That and the Mort in heaven one are the only two jokes I can ever remember.
from the Blissful Harmony dating agency...
We regret that your application to join our match making service has been rejected.
You failed Q.23 "What do you most like in a woman"
"My knob" is NOT a suitable answer.
I went to the zoo today, and all the cages were empty aprt from one which had a tiny dog in it.
I asked the zookeeper "What's that?"
"It's a shitzu"
"I know" I said "but what's that?"
...thank you I'm here all week...
As the traffic warden's coffin was being lowered into the ground, a voice came from inside;-
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead!!!"
The Vicar replied "Too late, I've already done the paperwork now!"
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all!
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to shit. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didnât want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first womanâs husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"Thatâs nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, âFrom all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you' "
Now remember. . . .this is a joke! :)
Dear Santa,
Dont fucking bother coming this year.
Ive got loads of stuff already.
Delroy,
aged 9.
Tottenham.
Bring on the Scouser jokes :)
Nice one to the fire station one, SG!!
PMSL
I thank you! :)
Hope all's well Mr C! In work here as ever so randomly posting.
A man brings home a cock sucking frog and gives it to his wife.
She asks "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that"
So he replies "Teach it to cook, then fuck off!"
Yes indeed, got a bit of work to do, den down dat London for the footy tomorrow...
Hey big boy, you got any porn titles for my porn film thread?
Done kidder!
Hope to god we turn them over fella!
SG
AA you're right, they're so bad they're funny! I like the traffic warden joke Mr Clumsy!
Sg69... one of yours reminded me of a non PC joke (but funny), sorry no offence meant.
"Why is a woman like a fridge?"
"They both leak when they're fucked"
Sexyget69 - I love the frog one. That had me properly laughing!
SG your jokes have made me smile :)
xL-Yx
Mr Clumsy , the zoo joke is very good :)
xL-Yx
After a night of really wild hot filthy sex, drugs and alcohol, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That´s when he knew he had made it home safely.
Whenever I see someone open their mouth
I want to put my cock in it, which is probably why I am not a dentist anymore.
A similar thing happened to me Miss B; a Practitioner near me was arrested for having sex with his patients.
Shame really, because he was a brilliant Vet!
Everton? :)
I was outside a French restaurant when a couple came up to me and said, "Avez-vous une table pour deux?"
"Are you calling me a cunt?" I asked.
Shocked, the man replied, "Not at all! I thought you worked here; I was asking for a table."
"So you thought I was French?"
"Well, yes."
"Are you calling me a cunt?" I repeated.
I rimmed a tramp for a drink of his cider.
It was fucking disgusting....
I don't know how they can drink that stuff.
When I was a kid my dad used to force-feed me. One day mum got sick of this and said "For Christs-sake John use a bloody spoon! Your'e not a bloody Jedi