have a dog together, and to an extent, have a life together. He doesn't suggest date nights, he doesn't want to take me out, plan a sexy evening together and feel I constantly have to make all the effort. I booked a 2 night break at Hotel De Vie in the suite for our anniversary and in the end cancelled that as I was having to pay for it all and at the time couldn't afford it for a 2 night break. I had booked it last year for 2 nights, too, and cancelled that last minute because he didn't seem bothered about going.

What can I do? I feel like I'm in a romanceless, sexless, and loveless relationship, and all I seem to do is nag him about it which is obviously getting on my nerves, but will be having the same effect on him. I've suggested he go to the doctors and ask to be reffered to somebody that could help him deal with stress/sex issues he may have, but he doesn't seem to think he has a problem. I'm honestly so upset as I'm writing this. I feel guilty for wanting more from him but it seems like he doesn't want to give me the love I want and need to feel from him.

What can I do?

2

I'm afraid you'll just have to sit down and have a long talk about things. You can't just expect things to turn around without having a nice long and detailed chat about what you really feel and what you want out of the relationship.

3

I'll post something later when I get a bit of time

4

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. It sounds like you are in an awful position :( you obviously love him if you wanted him to propose so maybe it's worth sticking it out a bit longer? I think he would benefit from the drs but if he doesn't think he should go there isn't much you can do. My partner and I are mid way through a disagreement over something similar. My sex drive has decreased dramatically since we got together and he can't help taking it personally. It isn't about him at all though as I'm sure it isn't with your partner xx

5

MK7 wrote:

I'm afraid you'll just have to sit down and have a long talk about things. You can't just expect things to turn around without having a nice long and detailed chat about what you really feel and what you want out of the relationship.

He knows how I feel and where I want us to be. His reaction however just spoke volumes when I told him I thought he was going to propose. He seemed to just shrug his shoulders and say sorry and continue to play with the dog. I'm not expecting him to turn around overnight, but some bloody effort on his part is all I am asking for. I'm not asking for him to run out and buy a £5k engagment ring, to take me out every night for dinner and to never take his hands off me, just to feel wanted is enough.

Thanks everyone for your help and advice. I don't just want to bin him off, because I do love him. But I also will not stay in a relationship where I don't feel valued. I know we have lots of time for everything, including kids. I want to finish living my own life first before I would like to entertain the idea of being a Mother. I took alot of time off over Christmas as I knew he had been stressed, about 2.5 weeks. I didn't have to, but thought the time would do us the world of good together. I felt like I just got in his way, got on his nerves and to be honest wish I had gone to sodding work instead.

6

Sending many hugs your way, I'm sorry I can't really offer much advice, other than to make yourself happy above all else. x

You also mention you're applying to university? Maybe try for a bit longer and if you really can't handle it anymore, university could be a fresh start?

7

I don't have a lot to say, but sending you massive hugs! Removing little features like the kissing and the intimacy that goes with a relationship can be really hard on you. Maybe write a list of all the things you miss, and next to them add in how they could be added back
Eg holding hands, when sat on sofa next to each other resting a hand on their knee of giving their hand a squeeze

Then you could have a chat about it together x

8

I'm really sorry you're hurting. Everyone deserves to feel valued and respected in a relationship.
What you need to ask yourself (and be honest with your answer) is "Do I see my relationship with this man fulfilling my needs and desires of life in the future?" if the answer is no, then the relationship is pointless.
Love is wonderful (if difficult at times) but it just is not enough for a relationship to work. Sometimes with all the love in the world, two people are just not compatible long term.
Good luck, sweetheart x

9

I can feel your hurt but be patient and really listen to him when you talk to him

10

I don't really have any advice to offer I'm afraid, my husband has short periods of being like this but it's generally when he is genuinely stressed at work and quickly passes and things turn around and he becomes really touchy feely lol. I'm sorry you are going through this and I really hope you can work things out.xx

11

Hi, I read your post and really wanted to just off some support x

As I was reading it a number of things jumped out and I think there are so many issues but the only advice I can give is to go with your deep, gut feeling as to where you see your relationship going and what you want out of it.

I wish you all the best and good luck with uni xxx

13

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, it sounds awful. I've been in the same place with the proposal thing and I know how heartbreaking it is when you think it's going to happen and then it doesn't.

Sounds like there are lots of different issues going on, all of which are having a dramatic effect on your relationship and your general wellbeing. The obvious advice is to talk about your issues, but it seems like you've done that as much as you can. So he had another profile online looking for intimacy and fun? I know you commented on my post the other day when I found out my fiance was messaging his ex and you said you wouldn't tolerate that... so why would you be okay with him doing this?

You don't deserve this. You say that you packed and left for your parents the other day but didn't quite get there? Why not leave and stay away this time? Just for a few days or a week. Sounds like you need some space and he needs some time to really think about what he wants.

Big hugs x

14

Oh my.

Well there is no doubt you love your guy as you have poured your heart out on a forum making a post that eclipses mine in size which must be a first .

As you were hoping that he would propose to must indicate his intentions also. It's clear to me that you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy and perhaps he does to.

Well we are in 2016 now and I know you are thinking what's so special about that . Well it's a leap year which traditionally means that ladies can propose to their men on the 29th February. So why not book yourself a night away that includes the 29th February which is a Monday?

You can always use a ring pull from his favourite can of beer to represent a ring for now.

I am just wondering if your guy is like my brother? Outwardly we are very similar in appearance and drives my sister in law nuts because of his lack of intimacy if you like . I am the opposite being a romantic softy and she even got that upset once and admitted to my Mrs once that she married the wrong brother. However I know he thinks the world of her as they have been married 19 years but romance isn't his thing.

I think your OH could be similar. All I could suggest is perhaps have a chat and advise him of how you feel and to see if you can come to some terms to improve the intimacy side of things. But if he says romance isn't his thing then you may have to accept that. Many couples arn't 100% happy with their partner but are happy to over look these "inadequacies" in the name of love.My relationship is no different.and we are celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary this coming April.

Idon't know what to suggest about the differences in your sex drives as me and my Mrs are quite well matched being a low - medium range. Sex is completely off the menue during the working week but snogging and teasing is very much allowed. So sex for us is limited to weekends. What we lack in quantity we make up in quality and a session can last all evening.statistics wise we have only had 1 more session so far this year than yourselves.

More date nights could also help things as well as two people in a pub with drinks can open up more talk wise than sat at home in front of the box. You have seen the trouble I went to ,to get the Mrs to go out last Saturday night , well that was to stop us going back to our old ways and we ended up having a very enjoyable night out and the being dominant in the bedroom which is something I crave for. What Iam saying here is that probably many times like me you will have to take the lead in the relationship and organise things . I think it's a small price to pay if being honest.

But lastly don't chuck your relationship away as I think you will end up being hurt badly as you clearly love your fella and I think he loves you but is crap at showing it.

I hope I have given you a few things to consider .

Good luck and take care xx

15

Hmmm..I know things got heated when you had this out with him..In my honest opinion, I think you should walk away. You've had this out with him how many times now? and you're only getting more and more frustrated and upset and quite rightly too! He's in your words not got any stress at work but it's stress in itself coping with one and a bit wages. I know! been doing that shit for the past 28 yrs because I can't work full time! So that's very stressful!! It might not be the job in itself but being the no 1 bread winner in the household.

He's had more than enough time to show you how much you mean to him and "love" sometimes isn't enough! The blessing is is that you're not alreadtt married, that's when it get's heavy!

You've got loads of advice here hun, but at the end of the day we're a sounding tool only. It's your call and one you have to feel comfortable living with. He has an account and in it says he's looking for fun! well........................... I'm sure he's not the only person doing that is he?

16

BumblebeeBuzzed wrote:

I'm really sorry you're hurting. Everyone deserves to feel valued and respected in a relationship.
What you need to ask yourself (and be honest with your answer) is "Do I see my relationship with this man fulfilling my needs and desires of life in the future?" if the answer is no, then the relationship is pointless.
Love is wonderful (if difficult at times) but it just is not enough for a relationship to work. Sometimes with all the love in the world, two people are just not compatible long term.
Good luck, sweetheart x

+1. And I would suggest a short-term break too. Go to your parents for a few days, maybe a week, and think about how you feel and let him realise he's on the verge of losing you. Might make him actually listen to you too. If nothing improves after, you will have had your answer. As difficult as it can be, you can survive a lost love, but love really is not enough to keep two people happy together on the long run. I don't believe there's only one out there for each of us. I have been in love before, have suffered to lose it, but have found a new love when I least expected it and 10 years later couldn't be happier with him in all honesty. We owe it to ourselves to be happy and you are not right now. Hugs.
17

So sorry to hear you are going through this Sugarboobies. It must be awful, it really does sound like you are making all the effort for this relationship. I think he needs a wake up call, you deserve to be treated better!

I agree with era, a break would give him time to think about what he's got? You know the old saying....you don't know what you've got until it's gone? A break would give you and him time to think about what you both want. 

Hope you two can work it out. Sending hugs x

18

I am sorry. But in reality if he wont communicate it won't get better if you get married. Maybe the relationship has run its course or maybe there is something going on short term to cause this that can be fixed.

The feeling if new love and that level.of passion is addictive and pretty hard to sustain in my opinion. I never knew that there was actually such a thing as love addiction, but read up on it, its an i teresting concept. Taking a break here may offer you both some perspective as well.

19

Goodness, thankyou all for your help, advice and kind words.

Things got a little nasty last night I felt, he got very defensive. The trouble is after I tell him how I feel about things with him and us, he will always just want to hug me/kiss straight after and I see it as trying to shut me up and get me to leave the situation alone. It seems as though he is brushing it off. So when I told him how I felt, he got very very defensive saying we seem to have a good day then you just change your thoughts toward our relationship. I have had a lot of time to think lately about us and where things are going and since Christmas I have felt things really go downhill, but he wont see it.

I'm not one for saying marriage will fix us, I haven't suggested that as a way to make us better. Deep down as Mysteron said, I love him dearly, and he says he loves me, but has a really crap way of showing it. I understand every relationship has its ups and downs, but this feels more than a "rough patch". There is an age gap, I'l be 24 this year and is is turning 33 in a couple of weeks, and this is both our longest relationship.

He is SO laid back when it comes to us. I don't think it would bother him all that much if I did go home to my parents or not anytime soon. I doubt it would give him the wakeup call I feel he needs.

I do believe we have something special and I don't think it's enough to call it a day over completley, but I need concinving it's worth my time to stay. Does this make sense?

20

Hi there. I'm sorry to hear you have been going through such a tough time . It is frustrating when it feels like your needs are not being heard or met.

It sounds like having some space would do you both some good to think? What do you need? What do you want? What things you can compromise on and what things you can't. I agree with if things aren't working now just putting a ring on it won't make those problems disappear.

Is he the passive aggressive type? You said money he been tight, you live in his house and he had an account looking for fun and intimacy. Does he want things to end but doesn't want to come across as the bad guy? So by things not changing you get frustrated end things and then he not chucking you out.

Sometimes the best thing to do for yourself is all the most painful. Are you scared to leave because you love him? It is okay to love him but know being relationship isn't going to work. At the end of the day it takes more than love to make a relationship successful. Its hard work, communication, respect etc.

Whether you end up staying with him or not I hope you end up happy.

21

Ebony58 wrote:

Hi there. I'm sorry to hear you have been going through such a tough time . It is frustrating when it feels like your needs are not being heard or met.

It sounds like having some space would do you both some good to think? What do you need? What do you want? What things you can compromise on and what things you can't. I agree with if things aren't working now just putting a ring on it won't make those problems disappear.

Is he the passive aggressive type? You said money he been tight, you live in his house and he had an account looking for fun and intimacy. Does he want things to end but doesn't want to come across as the bad guy? So by things not changing you get frustrated end things and then he not chucking you out.

Sometimes the best thing to do for yourself is all the most painful. Are you scared to leave because you love him? It is okay to love him but know being relationship isn't going to work. At the end of the day it takes more than love to make a relationship successful. Its hard work, communication, respect etc.

Whether you end up staying with him or not I hope you end up happy.

As I said in my last post, I'm well aware that putting a ring on it will NOT make problems disapear.

I do love him, and understand it takes more than love to make something work. I'm just not sure he does.