The problem is that my fiance doesn't climax during sex. He has no problem when using his hands though and never used to have a problem earlier in our relationship. He is on a load of anti-depressants which might have something to do with it but then, we are both young and it seems a little odd.
It's gotten to the point where, as much as he might tell me it's not me, I really think it's either something I'm doing or maybe that he's just not turned on by me anymore but doesn't want to say it which, in turn, has caused a whole heap of body issues for me.
Is there anything anyone can think of that might help him climax? Should I straight up ask him if he still wants me? It's a problem that's been going on for ages now and we've gone from being really active to only being maybe once a week (and having a high sex drive, this isn't particularly fun but I have started to dread sex slightly).
I'd say it's down to the anti-depressants, a close male friend was on anti-depressants when he was 19-21 and it played havoc with his sex life :( he was often unable to get an erection at all. Maybe head to the doctors together and see if they have any recommendations? Maybe a change of meds.
There's all sorts of male sex aids, but the problem could also be abit of a mental block too, especially as he has been unable to climax so will now be worrying about it each time.
I really don't think the issue with be due to you in any way, though I understand why you might feel a little hurt. If he didn't still want you, he wouldn't be with you. The sex could be decreasing due to his depression, the effects of the anti-ds he's on, or because he has been unable to climax so has started to dread it too. I'd talk to him openly, but not along the lines of 'do you still want me?' because i'm sure he feels bad enough about not being able to cum without having to defend his feelings because of it.
Yeah, looking back on the post I could have worded things a lot better.
Like: I don't actually dread sex, I just worry that he might get down or feel bad (which I definitely don't want to happen). Also I know, on some level, that it's not me so, yeah, asking 'is it my fault' wouldn't be a great idea - thanks for making me realise that and not make a huge idiot of myself :P
Its just it's gotten him down so badly before and I hate seeing him upset but then because I'm all distressed due to worrying about him, I don't know what to do.
Yeh, nothing worse than feeling helpless and then down yourself because of it :(
I'd say having a big heart to heart about it, and then heading to the GPs together and seeing if they have any advice. You say you're both young, so it's going to be a huge pressure on both of you that things just aren't 'happening'. You say your sexdrive is high, so he might just need the reassurance that even if he can't get to climax, the sex itself and other acts can be just as enjoyable. I'd try to retain as much intimacy as you can, not necessarily sex, and also encourage him to try to climax solo, as there's less pressure as there's no fear of disappointing anyone else.
Hopefully the docs may be able to offer an alternative med, or talking about stuff could release the pressure and that'll be it all sorted :)
I dated a guy who couldn't climax through sex, ever, that was a hugely frustrating knock to the confidence, so I completely get where you were coming from with the worries about yourself. I think the insecurities started as more of a 'if it's me, i can change, i can do different, i can fix it', but it doesn't work like that.
Hi Lauryn - cross-posted with you and Hoebag whilst I was writing this but I think it still applies so my original reply is below!
I went through something quite similar with my ex although without the anti-depressants thrown in. In hindsight, it had a lot to do with why I ended the relationship (although there were also several other problems) but took me a long time to reach that point because my ex was completely incapable of having any kind of emotion-based conversation.
I've always had a high sex drive too but the last 2-3 years of our relationship this had diminished almost to non-existence. Sex became a rarity and something that I avoided - and if we did end up having sex, more often than not we gave up before he came (but he also didn't seem to struggle when flying solo). You say once a week is a major reduction - I think I had sex about 3 or 4 times in the last 2 1/2 years with my ex!
It became a vicious cycle and I couldn't understand why I was feeling less and less interested in sex with him (and actively avoiding it) but if I tried to talk about it he would just say it didn't matter. I felt very much alone in the situation and he didn't ever mention the lack of sex nor seem to want to do anything about it. By the end I was so unhappy and I kept thinking it was me, didn't feel sexy or wanted physically.
It was only when I ended the relationship and my sex drive came back quickly (and probably even more extreme than before!) that I realised that it wasn't me but the situation and his inability to discuss it.
I started a similar thread a few weeks back as it is me who is having the trouble finishing rather than my OH. She thinks the same way as you appear to, that I don't fancy her or find her attractive anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth!
The advice I was given was to put less emphasis on the penetration bit of sex, and just enjoy everything else around it too as a way of finishing successfully or just to have fun, you both don't need to cum to have fun (as my OH knows for sure! :)). Whether he uses his hands and finishes on you, or you use your hands/boobs/whatever to get him to where you want to. (That's sounds awful the way I wrote it!)
It gets me down because I feel I'm letting my OH down, and that helps neither of us. As Fafflet says, it's a vicious cycle!
Ask him what would make him cum, or what he enjoys doing, but talking and just enjoying the time you spend when making love, as hard as it may be at the moment, if probably the best thing to do.
I still have trouble finishing at times, but as long as my OH orgasms, at least I've done my job and if I need release, can get it later on.
I would agree with what everyone else has written tbh. It does sound like the meds are affecting him. If I was him.... I would probably be feeling embarrased that I can't cum for you. So my best advice would be to talk to him about it. Let him know that he's not a disappointment.... and that you understand and are not put off by it. Talk about what gets you to cum.... and it will help him open up to talk about what makes him cum. I think communication is vital and as long as your both open and honest.... I have no doubt that you'll get through this. I really don't think its anything to do with you at all... so don't let your confidence go down. Stay strong.... and just think.... it's probably as frustrating and embarrasing for him as it is for you.
Plus.... (lol) if you have a high sex drive.... then keep doing things together. Don't limit it.... enjoy yourselves as much as you both want. Just make sure that both of you know it's ok not to cum. As long as your still spending time together and enjoying each other... that's the most important.
if the anti depressants are fluoxatine / prozac get him to ask gp to chnage to something else if at all possible.
i could go for hours on the above and it was exceptionally frustrating not to be able to climax :
^--- Agreed! I was on Prozac for several months earlier this year, and this was by far the most frustrating side-effect -- I had never had any problems before, and suddenly I found that I either couldn't get properly hard or couldn't climax. Unfortunately, Prozac stays in one's system for quite a long time, so even after I stopped taking it, I had to wait several weeks for normal service to be resumed.
I'd imagine that a change of medication is worth considering. I gather that the side-effects of each type of medication vary significantly by individual and it isn't possible to predict in advance how one is likely to be affected. There may be another drug out there that is still effective as an anti-depressant but doesn't have this deflating side-effect.
It is fluox. It's not so much annoying as just worrying - he gets so wound up about it and then there's nothing I can do to reassure him, he's so stubborn :p
I've tried asking him to go to the doctors but he's too embarrassed even though i've pointed out that it seems to be a common problem and it would do wonders for his stress levels. But, at the moment, it looks like we'll just have to wait it out..
If anyone's got any tips on ways I can reassure him (pretty sure I've tried everything already but there's always a first time for everything :p) or on how I can make it better, I'll be indebted to you so much!
apologies if this appears in bold....can't seem to turn it off on a tablet.
tell him to forget about the embarassment factor and think of a health factor.....show him the fluox safety leaflet and on it you should find
"some patients hvae had painful and prolonged erections"
i guess to a degree explaining that to a dr could be embarassing however the safety leaflet will also say in bold
"if you have any of the above side effects you should tell your dr immediately"
try and explain to him again, this is a very common problem and medically it needs addressing. i found it difficult that i couldn't climax, but when the safety info was put in my hands i saw it wasn't me but the drug.....still found it difficult to speak to the dr but made easier by the fact it wasn't me but fluox.
I had it the other way round with my ex. I was on Fluoxitine and completely lost my sex drive. It got to the point where I was actively avoiding sex, making stupid cliche excuses to get out of it. This (teamed with many other issues we had may I add!) eventually led to us ending. I am no longer on the meds, have met a great guy and my sex drive is like never before!
I found the worst part for me was when my ex used to nag at me and beg me for sex. There were times when I did want it, and I would go to him and it was amazing, but if I felt pressured into it I would clam up and turn the other way, really not wanting it.This was frustrating for both of us for different reasons, and just ended up being a horrible cycle, each resenting the other more and more.
From the sounds of it your not putting pressure on him, and your communicating well about the situation your in, which is fantastic.
It is obviously not you that is the problem, he is obviously attracted to you or it wouldnt be bothering him so much. He obviously just wants to please you, and probably feels inadequate that he can't climax.
I would say keep supporting him, keep communicating and it will all work out :)
x x x x