so me and my boyfriend have been together just over a year now and there is still some big issues when it comes to self confidence on his end. Now he is a very anxious person in general (he has mentioned going to therapy for this as he has before and I try to encourage this) and according to him his self confidence was shot after breaking up with his ex. As far as I can find out there is no specific reason for this just more general. Anyway his self confidence is so low that he won't even take his shirt off, even during sex, and the slightest little hiccup during sex (e.g. condom won't go on first time, someone gets muscle cramp) or anything else causing him to get so nervous that things just stop working so to speak. I have tryed to be as forgiving and understandnig as possible so as not to make things any worse but privately it does get kinda frustrating. I have tryed my best to gently encourage him, say nice things about him, compliment him, tell him that I get nervous about myself too but nothing seems to help. I try getting him to talk about what might help e.g. having lights off, having a couple drinks before, spending more time on foreplay, I ahve told him that I like his body the way it is and when we are physical I am not thinking about anything like that but jus about how good things feel when we are together. He just says things will get better with time but after a year it is starting to feel like forever. It is hard to get him to even open up and talk about it as he just gets nervous and won't talk. I know some people just don't like to open up but nothing else seems to be helping either so I don't know what to do. I have never put pressure on us to have sex and there are plenty times we have spent just enjoying each others company but things could just be so much better in that department if he could loosen up and just enjoy himself.
Anyway this was partly me venting and partly wondering if anyone had any suggestions?
If he is running soooo close to his perceived limit of what he can cope with that any small setback is a disaster then, in my opinion, this is more of a generalised anxiety disorder issue, rather than a sex issue. Personally, I think he needs to see someone about this, I suspect that in the broader sense of him sorting out his anxiety will the sex confidence improve. My husband has been in the same position you are in several times, he knows I will struggle with sex when the ‘mentals’ flair up. Time to treat the root cause, methinks.
I really hope things do improve for both of you, no more fun being the person on the receiving end of an anxious person than it is being the anxious person themselves. Hopefully someone might be along soon with some practical sex-based helpful suggestions.
Kitty, I’m sorry to hear that. I really sympathise. I think therapy would be a good start. I have suffered with a lack of confidence all my life. I hope I offer a little help. Best wishes.
I struggle with crippling anxiety, I have for so many years (about 15!) I struggle to get words out sometimes, especially when it comes to feelings or when I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. What helps me is to not physically say it, but to type or write it. Usually people who suffer with anxiety have coping mechanisms. See if you can find his? Because if he just closes off it might not always be that he doesn’t want to let you in, it’s maybe that he doesn’t know how to, yet. Clearly the things that his ex had said or done in the past broke him down so much that he believes he’s no good - unattractive & unable... I don’t know if this is something that you’d both be interested in, but maybe try intimate games? It’s more relaxed than asking questions. Maybe in a carefree, fun atmosphere he might loosen up. But honestly, sometimes the key is just time & consistency. Even though it may seem repetitive to you, it’s slowly breaking through his walls & showing him that regardless of his selfdoubts and “imperfections”, he is perfect & worth it to you. Communication is always the most important thing!
Ask him to go to the doctors. My wife made me go and just opening up about it and realising I wasn't a freak made me feel somewhat more at ease. They will probably recommend CBT which works for some but not others. The next step would I guess be further therapy and then medication (which some may or may not want) One of the most frustrating things about anxiety is someone saying 'oh don't worry about it it doesn't matter' so please try to understand and support him.
I agree. Therapy does definatly help. I had social anxiety and confidence issues which also turned into me overthinking and not sleeping. I had CBT and hypnotherapy relaxation techniques and I feel so much better. I still tend to lie in bed and think too much but the hypnotherapy tips help. Hope everything works out and give as much support as you can :)
I agree. Therapy does definatly help. I had social anxiety and confidence issues which also turned into me overthinking and not sleeping. I had CBT and hypnotherapy relaxation techniques and I feel so much better. I still tend to lie in bed and think too much but the hypnotherapy tips help. Hope everything works out and give as much support as you can :)
I had a different opinion of CBT. They worked on loads of exercises with me but writing a list, feeling the quilt and breathing with my eyes closed never really cut it with me. Personally running alone and music works best for me as it calms me down.
I agree. Therapy does definatly help. I had social anxiety and confidence issues which also turned into me overthinking and not sleeping. I had CBT and hypnotherapy relaxation techniques and I feel so much better. I still tend to lie in bed and think too much but the hypnotherapy tips help. Hope everything works out and give as much support as you can :)
I had a different opinion of CBT. They worked on loads of exercises with me but writing a list, feeling the quilt and breathing with my eyes closed never really cut it with me. Personally running alone and music works best for me as it calms me down.
I felt that the relaxation helped more than the CBT. Writing things down took weight off my shoulders too.
Try taking a step back from the bedroom activities if this is what is making him anxious. Focus on doing things together which you both enjoy outside the bedroom. Be fun, be romantic and let the bedroom time grow back organically. At the same time, it great that he’s aware of himself too. One thing for me when I had (and still do a little) body issues was to join a naturist group... yes it is kind of jumping in the deep end there but it was the best thing for me. Totally detaches nudity from sex and suddenly you’re comfortable in your self and your body.
It’s so sad that you’re both experiencing this but he definitely needs to seek help for his anxiety. A bit of a different outlook than others have said above but you also deserve to be happy and sexually fulfilled in your relationship. I 100% agree as others have said that he clearly needs help and support and it’s so sad that his ex has made him feel this way and he’s carrying these emotional scars but it’s also unfair that you should be carrying this burden as well. I really do hope some sort of counselling will help in the long run. Good luck x
My hubby went through an extremely difficult time, when his ex cheated on him and also treated him bad. He went down a really slippery road and his self confidence was shattered.
He was never with anyone in a committed relationship for a long time after that, until he met me (obviously he had some casual sexual encounters during this time).
He had extremely low self-esteem and confidence. His anxiety and anger issues were awful for him. With a hell of a lot of communication and encouragement, we finally got him to attend therapy for this and a number of related issues.
I am so proud of him to this day, and showing him love, support and communicating with him, has helped him become so much stronger. This experience has made us so close and enabled us to grow together.
With love and support, and believing in someone. I do believe (and have experienced) that someone's life can be improved so much more with the right help and communication, and for the better.
I really feel for you kitty29, and indeed anyone in this situation. I hope my advice has helped and wish you all the best wishes and success for sorting this issue out. It can be done and where there is strong love in a relationship, you will be surprised at what you can conquer together.
The best medicine starts with communication and it took me ages to get hubby to talk, but earning his trust and giving my full support eventually enabled this. We can talk about anything now, we laugh together, we cry together.
i think your doing and saying all the right things. I don't think there is actually anything more you can do apart from going with him to the doctors.
men have a tendency to bottle things up and going to the docs isn't really a thing they do. ( well I know my partner does this ) they don't want to cause a fuss and try and get on with it. However if he's agreed to go see a doc then make an appointment for him otherwise he will put it off. I'm not saying do it behind his back , but a little help will go a long way