I was married to a man who made me fee terrible about myself. Sex was always the same and what he wanted. If i did get to try anything new i was made to feel stupid. Now im with a great guy......but after three yers he has never seen me naked....or in sexy undies.....again sex is.always the same and im to shy to suggest trying anything new. Wht if i get it wrong?we dont talk about it either. I can see this coming between us. What do i do? How can i get the confidence? Its tearing me apart as he deserves better :-(
You should talk to him and explain all your insecurities and what you'd like to do
I know it's hard but you gotta try and not let what happened with your ex affect your current relationship
S
What you need to do is talk to him. Tell him exactly what you've told us. Tell him you don't feel attractive and you feel self conscious. I've been there before, and the only thing that helped me feel better was talking to my husband who put all my worries to rest and have me a new lease of life.
But think to yourself in the meantime, if your new partner is so great, doesn't that in itself reflect on you? Why would you have such a loving lovely partner, and keep a hold of him for three years, if he didn't think you were attractive or some sort of horrible person.
I'm sure you're just feeling down because of your past relationship, but ex's are ex's for a reason.
Talk with your partner, I'm sure you'll feel much better :)
Explain everything to him. Take little steps, a new position, get happy with that, then maybe a new toy, get happy with that, then maybe some different underwear...take little steps :)
Also look at making yourself feel better without needing the ok from someone else - it's hard, I had a very difficult stage where I couldn't be happy unless I was making the OH happy and got the ok from him...it wasn't healthy. Now I am happy in myself, which makes talking to him much easier because I'm not constantly worrying.
Don't worry about getting it wrong! Everyone does! The amount of times I've messed up...I suggested trying 69'ing with my OH, and the first time I kneed him in the face and we had to stop...we tried a new position and I nearly snapped his manhood in half...we tried a new position with handcuffs, and I ended up dribbling (so sexy!).. But for every time something goes wrong, a hundred other times it goes brilliantly and is well worth it. It's a learning curve together :) And something to look back on and smile! (Or cringe..)
Being shy myself and knowing that feeling really well, can I do one thing first? *Massive hugs*
It isn't easy to talk about your insecurities, or to even get over them. For example, I might wear sexy underwear because I want my boyfriend to see it and appreciate how I look, but then I get too shy to show him (and it makes me feel really awful because I think, "I went to all this effort because I wanted to make him happy, and now he isn't going to see? :'("). Thankfully, he seems to know all the places that get me turned on, and I find that I don't feel so awkward and self-conscious about my body when I am turned on; I'm much more comfortable with showing him the bits that I would call problem areas.
Really, I think confidence comes with accepting how you look (if that's what you're worried about) and becoming more comfortable with it. I find one thing that helps me sometimes is to wear your favourite underwear set - a pretty or sexy bra, knickers that go with it, stockings and then maybe a suspender belt, and stare at yourself in a mirror. If you're not happy with parts of your body, don't stand too close because then you're more likely to focus on any negative areas and just feel embarrassed and horrible. Or, at least, that's what I'm like anyway. :/
Knowing that my boyfriend finds me physically attractive helped with being able to be in various states of undress in front of him but it can be very difficult to think that someone could find you attractive if you yourself can't see anything attractive about your body.
And, if you're too shy to speak about what you want, what you like and make any suggestions, then it could be useful to flirtily text him or write a little note that he'll easily find that's really flirty and teasing and incorporates something you'd like him to do to you, or that you'd like to do to him, or that you'd like the two of you to try together. After a while, it'll get easier to be more open and talk about that sort of thing face-to-face. Forcing yourself to speak about that kind of thing when you're not comfortable with it can sometimes do more damage to yourself than good.
Sadly, confidence isn't something that you suddenly have with just a click of your fingers (man, I wish it was D:). It's something you'll gain a bit more of as you come to accept your body and who you are as a person, and the fact that you are loved and lovable.
I know you're really worried about this and upset, but you've been with each other for three years, even as you're having these concerns. I think that should be proof enough that he loves you for who you are, my dear. :) So I don't think you need to worry about "getting it wrong" - after all, there isn't only one right way, is there?
Once again, big hugs from me. x
Like others have said you need to talk to him and tell him how and why you feel like you do. Then try not to preasure yourself and just take tiny steps when you feel ready.
I agree flirty texts are good and much easier than saying those things face to face.
I possibly know how you feel. I was married to a horrible bully and my partner now (whom I've been with for nearly 2 yrs) is fantastic & completely the opposite.
It takes a while to get used to someone actually being nice to you even when that person hasn't actually done anything to make you suspicious.
I'd suggest starting off small in terms of letting him see you naked. Invest in candles, a soft bedside light. Those sorts of things. Try progressing to taking a bath together by candlelight with lots of bubbles.
Hopefully by getting used to him seeing you like this it will help your confidence.
Xx
I used to be the same like others, I was with a big bully for years and he made me feel like shit, calling me fat, stupid, idiot, ugly, useless blah blah blah.
When I first got with my current partner it was really hard because I had false confidence, I could project strong enough to the world but with him and in private I was in bits. He couldn't understand this and thought I was doing it for attention and sympathy with him, because he adored me and couldn't see the problem. It obviously then became an issue in our relationship.
We have got through it through talking about the cause of all this, and if your partner is great like he sounds when you describe him, he will understand and be supportive to you. You say he deserves better in your OP, but remember - YOU deserve better too, to feel happy and confident, and be able to follow your fantasies and have fun :).
Please don't worry about getting it wrong, I have got it wrong so many times, as has my man. And we laugh about it! I've crushed his balls, given him bleeding noses, ruined the mood by accidentally punching him in the ribs, (seriously this was all by accident haha) and so much more. But we talk about it, laugh about it and it doesn't stop us trying something new!
I agree with all the above advice which really highlights communication - as well as the texting/note writing, soft lighting etc. Try some sensual foreplay that is really loving, such as massaging, cuddling and kissing and telling secrets with the lights off late at night to just generally open up - sounds like both of you need to :)
xxx
My ex boyfriend was very abusive to me he would put me down all the time and it was very hard at first being with my partner now as i was scared.
but like others have said,
I'd say the key is to talk to each other.
The first and most important thing is the your with a great guy who loves you just as you are.
You want you be more confident, I was very shy when I was young and it was not helped by some of my teachers at school constantly telling me I was not good enough, so I ended up not trying because of fear of failure.
When I was in my late teens I became good friends with a friend of my mother who focused on my strengths and not my weaknesses. I think that when you are shy you tend to look at your faults not your strengths.
One of the best words of wisdom she shared with me was that in order to truly love someone you must first love yourself. I know I am a bloke so can never understand the female mind, but when my wife buys herself nice underwear , clothes or gets her hair cut, it is not for me, it is to make her feel good.
Confidence comes from within focus on you treat yourself or even better get your great guy to treat you.
When I started work, I was put under the wing of a old chap who was nearing retirement, I can remember him saying to me, son if you learn from your mistakes one day you will be bloody good one day.
I also worked with a boss, who used to say in life the only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.
So what I am saying is don't worry about making mistakes, you will make them, but when you do learn from them.
I have been married for nearly twenty two years, we have had or ups and downs like all couples, communication is important, we had a misunderstanding only last week. It was resolved by me explaining my feelings via text.
My advice would be to send him a text to explain how you feel, you might even find that he feels the same way, start communicating, make a few mistakes on the way, learn from them and have fun.
Remember sex is ridiculous when you think about it, it will never be perfect, so go on a journey together have some fun and more that a few laughs together. Enjoy making mistakes and learn together.
Hampshire Hogg wrote:
The first and most important thing is the your with a great guy who loves you just as you are.
You want you be more confident, I was very shy when I was young and it was not helped by some of my teachers at school constantly telling me I was not good enough, so I ended up not trying because of fear of failure.
When I was in my late teens I became good friends with a friend of my mother who focused on my strengths and not my weaknesses. I think that when you are shy you tend to look at your faults not your strengths.
One of the best words of wisdom she shared with me was that in order to truly love someone you must first love yourself. I know I am a bloke so can never understand the female mind, but when my wife buys herself nice underwear , clothes or gets her hair cut, it is not for me, it is to make her feel good.
Confidence comes from within focus on you treat yourself or even better get your great guy to treat you.
When I started work, I was put under the wing of a old chap who was nearing retirement, I can remember him saying to me, son if you learn from your mistakes one day you will be bloody good one day.
I also worked with a boss, who used to say in life the only man who never makes a mistake is the man who never does anything.
So what I am saying is don't worry about making mistakes, you will make them, but when you do learn from them.
I have been married for nearly twenty two years, we have had or ups and downs like all couples, communication is important, we had a misunderstanding only last week. It was resolved by me explaining my feelings via text.
My advice would be to send him a text to explain how you feel, you might even find that he feels the same way, start communicating, make a few mistakes on the way, learn from them and have fun.
Remember sex is ridiculous when you think about it, it will never be perfect, so go on a journey together have some fun and more that a few laughs together. Enjoy making mistakes and learn together.
Brilliant advice as always from Father Ted x
Thanks everyone. Its just so hard to feel good when you hate everything about yourself so much.
As i said...he has never seen me in sexy undies (& doubt he ever will unless i lose weight....im a 20/22) & we have never used toys........although ive been looking the last couple of days......any you can suggest?
He was married before and from bits he has said i gather it was a no holds barred sex life which worries me more :-(
You should try some of the top rated in the 3 for £10 offer to get you started lightly, or when thats ended, simply go to their best sellers section. I'm sure you'll find something there you're comfortable with
Good luck with talking to your OH, by the sounds of it you both adore eachother, so when you've explaied your worries to him I'm sure you'll have to prepare yourself for a wonderful relationship full of new experiences :)
Start off small have a nice massage and a little game with a dice and have a little vibrator too these are on 3 4 £10 make it fun and relaxed
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Id say you should explain him your situation, its a very intimate topic but getting it of your chest like you're trying here really helps a lot. You must confront him. And if you want something new, id say try with a couple of basic vibrators, perhabs a dildo. And if you know something he have wanted to try then buy that, if you want to too of course.
The best of luck you you! i hope you figure things out, and congratulations on your new great guy.