Am I doing something wrong?? He never comes!

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Hi guys,

first post, although I have enjoyed reading the forum for years.

I'm here because i'm a bit confused and worried......been with my new partner for 3 months now, out sex life is very intense emotionally, and for me physically too, if much 'calmer' than what I'm used to! The thing is......he has never had an orgasm with me :(

We go for a couple of hours sometimes, and he seems to enjoy it, but just hasn't come yet. I asked about it one night and he said he was just not like other men, and for me not to read too much into it, but its starting to upset me, I'm taking it personally and to be honest I'm a bit insulted!!!! I've never had this problem before, in fact it's usually hard to get more than ten mins out of a man in my experience!

Dont get me wrong, I love the fact that he can go for so long and pays so much attention to me but.....?????

Any advice?

2

Does he wank often?

3

Sum Sub wrote:

Does he wank often?

If he does he could have death grip syndrome.

4

My other half lasts ages sometimes.
If I have a butt plug in he comes quicker ;)

5

delilahxx wrote:

Sum Sub wrote:

Does he wank often?

If he does he could have death grip syndrome.

. That's where I was going too
6

I dont know, dont think so?? To be honest I don't think he's very 'sexual' at all. I've never woken up with a boner poking me in the back! He can lie with me and not even get a twitch. Its starting to really affect my self confidence.

7

Can someone explain 'death grip symdrome'? x

8

If he wanks a lot using a tight grip it may mean he can't cum from sex or oral sex or basically anything at all except wanking.

9

But it is curable if it is that.

10

delilahxx wrote:

If he wanks a lot using a tight grip it may mean he can't cum from sex or oral sex or basically anything at all except wanking.

Yep - he'll have become accustomed to a certain type of stimulation and find it difficult to cum in other ways. Can you talk to him and find out what you can do to help him cum?
11

I'm sure I nearly had him once! Was giving him a BJ for the first time, and i could feel that he was going to come.....but he freaked out, sat up really quick and made me stop. This was the night that I brought it up and he said that he was just different....? But he got really upset all the next day so I just dropped it and said not to worry.

12

I think you have to talk to your partner and ask him about what makes him horny and what makes him cum. How does he please himself? If he wanks and cum than can you be with him the next time he does it? You can start by wanking him or learning the same way he uses his hands. With time and effort you can make him cum with your hands and even use some techniques into your lovemaking :)

13

Ohh! I think you really need to talk to him and find out what's "wrong". Try not to pressure him but be persistent until he opens up. Until then, enjoy the ride

14

I find that talking about it helps. I had this problem with my OH, we're LD and because he was so used to masturbating that he just wasn't able to relax enough during sex and he liked it his way.

The things we would do is I would cover his hand whilst giving him a handjob; getting used to the grip and how he needed it to be able to cum. Also different positions helped a lot.

We have a very open relationship so talking about it was never difficult for us and I believe that helped a lot. We talked about what we could do to help him.

What I also did was get him a male masturbator for when he wasn't with me, he was told never to use his hand and only to use that.

It might be a personal question but is he a virgin? or had limited partners; this may also contribute to it as it could be nerves causing the inability to climax.

15

If, as you say, he told you this is just the way he is and you shouldn't read too much into it, I think you may have to take him at his word. You have discussed it and that 's his response.

If it was the other way round and it was you who didn't come (as it so often seems to be a female condition) I suspect you would expect him to accept your statement and not want him to get upset about it.

I think that you feel insulted because you feel you should be capable of bringing him to orgasm and therefore something is lacking in you.

You need to have a proper talk with him so you can come to terms with the way this makes you feel about yourself and how to take your relationship forward

xx

16

Is he on any medication (e.g. antidepressants?) - I was once and I could last for hours... but then found it pretty much impossible to cum.

Good luck!

17

I would have thought death grip syndrome too, until you mentioned his reaction when you got him close that one time.

I have a feeling...a gut instinct, telling me that maybe there is some psychological issue he has about orgasm. Maybe he thinks it is dirty, or thinks it is rude to cum on/in you. Like its shameful? Maybe he is extremely embarrassed of his cum-face, or what his cum tastes or smells like.

I mean....if you got him close and he stopped you, this suggests he CAN cum...or can at least get close enough to panick that he was about too....but then he stopped you.

A man with death grip syndrome would probably not stop you. If anything, this man would probably be so happy that you made him cum! The fact he pulled away honestly suggests he has some fear or embarrassment about cumming in front of you.

For this reason, he has probably trained himself to hold back and never cum with you. I mean, aside from the time YOU had control and he almost lost his.

Yeah it does sound like there is something he is worrying/concerned about and I suggest talking openly and honestly but going very gentle. If he is embarrassed or ashamed, he will be defensive if you try to probe. I suggest not talking in the bedroom, but outside of the bedroom and maybe just asking questions gently, probing to see if he offers up what is on his mind. If he has some deep seated fear or phobia, it could be much harder.

Say to him..."The truth is, it feels amazing when you give me pleasure and orgasms and I know you say you are different from other men and don't need them, but I have to say, this is hurting me and making me feel a little insecure, because I want to give you this pleasure and the fact I can't makes me feel useless/not good enough. I would just like to understand why you don't orgasm with me. If you are worried about something maybe?"

If he says "I just don't" or closes up and gets defensive, you need to reassure him it is not an attack, but that you are feeling hurt and it would help ease your hurt and worry if he could have the strength to help you understand what he feels.

I mean...There are people (men included) who have never had an orgasm and still are happy and content to enjoy sex in all its forms, but what pricked up my ears was the mention that he almost did cum, then stopped you and jumped up. This tells me he can potentially cum, but doesnt want to (It was a deliberate attempt to avoid orgasm)...I also notice you said it was during a blowjob, when you had control. I have a feeling I don't have to ask this, but does he often take control? Like, control the thrusting, prefer positions where he can control it? If you ask to give him a blowjob, or go on top, does he try to persuade you into some other way?

I dunno....just a gut instinct that something is bothering him about his own orgasms. I guess this is what you need to figure out.

Good luck x

18

I don't think that you should assume that it's something wrong with you, at the end of the day all guys are different and he may be very turned on by you but still not able to orgasm.

I, for example, simply CANNOT come unless I'm setting the 'pace'. Whether it's sex or hand-relief, I need to be the one who is controlling things otherwise it won't happen. Tbh is actually pretty useful at times as I can let her 'do her own thing' without worrying about finishing too soon. But the point is that people really are different! As the posters above say, see if you can work out under what conditions he can come and work up from there.

19

Fluffbags wrote:

I would have thought death grip syndrome too, until you mentioned his reaction when you got him close that one time.

I have a feeling...a gut instinct, telling me that maybe there is some psychological issue he has about orgasm. Maybe he thinks it is dirty, or thinks it is rude to cum on/in you. Like its shameful? Maybe he is extremely embarrassed of his cum-face, or what his cum tastes or smells like.

I mean....if you got him close and he stopped you, this suggests he CAN cum...or can at least get close enough to panick that he was about too....but then he stopped you.

A man with death grip syndrome would probably not stop you. If anything, this man would probably be so happy that you made him cum! The fact he pulled away honestly suggests he has some fear or embarrassment about cumming in front of you.

For this reason, he has probably trained himself to hold back and never cum with you. I mean, aside from the time YOU had control and he almost lost his.

Yeah it does sound like there is something he is worrying/concerned about and I suggest talking openly and honestly but going very gentle. If he is embarrassed or ashamed, he will be defensive if you try to probe. I suggest not talking in the bedroom, but outside of the bedroom and maybe just asking questions gently, probing to see if he offers up what is on his mind. If he has some deep seated fear or phobia, it could be much harder.

Say to him..."The truth is, it feels amazing when you give me pleasure and orgasms and I know you say you are different from other men and don't need them, but I have to say, this is hurting me and making me feel a little insecure, because I want to give you this pleasure and the fact I can't makes me feel useless/not good enough. I would just like to understand why you don't orgasm with me. If you are worried about something maybe?"

If he says "I just don't" or closes up and gets defensive, you need to reassure him it is not an attack, but that you are feeling hurt and it would help ease your hurt and worry if he could have the strength to help you understand what he feels.

I mean...There are people (men included) who have never had an orgasm and still are happy and content to enjoy sex in all its forms, but what pricked up my ears was the mention that he almost did cum, then stopped you and jumped up. This tells me he can potentially cum, but doesnt want to (It was a deliberate attempt to avoid orgasm)...I also notice you said it was during a blowjob, when you had control. I have a feeling I don't have to ask this, but does he often take control? Like, control the thrusting, prefer positions where he can control it? If you ask to give him a blowjob, or go on top, does he try to persuade you into some other way?

I dunno....just a gut instinct that something is bothering him about his own orgasms. I guess this is what you need to figure out.

Good luck x

Thankyou so much, I think you have nailed it. He always takes control, same position, same routine every time....if I try to deviate from it he seems scared, frightened. There was defineately panic in his voice when he stopped me! I thought I'd hurt him but Im experienced enough to know when a guy is about to come from a BJ.

He was married for 15 years, divoced in the last 2 years, maybe it's something to do with that.

I hope we can sort it out, he is so lovely and we get on in every other way, but I'm a very sexual person, and feel we need to have a bit of 'fun' in the bedroom, not be so predictable and scared. He has seen my cum face many a time! I'd love for him to be able to let go the way I can with him....

Thanks guys.....a gentle chat tomorrow night is on the cards.....wish me luck x

20

Good luck, I'm sure a gentle chat will help :) x