Grateful for advice for someone just out of long-term relationship (10+ years), which was very unhappy for last few years L. After being out of the dating game for so long and only ever being in this single relationship, would like to know thoughts on what’s the etiquette when it comes to sex with a new partner? I gather there is some kind of unwritten rule about no sex for first three dates, but when it finally comes down it, protection is a no-brainer for penetrative sex but what about foreplay, particularly oral, does any particular care to be taken?
Am pretty worried about STDs, would it be unfair of me to ask a potential partner to have a test before sex? I would obviously take the same test to reassure them. How does it work, does anyone actually ask this before sleeping with a new partner or would it come across as really weird if I asked this?
If your going to ask someone to take an STD test , I hope you have had one yourself . I finished a relationship of 9 yrs at xmas & I booked myself in for an STD test dead easy to do and simple and you get a txt with the result.
Its all about how you position with your potential new partner, maybe say that you have an STD test & I am clear have you ever had one ?
I wanted to be clear myself as I didnt want to start a new relationship not knowing whether I was clean or not as I would hate for months to go down the line and say 'hey babe I have an STD' imagine trying to explain that . Before I got with my current partner he had already had an STD test done before me when he lleft his ex and had not slept with someone since me & I wanted the same I wanted to be in the clear .
Having STD tests done is sensible, but they shouldn't be relied on 100%. For example, with HIV it can take up to six months after infection for a positive result to be shown.
I'm sorry that this doesn't answer your original question, but it's something to be wary of.
I get pretty worried about STIs too and it is really difficult to bring up the subject with a new partner. Of course, as KF said... take the test first! That way you know that you're okay before you ask your partner if they've been tested.
Of course, use protection! And avoid oral, you can still get STIs through oral sex. Hand jobs/fingering is risk free.
I think I asked my boyfriend about screening when we'd slept together a few times. It had become pretty clear that we were going to be doing this on a regular basis so I just asked him outright when he was last tested and said that I had been tested very recently. Just bring it up in general chit chat, it's not offensive to ask, it's sensible and any girl will respect you for being sensible about it.
Ohh and as TheOutsider said, tests are never 100% reliable. Always use condoms until you're 100% sure that you're going to be commited to that person and them to you.
id be more than happy to go . id prefer if they came WITH me and had one on the same day so we're on the same page .. so to speak .. but yeah . its not necessarily anything to worry about asking . sendible really
I have asked my previous 3 partners to go for an STD test before we got it on. In the same respect, I also went for one each time. I was kind of lucky in that I met them online and spent plenty of time getting to know them and feeling comfortable talking about that stuff (Due to time spent chatting before we met) but I guess it would be more awkward in a more traditional relationship.
However it clearly is important to you and I guess the best way to approach it is to say something like "Well since we are getting closer I would like us to get tested, to put both our minds at rest" If the guy runs a mile at your mere suggesting this then it only suggests he is too immature to consider the risks and seriousness of your request and clearly doesnt care if he has, or gives you anything so nice or not, he prob aint worth it.
STDs can be transmitted through oral sex yes and even using protection doesnt completely rule out your chances of catching certain STDs (Like crabs or genital warts for example) You can buy female condoms, dental dams and male condoms for this extra protection though.
Just so you know, it is an unusual subject to bring up (Ive never ever been asked by a guy yet and I don't think it is the done thing in general. However quite a few people do ask, me being one of them and I know there are others and the mature guy will just respect you more for being sensible, mature and caring enough not to give him anything as well as wanting to remain safe yourself. I have heard stories that some people have asked their partner about this and had their partner go nuts, accusing them of thinking they are dirty or have deseases etc. I guess its just down to that persons knowledge and sensibility. Also bare in mind that people can and do lie (Course I had the test hunni, I am clean) Dont believe me? It happened to me and yup, I caught an STD. (Luckily, a treatable one, but still...makes you shudder) You are most certainly not being unfair to ask though, just try and think of a way to broach it with a gentleness rather than an accusatory tone of course.
Maybe something like this:
"Look before we sleep together I need to talk to you. I was with my ex for 10+ years and I hope you understand that I am a bit confused/out of the game and worried about getting back into the swing of things again. Especially since I read/saw/watched heard about/had a friend who caught .... STDS and.....(etc) anyway, I am just being honest here because I obv care about myself and you so I went for an STD test and it came back clean. I hope you understand that I wouldnt be comfortable just having sex with anyone unless I knew that they were clean too. Not saying that you are not but I personally need my mind put at rest. So would you consider getting a test done, for me?
Edit: I did assume that you were a girl lol. Apologies but rather than edit this whole post, I hope you can pick up some info from it and maybe change the "guys" to "woman" sorry sorry xxxx
The first rule of sex is, do not be a fool, wrap your tool
The second rule of sex is, do not be a fool, wrap! your! tool!
"You dont have to use a condom, I'm on the pill" was my cue to grab my pants and put my long distance trainng to the test, as if it was her protection and not mine....pfff
(Yes, I have ran out of a house in boxers and unlaced shoes carrying my clothes at 3am)
Me and my current partner didnt have tests before we stopped using protection, but we had been exclsive for four years before I finaly broke the first and second rules.
I think you should use protection, and when you feel able to ask them about being tested then do it! If they are clean then they shouldn't be offended!
I agree with Fluffbags, KebertXela and Jman and others - if someone won't consider an STD test, they either suspect or know that they do have one, or are not mature enough. Dump 'em.
Some right good advice here by the way! :) I'll keep this all in mind when I started a serious relationship!
It's a bit more complicated than some people are suggesting. Maturity may play a part, but there's also a bit of a generational thing as well, maybe some regional differences and definitely dependence on access to accurate information. Younger people are more clued in about the importance of getting tested. Those of us a bit older seem to have more misconceptions, like only having had a few partners = no reason to get tested. Two men that I've been with, both late 40s now, didn't want to get tested. Neither had been with many women, so they assumed they were safe. They weren't keen on talking about it either because they were embarassed to tell me how few. Needed to do some education there.
My suggestion for approach is to say that you're more comfortable having oral sex if both of you have been tested. I don't wait for the beginning of a relationship, I get myself tested six months after the end of the old one. Far more practical that way. Still have to wait for the man to get his act together, though a cheeky 'I guarantee you it will be worth your while' and a wink does seem to help.
I personally am very paranoid when it comes to STDs and think it is very wise to both get yourself tested before a new physical relationship, You may well know that you are clean but it shows good faith to do it aswell, that way you'll both know for sure =)
Still have to wait for the man to get his act together, though a cheeky 'I guarantee you it will be worth your while' and a wink does seem to help.