We posted our experience of visiting a club recently. Having spent a lot of time and emotional energy building up to it, the experience was, for us, sadly a negative one. Of course, many others will have a very positive experience and we have no wish to take that away from anyone.
But after that rather uncomfortable experience, and after all the build up, our confidence has been dented and we’re struggling to get it back. By confidence, we mean our sexual confidence and desire has been dented.
Any tips on how to recover would be much appreciated.
Oh no, I’m so sorry to hear you a bad experience at the club (I’m assuming it’s a swingers one?). Without knowing too much details, it’s kinda hard to give advice. If you’re not comfortable to share, that’s okay
I guess the best thing to do would be to have a chat to your partner about what happened, how it led to being a bad experience, was there something that made it uncomfortable for one of you, we’re boundaries crossed, how the situation came about etc.
I guess it’s just learning from that experience. I have personally never had a negative experience, so I know my advice may be a little general but everyone on here will say that communication is key to everything.
No boundaries were crossed. We went for the first time and had decided that we would only play together but be near others. Unfortunately, a rather uninvited proposition was made and my wife felt very objectified and humiliated. We know that it was out of order and unlike the norm for such places, but it left a bad feeling.
We had hoped to simply enjoy being in such an environment, and to explore how being active around others would feel.
@CuriousHubby Ah ha, yes unfortunately I think some individuals do forget what setting they’re in and then thinks it’s just a free for all to drop what comments they want, without any thought or attention going into them.
From my experience, if I’m playing with my couple and we’ve allowed other individuals to watch, we set a very clear line that it’s watching only (they can touch themselves), however there’s no speaking/talking etc and they are most definitely are not allowed to touch us without permission. I’m known for being the bubbly, level headed one but if someone wrongs me, they will most definitely know about it
I wouldn’t get too down hearted on the situation, it was a new one for both of you. These places are learning experiences and I wish you have a better experience next time if you decide to try it again
I would say if you’ve not already reported the person to the club, that you should do that. They’ll not want their customers being upset by someone.
I know you deleted your comments in the original thread and that the comments afterwards confirmed it wasn’t pleasant. We don’t need to know specifics.
I think the only way to get the confidence back is to take baby steps, take some pics, maybe the comments will help to boost and make you both feel good. Go back to the club and just be sociable in the bar, just watch and ease back into it. But definitely report it. If the person has been inappropriate once, they’ll do it again.
Awww I’m sorry to hear about the experience you both had.
But don’t let one horrible person ruin it for you.
I hope you did report the incident to the club as they work really hard to try and make sure we have the best/comfortable/safest experiences that we can.
Going forwards, how was the rest of your evening aside from the encounter you had?
I guess you will have to discuss whether you are prepared to try again at some point, whether it’s worth it and still what you both want.
It wasn’t a great experience as we’ve alluded to. We did enjoy meeting new people and socialising but it wasn’t the erotic experience we were seeking.
We had our boundaries in place, but when a stranger says ‘you’re wife is gorgeous, can I f*** her arse’ when you’ve clearly explained those boundaries, it loses erotic appeal. My wife was somewhat hounded by the male of another couple and we left feeling very uncomfortable indeed and won’t be going back.
Sadly, we did feel some pressure from some to do more than we were comfortable with and so the experience felt rather sordid.
I’m sure we were just unlucky, but after all the build up, it has knocked us a fair bit.
Oh goodness @CuriousHubby it does sound like you got the worst experience for your first night. As the others have said (which I should have mentioned), always tell the owners if someone is harassing you or making you feel uncomfortable as they’ll usually chuck them straight out, or they do at the place I go to.
I’m really sorry to hear about the pressure you were under from other couples. Sometimes in these situations, you really have to be firm with people. Thankfully I’ve never had an experience like yours when I’ve been, but I can understand why this has kinda thrown you and your partner.
I really hope you do give it another try, as it’s a really thing to get into but sometimes just giving yourselves a break maybe the best for the time being
We’ll be fine and we were discussing it earlier today. We’ve got a teenager free night tonight and have made some plans, but we’re not heading back to a club. Sadly, it really did put us off.
Never tried a club but have assisted with a dominatrix in her dungeon rooms where we gave out punishment to customers - it was fun for me and loved the whole atmosphere
@CuriousHubby that wasn’t a pleasant situation for you both. I’ve no experience in clubs like that not my thing and I think I would have lost it with the offender. You’ve still got each other cherish that and if you do venture back hope it’s a bit more positive
You know what, on our first visit we did some things we wasnt planning to - because it seemed ok at the time; the drinks were flowing, sun was shining, people were really nice, we were happy and horny.
But we had a good discussion about it the next couple of days and it taught us a LOT.
I keep finding myself staying more reserves now, not being so friendly and chatty becasue o don’t want people getting the wrong impression from us.
But in a way, this stops us from meeting new people sometimes.
It’s a really tricky situation - most clubs we’ve been to have been full of lovely people.
But we have had other couples try and come onto us too strong when it isn’t wanted
Then you have to try dig yourself out of certain situations which I find difficult too.
So it’s not all fun and games.
To have your boundaries ignored would be upsetting for sure, especially when you’re so new to it and probably feeling a little on edge.
I’ve suggested Fabswingers to a lot of people, possibly to you also, but I can’t remember.
Fab has a really good social side to it, people arrange large social events, usually through the forums but there is an event section too.
Some are purely social, some people will arrange parties for after these, some will have the option of both in separate sections of the venue, some will be smaller gatherings for a little something more than sociable.
I’ve been to a good few social events and they are a great place to meet new people, its more like a night out but possibly you could meet some people that are at the same level as yourselves. I’m in N.I. so the events here are a smaller scale, but I do have friends that regularly go to the Manchester and Newport socials ,and they look really well planned.
Maybe something to consider separate to a sex club but still in the same genre, if you get me.
Maybe I need to do some reading on how swingers clubs work, but I’m not seeing where the violation came from.
A passerby, however crudely offered a compliment and expressed a desire to have sex with your wife. Yes the language used was crude, but were you expecting the request on rolled parchment with a silk ribbon? It’s a swingers club, not high society.
Regarding boundaries - Unless you were hiding behind electrified fencing, how am I, a passer by supposed to know you only want to play by yourselves?
It honestly sounds like you’ve built it up and romanticised your own expectations and when it fell clearly short of the mark that you set up, you were disappointed.
Why that should affect your own sexual confidence I cannot begin to fathom.
