ive started a couple of threads before about my husbands issues with sex and thought we'd had a major break through.
Then earlier today he started sending me dirty messages. We had a convo, a few pics exchanged and he said he'd be hard and ready when I got back from working the late shift. He got so horny at work he nipped back for a quickie. Bent me over in the hallway and got his fill in about 3 minutes. It was exciting for me but not pleasurable and I certainly didn't have an orgasm. There was no foreplay at all. He then washed up and said he would still be ready for me when I got back.
Well when I got back he was wide awake watching TV in the lounge. After an hour of TV he turned away from every kiss I gave and tutted off a dirty pun I made. In bed I tried rubbing a bit, kissing his body, wiggling my bum into his crotch but he was soon fast asleep with his hot water bottle!
I was excited all day about spending a fun and intimate night with him but he just wasn't interested. I feel like he's treated me like a dirty whore and he's been really selfish. I mean, I don't have a problem with exciting naughty quickies every now and then but if you say your gonna treat your wife to a good session where you can attend to her needs too then you should do it! I feel like he lied to me just to get the quickie. I feel really hurt and betrayed AGAIN!! 😔
You need to talk to him about it, I really think if you both start opening up with each other things will get easier in your relationship. He sounds like a closed book, and the fact you're coming on here for advise rather than talking to him, makes you sound pretty closed too.
I think that's a bit mean. The whole point of forums is to get advice from 3rd parties who don't have any need to take sides. I keep talking to him about everything and I just don't get any responses. Just because I'm in here doesn't mean I haven't spoken to him. Sometimes it's nice to get an outside opinion. I try really hard to be open with him but every time I think I'm getting through to him, he does something else that hurts me.
Instead of talking to him face to face, write him a letter.
With talking he has the abilit to ignore and change the subject.
When reading a letter he cant ignore it - and if he does you will know where his feelings lie.
It will need to be carefully constructed with a lot of thought to actually get your point across about how you have felt, how you feel now and what you would like to change to be happy.
It must also give him the opportunity to respond to you which ever way he chooses in order to get his feelings out too.
I'm not taking sides at all, I'm just saying that you're both not communicating with each other, and communication is key in the relationship. I don't have any advice to give you, and others probably won't too, because like a lot of people said in your previous post, communication is key to a healthy relationship.
I think people are being a bit harsh about saying "we have no idea" I have no idea why he did it, maybe he was too eager and wanted a quickie then lost interest cause he wasn't horny anymore. I asked the OH for a mans point of view and even he didn't know. I have no suggestions, besides trying to talk but you've already said that doesn't work so it's up to you what you do next, sorry I couldn't be more help
Y&F - How can you say people are being harsh by saying they 'have no idea' when no one has actually posted saying that - then you've wrote you have no idea and your boyfriend has no idea...I'm confused!
I meant people are just dismissing it saying she shouldn't be asking us she shouldbe asking him. Rather than explains that we actually don't know how to help in this situation
The way I see it you started making each other horny a session at home seemed like a good idea at the time but things boiled over he couldn't wait needed a release got his rocks off then lost all interest. That doesn't surprise me
I agree about the loss of interest after the quickie and he probably jumped the gun a bit by promising more later , something that he wasn't able to fulfill once later came. But I think ignoring your advances and going to sleep was pretty selfish, he could have just said something like " Sorry I'm knackered, don't think I can manage it again tonight. Let's have a good night tomorrow instead " Yes, you would still have been frustrated after all the promises of a fantastic time but at least you might not have felt so used and rejected.
I doubt that he meant for you to feel like you were being treated like a dirty whore with the quickie, he was obviously so turned on at that point that all he could think of was his own release ( a bit selfish I know, but it happens )
JustJenson suggested writing a letter, I reckon that could be a good idea because he can come back to it and read it over again unlike a conversation that can be changed. Maybe he finds it hard to talk about things face to face, communicating by letters or emails might be the way to go if it gets you both understanding where the other is coming from.
I think the letter is a fantastic idea. The only suggestion I would have (and it may sound contradictory) is to concentrate on how you felt after, but at the same time not get too emotional.... as I suspect for him reading it, it would be quite easy to initially get defensive... but by keeping low key and about you, you won't overload him with emotional pressure or make it sound accusatory which would just result in the barriers coming down... good luck though.
As a chastity/tease and denial enthusiast...I sooooo want to suggest denying him right now, but this kind of play should be done with both parties in agreement and on board....and happy.
It seems to me that what happened here is that, while aroused, he was in the zone, happy to communicate thoughts and ideas of the things he would like to do to you later (and you him) and then he came home at lunch and rid himself of all those hormones and build up and as the rest of the day passed, the keen interest passed too. He got in from work, tired and no longer horny and yeah....
Your breakthrough did happen. I mean, you got the guy so aroused that he rushed home in his lunch break to take care of his urges. It is a great start, no? If you want my suggestion....just don't let him cum next time. That was the thing that changed everything. Use the afternoon delight as another incredible tease for what is to come later...and keep him denied until he has given you yours. I don't mean in a cruel, controlling for all the wrong reasons way, I mean in a playful, lets make this fun for the both of us way. Make the build up fun...but if he is the type of guy likely to lose all interest after orgasm, then ensure he isnt spent before you get yours.
Mrs a I'm not saying you're taking sides, I'm saying that people ask advice from strangers because they give an unbiased opinion.
Thank you everyone for the advice. I wrote him a letter about a month ago and I'm still awaiting a response! He really struggles to understand other people's feelings. He's strange in a way that he's caring of others but also very selfish at times. It's difficult sometimes. I spoke with him this morning and let him know that I thought it was unfair that he led me on like that only to get his fill then forget about me. He said he was tired and there was too much expectation on him to perform. (Another one of his reasons that don't make sense as it was his idea!) he said he didn't like it when it was planned but we have 2 small children so very often have to plan it and it's never been a problem before. I told him that he should have just said something and of course he was oblivious to the fact that using words could have helped combat any confusion. I completely agree with you Wildflower; he should have said something instead of just ignoring me.
I won't be letting that happen again. If he looks for a quickie in the day time after a promise of a good night I'll be sending him into a cold shower!
I think he's right, I think he has been under pressure to perform, when he's been horny and wanted sex, you both had sex. But as the day has gone on he's no longer horny and he's constantly got this pressure on him that he needs to come home and please you. If you were left unsatisfied by the sex that you had, you should have said something at the time and maybe played together so he could finish you off. Men aren't mind readers, they need to be told exactly what women want.
I think he's right, I think he has been under pressure to perform, when he's been horny and wanted sex, you both had sex. But as the day has gone on he's no longer horny and he's constantly got this pressure on him that he needs to come home and please you. If you were left unsatisfied by the sex that you had, you should have said something at the time and maybe played together so he could finish you off. Men aren't mind readers, they need to be told exactly what women want.
I did tell him at the time that I wasn't fully satisfied and I still wanted to do more and he said he had to get back to work and would still be ready later.
I never pressure him. It was his idea in the first place and I was only disappointed that he ignored me after such a build up. All talk and no action is not very impressive! If he's ever not in the mood I leave him be. I don't expect him to pleasure me when he's not in the mood. However, when he's in the mood and I'm not, or when it's that time of the month, I am more than willing to oblige with hand jobs and blow jobs.
How can you plan and promise something then feel pressured to do it?!!
Men are funny creatures aren't they hun, sometimes they're spot on but most of the time they're all 'wham bam thank-you mam' which my mans like (he's only 24 ffs).
Personally I would suggest you sit and speak to him face to face, turn the tv off and just actually talk about how frustrating it is to you. Tell him, how would he feel if you said you are going to sleep with him ect that night & then just turned around and went to sleep.
Talking it out might be the best bet, I would also suggest buying one of love honeys sex games (we have monogamy). Loads of people dismiss them, but those games are so much fun and get the smiles going :)
Maybe don't let him cum if he doesn't have time to Finnish you off. It can be hard to stop when you want to cum. OH has cum during foreplay before which sucks for me cause I don't get anything, he could always just give me oral but I don't enjoy that without sex, but I know I'll get sex tomorrow, if you're not gonna get sex for a while then you should cum together.
next time let him come home for a quickie but don't let him cum till after work
Sorry, but men getting off and not pleasing their woman is just rude as far as I'm concerned. You need to discuss this, seriously, talk about it! If he refuses to listen then you're going to have to come up with something to make him listen to you or you're just going to end up resenting him. Do what you can to talk to him.