Deprived for an embarrassingly long time....

... how would you attempt to rekindle your sex life after such a long period of time without any sexual contact?

I have been thinking about getting some toys to perk my husbands interest. It's not that we don't find each other attractive. We just fell out of the 'habit' for too long.

Okay, I think it's important to feel sexy and to think yourself as sexy, not just see your partner as attractive. The more practical obvious answer, if it's habitual, is to change your habits. Easy to say, I know.

Do you watch porn? If not, watch more porn. Explore what turns you on (and what doesn't). Conversely, do you watch too much porn? Is it an addiction that takes away from sexy times with your flesh and blood partner? If so, wean yourself off it in order to encourage you to scratch that itch with hubby.

Do you masterbate often? If not, masterbate more. Make some time for yourself and really feel around, get to know your body and your genitals, intimately. Know how and where you like to be touched. Same conversion as above applies.

Set a date night. You may hear things like "spontaneity is the key to passion!" However, there's strong evidence that scheduled sex (as unromantic as it sounds) is actually very heathly for married couples, and is very useful for keeping the passion going after years of familiarity. If you really commit to it, it can help reverse the habitual behaviour, get you both used to having sex together again. Sometimes we just have to remind ourselves - mind and body - that sex actually feels great and we do rather enjoy it. You may find that having a set time and/or place for sex helps build anticipation, something that can be aided and teased with cheeky texts, saucy notes, naughty pics, etc. There's nothing that says you have to always do the same thing on date night (either in or out of the bedroom) - you can still aim for variety and surprises, etc. Which brings us to...

Try something new and exciting to help "kick-start" your desires. Get some new sexy lingerie to both titilate him and help yourself feel sexy again. Like you said toys may be helpful too. If you're both game, maybe you could even turn the lack of sexual contact to your advantage by taking date night one step further and roleplay some "met someone at the bar/hotel" routine - explore each other as if for the very first time. Again, pretending to be someone else for a night of passion is one way to regain that sense of spontaneity.

Finally, good old fashioned communication. Make sure you're both on the same page. Talk to him about your feelings, about your wishes to make things better again. Find out where he is, emotionally, psychologically. Hopefully, like you said, this is just a habitual thing, a classic case of becoming complacent with someone you see every single day. But even if there is any other issues, communication is key to finding a solution.

The very best of luck to you both!

Duplicate post

Thank you for your reply.

I have never considered myself sexy but my husband does so to me that's all that matters.

I love watching porn but hubby doesn't get off on it, so I find myself just watching it by myself. I would love to say I watch too much porn but I don't get a lot of alone time.

I masterbate frequently, or I think 4 or 5 times a week is (maybe not for others). Normally in bed while hubby is sleep, but I am looking at some new toys to use when I am alone or to introduce hubby to.

We have date nights but maybe I will try to push things further. I think the biggest step is addressing it and talking about it. Our relationship (17 years) is very good apart from this issue and because of that one have been happy to be faithful and 'do without' for fear of messing with a good thing, if that makes sense.

Thank you once again for replying and listening. I am not going to ignore any advice 😊

If you're thinking about introducing toys then this guide might be of use to you http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/sex-toys/buyers-guide/how-to-introduce-sex-toys-into-a-relationship/ :)

Might Sound boring but have you tried 'scheduling' sex?

That is you set yourselves a time say an hour once/twice a week (increase as desired/practical) where for this time it is a minium you have to spend naked (or in some erotic outfit) and doing naughty things.

Since you 'have' to spend the time together you often make the most of it. Also as you schedule it you make it mandatory so you can't just put it off for eastenders.

Whilst inially and at times its a pain. like going to the gym, by making things regular whether you enjoy it or not you make it a habit and can start building from there.

This differs from 'date nights' were in its purely about sex/sexual experiances. However date night could be bult around it ie the well if we have to do it anyway lets at least try to enjoy it.

I have been thinking about it a lot more since posting and getting replies. It might sound silly to you all but just talking about it has helped, so thanks for listening.

I have spent the morning looking at the site for various toys.

Hubby is out right now, but I have decided to take the bull by the horns, so to speak and mention that I am ordering some things and ask him if he would like anything ordering. I know own he will be happy I am looking at a harness as he has an interest in anal play.

I think this might 'make' us talk about it and hopefully make him look forward to the delivery 😊

Maybe than we can set a date/sex night and go from there.

Sounds good. Keep us posted on how it goes!

Good luck.

This may sound odd but you stated you don't feel sexy... do you enjoy lingerie or dressing up? Sometimes just slipping on something sexy flips a switch for me.

Well I mentioned it when he got home, he asked why I was on the site and I said it would be good to get something to play round with in the bedroom (didn't dismiss it). Told him I was placing and order and to have a look and see if anything took his fancy (he hasn't looked yet). He mentioned something about the money but I said look anyway cause we will be getting 20% off ;)

I will mention it again before placing the order and if that doesn't work i'll show him what I buy when it turns up.

No I don't dress up or buy anything like that. I am quite large so it's not something that pleases me to try and find to be honest.

Hi there,
Love honey do a lot of plus size lingerie something may catch your eye, even if you just wear it for you. I have to say well done on grabbing the bull by the horns. Not having intimacy can become a habit and so easy to continue by making excuses, can't because of this and can't because of that. It is difficult to break the vicious circle. I hope your partner meets you halfway and pays interest. He may be feeling nervous as well as its like meeting and dating for the first time. Enjoy fun together to reconnect, cuddles, laughs and kisses are so important and set the mood. Good luck 😀

JaneO wrote:

Well I mentioned it when he got home, he asked why I was on the site and I said it would be good to get something to play round with in the bedroom (didn't dismiss it). Told him I was placing and order and to have a look and see if anything took his fancy (he hasn't looked yet). He mentioned something about the money but I said look anyway cause we will be getting 20% off ;)

Hmm. I may be wrong but it seems like he's going out of his way to not be interested. Perhaps going along the "hey look, surprise! I bought some sex toys to use and rekindle our lacklustre sexlife" route isn't going to be the quick and easy fix here. If he's bringing up the money there may be stresses and worries that are bothering him and are an underlying cause for his lack of interest in sex.

I think maybe you just need to talk with him about your feelings and your wishes. Ask where he is, what his thoughts and feelings are on the state of your sexual relationship. Determine whether or not he's in agreement on a need to improve the situation, whether it's as much of a concern/priority for him as it is for you.

It's just a vibe I'm getting from your report of the situation and his behaviour, oppologies if I'm off-base here.

Eager-2-Please - please don't apologise. I asked for advice so I am taking it all on board from everyone. It's just nice to be able to 'talk' about it and someone listen. I also agree that a proper sit down is in order, especially after the order is delivered. I also feel something is on his mind he hasn't voiced yet.

His comment about money wasn't becuse of worries, he is just tight sometimes. Hopefully the butt plug and harness I have just bought will resolve this tightness issue!

JaneO good luck I am on the other side of a very similar fence would love my OH also larger to order a strap on harness !

Which did you go for? I keep looking at the sports sheets harness with the gorgeous corset detailing and getting really turned on!

Best of luck and try not to make it pressured, last thing is fragile men need worrying we are too old, fat, small, quick etc already

Confidence is sexy as hell so be as confident as you can!

That should read "us fragile men"

Hate the no edit policy I make too many typos!!!

JaneO wrote:

Well I mentioned it when he got home, he asked why I was on the site and I said it would be good to get something to play round with in the bedroom (didn't dismiss it). Told him I was placing and order and to have a look and see if anything took his fancy (he hasn't looked yet). He mentioned something about the money but I said look anyway cause we will be getting 20% off ;)

I will mention it again before placing the order and if that doesn't work i'll show him what I buy when it turns up.

No I don't dress up or buy anything like that. I am quite large so it's not something that pleases me to try and find to be honest.

Can I just say on the 'dressing up' side of things I felt the same for years. Hubby then gently ushered me to the LH website and I started to have a really good look through. I started with what I would describe as 'tame' lingerie items and very quickly progressed to much more revealing stuff. The trick I find is to be honest with myself about sizing and not trying to squeeze into something too small just because you prefer the number on the label (although I did recently and it actually paid off). I am now the proud owner of ALOT of different lingerie items and I (and my husband) love them all. I would highly recommend trying some and if you don't like it fir whatever reason there is always the LH returns policy to fall back on. Xxxx

Hornydragon wrote:

JaneO good luck I am on the other side of a very similar fence would love my OH also larger to order a strap on harness !

Which did you go for? I keep looking at the sports sheets harness with the gorgeous corset detailing and getting really turned on!

Best of luck and try not to make it pressured, last thing is fragile men need worrying we are too old, fat, small, quick etc already

Confidence is sexy as hell so be as confident as you can!

Hey HornyDragon, I went for this one after comparing the adjustment sizes and reviews - http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=27236 - I am hoping it will be gratefully received! 😉 If not he can use it on me, while plugged and in his new cage I have ordered - not that I have thought about this too much! 😄

lovingnewtoys wrote:

JaneO wrote:

Well I mentioned it when he got home, he asked why I was on the site and I said it would be good to get something to play round with in the bedroom (didn't dismiss it). Told him I was placing and order and to have a look and see if anything took his fancy (he hasn't looked yet). He mentioned something about the money but I said look anyway cause we will be getting 20% off ;)

I will mention it again before placing the order and if that doesn't work i'll show him what I buy when it turns up.

No I don't dress up or buy anything like that. I am quite large so it's not something that pleases me to try and find to be honest.

Can I just say on the 'dressing up' side of things I felt the same for years. Hubby then gently ushered me to the LH website and I started to have a really good look through. I started with what I would describe as 'tame' lingerie items and very quickly progressed to much more revealing stuff. The trick I find is to be honest with myself about sizing and not trying to squeeze into something too small just because you prefer the number on the label (although I did recently and it actually paid off). I am now the proud owner of ALOT of different lingerie items and I (and my husband) love them all. I would highly recommend trying some and if you don't like it fir whatever reason there is always the LH returns policy to fall back on. Xxxx

I have also been thinking about this more and my previous reply. I may have come across selfish as I was not thinking about what he might like to see me in. So I will have a look around and also elsewhere (plus size on here might not be big enough) and see if that might help also 😀

That looks good this is the one I covet

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=31756

Cage as well! My my he is a lucky boy!

Hornydragon wrote:

That looks good this is the one I covet

http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=31756

Cage as well! My my he is a lucky boy!

Ohh that is very sexy/pretty. You should go for it and we can compare notes! 😀