Well don’t really know how to start this, if in correct area, or even permitted in the forum (apologies if I am in the wrong).
I have been with my partner for 13 years this year and we have had testing times like any other relationships.
About this time last year I found out that she had been sexting an ex of hers and one night I even heard her masterbating whilst talking to him over the phone. We had a clear the air argument and all seemed to go back to normal.
I do not think that she has spoken to him since but I do know that she has spoken to at least 2 other exes with the most recent being last week. I only know this because her phone was going off late at night and I thought it was her mum calling so checked to see who it was. Upong looking at the phone (I know I shouldn’t have) it looks like they had only started talking that evening (unless she tends to delete the history?) but it was clear that he was married and had kids etc.
I have not confronted her about either of the latest two and let them simmer. I honestly don’t know if they have gone any further than sexting although I have given her the green light to sleep with other people but only if we have talked about it and I’m aware (I suffer from ED).
Since February this year random SDI tests and condoms have been turning up in the post. Should I confront this?
Hi there @Welsh-Warrior and welcome to the forum - you are definitely in the right place.
If I were in your shoes I would definitely be addressing this situation. She is clearly ignoring the terms of your “only if we’ve talked about it” agreement, and she knows it. OK she may not have actually had sex with any of these guys (not if she’s been obeying the Covid rules, anyway), but IMHO sexting is just as much an act of infidelity as actual sex. Dammit, you’ve been generous enough to permit her to sleep with someone else - why does she have to sneak around behind your back? It’s so disrespectful!
In my experience, sexting is a form of cheating. It’s like “virtual sex” or “virtual masturbation”, whatever you want to call it. This is coming from a person who has done it quite a bit through quarantine (with people I trust of course). I’d say confront her with it. This is unacceptable behaviour. If it was me, I’d break it off no matter how long we have been together. I won’t put up with that stuff anymore. Definitely speak to her and see what she says and keep monitoring her actions secretly to see if she is still doing it after you speak to her. This may not be the best thing to do but it’s up to you.
I think you need to have a conversation with her about it and find out what is going on. Whether it is cheating or not is up to you to decide. I don’t want to defend her actions, as much of what you have said doesn’t sound great, but it could be that she thought you were ok with sexting or that she would have told you before it progressed to her discussing meeting these people for physical sex. Again, it’s up to you whether the distinction between her deliberately going behind your back or her being confused as to the “rules” is an important one or not.
She may not feel as if she’s doing anything wrong based on your comment re the green light. She could be laying the groundwork to find a prospective partner - there’s an argument that it’s not as if she can discuss it with you without putting some feelers out first as there’d be little point in her saying 'Can I sleep with ‘x’, ‘y’ or ‘z’ without broaching the subject with them first as there’s no point in getting your consent if she doesn’t have theirs!
The second comment re the random deliveries is more of a red light, depending on whether they’ve been used or not of course.
The only way to find out what’s going on is to talk to her. Good luck.
Hi @Welsh-Warrior when you had the conversation about sleeping with others were you just saying that because you felt guilty about the ED? I know it’s the fact she hasn’t said to you about it but is there an issue because they are ex’s instead of randoms. If you are feeling any jealousy at all I can only see this ending badly as you will only worry about her developing feelings for someone else. Hope you can get it sorted out. Best wishes
My ex wife cheated on me via text message. As soon as I found the text message, the trust was violated and I knew our relationship would never be the same.
I’d say it depends. Not all relationships break down negatively. I had a perfectly amicable split from an ex wife who changed her mind on an important part of our relationship (having children in the future) that had been discussed in great detail before we married. I didn’t resent her and she didn’t blame me for not being willing to change my view. So just because someone is an ex it doesn’t mean there’s any more risk of there being emotional attachments forming than with a random stranger. If anything it’s often a better scenario for these situations as you know the person and are aware that it’ll just be for a sexual relationship rather than anything more as you know you’re incompatible in other departments. I’ve known no end of couple split but have some form of FB relationship afterwards because they know the sex was good but wouldn’t dream of anything more.
How much easier is it to discuss this kind of thing with someone you know than a total random?
This ain’t cool bud, she’s not sticking to the agreement. Every relationship is different, I give my hubby permission to sexy strangers as it ain’t something i mind. He’s never done it though I don’t think
Advice address the situation. Talking with exs bothers me though as there was feelings at 1 point so definitely confront her but not in an aggressive manor or you’ll get nowhere. Try n stay calm n good luck
Oh wow you’ve definitely got more strength than me to keep quiet on it for now and to have forgiven her from the first time!
I personally would consider talking to her about it in a neutral way so it can’t fuel any arguments or makes her bottle up on it all as you defo deserve truth for putting mind at rest.
My only worry with this whole scenario is the loss of trust knowing she’s repeatedly done it and not knowing whether to trust anything she says in the future.
Thanks for all the advice everyone, there is an awful lot there for me to take in and digest.
I appreciate that my ED is contributing to all of this as it has been present for about 4 years but got significantly worse over the last 2 so the intimacy has not been there that we have previously shared.
We have tried various things to help such as extenders etc but I am struggling to stay sufficiently erect and I appreciate her comments that it is not like the real thing. That is predominantly why I have told her she can seek this elsewhere but on the condition she plays safe and it is with my knowledge and consent and not behind my back.
Think this is why I am finding it tough that she has been in contact with exes rather than random. But I don’t know if she thinks it would be safer with people she knew than didn’t?
We signed up to a swinging site for this particular reason so that I could vet possible meets as well.
Time to think long and hard about how I should approach the elephant in the room.
You’re super understanding but please don’t go along with anything your not comfortable with. Everybody’s different but it’d break my heart if it was an ex, I’d be questioning the whole relationship.
Anyway I think you need the discussion to make boundaries clear, nothing happens without discussing it, stay safe, no exes or whatever your limits are get them stated but as said don’t go in all guns blazing as she’ll probably shut down and you’ll get nowhere so stay calm n please let us know how you get on
I’m sorry but that’s a definite red flag and you need to be discussing it asap. I can’t speak for you but if that situation happened with me and my Oh she would have already packed up her things. I’m very open and like you would be accepting of the idea if she wanted to include someone else but only under strict terms. You’ve clearly had that conversation with her, she knows the terms but has chose to ignore them, disrespecting the relationship you two have. This has happened once and forgiven. To then go back to it again, still ignoring the terms and behind your back then straight up she see’s no value in your relationship. Sorry if I sound too harsh but if I was in your shoes I’d want some hard truths. The fact she is getting tests and condoms sent through means she is or planning to have sex. I personally would not confront her with these at first but rather open a discussion about the idea of her sleeping with other people and see what she says,if she comes forward with it off her own back and says “yes I was going to speak to you but didn’t know how to bring it up, I’d like to have sex with so and so, I’ve bought a test and condoms so it’s safe” then you can go from there. Good luck with whatever you choose and I hope you get a good outcome
My ex wife cheated on me. That’s why she is the EX wife. We can bang on all we like about “moment of weakness” or “drunken whatever” but at the end of the day we’re all adults who should be able to control our baser impulses, especially if we’re in a committed relationship. It’s all about mutual respect for me, and if they can’t respect you, their life partner, enough to talk to you about the relationship in an adult manner in good times and bad, then your time (and theirs) is being wasted.
Friendship, trust, mutual respect and communication are the cornerstones of every relationship, and if you’re missing even one of these, your’re building on shoddy foundations and your structure will crumble.
@Welsh-Warrior for me once a cheat, always a cheat, time to move on…
You did give her permission to see people the only thing she’s not doing is talking to you about it…
Time for a sit down and calmly discuss this with her, without going to WW III
Sorry if I sound too harsh but if I was in your shoes I’d want some hard truths. The fact she is getting tests and condoms sent through means she is or planning to have sex. I personally would not confront her with these at first but rather open a discussion about the idea of her sleeping with other people and see what she says,if she comes forward with it off her own back and says “yes I was going to speak to you but didn’t know how to bring it up, I’d like to have sex with so and so, I’ve bought a test and condoms so it’s safe” then you can go from there. Good luck with whatever you choose and I hope you get a good outcome