any advice?

Sex Tips & Talk
1

My fiance and I have been together for 6 years and have two kids (youngest is 6months).

I was the first girl to make him cum using my hand and mouth (what can I say) and he insists that 3stone + 2 kids later im still stunning/amazing/awesome. And yes I can still make him cum in seconds if I want.

But im finding it harder to get him into bed. He makes no moves at night and I feel like im almost pushing him into it. This happens all the time. We have a fortnight or two of amazing sex almost every night and then he loses interest. Its fucking horrible. He uses various excuses tired/kids downstairs/have to be up for work none of which matter when he wants to watch a film or he is finally in the mood. He still insists im the love of his life and am better than ever. I DONT FREAKING UNDERSTAND.

Tonight I told him id bought some toys for our anniversary and that the thought of it was turning me on and whilst he was getting ready for a bath I snuck up to surprise him and I may as well have hit him in the face with a dead chicken for all the enthusiam I was faced with. Talk about turn OFF.


Any advice for someone frustrated and fucked off?

2

Hi :) Why not just talk to him see why his not in the mood? X

3

Because all I get is (word for word) "I am...but... (insert excuse)"

We have a really open dialogue so I don't understand why hes up for it for a week or two and then nothing.

Thought maybe a guy could enlighten me. It sucks.

4

Sorry, hi :)

5

Hmmm does he have any health problems that would make him tired easy or not in the mood? X

6

Nope. Hes kicked up his workouts so hes actually been in the best shape he's ever been in.

7

Being the one with the higher sex drive in my relationship, I can sympathise and everything you said sounded like "Yupppp, that's us too" We have it slightly different on some aspects, for example, my guy makes a move on me probably once every few months (If I don't make a move, it can go that long with nothing in between) yet when I do make the moves, 99% of the time he will give it a go. (Often lacking some enthusiam) So I stopped pushing for sex. I wrote a big thread about it on here a while ago when I was feeling similar to you are now. It still upsets or annoys me from time to time too. Especially when people advise you to stop making the move and watch him come to you....Ha! lol Sighhhh

But it got to a point now where I have to accept we have mismatched sex drives. Simply put, I would be up for it once a day, only taking breaks if I was dying lol He is more of a once a week person I think, it is hard to tell because, like I say, he will go months without anything if I dont make the move and after a week, I cave in. It is kind of soul destroying, when you think "Jesus, does he even FANCY me" and resentments and bitterness kicks in, but I don't think anything can change. I have tried out all the adivse I knew, and all the adivse others gave me, from stopping trying, to talking to him about it, to compromising (Lets have sex less, but you make the move sometimes) and while it may spark an occasional change, a one off example, it always goes back to the usual.

I have kind of come to the conclusion that I either learn to live with it, with the mismatch, and sort myself out (Although, for me, it isnt about the hornyness or orgasms, it is the intimacy I want, so sorting myself out is rare anyway) or we could split up. There is a lot of good stuff in our relationship that over rides the generally "meh" about our mismatched drives, so I would say I am happy being with him, but if it fizzles and fizzles even more, I dunno how I will feel because sex is a HUGE deal for me. I know it won't be a deal breaker, but it could build up enough resentment eventually to turn other aspects of the relationship sour. Being a realist. lol

This is actually a really common problem for couples.

Anyway, feel free to have a read through the post I made on this subject:

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/726027-another-mismatched-sex-drives-issue/

Lots of people gave some great advice there.

8

Hey Sunday, Maybe thats one of the reasons? My hubby occasionally gets like that depending on how stressful or busy work is for him.

Unless a guy answers this will just remain a mystery as even if works busy he still manages to jump me one week and not the next. It is frustrating, so i feel your pain! x

9

Fluffbags wrote:

Being the one with the higher sex drive in my relationship, I can sympathise and everything you said sounded like "Yupppp, that's us too" We have it slightly different on some aspects, for example, my guy makes a move on me probably once every few months (If I don't make a move, it can go that long with nothing in between) yet when I do make the moves, 99% of the time he will give it a go. (Often lacking some enthusiam) So I stopped pushing for sex. I wrote a big thread about it on here a while ago when I was feeling similar to you are now. It still upsets or annoys me from time to time too. Especially when people advise you to stop making the move and watch him come to you....Ha! lol Sighhhh

But it got to a point now where I have to accept we have mismatched sex drives. Simply put, I would be up for it once a day, only taking breaks if I was dying lol He is more of a once a week person I think, it is hard to tell because, like I say, he will go months without anything if I dont make the move and after a week, I cave in. It is kind of soul destroying, when you think "Jesus, does he even FANCY me" and resentments and bitterness kicks in, but I don't think anything can change. I have tried out all the adivse I knew, and all the adivse others gave me, from stopping trying, to talking to him about it, to compromising (Lets have sex less, but you make the move sometimes) and while it may spark an occasional change, a one off example, it always goes back to the usual.

I have kind of come to the conclusion that I either learn to live with it, with the mismatch, and sort myself out (Although, for me, it isnt about the hornyness or orgasms, it is the intimacy I want, so sorting myself out is rare anyway) or we could split up. There is a lot of good stuff in our relationship that over rides the generally "meh" about our mismatched drives, so I would say I am happy being with him, but if it fizzles and fizzles even more, I dunno how I will feel because sex is a HUGE deal for me. I know it won't be a deal breaker, but it could build up enough resentment eventually to turn other aspects of the relationship sour. Being a realist. lol

Anyway, feel free to have a read through the post I made on this subject:

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/726027-another-mismatched-sex-drives-issue/

Lots of people gave some great advice there.

I had no idea about how many people suffered with the female half having a higher sex drive. It drives me insane! Im gonna have a read, thanks Fluffbags x

10

Is he stressed at work? Do you have money worries? Is he on any medications that may reduce his libdo as a side effect? Is he depressed?
Two kids can be very stressful and time consuming. I have two and some days the last thing I want is my other half to even touch me because I just want half an hour of peace and me time. Having kids screaming .... I want, or mummy look all day wears me down.
Sometimes life can stress people out and tire them. It's probably just that which has got him in this rut. But the only want to find out is to talk to him

11

From the perspective of a female that often does the same to my partner.. 'I do want to have sex but..'

I find this happens at times when my sex drive is low and I'm bored at the thought of doing the same thing again. My advice would be to spice things up between you. Give him something to get excited about! But make sure it's something that is exciting for him and not just something that tickles your fancy. If he didn't give much of a reaction to sex toys then it obviously isn't that. Also don't pester him as it turns it into a chore rather then a treat.

Good luck hun xx

12

I went through a phase exactly like you describe, and in the one with the high sex drive!

at the time I was depressed, worried about money and highly stressed. help him to uncover what's making him unhappy

13

if you watch the last 15-20 minutes of sex box on 4OD that will give you possible causes as to why your partner doesn't always have an interest in sex kids can certainly be an issue and how long you've been in a relationship the longer you've been together your interest in sex dies down it doesn't mean your partner thinks less of you
also try talking you'll learn so much about each other your partner might be worried about something or just bored of your current sex routine and talking rather than bottling it up can make a big difference

14

myghost wrote:

if you watch the last 15-20 minutes of sex box on 4OD that will give you possible causes as to why your partner doesn't always have an interest in sex kids can certainly be an issue and how long you've been in a relationship the longer you've been together your interest in sex dies down it doesn't mean your partner thinks less of you
also try talking you'll learn so much about each other your partner might be worried about something or just bored of your current sex routine and talking rather than bottling it up can make a big difference

I really liked the tip Tracey Cox gave in this bit about changing 1 thing every time you have sex.. Whether it be the room, position or something else x

15

Thank you so much everyone.

Last night I suggested an early night and he decided to put on a film (grrr..because staring at a half naked colin farrell is really going to calm me down :/). My daughter is 5mo and isnt really sleeping atm so that gave a reason for us not to go to bed too early anyway but once she was settled...

I did sit there with a face like a smacked arse I'll admit and in the end we had a row. I stormed off (being the mature adult I am) and put myself into bed. He came up and tried really hard to cuddle me/talk it out ignoring my stubborness (mules have nothing on me) and we did make up. He attributed the lack of trying it on to the fact that hes scared to push me (I was S abused as a little girl) and I completely understand that. It doesn't answer the rest but he just said hes always in the mood when I do instigate (apart from when he wanted a bath).

I was showing him what id bought on LH and he ended up with a raging boner and we did have pretty mind blowing sex (it usually is).

I told him we both need to try harder to make time for eachother, aside from the sex we have an awesome relationship.

Fingers crossed eh?.

16

From a male perspective:

Try to get him to think about sex. You've already showed him your LoveHoney purchases and that worked so try other things:

Get him to read some erotic fiction. 50 Shades would be a good start as you can just be reading it to see what all the fuss is about.

Watch TV programmes with sex scenes in. I don't mean porn, but lots of shows have some sex.

Ask him to help you go through a catalog/website to pick new underwear.

Ask for/offer a massage. They often lead to more things.

If he wants a bath why not bathe him, or ask to join him in the shower.

Get undressed after he does so that he sees you undress rather than coming in to the bedroom to find you already tucked up in bed.

Good luck!

17

Its funny you mentioned fifty shades, I did exactly that when it first came out and all I ended up doing is giving him a lecture on how awful the writing was :)

Hes really bashful. Im relatively open about most things but talk about sex and he gets himself into such a state. Its like im his mother!
Which is ironic as he was a bit of a stud at uni and has had a LOT of sexual partners. Im his first proper girlfriend though and although hes had a lot of one nighters ive been in two other proper relationships so I'm more experienced

Thanks for the tips.

18

I kind of had a similar situation to you.

I'm the one with a high sex drive in our relationship, and my husband has always been a bit on the quieter side, but we click perfectly on every other level, so I could forgive it, for a time.

He was always a bit of a prude when it come to talking about sex, but an absolute animal when we actually got down to it. So it always really confused me.

We've been together almost 10 years now (married Sept 2012) and I decided that now we're married, we have to make a change. So I sat him down and had a good, long, frank discussion. I'd been buying stuff from LH to try and spice things up and it would work for about a week then we'd be back to normal.

I basically told him that I was bored of being the one to always instigate things, and I honestly told him, that his quiet, prudish attitude towards talking about sex was frustrating and unncessary. I was totally expecting a big row but to my astonishment, he agreed with me. He said he didn't understand himself why he was so prudish when it came to sex - but he was determined to make a change, because he understands that whilst I love him, a good, fulfilling sex life was important to me. Of course, I wasn't going to force him to do anything he wouldn't want to, but I was so impressed that he opened up to me like that, and it never would have happened if I hadn't just sat him down and spoke to him.

Now our sex life is better than ever, and I could not be any happier!

19

blonde vixen13 wrote:

Is he stressed at work? Do you have money worries? Is he on any medications that may reduce his libdo as a side effect? Is he depressed?
Two kids can be very stressful and time consuming. I have two and some days the last thing I want is my other half to even touch me because I just want half an hour of peace and me time. Having kids screaming .... I want, or mummy look all day wears me down.
Sometimes life can stress people out and tire them. It's probably just that which has got him in this rut. But the only want to find out is to talk to him

I completely agreee, depression, stress, worry of a general lull in health and his own self esteem could all be factors.

Talking about other areas of his life and not just about sex might present the key to the problems. I think buying sexy clothes, toys or doing special date nights will make things work and add to the pressure.

For now you need to encourage him to open up about other things going on in life and how they make him feel.