Hoping to picks your brains on a little personal issue. Seem no harm to writing about it here.
My gf and I are both 30. We've been together 6 years. I'm not satisfied sexually. That's not quite true, but I'm not sure how to say it. Her body turns me on so much. It is perfect for me. I always enjoy sex and we both always cum. We don't have it as much as I would like, but, it's more what we do (or what we don't do!) that frustrates me.
We've never had anal sex, she's never swallowed, no watersports. And we've been together 6 years. I've had a few shorter relationships (6 months - 2 years) and they have all been more adventurous sexually than this relationship.
I have spoken to her about what I want. She deffo knows what I want.
Anyway, this is the second time I have wrote this (I lost it the first time when I accidently pressed 'back' on my browser) and I think I wrote more details last time. Can't remember now!
well. the thing is some people are not as adventurous as others are in life and yes, in sex! Everyone is different. All you can do is try to talk to her and ask her why she does not like the idea. Scared it will hurt with anal? Or bad experience in previous relationship? This information can help you find out why and maybe try to start making suggestions, e.g. only finger first. But it could be she just does not like the idea at all, in which case you in the end will have to respect this wish.
Generally the time over which you are partners does not matter always. But what your partner does, is what matters. I do like experiments, but I have my limits and things which turn me off while I respect others may enjoy it. On the other hand my partner will have to respect I dont like it and I have to respect his limits.
You cannot push her to do something she is not happy with and the more that you bring it up the more annoyed she will get. I made very clear back at the start (14 years ago) what I was not willing to do and he respected my choice and didn't bring it up again which has worked to his advantage as I have recently changed my mind and we are now experimenting more. Personally I would say back off or she may tell you to push off, I would hate to feel I was not good enough for my partner and if it came to it I would rather not be with him.
edit
Sorry I re-read what I wrote and I am really sorry if I come across harsh but what you want doesnt really matter here its what she feels comfortable doing without feeling pressurised, ask her why she wont and try to find a middle ground you are both happy with xxx
Have you asked what she wants? There could be some other things she wants to try, a particular fantasy or anything at all. Perhaps encouraging her to open up about what turns her on is a good way to have conversations about what turns each of you on. This way she won't feel like you're just telling her you're unsatisfied and how you want to change that, it's an equal sided discussion and you can make it very flirty and light-hearted.
Watersports inparticular is quite a specialist one, and while many enjoy it, lots of others won't want to entertain the idea at all. As others have said, if it's something she just isn't into you can't pressure her with that. I think really you do need to ask her what her reasons are for not wanting to, and perhaps together you can work that out.
Is she not very adventurous in general? Does she own any toys etc? Perhaps you could treat her to something from LH that she can explore with. x
Many times. I encourage her to share her fantasties and obviously I'll really enjoy. But she says she has no ideas.
Watersports inparticular is quite a specialist one,
Yeh, haven't really mentioned watersports at all (apart from last two weeks, when I've just been like, "we don't do...[LONG LIST HERE]"). I know it is a bad attitude, but sometimes my brain is like, 'no anal in 6 years, geez, give a dude some back.
Is she not very adventurous in general?
no, she's not.
Does she own any toys etc?
Yeh, we've bought quite a few toys. She's likes one. The basic vibrator.
Perhaps you could treat her to something from LH that she can explore with. x
Yeh, have done and also encouraged her to make a list of stuff she wants. She hasn't been interested.
Many thanks to all for replies. Has deffo helped me think about it from her side. I hope I didn't come over as a male pig in my message. I do try to be a good bf, and I think I am (with the exception of the last fortnight when I really have been moaning about sex (generally, i do make sure she knows my fantasties but don't pressure her)).
But when you just give her a long list of things you don't do, perhaps you're hurting her self esteem a little and making her feel pressured. I know that's how i'd feel if my OH reeled off a list of things i'm not doing.
With anal, have you sat down with her and asked her why it's not something you do together? It could be anything from a cleanliness worry, to a pain fear or she just might be completely uninterested in it - i'm sure there are things that don't float your boat either.
Just a thought, i don't know if it's a silly idea or not - how does she feel about sexy books? Just wondering if you could get her one of the more raunchy books from here, pairing it with a little bullet or even a bar of choc just to make it feel like a little gift, perhaps some naughty bed-time reading might broaden her mind a little.
Well, to be frank, the list you mentioned that your partner has no intention of doing is very similar to mine. Those things just don't appeal to me whatsoever. However, I don't consider myself to be unadventerous. There are ways to make it fun and keep exploring without crossing onto things I or we are not comfortable with.
Fantasies can be a good thing. It's nice to talk them through but it doesn't mean it has to happen for things to be fun. I'd suggest some light bondage kits as well because it's not as threatening and can be used at a slower pace. Like using a blindfold to begin with. http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=19289
Thankfully, both my partner and I are on the same page. We are very experimental but we have our limits. The best way is to communicate and compromise so neither feels pressured or unsatisfied.
No anal in 6 years isn't unusual - I've been with my OH for 6 years and my body just isn't physically ready for anal yet. I've no doubt it'll take another few years before we get there.
I'd say perhaps you need to re-evaluate your idea of experimental - anal and squirting are quite, let's say acquired, tastes. As is swallowing - something you need to learn to love. Focus on all the positive things in your sex life and tell your OH how much you like when she does certain things. Make sure she understands your appreciation first and formost because it'll make her feel valued and if she knows you appreciate when she makes an effort in your sex life then she's going to be more likely to put effort in for you (though effort is totally two sided and you have to keep up your end too!).
Next I'd say build things up very gradually - introduce things bit by bit. If she loves you licking her, move down to her perineum and let your tongue gently tease very close to her anus. Listen very carefully to her response and focus on her enjoyment - if she tenses up, move away for that session and explore again the next time (by moving away it reinforces that you will never push her further than she feels ready for).
Focus on her pleasure - try and coax her out of her shell and let her explore what she might like to try....I think if you do that, if you can help her learn what she loves, she may feel more receptive to trying what you love. It may be a very slow process but it has to be taken at her pace if you think it's possible she'll get there.
If things are never going to change for her - you have to respect her boundaries and decide how crucial these things are for you to make a happy relationship. You can't force her to change so you have to decide if you're happy to make a go of things without those things or whether you need to move on.
I'd have to agree with the other replies. Just because she doesn't like anal, swallowing or watersports doesn't mean she's not adventurous! Maybe there are other things she'd like to try but is too shy to ask?
Also, instead of moaning about what you're not getting (your words, not being mean!) have you tried asking for what you want? And not just in the heat of the moment. It's very important to discuss sexual things outside of a sexual context, otherwise it feels like pressure. Ask her if she'd be open to trying some new things in bed. If she says no, don't end the conversation -- ask her why! If she doesn't give reasons except to say she's not interested, tell her that it would mean a lot to you if she would consider trying some new things -- don't specify what they are, let her think about what she might like too -- as you want more from your sex life.
Her reactions will tell you a lot. If she gets angry, or is offended or disgusted by what you're suggesting, she may not be the right partner for you, at least sexually. If she's just hesitant, there's definitely hope! Just be patient and give her lots of encouragement. And STOP moaning!! There's no way that moaning is going to get her interested in trying new things! You need to make her feel like the sexiest thing on two legs, as if you can't resist exploring her in every way imaginable... not feel guilty for not pleasing you enough!
I would tend to agree with the other replies and thats all I'd like to add is that if you have any doubts over whether your relationship will last because of this issue, then please think carefuuly.
Sorry to hear your grief but this is a common problem mate. I have read every book under the sun i know it happens. Lets be blunt. I am mad about my other half i would do anything to her but lets put it this way. If it was reverseved women would be calling me a selfash ass for not satasfying her.
You need to decide if you can put up with this. If you can you move on if you cant.....
it seems youknow what she doesn't want by it not happening but maybe you could concentrate on things she does want and enjoy that then see where it takes you both.
If you have been with her for that long and your feelings are true towards her, sometimes you've just gota roll with it! Its not easy (I know from personal experience) but sex is'nt 24hrs a day, and at the end of it you need someone you can rely on, in and out of the bedroom.
To be honest i have been with my partner nearly 8 yrs and we havent had much sexual variety either. I have swallowed which i have stopped cos kept getting really bad sore throats. Never had anal cos i never get relaxed but i like a little bit of finger up my bum. and never done watersports.
How about maybe have text sex or something to perhaps make her fantasize? perhaps she afraid you try but it will go pear shaped and then cos of that she thinks you'll get disappointed and think she will lose you?
God when i get a new fella i will feel that things might go pear shaped with things i havent tried before.
I'd say one thing, coming at her with a list of 'what we don't do' probably wasn't the best thing. If you're coming down on her, effectively criticising what's lacking in your relationship, she's going to feel like you think she's a failure, or a trial of a woman for not being as adventurous as your exes. You want to make her want to do things with you, not feel like you're disappointed in her. Remember, your exes are exes for a reason, and the last thing you want to do is make her think that she's not even as good as folk you're not even with any more.
She's only going to experiment if she wants to experiment. If she's not naturally inclined, then you might be able to win her over, but you should be focusing on how to make her WANT to, not on how to CONVINCE her: it should be fun for her, not a favour to get you off her back. Instead of berating her for not being what you want her to be, or sighing and being clearly fed up with how long it's taking, be positive with it. As Ad says, look at what's good in your sex life, and build on that. If she doesn't swallow, maybe she'd taste a drop off your fingers. If she isn't sure about anal, then maybe teasing around her anus when you're going down on her might open her to the idea of light bum-play. And not as a way to get her to do what you want, just as an act in itself, no pressure or implications. You say you don't mean to be overbearing about your 'needs', and since you recognise that you're doing it a bit wrong you're clearly not that kind of guy, but regardless, you will need to undo the damage you've done. She will not like any small attempts because in her head she will have decided that you're only doing it to get her to do whatever, and won't relax, and then won't really enjoy it. Take it slow, and let her relax into the idea that you're not just going through the motions to 'fix' her, and then she can see what she's willing to try bit by bit.
That said, there's always a very real possibility that she just plain doesn't want to do any of those things, and never will. How do you feel about that? Is it a deal-breaker, and if not, will you be able to 'suffer' in enough silence that she doesn't feel harassed or undermined by your need versus her perceived lacking? Definitely would be worth thinking about what you can happily say goodbye forever to, and what you can't, and if there's any compromises you'd be satisfied with.
Sorry to hear your grief but this is a common problem mate. I have read every book under the sun i know it happens. Lets be blunt. I am mad about my other half i would do anything to her but lets put it this way. If it was reverseved women would be calling me a selfash ass for not satasfying her.
You need to decide if you can put up with this. If you can you move on if you cant.....
Hate to say it, but... I like anal, my partner does not. I would never put him under pressure to get it and you can ask people here if I ever came here, calling him a selfish ass. I do use toys, he knows it and he is fine with that, but I would never ever pressure him into anything he does not want to do! And I doubt most people here would say anything like that
She's only going to experiment if she wants to experiment. If she's not naturally inclined, then you might be able to win her over, but you should be focusing on how to make her WANT to, not on how to CONVINCE her: it should be fun for her, not a favour to get you off her back.
