BDSM

Sex Tips & Talk
1

Okay, so I'm kind of going out on a limb with posting this, as I've never actually started a topic here before. I've posted in a couple, but mostly just stalk the forums! So yeah, go easy on me and forgive the nervous rambling? XD

Basically, I want to ask if there are many people here who are or have been involved in BDSM relationships? Those who are or have been, how did you find yourself in that relationship? Is it primarily a case of finding someone, and then discovering that they're into that too, or is there anyone who entered a relationship based on that common interest?

I guess I'm asking this partly out of simple curiosity, and partly because I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago, and have been mulling this sort of thing over lately. I've been interested in dominance and submission for a good few years now, and told my OH while we were together. He claimed to be interested too, but I think it was more to please me, than anything.

At any rate, we tried a few things, but it never seemed to work out well. He just wasn't the dominant sort, I think. Far too tentative, which I know sounds callus, but it really did boil down to that for the most part. We were each other's firsts, and by the end of the relationship, I dreaded sex. I've never orgasmed with another person, be it during sex, oral, or anything. It was fine at first, and I was of the mind that I didn't need to come, but then he made it his personal mission to make me do so, which left us both frustrated when it failed.

Basically, I ended up dreading any sort of sex with him, and the relationship crumbled from there. I'm worried about this happening again with another partner. I know that I'm interested in quite a few aspects of BDSM, and interested in trying most things, but the idea of just showing up at some sort of fetish club scares in living daylights out of me, and doesn't exactly seem like a safe thing for a nineteen year old girl to do alone, to boot!

I guess I don't really know what the point of this rambling post is, to be honest. I think I'm trying to ask if anyone has been in a similar situation to this before, and what they did?

2

I think initially you need to get into a relationship where the thought of bdsm is mutual. Now obviously thats far easier said that done, I think if I was in a relationship for a few weeks and suddenly she came out with something like that it'd go one of two ways.

Again as you said, being only 19 you don't really want to start "advertising" (very loose use of the term) on fetish websites as such. More over being only 19 and dreading sex certainly isn't healthy !

Obviously when dating in the future try and see how open and honest they are about sex etc, and try and find the limit. Luckily I'm a fairly open minded person so when I used to be in a relationship which was pretty bdsm dominant it wasn't hard for her to swing my mind towards it, however that started very simply with her introducing ideas to the bedroom i.e. handcuffs and blindfolds, and slowly progressed.

My personal opinion is go out and date and try and block out the worries you have, and once you are into the relationship to talk to the other person, find out what he wants in sex and offer it to him, and hopefully he'll be a gent and return the favour.

3

I think its just something that should come up in conversation as you get to know someone better, and start getting intimate. You may be able to hint things before that I guess, while flirting etc.

Sorry the last relationship didn't work, but I'm sure the next will be better.

4

I think ToyCar has it right. The odd hint during the flirting stage and their response to those hints will be a good guide.

The thing with BDSM, is that you really both need to be into it. I personally don't think it's like other things where sometimes you are willing to do a little something for your partner that isn't particularly your cup of tea and then are willing to give you something in return. I think if BDSM is something that really turns you on, it's ineffective with a partner who doesn't feel the same way. Just my opinion though!

I think you'll be surprised by how many people are turned on by various aspects of BDSM from the mild to the more extreme. The important thing is that you need to completely trust anyone that you go down that route with.

5

daisy duck wrote:

The thing with BDSM, is that you really both need to be into it. I personally don't think it's like other things where sometimes you are willing to do a little something for your partner that isn't particularly your cup of tea and then are willing to give you something in return. I think if BDSM is something that really turns you on, it's ineffective with a partner who doesn't feel the same way. Just my opinion though!

I think you'll be surprised by how many people are turned on by various aspects of BDSM from the mild to the more extreme. The important thing is that you need to completely trust anyone that you go down that route with.

I'd go along with that - but from the perspective of one very much "interested" in BDSM (initially just aesthetically, but interest in much of the activity has certainly increased over time, coming to a head in the relatively recent past when I found a potential partner willing to play - sadly that didn't go well - an entire lack of ultimate trust on my part saw to that - which turned out to be very well justified), but who to date has never found someone who fits both of those criteria. So it remains confined to the inner world of my fantasies.

One thing I've wanted to find out though - does the sexual preference for such activities necessarily have to define and pervade the whole relationship and the power relations within it? Or can it be just stuff that happens in the sexual arena between a couple whilst they maintain an otherwise more conventional relationship in th e broader sense?

I also find myself neither attracted to either the dominant or the submissive role definitively - but enjoy elements of both as mood allows. Does that mean I'd never be *really* into BDSM proper - or just that I'm inherently a switch?

6

Ellipsis wrote:

One thing I've wanted to find out though - does the sexual preference for such activities necessarily have to define and pervade the whole relationship and the power relations within it? Or can it be just stuff that happens in the sexual arena between a couple whilst they maintain an otherwise more conventional relationship in th e broader sense?

I also find myself neither attracted to either the dominant or the submissive role definitively - but enjoy elements of both as mood allows. Does that mean I'd never be *really* into BDSM proper - or just that I'm inherently a switch?

Well, I'm no expert but I keep it in the sexual context personally, with the occasional mild extension into the rest of my life. I prefer for the rest of the relationship to be more conventional, like you say, for the most part.

I personally am only interested in the submissive role, but I don't think it's uncommon to enjoy both.

7

Thanks DD, sorry for any thread hijack LW91.

8

Ellipsis wrote:

One thing I've wanted to find out though - does the sexual preference for such activities necessarily have to define and pervade the whole relationship and the power relations within it? Or can it be just stuff that happens in the sexual arena between a couple whilst they maintain an otherwise more conventional relationship in th e broader sense?

It can be either or!

Personally I'd say I'm a lifestyle sub, but the OH isn't a lifestyle dom so we keep the sub/dom play strictly to the bedroom - there are really easy ways of doing this (in fact there was a thread on it at one point - http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-toys/261461-switching-on-and-off-in-a-loving/ there we go).

But some people enjoy it moving into day to day life - http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/117886-sub-dom-relationships/ (maybe skip over the first page which is a little argumentative but the rest is useful and informative!).

As for dom or sub - many people are switch! I do my best to give the OH some dom sessions despite being sub because I know how much he loves it! http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/community/forums/sex-tips-and-talk/72640-do-you-prefer-being-the-dom-or-sub/

daisy duck wrote:

The thing with BDSM, is that you really both need to be into it. I personally don't think it's like other things where sometimes you are willing to do a little something for your partner that isn't particularly your cup of tea and then are willing to give you something in return. I think if BDSM is something that really turns you on, it's ineffective with a partner who doesn't feel the same way. Just my opinion though!

I actually found in my relationship that whilst my OH wasn't really into the idea initially (many people can see it as degrading) he learnt to love it because he saw how much enjoyment I get from it! With time and lots of slow play we built up to having some exceptional sub/dom sessions and we both love it now! We were each others firsts so by exploring things we liked (even if we hadn't realised we might like them before the exploration) in a non-judgemental and open way we've discovered we love things we never expected to when starting out!

Adx

9

Thanks a lot AD, popping off now - will catch up on the linked threads you posted tomorrow.

10

Just caught on them in full Ad - thanks, very insightful, helpful and reassuring stuff.

11

Ellipsis wrote:

Just caught on them in full Ad - thanks, very insightful, helpful and reassuring stuff. External Media

:D glad you've found it useful!

Adx

12

Hello. Myself and my partner K lead a very Sub/Dom lifestyle. I would always be happy to chat and explain how it all came about for ourselves. Maybe talk soon. X

13

Hello i adore being a submissive Mistress D changed my life.

14

Think you should just go for it, at 19 you will find loads of men who want to give you a little spanking, or whatever you want, and it does not need to be unsafe at all. Just enjoy it. Then if you meet a boy, break it gently. He might love it!! x

15

i was the same my wife would not try any ov it at all but now im single again im looking 4 some 1 to try thing out with but its hard to find some 1 u can be honest with. even more so when ur a man. some ppl look down at u. x x wish u all the look x x x