Hi Im new to forums and don't know how to start a new thread so putting this here sorry if it hijacks yr thread. I've a serious problem with my sex life that's going to end my marrage if I can't fix it. Ive been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2 weeks. My partner has a very high sex drive and I can't keep up. His idea of a good day is to literally spend 4-5hrs having sex, have a break then get back to it. We have a room dedicated to sex full of toys swing etc and I do enjoy the time we have in there but after 5hrs I'm tired and can't keep up with him. I know I'm lucky to have someone who is so sexual in my life and shouldn't be complaining but in his mind my lack of interest is killing our relationship. He finds my attitude towards sex lazy and the idea of a blow job or a quick fumble isn't enough for him. We talk about my attitude and I've always known he is very sexual and I love being with him. I just struggle to get enthusiastic about spending the day in bed. I've tried councillors but he found that a waste of time and money. I've no friends I can talk to about it so putting it out to strangers for help. How can I up my libido and prove to him I want to be with him?
Is that 5 hours every day rest and then more or just on special occasions or weekends?
How did you feel about counselling? How often would YOU like it?
I am left wondering why you think it's your problem rather than his issue? Why should you want to want sex for 5 hours and then need more after a kip? Is he really into porn and therefore sees this as normal or am I not getting the bigger picture?
I'll recap a couple of things that I have already commented on another thread.
I think your guy comes accross to me as rather selfish. Everything appears to revolve around him , as to what he wants which obviously isn't quite what you want. If I am being honest having too much sex for the sake of it is just as bad as having no sex. Both situations can get out of hand and places pressure on a relationship.
I think he needs to show more interest in you as a person and not as a sex object. Its not going to be easy but really you need to sit down and have a chat on the things you want and to try and find some common ground between yourselves on what both of you want. For example you may want to discuss say your deepest darkest fantasies and to find out if these would satisfy his desire sexually.
As stated before perhaps to include a little romance into the relationship would help . When did he last run you a bath and help you disrobe and "scrubbed" your back for you .And perhaps have some very sexy nightclothes waiting for you after your bath?Little things like that presses the right button with some ladies and helps them to get into the right mood. Seriously I think he needs to learn how to be a gentleman and in turn a lover that can satisfy you.
I also suggested some date nights when you both can get out of the house and have some cuddles and general chit chat and perhaps even talk about fantasies .Perhaps do things and visit the same pubs when you first started courting together , a trip to the cinema perhaps on the back row! . This is all about spending valuable time together and not just with him on top of you!
In a nutshell I think he needs to grow up, stop being selfish , learn what women want in particularly yourself and perhaps have less sex but more in terms of quality, that will satisfy you both and enrich your relationship.
The key thing as with all relationships that are successful is good clear communication .
I would be happy with foreplay and sex an hour or two couple to three times a week. We came back from our honeymoon (we had sex while away but only basic stuff lasting maybe an hour a time) had 2 days off before going back to work so he wanted to spend the Monday in the 'sex room' he's very attentive, loads of foreplay mixing things up and after 4hrs he came so we went to watch TV. That evening he's like so wanna go do that again? At which point I blew him off saying I was physically tired, and that's where the problem lies. Who wouldn't want to spend all evening enjoying their husbands bodies and skill? Why would you put washing clothes etc ahead of play time?? Surely I should be despirate to be with him rather than preferring to do chores... I'm seeing the doctor later as I've been feeling depressed for quite some time. Thanks for the response it's nice to talk to someone.
I think I may be painting him in a bad light. He does all of the above and more, he spends his wholewhole life trying to make me happy and satisfy my needs. I've never been very sexual so he has been trying to help me to feel sexy by wearing nice underwear, etc. He wines and dines me and always has dinner cooked when I get home from work. He is the model guy with the biggest kindest heart. I've been experimenting with fantasy etc but am basically very prude have never really talked to anyone about sex before, 6 months ago we had a proper sit down chat about what we would like to do etc and have started anal play pegging etc I started reading fantasy novels and got on board the fun train, but after a while I get lazy and slip into old habits and that's where the actual problem lies my attitude towards sex is lazy and I don't know how to change that?
You're not a bad person for feeling satisfied sexually! I mean, if you're so worn out because the sex was so satisfying, tell him that! It's all a matter of perspective. If he still needs another orgasm, you don't have to have sex. Help him with a toy or watch him masturbate, do something that you BOTH want to take part in. You don't love him any less for not wanting a sex marathon and I'm sure he'd understand. If he respects your boundaries and appreciates that you know your own desires this shouldn't be a problem. Reframe your response. Rather than saying 'I'm just too tired' say 'You've worn me out' and make it a bit sexy. He should be willing at least to compromise and he shouldn't be making you feel bad when you've already been very accomodating to his sexual needs.
. Your coming accross as blaming yourself for all of this when you shouldn't . Like I said before too much sex isn't always a good thing. Anti-depresents if you get prescribed them may make things worse when it comes to sex . Some can make you feel not wanting sex at all. Jokingly you might need to put some bromide in his tea.! lol
If I was you the fact that you are getting tired tells me you have had enough and need to slow things down a little . Perhaps spend a bit more time going out together and enjoy each others company and perhaps it might just leave time for a short sex session when you return . Thats my prescription .
cam couple 83 wrote:
I started reading fantasy novels and got on board the fun train, but after a while I get lazy and slip into old habits and that's where the actual problem lies my attitude towards sex is lazy and I don't know how to change that?
3 Words Romance Romance Romance
If he romances you , takes you out to dinner, dressed to impress , runs a bath for you and acts like a gentleman then you may feel more in the mood but not necessarily a sexathon . As Bex said just tell him in a nice positive way that he's worn you out . Perhaps you could try things like extra special BJs that might tire him out but not you. You could also make sure he has copious amounts of alcohol when you go out that might also slow him down a little .
You just might have to think sometimes outside of the box a bit .
Alicia4Ever wrote:
Not sure about getting him a bit drunk Mysteron, there in lies another path not to go down here, in my opinion.
I thought you knew me better than that. No I was only jesting in the same way I suggested bromide for his tea .
Alicia4Ever wrote:
No amount of wining and dining, and doing his chores, etc, can make you want sex all the time, or be expected to change how you feel about it. Is this constant need of his for sex, behind your feelings of depression. Is this in fact driving you the other way, you shouldn't be feeling like you are worn out from servicing his needs. This is not some thing thats wrong with you, it's something he is making you feel wrong. He maybe wonderful in so many ways, but it feels to me that he's pushing you into a corner with all he does for you, making you feel there is no way out but to give him what he wants. He probably doesn't even realise thats what he's doing, but thats how it looks from what you say, and thats how it's making you feel.
Tell him what Bex said to say, and keep telling him till he gets the message, men can be a bit slow, and reticent.
He needs to back off and get more from other aspects of aa relationship, as others have said. if you talk to your GP about your depression, tell him about this too, I feel that he will come to the same conclusion.
+1. Great advice :)
Honestly I think you need a rest !
However nice a guy he may be in other aspects he needs to realise that he's being too demanding when it comes to sex . There needs to be give and take . You say you'd be happy with foreplay and sex for a couple of hours two or three times a week ....I don't exactly call that lazy !
You can't force your libido to be higher than it is to suit him I'm afraid ,you just have to come to a compromise.
As bex has said maybe there's stuff you can do that doesn't involve penetration like involvement with toys for him that way he gets to orgasm and you get a break but still both enjoy it .
Thanks guys for the advise, feeling much more positive this morning :)