Hi there everyone.
I hope someone can help as i dont want things to go as they are but myself and my gf have been together a long time and for half the time together things in the bedroom have been crap. occasionally things have been ok but i am not getting what i need from her and cant do anything for her. Unfortunatly it all seemed to start when she got toys and she only seems to orgasm from them and not me. i feel totally useless as she says that me touching her or using my tongue does nothing for her and its never been something she has felt comfortable with. i have not touched or been near her vagina aside from sex for 6 years. i really have tried to say thats what i need but it really hurts me that she says nothing i do can pleasure her. we had a massive argument this morning and threw all the sex toys in a box never to be used again supposedly. we all do it throw things in a rage!
so i suppose there is nothing i can do i just have to carry on having the oaccasional sex in boring positions and her touching me once in a blue moon but being replused by lube etc.
I cant and wont leave her but it seems that i either accept things as they are or like i have said to her that we just agree to no sex and sleep in seperate rooms at least we know where we stand then.
ok some women can only orgasm from the extra stimulation that a toy gives, it doesnt mean that their partner isnt any good, its just the way it is.
Have you considered wether you could play with the toys with her? you take control and use them on her, in conjunction with your fingers or tongue to see what she responds to. My OH enjoys buying toys to use on me, hes bought more than me over the last 10 years in fact.
Argreed with mrsMuffin, maybe a chat with her of what she likes and dont and maybe yourll get tips or advice on this site to try and push boundaries . Or shell have the answers. hope you find what your both looking for good luck!
i suppose basically what she wants is vanilla sex lots of kissing but no touching of her down below. she will tocuh me but only with boxers on and occasionally will give me a hnd job but say once a year maybe.
I try alll sorts of things like romantic meals but she says she does not like the pressure of it leading to something i say it does not have to but she says i will always want it no mater how i try to say its fine. we are in a new house and i want to try it in different rooms and she says no to anything but on the sofa or in bed. she does not like sex in the morning and generally not during the week and i constantly get knocked back when i make a move on her. she is tired, reading a book, doing craft work, watching important tv or has work or there is not enough time or its too hot indoors or i am too hot to touch. there is always a reason why not. i read all the advice i can and she knows that but i would rather resign myself to livng with just taking it when she feels like it say once a week or every two weeks. we hardly see each other and have the next two weekends away from each other so i want to make the most of weekdays evenings but she wants to watch things she likes on telly and then go to bed read give me a pec on the cheek and sleep. i then get up and go running and come back to make the breakfast.
Anyway my apologies for moaning and i am sure you all wonder why i perist. well things are fine when we ignore the sex problem is that its not an issue for her she can go for months without it and i can barley go a week without it.
I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling so much with this, sounds like you've tried absolutely everything you can think of :(
I'm really struggling to understand her stance on this as a female, because i'd do anything to please my partner, yet it seems she's only interested in her own feelings which is really sad to hear.
Has she had bad experiences in the past that could be causing a mental block that she became reliant on toys because she's in control and they can't hurt her, or make her do things she doesn't want to do?
i doubt she has had bad experiences expect that when the sex stopped we argued so much about it and always seem to be close to spliting up when we have arguments about sex.
even when i try to go through things and say it would be nice if etc she is like oh no i dont like that. so i say so that means we are never going to do it again or you wont try? she says i did not say that but i make no promises. nothing ever chnages no mattter how i try to appproach things be it initiating things or trying to touch her when she has started things off she always pushes me away.
I feel rejected useless unwanted unloved and powerless to change anything. i keep saying to her well lets forget about sex then and she is like no i still want it and she said last night she regrets or wishes she could do the things i want but she cant.
its the phrase that hurts me most when she says she gets no pleasure what so ever from being tocuhed or licked anywhere and says i am a rubbish kisser.
it would be so much easier for me to wank myself and just get on with keeping other things sweet.i am fed up but there is no way to change anything. i thought about leaving her this morning but i cant.
Stressedmale82
I know just how you feel, no matter what you do how hard you try nothing but nothing is right!
Any and every form of intimacy has to be on her terms and all you’re wishes are not even allowed to be discussed!
This was my first marriage, but at the time I thought this was normal , I believed this was how it was or everyone , eventually she left me !, it was her choice ,and Im so glad she did now my life has changed beyond all recognition
I have a fantastic wife, so no matter how dark it gets there is always light just around the corner
I wish there was a magic wand you could wave so she would understand the you love her but need to feel she is in love with you as well, sometimes the only way you can feel like that is when she wants you in the physical way !
Sadly the only real advised I can give is talk talk and more talk and sometimes even that just isn’t going to be enough,
it sounds as though she has put up mental barriers and no matter how hard you try your not going to be able to knock those down alone , have you considered some professional help ?counseling might she be open to that ?
i mentioned counseeling years ago and she said no way. maybe she would now. the trouble is that i laid bare in a long letter and said i was sorry and that a lot of the problems have been my doing but when i ask her to admit to things she has done she just says no well she is snappy because i am moody etc etc. it always ends up coming back to me and i am the villan. Sure i have issues but she is not perfect even if she thinks she is gods gift and has a fantastic career which is great but ever since she changed to move up the ladder anything other than vanilla sex went off the menue.
Anyway i am just bord and it feels like she is board of me too. i try to organise new things to do take an interest in her ask questions about her day and things like that but she just wants to eat her diner and watch tv shows that she likes and i dont. so i go off to the gym or go and play badminton with a social group or go walking with a rambling group. i am doing all i can to spend time away from her in the hope that she can have her tv time then we can have one or two nights a week for us but for her that includeds a film and i just want us and some candles now and then. but she is turned off by that in fact she seems to be turned off by anything slightly kinky or naughty that you can read suggested anywhere! although she does love her vibrator shame its gone in the bin this morning in the argument!! well not a shame from my perspective!!
God the more I read the more I can relate to you! Sadly there is nothing more I can add or help with!
MAYBE if she likes her vibrations that much have you thought about a vibrating cock ring?
They have changed alot of the last few years and are getting better and better!
it might not give you what you want from her but might help open the door a little as you could then be part of her fun and games
well strangely enough we have had a nice chat on the phone on her lunch hour and said we will try to get things off to a better start on monday when i come home and when she gets in from work i have told her in no uncertian terms that we will be getting right into it!! and she seemed ok with it!!
right gotta go will be interesting see what happens on monday.!
finger crossed or you matey hope it is the start of a change for the better !
Well so much for a new start. i am told its my fault for not communicating and that she never agreed to anything i said on the phone on friday.
she also says trying to get back on track with sex by getting kinky will not work. i suppose i seem to think of it like ridng a bike that you can just get back on and it will be ok but she used another way to describe it last night
she pretty much said anything kinky i have in mind i will have to wait in faint hope for sometime in the future and some things never like threesomes etc etc. i just went off on one saying all the dirty things i wanted and she was like well no its vanilla sex and no touching her and no oral. oh well hey ho.
Hi, sorry your having troubles.
Has it always been like this or has it slowly just gotten worse and gotten to this point?
If she already has the toys does she use them infront of you before or during sex, you could maybe incorporate that into lovemaking? She might just not be comfortable trying new things she thinks as kinky but if shes got the tools then you may aswell use them.
She could possibly just have a low sex drive and merely feel pressurd to do it more or is just stuck in the same routine.
Is she interested in flirty txts/calls? you could tell her what your planning (maybe just vanilla sex for her but word it in detail so shes thinking about it until hometime) or give her a massage, tickle her back (something so simple really does have an effect sometimes)
Really sounds like you love her and your trying to put alot of effort into this relationship and sex is a big part of that to feel connected, well loved and altogether happybunnies. Dont give up it'll (hopefully) work its self out, just try getting her to open up and talk about it, use the toys together and try not to argue about it.
Im gutted for you stressed!
it did sound like you were both starting to turn a corner !
as my dad used to say " slowly slowly catch e monkey"
small steps eventually make a long jouney
maybe it was wishful thinking that you were going to get home and everything changes ,
just remember little steps one at a time
right she has lots of toys the majority of which i have bought. she likes them and can only orgasm using them. she will not let me use them on her i can watch only.
so you see how i feel disconected from her and useless. she is then like we can have sex now its a quick kiss and she is like right ok you have had what you want now. happy now? yes dear!
ok so it would be unfair to say its like that all the time and there are time when she isa alll over me and we kiss a lot etc but there is no touching of areas below just get on with the sex and thats it then. there is no slowly taking clothers off she says well get them off if you want it. i just get board by that and it makes it so mechanical and unromantic.
she will not engage in flirty texts or calls and says she was just going along with what i said on the phone on friday to pluckate me - just saying yes dear lots! she does not like being tickled and only shoulder massage which she says i am not very good at though she was a bit more relax when i got it a bit right the other day.
i work away for long periods so she says its not easy to just switch back on and we have this every time i come home and every time we argue.
it really upsets me and this time it is so much worse just the day to day things like maybe one passionate kiss in the last week since i have been home. kisses yes and hugs but short. last night was ok on the sofa watched a film togther and hugged a bit then. i just feel so pushed away by her. sorry i must seem so needy but i just want to be loved and give love to her. i will never leave her but i just want to be close and her not to snap at me.
My heart goes out to you it really does, I have no sex life unless it's solo, but I do feel loved lots of cuddles ect thing is though can you see yourself in five years time? With this situation I bet you can't, this is harsh I know but your happiness is at stake here, is she worth giving up a sex life for you are unhappy hugs.
she is more interested in books and telly or her phone than me. ok so maybe i want it more than she does but for me i just may as well give up. everytime we try to have a talk about it and it either turns into an argument or i am told i spoil the mood. i try to talk nicely to her but then she goes off on one accusing me of being too demanding then not saying what i want soemtimes. so when i do say what i want she does not want it. i cant win and i am fed up of playing her games. it is far easier just to get on with things while i am home then go off to work again for 4 months. hell i can just give do things myself while she is out then my load is gone. its so frustrating.
May be that she feels only she can do it cos she knows exactly where she needs a toy to orgasm. Im baffled by her not even letting you attempt it or voice how she needs it so that your not just watching.
I can totally relate to the part about when you come home again she has to switch back on. My husbands in the army so he's away all the time and i get so used to doing it myself that it takes a little while to actually let him get involved.
We were in this exact situation but reversed a little while ago. It got so bad that we nearly divorced, we love each other but had little to no contact and i really need that. I was not a happy bunny at all and was just non stop arguements about sex, which obviously made it worse. He said he doesnt always want sex, sometimes hes tired or had a crappy day.
Sometimes it just takes time, i cant say how your going to resolve this because i obviously dont know either of you and its a genuinely shit situation to be in but if the loves there then you can work on it, just need to talk to her (maybe not on the phone this time lol) open up and tell her in a non accusing way that you dont feel needed or wanted. that you need to touch her and ask what she needs, if its just plain old sex then thats fine theres so many things leading up to that.
have you tried getting her to use toys or anything on you? Im out of ideas, its hard if she doesnt like the txting or calls or playing. Im sorry your in this situation and hope it gets better eventually
Oh dear! I really feel for you, i don't understand why she has this stance, personally I love pleasing my man and I know making me cum is really important to him, I'd never cum before him and it took a long time yo get me there but I knew it was important for him, I still can't cum for penetration but we're working on it and including toys, I know this isn't the same thing but I'm trying to explain that when you know something is important to someone you should at least be open to it, I think rather than arguing you need to sit down and talk calmly about what you need and why she doesn't feel like she can give you it. Don't take this offencively but she seems incredibly selfish and heartless. Also, love making isn't about orgasm, she needs to understand that, even if it doesn't bring her to orgasm allowing you to be intimate with her is important for the strength of your relationship. Many women do have problems by using toys too regular, orgasms become quicker and easier with toys and sex doesn't quite do it anymore. I think she really does need to stop using the toys, if she goes without orgasm for a while, you might do more for her or she might be so desperate she's at least willing to try. Don't just give in and accept your fate, you need to be happy and satisfied in your relationship.
This is heartbreaking to read and I'm so sorry that you're having such problems.
It seems like you've done absolutely everything you possibly can to try make things right. I'd also recommend counselling, but she's refused.
I hate to say, but maybe it's best to just let her go. This relationship seems poisonous to you both, especially you. It appears like she has no interest in you, she's possibly just staying with you for the safety of having someone there.