Firstly - I'm really sorry to hear you're having trouble, but it's great so many have been able to help you out already and you always give good advice to us! I hope as things are beginning to dawn for you you can both work forwards.
My sex drive is a lot higher than my OH, if I had my way I'd have sex every morning and night, but as well as being LD getting in the way, when he's here he complains he's not used to it or is tired or something, whereas the more we argue/struggle the more I want to have sex because it makes me feel the closeness like you said, that bridges any hurt left over. When he does want sex, he's all for a blowjob, then might give me a bit of oral or finger, but likes to jump in and get on...we're normally done within half hr and I'd just like to take our time...explore more than just penis/lady garden and boobs. Have spoken to him but his reply is always that he's waited so long to have me since last seeing me, he just wants to have me fast...hm.
I doubt that makes sense as I've very over tired and my mind is running in circles!
Also, I agree with the vicious cycle over orgasm. The only time I've orgasmed was when I'd managed to convince him to spend an evening texting and being totally in control of what I could coulnd't do to myself, and 3 hours of delicious teasing later I found it. But normally the pressure is there that that is what he is pushing for and why aren't I orgasming for him etc...
Morning! Okay I've got more time to reply now. (I've just read back through my reply - sorry it's so long and I'm not sure it's all that helpful compared to everyone else's replies but I'll press 'post' anyway and let you judge.)
In our relationship our sex drives are rarely equal. Sometimes mine is so low it's non-existant and I'd probably bite his penis off if he came anywhere near me. Other times, when real-life-stressors aren't affecting me, I'm like a teenager again. At the moment mine is the higher one and he hasn't initiated anything for a long time. I've done the whole 'not inititating it and waiting for him to show some interest' thing but then I came to the realisation that I was punishing myself (and possibly him) because by doing this I was just not getting it when I needed/wanted it. (And solo play is rarely a good substitution). So whilst it's nice to not take inititative all the time, I decided if I want sex I must 'ask' for it but I accept that he is allowed to not want it.
When we moved in together it took us ages (at least a year I'd say) to deal with it. Initially it was great - at it all the time, but it soon became very stale, and then we were more like housemates rather than lovers. We both found it difficult to make the transition from a moderate-distance-relationship (we saw each other every weekend) to sharing a house together. Both struggling to adapt to our new routines and roles. Our situation was similar to yours - I'd lived on my own for a while, he came straight from his parents. But we had the benefit of no children to worry about. Also having it on tap definitely affected (affects) us too. I love the build up, the anticipation, which all of a sudden was removed. There was no - spending hours preening myself ready for him to visit which was always a big part of my foreplay. And I agree - sex for me hasn't ever been a chore, a lay-back-and-think-of-Britian act. But other grown up chores get in the way. When I am suffering from a low sex drive, I don't have enough time and brain space for sex. I prefer long lengthy sessions, which once I've done everything else that has to be done there just isn't enough time in the day for it. I'm not excusing why my sex drive can be low. Cause they are shit excuses. Just explaining.
From reading your posts I agree it sounds like a vicious circle. You've moved in together so you have less 'special' dedicated time to each other. (Pre-moving in together you had 'visits' where you would spend the time focused on each other not on grown up stuff). You have 'issues' around the length of time it takes you to orgasm from play. (Haven't seen anything about orgasming through sex). These combined to affect your head space. He finds it difficult to 'make' you cum. Which knocks his confidence. He begins to believe he's incapable, not as good as the last, etc. So he becomes more intent, which then affects you. And round and round you go. I would sit down together (or write a letter) and just remove the orgasm from the equation. if things have got to the point where you're (he's) yelling about sex, maybe some time out is needed and as Naughty Nurse suggested writing each other a letter - get him to write one too. See if he will open up to you about what's going on from where he's standing. I'm a big fan of writing letters, letting them read it (so they can't interrupt), giving them time to contemplate it, and then discussing it. :) I assume you've told him that 'making' you cum doesn't have to be his end goal? That you enjoy (assuming you do - don't fake it) just being intimate together. To help take the 'pressure' off him and you (I think you're underestimating the pressure you're putting on yourself to orgasm as a result of the situation - you aren't a performing monkey).
I really hope you manage to overcome this together.
(Ha and what is it with fidgety crampy men when they're giving! Don't they know that we sense that and instantly think that they're hating it and that in turn totally defeats the very act they are doing?! I can take a while to orgasm - but the way I've see it - I've told him I'd prefer fingers inside and outside - it's his own fault if he doesn't listen!)
Seems a lot of people are suffering from this problem. I can't say that the situation is not at home with my OH as well but I can't say I am suffering from it since solo time can help it in between. I could have sex 3-4 times/day if needed but obviously not every day as there are other things there. We have a kid and it complicates things. However, for the one "suffering" it might help to see it as a challenge and a hunt rather than a "oh why don't you have sex with me already".
I try to think that "what can I do to make her want to have sex" since it is a must. If I even sence she is not really into it I can't do it since my goal is to give her as much pleasure as I can, I want to control her pleasure and give her more than she can stand. Now I have some long term plans involving buying sexy but comfortable underwear for her to wear at normal days just for the subtle "i feel sexy" part. As it is important both for males and females to love themselves in order to accept being loved.
The biggest problem for me is the time, there are very limited opertuneties where sex is even possible and this adds to it becoming kind of a stress factor since it is "now or never" kind of thing. This being when our child has been put to bed (she sleeps max 1-2 hours before first wakeup) and second time is mid day when she sleeps. This is a problem since the spontanious sex is hard to achieve and when you live together that is the best part. When you least knew about it you suddenly get horny and BAM it happens.
I don't know about you but I guess a day when one works is kind of wake up -> get ready for work -> go to work -> home for dinner -> relax to remove after work tiredness -> supposedly force oneself to sex before it's bed time. Could be that if the day is similar to this with set things like 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 things to do and you got a possible spot for sex at 7 or 8 everyday this will soon not feel very spontanious.
Removing the routine can get the fun back. If routine is the problem, constant talk about "the problem" will further enhance the feeling of it being a chore. It seems like 2 weeks is a long time to not have sex for some here whom feel their OH has a too low sex drive? Well when the situation has happened you might need to withstand half a year of routine changing to get it back. I'm not saying no sex for half a year but it could be longer periods of time where there might only be touch, closeness, massage required. Try to enjoy those things just to remove the pressure from the OH.
For me it has worked bit by bit so I think the slowness and added romance will prevail in the long run. Orgasm is the end station but there are a lot of pit stops on the way before you can reach this spot. Males are visual by nature so give your male partners some visual goodies without adding the assumption that there might be more rerquired from it. Putting on a see through, crotchless teddy is not the visual goodies I mene here, rather some sexy underwear and clothing worn around the house and such. The key is in the subtle things, think about yourself being young, text messages, notes, caressing, constanly sitting close etc etc it smells love a long way. That is the spark, the fire comes if theres enough dry wood for the spark to ignite the fire.
You have all been massively helpful. I spoke to him last night and found out this:
He has felt extra stress and tiredness since moving in. Firstly due to it being more work here (At his parents, he had nothing much to do.) and secondly because of worrying more about the new responsibilities. He said he also gets stressed because it is a totally new thing for him to not have all the time in the world to sit down and do something that he wants to do, because here, something always comes up or needs done and he feels like he hasnt acheived anything by the end of the day (I told him he achieved at being a parent and carer and many things.) but he said that this extra tiredness and stress left him feeling exhausted at night.
I personally think he just needs to "get used" to being here (I guess) because he doesnt have a job (Our choice at the moment, due to my health) and there is also someone else here who helps us around the house and with the children, so in reality, he actually only has the parenting thing to do, which he has help with from me and the other person so, it isnt a huge pile of crap on his plate, but it is completely new to him. I have tried to tell him that feeling stressed as a parent is normal at times. lol He is so alien to it sometimes that he gets really wound up over why the children do some of the things they do, like constantly asking him "Whyyy??" lol I guess if he cannot learn to chill out about these things and just let it rush over his head, then yeh he is going to remain very stressed. The irony is, he is brilliant with the kids. They love him too.
He also said he had been finding it hard to keep up with me because he does have a slightly lower drive anyway and sometimes he just wants to sleep. He never gave any indication of that at the time, so I felt a little more like a sex pest after hearing that! He also said it was a confidence thing because he felt like he couldn't give me the things I gave him. He said that I do all of this stuff to him and then when it is his turn to return the sensations, it fizzles out and he feels like a failure over that, and feels really guilty that he "took" all that pleasure but gave nothing back. That is also why he has stopped making any moves on me with regards to anything other than vanilla sex too, because he thinks everything he does, he is "doing it wrong" because I don't orgasm. He also said the main reason he lost interest is because he can see it frustrates and upsets me when I fail to orgasm (I do get a little meh about it, I WANT to be able to give him that and feel like I let him down) and he said he does not want to be the reason I am upset every night so he has started to avoid initiating stuff with me as he doesnt want me to be upset at the end of it all.
Pretty much all of the stuff we have discussed in this thread then!
We have decided to strip everything back to basics for now, aside from one aspect he wants to continue. (Our version of chastity) but aside from that we have not made any plans or come up with anything else. It got too late to continue the chat so I guess later tonight we will talk about what the other wants and needs, and ways which we can try and get my orgasm back. (Maybe by not even trying to get to orgasm at all. But like someone else sais, that is his ultimate goal and I don't think he will ever feel confident if that isnt happening)
You guys have all been amazing xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I'm really happy to read this update fluffbags :) Hopefully it's the start of an improvement for you. One thing struck a chord with me though, and I don't know if it's something you can do much about having children and everything. But you said he said sometimes he just wants to sleep. I know how that feels and what that can result in. When I have a lower sex drive, when work shit is mounting up, all I want to do is get a good night sleep so I feel more energised the next day at work. The last thing I want is someone coming on to me, trying to 'persuade' me to have sex, no matter how lovely they try. So instead I avoid all contact just incase this leads him on to thinking I want more. I have overcome this, to a degree, by saying to my OH the best time to catch me is just before I start cooking tea (actually it's as soon as he gets home from work, but I appreciate he needs some downtime first). Bedtime is for sleeping, not for sex in my head :)
After our chats etc and getting it all out in the air, I think it massively helped. I had an orgasm from him for the first time in...erm, I can't remember! (Yay! We both had massive grins for about an hour after lol) I am not silly enough to think everything is magically fixed but I think things will get back on track more now after we talked and agreed on things. He agreed not to focus on my orgasm and just do things to me because it feels nice for me. I think that was what worked, for a start. Still a bit of a way to go but I am much happier about it all now! Thank you to all of you for your help, so appreciated xx
My situation is quite similar. Ive been with my wife for 13 years and married for 3, she used to have the higher sex drive when we were younger and i was not very confident. Althogh i lacked in confidence we used to have sex everywhere. Over time my confidence grew and so did my sex drive to a point now where i want it all the time and she does not seem bothered and it feels she always has an excuse not to have it.
We went 4 weeks last time with no sex, which to me is far far too long. I like yourself have got to the point where i cannot be bothered trying to initiate and just sort myself out.
I have also tried everything to no avail, new underwear, taking pics, making movies ETC.
As someone previously mentioned maybe print out your first post and show him, keep us updated.
Great to hear you are on the road to sorting it out. My only bit of advice is to keep on chatting about it, even when you really dont want to cos its amazing how easy it is to slip into the rut of not communicating.
I've got a much higher sex drive than my wife , which doesn't really bother me that much , personally when we do have sex it just makes me make more of an effort to make sure she really enjoys it , my thinking being if she has enjoyed it she will be more inclined to reciprocate next time I try to initiate xx seems to work for me , probably used to have sex once a week , this was before I started a little sex toy collection , probably 2-3 times a week at the moment :)
This is gonna sound a bit strange given the website, but maybe you should cut out sex altogether for a while? It could be that you're trying so hard to fix the problems in the bedroom that the relationship is suffering as a result. I gather that he might be feeling a bit pressured, but maybe he's also feeling your resentment and frustration and it's putting a strain on how he sees his day to day life. If you focus on the friendship and romantic side of the relationship, the sex issue could work itself out, you'd both be more relaxed with no pressure on either of you...almost like falling in love all over again. It might give his sex drive the jump start it needs.
Do you actually make love really connect emotionally, I love to get down and dirty with my GF but to really keep that bond it is important to make love from time to time.
Has he any reason to feel a lack of confidence? Put on weight , made redundant , given up exercising. If he has any of the previous 3 gently suggest he tries exercise. You could suggest that he exercises a bit more (it really increases libido) and that you read it in a magazine at the hairdressers/work/a friends house . A fit man is a confident man!!
I must admit, if he's late twenties, never had a job and only just moved out of his parents house, well, my first thought is he needs a clip round the ear and to find a job.