Ive been having a lot of problems recently when it comes to confidence and sex.
Loads of reasons for it, but they basically boil down to my low self-esteem from years of bullying in my school years, too high boundaries that i set for myself. Also a couple of comments from the OH (which he didnt mean to make and didnt mean to hurt me, may i point out), which happend via slip of the tongue. .
There are a lot of threads on LH about helping other people with confidence and helping partners increase their confidence, but I couldnt find any thread about helping increase self-confidence in relation to sex.
So has anyone got any tips that will help me be more confident in the bedroom?
I think the best advice I can give is that you should try and learn to love your body, but in the meantime I would just suggest keep doing things that you're really comfortable with and enjoy, maybe do something your partner will really like. I've always felt really good when surprising my girlfriend with something after I've planned it. It doesn't matter what it is, its always the thought that counts and that effort would keep him happy whatever happens so you should feel good from seeing his reaction?
I guess other than that its a combination of your OH making sure he doesn't say anything that can be misunderstood, and also for you to try not to read too much into things? I have this problem too sometimes :(
Totally understandable that you might be having problems if that's what you've been dealing with for years. I don't have any tried and tested solutions, but how about some full-on body-worship? Get your OH (who should realise he has some serious grovelling to do anyway!) to play submissive for the night and have him totally pamper you - bathe, scrub, massage, oil, dress and pleasure you, all at your command. Permit him every so often to touch you, just a little, and before long he should be longing to touch you more. If he asks nicely, let him, just a little. Then make him beg for it.
Yes, it's silly and over-the-top, but if you can keep a straight face throughout it just might work. Being firm and confident with him when it's not initially about sex might help get you in the right frame of mind, and acting confident will help you feel confident for real. Also, having him prove how far he is willing to go for a little touch of your body should reinforce how much he actually likes it, and how attractive he finds you. He will find that being denied that contact makes him crave it more, and that you actually begin to look more attractive to him even than you did before! Win-win!
Well, that's the theory, anyway. Let us know how you get on!
Mr Mr.
PS Just to let you know, you sound like a lovely person, and I wouldn't have said you had confidence issues. Don't try to live up to anyone else's ideal, just be who you are and enjoy that!
I went through years of zero self confidence and its still a bit of a battle for me. Body image played a large part of it but purging all those years of instilled Catholic guilt was even harder to do. That and regularly being told since the age of about 7 by my mother that I am "strange, weird and something is wrong with me". Sigh...
Someone has already mentioned learning to love your body but you can be a bit more elaborate with it. Sometime when you're alone, in the shower or wherever, take a good look at yourself and try to see in your body what your OH sees. Start doing this outside the bedroom so you can take the pressure off yourself and just take your time.
Even the most self-critical person can find something that they like about their body. Focus on that, be it your legs, bum, breasts or whatever and just look at it and see how beautiful it is. And try to see what it is about this body part that your OH loves and is attracted to. Its amazing what that can do for your self confidence. If you can do that on a regular basis it does help you to have more confidence in the bedroom too.
I dont know what it is specifically which affects your self confidence as it relates to sex - is it body image or not being able to let go and feel free to enjoy it?
I used to be incredibly shy when I was younger and struggled to even talk to girls, then I started martial arts and it changed my confidence in a big way, I'm still just as shy inside and still lack confidence to a certain extent.
But what I learned to do was to switch my confidence on when I needed it, I find thinking the situation out and preparing myself for the worst, then realising the worst is not that big of a deal helps. Then I tell myself over and over in my head a few times that I can do it, and just go for it.
Aside from that, sometimes I find almost playing a role helps, for example when I needed to give a speach recently in front of 50 people, I put on my favourite empowering suit, and thought of how important people like the prime minister/president etc stand and how they leave space between sentances, and went up and did it, once I got started it was actually pretty easy. So maybe watch some sexy scenes in your favourite movie and imagine yourself as that sexy confident lady you wish you could be like! Good luck!
Inara I completly understand how you feel. For a long time I had confidence issues. The best tip I got that really helped me through it, was every day take a look in the mirror and give yourself compliments and say them out loud. Even if you don't really believe what you are saying at the time is true, say it enough and it will start to sink in and you will start to believe it.
Say things like, Wow I am one damn sexy woman! God I look hot today! Tell yourself how pretty you look. I'm sure you get the drift!
It does take a while to work but do it every day and most importanly say it out loud.
I also find that wearing nice underwear helps boost my confidence. Even if I know that I'm the only one that is going to see it! x
Thanks everyone! I think people took one of the bits the wrong way, what my OH said was nothing horrible about me, it was just a fact about him, but it was just something that made me think that I wasnt good enough etc, even though he said i am. I just find it hard to believe people when they say the nicer things about me.
Mr Monster's idea wouldnt be quite right considering the OH hasnt done anything wrong and doesnt have any apologising to do! Another problem with that is that I am utterly submissive, and he is entirely dominant in the bedroom when it comes to a little roleplay...It would never work! Neither of us would feel comfortable with either role, and it doesnt sound like pampering to me, it just petrifies me! I understand how it may work for other people though.
Yoko Says:
I dont know what it is specifically which affects your self confidence as it relates to sex - is it body image or not being able to let go and feel free to enjoy it?
Im not sure what it is specifically either, I just lose a lot of my confidence. I find it really hard to initiate things, and to take any kind of lead at all in case I do something wrong, or hes not in the mood, or I'm just bad at it. So I guess its that i have very little confidence in my ability rather than anything.
I really do appreciate all this advice, more than I can say over a forum. I will definitely try thinking about my body more, even if I dont believe it, so I shall just start wearing some sexy underwear more often, and not have too many lazy pyjama days!
I find it really hard to initiate things, and to take any kind of lead at all in case I do something wrong, or hes not in the mood, or I'm just bad at it. So I guess its that i have very little confidence in my ability rather than anything.
Would it help if you said "would you like me to do..." that way, he is still in control but you are taking some initiative
Would it help if you said "would you like me to do..." that way, he is still in control but you are taking some initiative
I see how that could be helpful actually, but funny enough, I dont think I could do it. Id find that just as hard as taking the lead, if not harder. Id find it easier to take the lead if I didnt say anything, but actually saying something outloud, in comparison to actions, is something I really struggle with....odd I know.
I think I really do need to try something like that though, just bite the bullet and do it anyway. Its always getting over the first hurdle that is the hardest.
Im not sure what it is specifically either, I just lose a lot of my confidence. I find it really hard to initiate things, and to take any kind of lead at all in case I do something wrong, or hes not in the mood, or I'm just bad at it. So I guess its that i have very little confidence in my ability rather than anything.
I know what you mean. I too find it really hard to initiate sex even when I'm gagging for it. To make sure I wont get rejected I chose my moments. So when he's had a really stressy day at work or he's exhausted I dont even think of doing it. That's when the hugging and back rubs come into play.
But what works a treat is to sorta spring it on him without him realising whats happening External Media
So for instance... if I knew he'd be getting home at a certain time on a friday night (he's automatically more relaxed on a friday night than a week night) I might sure to be in the shower when he came in the door. He comes home to find me naked and wet in the shower and what else is he gonna do??? External Media
That way I don't have to initiate anything, I just let nature takes its course. Would that sort of thing work for you? You could use your imagination here and engineer all kinds of situations where sex would just be the natural outcome rather than you having to initiate it.
If it didn't happen every time its probably more a reflection of him being tired or whatever than on anything you did.
That way I don't have to initiate anything, I just let nature takes its course. Would that sort of thing work for you? You could use your imagination here and engineer all kinds of situations where sex would just be the natural outcome rather than you having to initiate it.
If it didn't happen every time its probably more a reflection of him being tired or whatever than on anything you did.
I think thats actually a brilliant idea - thankyou! Its not too big a step for me to take in one go. It may even help me get better at actually taking the initiative. Small chunks and all that.
My problem is not from being rejected by my current OH, but from being rejected by my ex on a lot of occasions, which just knocked my confidence. And unfortunately I havent really made it obvious when I want to initiate it with the current OH because of things like this. I have tried a fair few times, but i dont tend to get anywhere with it.
I think thats actually a brilliant idea - thankyou! Its not too big a step for me to take in one go. It may even help me get better at actually taking the initiative. Small chunks and all that.
My problem is not from being rejected by my current OH, but from being rejected by my ex on a lot of occasions, which just knocked my confidence. And unfortunately I havent really made it obvious when I want to initiate it with the current OH because of things like this. I have tried a fair few times, but i dont tend to get anywhere with it.
Honestly I'm just the same. Before I met my husband I had some experiences which dented my confidence and left me feeling just like you. It took me quite a while to believe him when he would tell me I looked good or whatever.
We've been together for years and I still cant tell him directly what I want or when I want it. Dont ask me why; I just find it incredibly difficult and find the "indirect" route suits me much better. And even better, if you start plotting these little scenes in your head its a great turn on. Win-win !! External Media
You've already got some awesome advice, so I don't know how helpful this'll be...
Being touched a lot in a non-sexual context might help. Maybe ask him to give you a long massage and tell you everything he admires about your body when he's doing it? How strong you feel, or how much he loves the dip of your lower back. That manner of thing.
Taking up an activity like dancing might help - getting in touch with my body's movements and what it can do really improved my self-esteem.
There are a lot of threads on LH about helping other people with confidence and helping partners increase their confidence, but I couldnt find any thread about helping increase self-confidence in relation to sex.
I don't think these are divorced matters. Self confidence = sexual confidence to a large extent.
Good luck Inara, it takes time but you will get there with time.
I don't think these are divorced matters. Self confidence = sexual confidence to a large extent.
In general I'd agree with that, however, there can be other factors in the mix.
I don't know if this is true for you Inara, but part of the issue for me is that I'm perhaps a little afraid of being judged for initiating sex. My husband is a great man but tends to be very conservative about most things. And sometimes he makes funny comments when I do initiate sex. Not always, but enough for me to register that he thinks it a little unusual or that he isn't comfortable with me doing that.
If I were to sleep with a complete stranger I would feel totally uninhibited because I'd never see him again so I wouldnt care what he thought of me, but because I'm with the man I'm with and I do care what he thinks, I feel I have to censor myself.
I'm not saying that's necessarily the case with you Inara, but as someone who has a similar issue I just thought I'd mention it.
I just thought Id say thankyou again guys. Ive had a great talk this evening with phantasma about the whole issue with my self-confidence in every day life, and actually addressing it as an issue as I have done feels like its helped. Mini mini steps and all that.
Il try and incorporate some of your ideas into my way ofthinking, as something has to work at some point in time. An now I have actually recognized that I need to get better with my confidence (not just in the bedroom I must add), I might actually just do that.
I really do appreciate your kind words and thoughtful advice on this thread - I just wanted to say again.
Just one thing I forgot to mention, it maybe worth a shot. I think confidence comes because you try things fail and realise it's not so bad, so how about one day getting in the car, driving for 1 hour to somewhere your never been or care to go again and experimenting with pretending to be confident, the people won't know you and the embarrisment / mistakes will have no real consequence on your life. Of course just start with very small things, like talking to a stranger about the weather, saying hi to people as you pass them by...
I really relate to what you're saying. I was bullied horribly in school, myself. I honestly felt I was ugly and unloveable. The sad thing is, I was actually really beautiful. I mean, I looked like a model, and was asked by people if I modelled all the time. I'm not trying to brag... it's been years since anybody asked me that. I'm just saying that even people who look like they should be confident can be insecure.
I am not as pretty as I once was, but I am sexier, because I have more confidence. I'm still insecure, though. I will never like my breasts. They were incredibly small (and are now only slightly bigger, although a bit saggier, since having kids.) I had the idea in my head that I wasn't sexy because I didn't have boobs. You know how the media and teenage boys are: obsessed with boobs. Between being bullied for being a nerd and never really developing breasts, I ended up with a pretty bad complex. I am pretty vain about my legs and I like my butt, but I don't even really enjoy my breasts played with, because I've got such issues about them.
Anyway, sorry for making this all about me.
I can't tell from your post just what your confidence issues are. Maybe you are like the majority of women who think that their thighs are too big and cannot believe that the same men who look at the perfect women in lads mags can actually look at the normal woman they love and think "Now that is HOT!" Maybe your confidence problems are more general, like JonnyBeBad has suggested.
I think you should take things easy, stick to what you're comfortable with (if you need the lights out to enjoy sex, then don't feel like you have to turn them on full in order to "get over it") and focus on enjoying that. Focus on driving your man crazy with some teasing... notice how into it he is, and you'll see that he's really into YOU.
